Private school: the good, the bad and the ugly!!!

[Goldenspice]

I think I have convinced DH to do private school but we are newbies to being private school parents. I have spent lots of time online looking at options and visited a few and narrowed it down to one I like and local parents seem really, really effusive. But they are all so positive and realistically their have to be some issues right? It makes me a bit spooked that it is so positive because life isn’t perfect is it? The marketing stuff looks impressive but I hope I am savvy enough to know that is what it is - marketing!
So let’s say I have the ‘good’ bit nailed down - small classes, accountability due to fee’s, decent sports provision and nice extra curricular and nice long day.
So what can be the bad and the ugly be? What do I need to watch out for?!

The lovely looking school uniforms are totally impractical at primary age. No 4 year old wants to be wearing a shirt, a tie, a blazer and a fancy hat.

I would hope that things have changed, but I really struggled at private school because my parents didn't understand the unwritten "rules" about the way things were done. Things like bringing a tin of beans as a harvest festival donation was not what was required; you needed to decorate a whole box of food. My parents sent me for the education so they thought this stuff wasn't worth bothering about, but no child wants to stick out and this stuff is important!

I knew someone who thought they needed to ‘up their game’ style wise as they moved their child to private school. Spent a small fortune on a new wardrobe. Made me

Parents will tend to say whatever validates their choice. Unless very unhappy you are unlikely to hear much criticism.

[quote Goldenspice]@LyndzB
Thanks love for that, makes me feel much better. Does it matter what you drink at parties and stuff? Is there a social code for that?[/quote]
Ok, you’re really taking the piss now. Seriously.

My tip would be to sit in the cafe opposite the school after drop off, and watch the mums. Some groups can be scary. I remember being surrounded by one group from St Pauls Junior who seemed to be taking stealth boasting to an extreme. But equally there will be plenty of drop and run working mums.

DD had brilliant SEN support in private sector through her secondary schooling. Indeed her academic sixth form took her on knowing she would be the most dyslexic pupil in the school, and gave her all the support she needed and more.

Our experience was the kids tend to find friends from similar backgrounds. DS discovered after he had left that tutoring had been rife, but not within his group of friends, so not an issue for him. The teaching was first rate and they were well prepared for learning at University.

Good: Love our school, it’s totally exceeded our expectations and our kids are very happy there.
Ugly: some of the parents are a totally nightmare, to say that these people have no idea of their own privilege would be a gross understatement. And we deliberately chose a school that is very down-to-earth so that we wouldn’t feel out of place.

@samsalmon
Happy kids is ace!

@Goldenspice I would also say that the nightmare parents are very much a minority, they’re just the loudest, eg on What’s App groups. But that could be the same anywhere, I guess. Lots of very rich people in our school and lots from very ordinary backgrounds, all kinds really and it doesn’t seem to bother the kids or dictate their friendships. We did avoid a school that was nearer where that was more of a risk.

@SouthernFashionista
I am not taking the piss! I went to dinner with colleagues once and they laughed when I cut the cheese wrong. Something about its nose. I didn’t grow up in a house where cheese had a nose. Why wouldn’t I be anxious about getting things wrong and asking for a baileys and everyone taking the piss out of me.

Downside is usually the lack of cultural diversity.

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies

You might as well ask, state school: the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s school dependent.

I’m going to ignore the ludicrous comments about uniform, but I will point out that if your dc is pre-school age you cannot possibly know that they don’t have SEN.

Yes that was exactly what I was thinking. At first I assumed the OP's DC were secondary age. Tho tbh even then...two of my DC have SEN and neither was diagnosed until their teens.

OP you cannot know that your pre-school DC have no SEN - many disabilities or neuro diverse conditions do not become apparent until age 4-5-6 and beyond.

I actually am a bit about this thread as I cannot imagine someone spending up to £100k per child on private primary for cute uniforms.

Everyone has their own insecurities no matter how well off or well educated. Just try to remove yours from a decision as important as what school you’re going to choose for your child. Do you think they’ll achieve their full potential there, do you think they’ll be happy are the 2 most important things to consider IMO. And not trying to derail thread but your colleagues sound absolutely horrid. I will admit that I know about the nose of a cheese although it definitely didn’t come up at school, maybe I missed it because I left for the state 6th college, but WTF is wrong with a Baileys, it’s bloody delicious?!

Downside is usually the lack of cultural diversity.

You have clearly not stood outside many private school gates! Many ethnic minority parents care deeply about education and will make every effort to ensure their children have the best opportunities available. Rishi Sunak, is a good example.

TheSunIsStillShining I would agree with you but interestingly my older DS private school is more diverse than the local state secondary. That is filled with predominately white wealthy individuals who bought in the area to access local schools. (this is london too) The parents are lawyers, journalists etc.... They pride themselves in supporting the state system as they bought their 1 million plus house in the local area.

Whereas my DS school offers generous bursaries and my eldest best friend is from what folkswould deem a deprived area of london, the diverse mix is as it should be in london but certainly not reflected in the local state school.

I find it fascinating that on these type of threads one of the main focus is the parents.
Our son is in private (from secondary) and I hardly know anyone. I'm a working mum, don't have time to socialize. Even if I had time, wouldn't want to. Plus we chose the school because of the academic outstanding name, not because I want to make friends.
Uniform is a pain in the ass, not cute imo.
What we thought to be important is to make sure that the school had something in place to make sure that the diff socio-economical backgrounds don't clash*. And they have: rolexes are banned , ... kids have no idea who is on bursary who is not. They are actively discouraged to boast, and are treated all the same. I think even the teachers have no idea of the bursary status.

*I think this is more an issue with London and top10 priv schools rather than with private schools in general?

I actually am a bit hmm about this thread as I cannot imagine someone spending up to £100k per child on private primary for cute uniforms.

I agree. Also the vocabulary is changing throughout the OP posts. I’m very wary of the OP motives for starting this thread. Seems to me like a way of mocking people who privately educate their children.

[quote Goldenspice]@DobbyTheHouseElk
No one knows me on here so I can be honest, it is mostly the uniforms and so my kids turn out posher than me and because I work I need the childcare. I went to a state school and got good results so they would be fine if we couldn’t afford it but we can do we might as well.[/quote]
A decision based on cute uniforms?
Worrying about what drink to have in public?

@LakeShoreD
Christmas crackers was another one. We spent Christmas with the colleague and his family before we had children and we always pull crackers and wear our hat for the whole meal. They looked like they might choke when I held out my cracker!!! Apparently you wait until before dessert (or pudding as they call it.)
I suppose I just want to know my kids will understand these things if they end up in a job like mine with colleagues that just know this stuff. That’s ok isn’t it? I know they can get good exam results in any school if they work hard but navigating colleagues in my kind of job is a minefield. But of course I want them to be happy, they are my children. But can’t they be happy and socially confident?
We still pull crackers before the meal BTW before I get flamed for social climbing again!

My parents moved me from state to private at 10. I loved my small village primary but was horribly bullied at private school. They moved me to another much posher and considerably more expensive private school and I was still bullied.

DD and DS love their local primary, have local friends, and will be going with them all to the local comprehensive. They do lots of extra curricular activities, and we very luckily have no money worries (the pressure of paying for school fees would create stress).

..... Besides the bullying I did receive a good education.

I would never ever say that a private education has opened doors for me with my career. I keep my schools off CV now. There was no private school network getting me marvellous jobs that I read about.

I think someone is having a bit of fun at our expense.

@TheSunIsStillShining

Downside is usually the lack of cultural diversity.

Not from what have observed

@DobbyTheHouseElk

I actually am a bit hmm about this thread as I cannot imagine someone spending up to £100k per child on private primary for cute uniforms.

I agree. Also the vocabulary is changing throughout the OP posts. I’m very wary of the OP motives for starting this thread. Seems to me like a way of mocking people who privately educate their children.

Yes I agree It’s all a bit “golly gosh”

@DobbyTheHouseElk
Why would it be fun to be flamed for social climbing?!! Some people have been really helpful on this thread.

[quote Goldenspice]@DobbyTheHouseElk
Why would it be fun to be flamed for social climbing?!! Some people have been really helpful on this thread.[/quote]
I have no idea why you think that it would be.

Eh? Who are these people? In my family we do crackers first like you, and so does DH and he went to a public school. Not that it even slightly matters. Since when was cracker snobbery even a thing? I’m honestly astounded. And I know you probably need the salary to pay dem fees but damn, get a new job.