Private school: the good, the bad and the ugly!!!

[Goldenspice]

I think I have convinced DH to do private school but we are newbies to being private school parents. I have spent lots of time online looking at options and visited a few and narrowed it down to one I like and local parents seem really, really effusive. But they are all so positive and realistically their have to be some issues right? It makes me a bit spooked that it is so positive because life isn’t perfect is it? The marketing stuff looks impressive but I hope I am savvy enough to know that is what it is - marketing!
So let’s say I have the ‘good’ bit nailed down - small classes, accountability due to fee’s, decent sports provision and nice extra curricular and nice long day.
So what can be the bad and the ugly be? What do I need to watch out for?!

Well the ugly is that they often manage out children with SEN and their existence selects out a good chunk of bright children from the state sector which has a detrimental effect overall. Neither are particularly nice things to do within society.

@Hollyhead that isn’t nice! But selfishly that will be ok for us.

Look at inspection reports. In my experience, they are not too good at dealing with bullying.

@mdh2020
Thanks so much that is really important to us. Where do I find them?

My dc have SEN and are at a private school where they have been supported amazingly.

They don't have to hire qualified teachers I don't think, which could be good or bad depending on the individual.

Hidden costs, nothing is free

@CanICelebrate thanks for that, like I said we won’t be worried about that although I can see it is really horrid for children who have had that happen. Nice that your children didn’t have that negative. Anything else bad or ugly I need to know?

One ugly (from our experience of three private schools) is that some parents can take competitive parenting to the next level. Along the lines of bombarding school with emails if x didn't get the main part in a school play, wasn't picked for the A team etc. One parent paid their son £10 for every exam in which their son received a higher mark than my son. I found that a bit creepy.

I also hate the year group WhatsApps where parents constantly criticise school for every tiny little thing. I imagine it's worse for school having to listen to them. I think they equate paying with the right to dictate school policy to benefit their children.

That said, it's been less prevalent at senior school and I have lots of lovely, normal friends.

@trilbydoll
Thanks! Is that something I can ask the school or will they think I am a nightmare? Is there any other way of checking it they take unqualified staff without asking?

Interestingly ime the opposite of PPs. My DS's state primary was useless with bullying and hopeless with his SEN. His private secondary was brilliant at supporting him with his SEN and also socially so he left school popular and with good A levels because they really looked after him. I know in our local state system he'd have been ignored, bullied and crushed like he was at primary because the kids who bullied him went on to escalate their behaviour with other boys one of whom was badly affected by it.

I'm a SENCo at an independent school and I promise you that I take care of every single one of our kids

@mim321 OMG that takes competitor parenting to a whole new level!! I know a child who was promised a hamster if he got on to a sports team! Glad you have some lovely friends though, I am not so worried about my friendships as I will be very busy working but I am worried about them not fitting in and how children treat those who don’t come from a ‘posh’ background.

@Hugglepup you sound gorgeous! Perfect name for a lovely SENCO! Glad that all private schools aren’t bad with SEN although like I said it isn’t an area of concern for us. Can you think of anything else I need to know from a staff perspective?

[quote Goldenspice]@trilbydoll
Thanks! Is that something I can ask the school or will they think I am a nightmare? Is there any other way of checking it they take unqualified staff without asking?[/quote]
Usually they publish their staff lists and qualifications on the website somewhere.

Used to be the case that staff weren’t qualified teachers, but held a degree in their subject. So very qualified in their area, but not always able to teach to 10 year olds.

The bulling thing is interesting. I don’t know if that’s correct for all schools. State schools can be as bad IMO.

@DobbyTheHouseElk
I suppose that there is bullying in all walks of life? But my worry in a private school is my children might be bullied because they don’t understand the social code and aren’t rich enough to ‘keep up’ with their peers.

You have to see the funny side!

I don't think there's been an issue in terms of "backgrounds" at our schools. At our secondary, plenty of pupils are on bursaries so there's a variety of backgrounds from the very well off to those that have to be careful in order to afford the fees or have sacrificed in other areas. I think the adults are probably more aware of it than the kids who don't seem to comment or care about the size of their friend's house or whatever.

@mim321 that is so good to know, kids are much nicer than adults aren’t they! I don’t know why I have got my knickers in a twist about the ‘posh’ thing because people say they aren’t nearly as posh as they used to be.

Search for them online - reviews, news... anything.

Wander by at drop off and pick up times - do the children look happy? How do they interact with the staff? If you feel brave, strike up a conversation with a parent/nanny at the gates.

Look out for the children out and about in their uniform (see how they behave). There are a couple of schools near us and the children behave like little horrible little snobs.

However I was on the tube once with DS when he was younger and there was a crowd of boys for a particular school. They noticed that DS was watching them play a game and asked him if he played, what his favourite characters were, etc and were really pleasant boys.

[quote Goldenspice]@mim321 that is so good to know, kids are much nicer than adults aren’t they! I don’t know why I have got my knickers in a twist about the ‘posh’ thing because people say they aren’t nearly as posh as they used to be.[/quote]
Just remember it's not just the fees but also the cost of uniform (swap shops exist for a reason), school trips (payment plans are often available) and the things they want to do with friends outside of school. Check results as near us the local ex grammar that basically selects by postcode actually gets better results and we can sell the house for a profit in 10 years I hope!

ISI reports are not impartial. They tend to be a team of senior managers from others schools. Ofsted only look at Early Years and Boarding. Be wary of stats on destination schools and scholarships. A small number of children may well hold multiple places and awards. Consider if you want stand-alone or through schools, how academically selective, sporty/arty/musical, Common Entrance and/or pretest preparation to senior schools etc

@vickyc90
I do wonder if I am being a bit rash sometimes - my DH thinks it is a total waste of money and they would do well in our loc school but we do have the money and I have always had a thing for those cute uniforms! Why he puts up with me I don’t know!!!

My dc have been to nice but normal state schools and pretty pricey private schools.

We have found the SEN provision good overall in private and much better than state.

Dc are actually less fussed about status symbols and there are thriving second hand uniform sales ( pre Covid) in private.

But dc can develop odd ideas of what is normal. Getting dropped off for the school bus in a Ferrari doesn't get noticed as odd.

Our dc don't understand how privileged we are actually are due to the lack of private jets and similar in their life.

But kids are kids and for the most part the kids are a nice bunch and come from a good mix of backgrounds.

@LIZS that is awful about ISI reports - how do people check the schools then? Is it just word of mouth as to whether they are a bad school or not? It’s a minefield isn’t it? It feels a bit scary 😦 TBH

What year are you starting at? Most private schools have a big intake in year 7 from primary schools.

I think bullying happens everywhere. Private schools have lots on bursaries or military families who hardly pay anything like the full fees. No one knows who’s paying full whack or not.

I’ve been privately educated and I’ve been bullied for having a private education so it works all ways.

@spicedappledonuts we don’t have a Ferrari or a private jet, do you think a BMW is posh enough? Actually the school we like is a bit run down but someone told me that lots of posh people have run down houses so they don’t care? I was quite surprised I thought it would be really swanky.