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Original poster

School mum has asked me to lend her money for school fees

390 replies

LucillesLooseWheel · 01/09/2022 11:35

DS is in a prep school (just starting Year 6) and about a year ago, a new boy started.

Yesterday, I got an email from his Mum asking if I could lend her nearly £4000 as she can't pay next term's school fees.

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation. However, I hardly know her. We chat at the school gate/matches etc, and we've had a couple of quick coffees at playdates/parties, but that's really all.

She wants to pay me back over the next six months. The problem is, I'm really not convinced she can pay it back - the backstory that has emerged is long-term debt, home repossession, and now a redundancy. Neither parent is in a particularly well-paying type job.

It's not losing the money that's worrying me (although that's not great, obvs) it's the thought of the MASSIVE awkwardness every time in see her for the next three years if she doesn't pay it back.😬

So, my inclination is to say that I can't afford it, but it will be fairly obvious to her that I can (I'm not blingy at all, but we are lucky to have a large house in an expensive area). Also, I feel sorry for the poor boy He's happy in the school and Year 6 is a big deal - they are about to take high-stakes pre-tests for senior schools. If he had to leave, there's a reasonable likelihood that he would end up at the not-so-great comp near where they live. (There are some fab comps in the area, but they would be lucky to hit catchment).

WHAT SHOULD I DO????

OP posts:
BetsyMcBoatFace · 01/09/2022 12:45

No no no! As you don’t know her that well, you definitely won’t be the first person she’s asked, she’s probably working down a list of names.
It is completely inappropriate, she needs to contact the school bursar and go through the correct channels.

Collywibbles · 01/09/2022 12:48

Good grief. No. You don't have to give a reason why not. Suggest she speak to the bursar but if she can't pay this term then what happens next term, next year etc etc.

You sound lovely for not immediately replying "ha ha I assume this is a joke". But she is a chancer. There are lots of things I would love to do that I don't have money for - I don't ask friends to fund them for me. I have to cut my cloth accordingly.

RincewindsHat · 01/09/2022 12:49

Holy wow, no way should you lend the money.

If she has approached you, she has probably also approached goodness knows how many other parents with the exact same message, swearing each of you to secrecy so she's not found out. I'd be doing some messaging around and asking if anyone else had received a message asking for help with school fees (no names mentioned until you can ascertain if she's playing the same game with other people).

HebeSunshine · 01/09/2022 12:49

choosername1234 · 01/09/2022 12:35

I wonder how many other mums she has asked and also "sworn to secrecy"? She could be making a fortune Confused

She's probably already made enough for when he goes up to secondary school, if this is real.

dottiedodah · 01/09/2022 12:49

I would not even consider this TBH! Lots of parents cant afford private education and thats just life.She will have to take him out if she cannot come to an arrangement with the School. Not your problem in the slightest!

MummyJ36 · 01/09/2022 12:49

Kids are very flexible and I’m sure it would not adversely affect her child if he had to move to a state school. Either way this isn’t your problem. I’ve been to both private and state school and I genuinely don’t think the education you receive at private school is superior to state school. Sure if you’ve got the money then send your kids private, no judgement from me at all, but I wouldn’t be worried about her son doing badly as a result of going to state school.

Maybe she considers you better friends than you actually are but £4k is a hell of a lot of money to ask from a friend, even on a loan basis. I would definitely tell her it’s a polite no and as others have suggested to contact the school bursar instead.

ThermoSpooklear · 01/09/2022 12:52

Creativecrafts · 01/09/2022 12:04

Feeling an idiot, to be honest!! Why am I so gullible?

Dunno, but you've got such a kind face, can you lend me £500? Wink

Bluevelvetsofa · 01/09/2022 12:52

If you were being charitable, you would perhaps say that she must be pretty desperate to ask an acquaintance for that sum of money. If you gave it to her, how would she be able to pay you back and get the money for the next two terms and all the ones after that. If it’s a short term cash flow problem, she, as has been suggested, could see the bursar and try to arrange an alternative. If it’s long term, then she needs to be very circumspect and take her son out of an educational establishment she can’t fund.

Do not, under any circumstances, give her money.

TheEggChair · 01/09/2022 12:53

www.isc.co.uk/schools/sub-pages/school-fee-assistance-scholarships-and-bursaries/

send her this instead

MrsWooster · 01/09/2022 12:53

Refer her to bursar. Do NOT lend this money.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 01/09/2022 12:55

I would give a polite and firm no. She cannot afford to send the child to private school now. And certainly not through secondary. What's to say she hasn't asked others in your group?

Brideandpredjudice · 01/09/2022 12:57

The fact that she's asking a relative stranger shows you all you need to know. Nobody close to her will lend her the money- they know her well enough to know she won't pay it back.

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 01/09/2022 13:00

I would only do it if you want to help her son and don't want it paid back.

Don't do it as a loan as it will cause problems when she doesn't pay it back.

Tubs11 · 01/09/2022 13:00

@Draughtycatflapreturns utterly brilliant response to an absolutely ludicrous post!

State school 1 v Private school 0

SeasonFinale · 01/09/2022 13:01

Draughtycatflapreturns · 01/09/2022 11:53

Just thinking out of the box here. Could you and the other mums form one of those groups that writes and sings a charity single about the horror of going to state school and give her the proceeds?

Especially the not so good ones because they don't live in catchment

🙄

CaveMum · 01/09/2022 13:04

Of course she’s sworn you to secrecy - you’re probably not the only person she has asked!

Say no politely, don’t give any reasons and then don’t engage any further. If she follows up with pleading/a sob story then contact the school. They’re going to find out one way or the other that she can’t afford to pay and better now at the start of term than halfway through the year.

CaptaNoctem · 01/09/2022 13:04

Easy one - no.

If she can't pay next term's fees she won't be able to pay the term afterwards either.

She needs to talk to the school

Hintofreality · 01/09/2022 13:04

She’s a massive CF, and how do you know she’s not racking it in by messaging other people the same sob story.
Do nothing, ignore the message and block her number. If she questions you, just tell her you’ve changed your phone number and give her a random made up contact number .

TokyoSushi · 01/09/2022 13:05

katishot · 01/09/2022 12:44

I can afford this, and if she was a close friend I would do so without hesitation
I wouldn't do that either tbh even if I had the money. Just asking for problems.

Anyway, back to this school mum. NO.

  1. She will have asked loads of people
  2. What happens next term when she can't afford that either?
  3. You won't ever see the money again
  4. It's sad that the boy is enjoying the school but more thought should have been put into whether they could afford the fees when he started a year ago. The financial difficulties a year ago were most likely foreseeable.
  5. Having to leave at the beginning of Year 6 or even at the end of Year 6 isn't great but it isn't crucial - ie. a term before GCSEs or A-levels for example.
  6. He will have to go to a state school like everyone else who can't afford the fees (or doesn't wish to send their child to an independent school).

You need to toughen up or you will get fleeced by everyone who sees you as a soft touch. Absolutely none of this is your problem. They should have thought about the long-term viability of the plan before putting the child in the school in the first place. He is their responsibility and theirs alone.

All of this, absolutely do not lend the money OP!

SallyB392 · 01/09/2022 13:05

If you want to help this mum GIVE her the money but never lend! My immediate thoughts were that if she can't manage this next month's fees, why does she plan for next term?

As others have suggested, signpost to the bursar or accounts office. They may help. And if it's your strength, suggest that you can help her to plan her expenditure.

You could also offer second hand uniform if available and needed.

StartingAgain6369 · 01/09/2022 13:06

I would point her in the direction of the school, parents struggling to pay will not be new to them

School fee lenders are available school-fee-plan

Roselilly36 · 01/09/2022 13:06

This mum is very cheeky to ask an acquaintance for a loan. Just say no. She needs to be asking a family member or school, not a person she barely know.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 01/09/2022 13:06

I'm glad to see you've decided not to lend her the money! But don't say "I can't" because people like this will always have a come-back and try to 'fix' the reason why you "can't" Confused It's far better to say a firm NO. I'd say something like "I don't lend money to anyone, friend or relative, it's a rule that DH & I have always stuck to" That way there's no lee-way for her to try and wriggle...

crowdedout · 01/09/2022 13:08

Ive got a big house in an expensive area and couldnt afford to pay someone elses school fees because ive got a big house in an expensive area and have to pay my own kids school fees. Just say you can't, sorry.

Seaweed42 · 01/09/2022 13:09

It's bullying, plain and simple. Jeez the cheek of some people.
You don't need to explain. In fact the less the said, the less there is to interpret for the other person. As other poster said, a simple 'No' followed by a suggestion to get instalement plan with the school. Then if there's any 'oh but I can't you are my only hope' then follow that with. No, I can't help you with this.
AND don't say Sorry either or apologise for not helping because you haven't done anything wrong.