Private school: the good, the bad and the ugly!!!

[Goldenspice]

I think I have convinced DH to do private school but we are newbies to being private school parents. I have spent lots of time online looking at options and visited a few and narrowed it down to one I like and local parents seem really, really effusive. But they are all so positive and realistically their have to be some issues right? It makes me a bit spooked that it is so positive because life isn’t perfect is it? The marketing stuff looks impressive but I hope I am savvy enough to know that is what it is - marketing!
So let’s say I have the ‘good’ bit nailed down - small classes, accountability due to fee’s, decent sports provision and nice extra curricular and nice long day.
So what can be the bad and the ugly be? What do I need to watch out for?!

Your kids won’t be posher than you. Are you looking to become a social climber through your children?

@Goldenspice, one more thing to consider is whether all the extra expenses will be too much of a stretch.
Many people can manage the fees, but then find that private school uniforms can be eye-wateringly expensive. Plus, there are often extra charges for activities - such as music lessons - that you don't have to sign up for, but your child may beg to do because all their friends are doing them. School trips tend to cost more at private schools because cost isn't as much of an issue for parents as in state schools. Then there are things that have nothing to do with school per se, but with your child's friendship group - expensive holidays, birthday parties, presents etc. It all really, really adds up. Of course you don't have to 'keep up with the Joneses', but it can be hard to have to keep saying, "Sorry, we can't afford it."

@DobbyTheHouseElk
The uniforms , the childcare and because I want them to be posher than me and Dh so they aren’t shy when they meet people.what is wrong with that?

I think if you go in with the low expectations that you have then you will be fine.

IME teaching in private is by no means always better than state. Children are no nicer. Management highly variable and there can be a real lack of accountability as they don’t all have the same governing body structures as many state schools.

Facilities are usually better.

[quote Goldenspice]@DobbyTheHouseElk
I suppose that there is bullying in all walks of life? But my worry in a private school is my children might be bullied because they don’t understand the social code and aren’t rich enough to ‘keep up’ with their peers.[/quote]
This can definitely be a problem

@dalrympy, agree with this completely BUT it does depend on what state provision is nearby.

Op, it really depends on the private school. I have 2 nearby, on paper they should be similar but ethos is very different. One has a high academic threshold for entry and as a result it is a pushy school, with pushy parents. Good results, great facilities though and there is a positive image associated with going to the school.

The other has relaxed entry and the school is much more about the whole child.

I have dc at private and was recently commenting to a parent who was debating choices. I said that I knew, logically, that the school wasn't perfect but I struggled to complain about any aspect. Not all teachers are brilliant (many are!) but any bad teacher doesn't last long.

Bullying is definitely stamped on. They are highly responsive to parents but the parents on the whole are not demanding. There is a group WhatsApp but it's helpful, such as sharing info, rather than critical of the school. I guess the very big downside is £££. When it comes to paying increasing fees it does make me think of what else I could do with the money..but equally I wouldn't take my dc out of school.

My dc went to state primary and had a fabulous time but I know 2 parents who have removed from state at primary due to poor teaching (lockdown) and another for bullying. I think funding by government is an issue unfortunately. However dc can easily recover once they go to secondary school.

If you are in a debate with your DH why not state for infant or primary and definitely do private for secondary.

[quote Goldenspice]@Henlie
Thanks yes we can easily afford it but my husband still doesn’t think it is worth it. He is more ‘bricks make you rich’ but I figure we can do that too one day.[/quote]
OK, my last post probably isn't so relevant if you can easily afford the fees!

I have noticed many private school parents very worried about being short of money/feeling that they must keep up with the Joneses. I imagine this is inescapable.

[quote Goldenspice]@DobbyTheHouseElk
The uniforms , the childcare and because I want them to be posher than me and Dh so they aren’t shy when they meet people.what is wrong with that?[/quote]
Quite a lot really. If you express this I think parents at the private school will find that very odd.

@SignOnTheWindow
Maybe I should just do the uniforms and homeschool them. Someone was taking the piss because I said I wanted them in the uniforms but if that didn’t matter to people why would the schools still do them because they are really bloody expensive. I like clothes, why is that a problem?.

I think 99% of people would find it an odd approach op because most choose a school they think their child will best fit and be happiest/do best at. Uniforms have never even been something I’ve clocked.

Ok actually that’s not true - the hideous ones are off putting. I would only use as a factor to rule out not in

I agree with @Henlie about fee increases, reception can start as low as £8k depending where you are up to £40K+.

We had a good laugh with one of my older DC when they mentioned someone arrives every morning in a helicopter. My DC doesn't know who the child is and definitely thought it was over the top and strange.

Ah I see. Shall we talk some more about the uniforms for you?
The lovely blazers
The cute ties?
The blouses for the girls?
The little pleated skirts?

I can see you aren't here for real
Debate

@DobbyTheHouseElk
Don’t you think there will be other parents like me who want their kids to be posher than them? Maybe they just don’t always say it?

Yes I think there definitely will be - people have told me on the qt they want their girls to be “ladies”, have good accents etc but they don’t say it publicly

@batmanladybird
I am here for real. I am having a bit of a laugh at myself but I really do care about those things. Course I want them to learn well and have a nice time, but I also want the social bit even though it scares me. Am I that unusual really?

Is it one particular uniform that you like? IMO private schools have dreadful uniforms. Like kilts which itch like mad in the summer. (I remember it well)

I don’t know of anyone who chose to go privately because of the “cute uniform”. It’s the education that appeals.

You could do cadets or scouts for a nice uniform?

Interesting concept that your children could be “posher” than you. What does “posher” mean to you?

Do you want them to look down on you? I think you are trolling us. Doubt you’ll get much more debate on this thread.

@DobbyTheHouseElk
I am taking the piss out of myself a bit, but it does matter to me but of course not only the uniforms I am not a complete nutter. You said you went to private school so you don’t really know how I feel do you, and why I might want that social advantage for my kids?

I think the uniforms are a bigger pull than people think, actually.

It used to be the case that state secondary schools had jumpers / cardigans for uniforms, then blazers made an appearance. Then academies and kilts and stringent uniform rules.

Why is that? Why are they trying to emulate the private schools through uniform if they are not important?

Anyway, @Goldenspice, I do think you possibly need to tread a bit carefully here. I would certainly consider private school if I felt it the best fit, but I think that trying to make your children ‘posher’ than you / their family is a bit uncomfortable and I think that’s what a previous poster is referencing.

Think about what you are saying about your own child’s family. That you are not good enough, not “posh” enough.

And your posts do come across a little needy and I think that might be difficult to manage in a school setting.

Choose private school, don’t choose private school, either is fine, but I do think the reasons should be a bit more solid than ‘cute uniforms’

So much depends on the school in question. There are brilliant private schools and terrible private schools, just as there are brilliant and terrible state schools. For us, it was deciding which school most suited our DS so we opted for the school that was academic, but not solely focussed on academica and that looked for the talent in every child.

When we chose the school we didn’t know we would need SEN support (although this was evident by year 1) but we wanted a school with good provision regardless. Diversity was also important to us, as was a school that didn’t just attract the ultra rich. The majority of families in DS’s class have both parents working and whilst there are a couple of extremely wealthy families, second hand uniform and making sacrifices to afford the fees is not unusual.

Other schools we looked at that are rated very highly had stressed out, anxious looking children, which was a big red flag for us.

@DobbyTheHouseElk
Course my kids aren’t going to look down on me or DH but they might feel more confident than I did when I met people I thought of as ‘posh’. You ask me what it means and I can only tell you from where I am standing it means being something I can’t join in with because I don’t understand the rules.

@Goldenspice I remember showing my DB the school prospectus of one school we liked, and he said, 'good god, the uniform is hideous.' We all laughed and said that was our favourite school, he tried to eat his words. The uniform at the rubbish first prep school was fabulous, a hat, boater or cap (depending on gender and season), lovely smart blazer, summer uniform, winter uniform etc. I managed to keep it in lovely condition and donated it to the second hand uniform shop.
The second prep school had a very functional uniform, but the coat was cute. The second hand uniform shop was very popular all around and regularly raised £500+ at each sale to be used for charitable donations or things for the DC.
We love second hand uniform!