Private school: the good, the bad and the ugly!!!

[Goldenspice]

I think I have convinced DH to do private school but we are newbies to being private school parents. I have spent lots of time online looking at options and visited a few and narrowed it down to one I like and local parents seem really, really effusive. But they are all so positive and realistically their have to be some issues right? It makes me a bit spooked that it is so positive because life isn’t perfect is it? The marketing stuff looks impressive but I hope I am savvy enough to know that is what it is - marketing!
So let’s say I have the ‘good’ bit nailed down - small classes, accountability due to fee’s, decent sports provision and nice extra curricular and nice long day.
So what can be the bad and the ugly be? What do I need to watch out for?!

@Magicalwoodlands
I am needy, that is why I don’t want my kids to be. I got good results in exams but int he work place I rub up with people who I don’t understand and who seem to speak a language I don’t. Why wouldn’t I want my kids not to feel like that?

@Soma
Is second hand ok then?

Truly at the uniforms and the idea that your dh doesn't think it's worth it. This is an investment of hundreds of thousands of pounds over years that will hugely affect your children. Are you this casual about everything? What if you and your dh split up and money gets tight and you start arguing about it, or he or you get ill and you have to really struggle to afford it?

My ds is at state school. Partly because the people I know who have had the most shit school experience are those who went to private school and then had to be pulled out because of financial problems. It always happens at the worst possible time.

If you're serious... based on friends and family experience, make sure that you and your dh are really pro the head teacher, and I would avoid too small a school because friendship options get very limited. And don't assume that the things that are important to you - sport, music, art, maths, whatever- are automatically great just because it's private.

Paying fees doesnt equate to 'results'. You still need to put the work in as a parent to ensure your DC is working. Make sure you opt for a school that suits your DC. If you get the school that is right they should be able to draw out the best in your DC, so even if they are not excelling academically they could be excelling in their chosen sport. The best schools want the child to excel at what they are good at. My DS was a lazy ass but played a tems rugby during his entire time at school nd also CCF. He has army board in a couple of weeks so is hoping to go to sandhurst. His friends who focussed on rugby are playing professional rugby and a few are playing for england, one of his other mates plays for england in cricket, another represented britain in shot putting, recently a boy won the olympics in the pentathlon.

Bad points- I am doing 7 + and i know many parents who have tutors for their kids and have had since they were 3. They have one aim which is the sought after local schools. That is just setting your DC up for needing tutors during their entire education as they cant keep up with those who havent needed one.
Choosing private doesnt equate to good results as your DC still needs to work. My two boys schools have been fantastic with pastoral support as my DC father is terminally ill...so definiely look at the pastoral support.However my DD was awful...she moved in sixth form.

I should add that your DC wont care about whether you are paying or not. So dont hold the 'we pay' card. That is parental choice, keep that crap to yourself.

You might as well ask, state school: the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s school dependent.

I’m going to ignore the ludicrous comments about uniform, but I will point out that if your dc is pre-school age you cannot possibly know that they don’t have SEN.

@PermanentTemporary
Thanks love. I am not as casual as I make out I just try and have a laugh to hide how much everything scares the shit out of me.

@Goldenspice I did assume your comment about the uniforms was kind of lighthearted!
Re. your other comment, I've taught in private schools and there were lots of parents from lower income backgrounds who had done well financially and wanted their kids to have more social confidence than they did. So you would by no means be alone in that respect.

[quote Goldenspice]@DobbyTheHouseElk
Course my kids aren’t going to look down on me or DH but they might feel more confident than I did when I met people I thought of as ‘posh’. You ask me what it means and I can only tell you from where I am standing it means being something I can’t join in with because I don’t understand the rules.[/quote]
Confidence can be gained at any educational setting.

I think you need to have a sit down and really think about what you want from a school.

If you have an inferiority complex maybe this isn’t the right setting for you. I can’t understand if you think posh means rich or posh means self assured.

As far as I know Posh means Port out, Starboard home.

@mynameisbrian
Thanks you and your boy sound amazing.

@SignOnTheWindow
Thanks so much I know I can’t be the only one, it takes all sorts after all.

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies
You sound very wise. You are right we can’t rule out SEN but DH and I don’t have SEN so haven’t been too worried but I will add it to my list of things to worry about!

OK that makes sense. I would own it a bit if you can. You see something in private education that you know you missed out on and you want for your kids. I think that's fine. I hope I'm realistic about the limits of my son's state education, I've been sad about that choice sometimes and I hope your kids have a brilliant time.

@PermanentTemporary ❤️

@Goldenspice ignore the negative comments. People talk about the private school confidence and polish (which isn't a given) and I think that's what you are looking for your DC. Correct me I am wrong.

The uniforms are a pain tbh! It costs over £100 to fit out DD for one day, the pinafore can’t go in the tumble dryer, the one stockist often has supply issues. Most people get a lot of it second though, parents with kids of opposite genders up the school tend to pass it down then we donate to charity instead of paying for it. We do it for the longer school day and small class sizes. If you think it will be the best fit for your child and you can afford it then great but don’t make such an important decision all about your own social insecurities.

The primary reason DD goes to an independent school is so she's in a class of 12, rather than 30.

Literally that.

She does well with structure and routine, and adult input. So we chose a school to provide her with that.

@Soma
exactly you out it much better than me thanks.

@LakeShoreD
Thanks for your advice you sound nice. Do you think other people there have insecurities like me? Sometimes I over share and am too honest!

I really wouldn’t worry about the other parents, they are just a group of people who happened to have a child at the same time as you and who are willing and able to pay school fees- either through earned wealth, inherited wealth, grandparents paying the fees or not having a family holiday every year. You will get on brilliantly with some and may have zero in common with others, but this would be the same at a state school too.

A few of the parents in DS’s class were discussing our own education at a party recently and out of the 12 of us there, only 2 had been privately educated themselves, although this will vary from school to school.

I had a mixture of state and private boarding school education and am grateful for both in different ways.

When he was in year 5 and 6, i took my son to a city musical festival hosted in the local girls' private day school. Only 2 of the many local state primaries entered any classes. Ds was in a recorder group which rehearsed 20 minutes a week in the staff room, and a school orchestra that rehearsed 1 hour a week in the canteen. The orchestral instruments had been bought at a second hand auction by one passionate musician parent a few years before. His children made up about a quarter of the orchestra, they were all exceptional. I bought and donated music stands for the entire orchestra as they had 2 40 year old ones otherwise.

Going to the room for the orchestral class, we walked past maybe 8 practice rooms, 2 instrument stores, a fully equipped recording studio. Next to me on the grand piano when I was watching my son play were the brand new music scores for the private school's second school orchestra.

That's why I would definitely have considered private school for my son, if we knew we could have afforded it. As it happens, he eventually found an instrument he liked, we lucked into a teacher he adores, and as a teenager he embraced music organically himself. But that provision, that ambitious funding for subjects that Gove et at pretend are unimportant? It's very hard to resist.

don’t make such an important decision all about your own social insecurities

This. OP this seems to be more about your own insecurities and less about what's the best environment for your DC.

Maybe use some of your money to have a few sessions with a therapist to see if they can help you overcome your insecurities.

[quote Goldenspice]@spicedappledonuts
That is so good to hear. Do you think other kids judge them in later life though? My friend said she told her son not to tell people at freshers week that he was from private school.[/quote]
Really?

I'd wonder if it was really worth investing a quarter million in an old school tie if DS daren't wear it to Formal Halls.

[quote Goldenspice]@Hoppinggreen
Your poor girly hope she is ok now. Did the girl go to another private school? Would they know they have to treat her like a bully?[/quote]
My daughter is fine now a d doing well at 6th form college
No idea about the bully bit I hope wherever she is it’s shit

Just like State schools every Independent school is different. The “managing out” of pupils with additional learning needs is most certainly not true in all schools. The vast majority also employ qualified teachers, they may however sometimes have specialist teachers eg music, sport, drama who are qualified professionals rather than having QTS. Wish you well with choosing the school, I haven’t done that yet as a parent but imagine I would focus on how the adults and children behaved when I looked around and if they seemed engaged and happy!

@HundredMilesAnHour
Thanks hun. I have had lots of therapy sessions and of course I don’t appear like this in work life where I am thought of as really confident! I am just being honest on here because I can. I think we all make choices for kids partly based on our own insecurities though, just some people can’t see it? Really we are going to do private school because we can do it without much pain. So why not if it is something I would have liked to experience. Same way I would like to take them to the Rocky Mountains cos I never went. I am quite savvy to the downsides too of the school and I am really aware of my own insecurities in this area and I have picked one that isn’t too scary (nice uniforms though!) I think they will love it, I was just looking for some honest thoughts on the bad stuff, I said in my OP that I know they will have small classes and sport and extra curricular stuff. I just feel the parents I met have t told me everything and thought I might find some incognito honesty on here and some have done just that.