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Advice please - My DS has been bullied since Sept '06 and I need this sorted ASAP as he is getting death threats now- He is 8

143 replies

CowsGoMoo · 08/11/2007 11:51

Hi All, sorry this may be a long post... My DS is in a school where there are 2 forms to each school year and was happy, settled etc until Sept 06 when the school decided to move some of the children around in the 2 classes to even out the number of naughty children as my sons class seemed to be the better of the two. Since then we have had a lot of bullying from this one particular boy who the head has told me has 'issues'.

My Ds has suffered from being kicked,dragged around by his head, punched, pushed, resulting in bruises on his back where he has been kicked while they have had story time sitting on the carpet, bruises on his arm where this boy has held him too tight and times when he has been alone during breaks, as the boy takes his 'best' friend away from him.This boy is over a head taller than my ds and is quite intimidating.

I initially spoke to his class teacher and she told my son to move away from the boy, esp during carpet time but the kicking continued, my ds would move away from him but he would just shuffle close enough to him to hurt him again. I spoke to the teacher 5 times before going higher up the school and having meetings with the head.

It was him that told me that the child has issues and for my ds to tell a member of staff anytime something happened, he started doing this but the staff have repeatedly told him to go away and make friends with this boy and to play nicely!

This September my ds returns to school but the bullying has taken on a different form, lots of name calling still, kicking, punching etc, but recently he stabbed my son in the arm with a freshly sharpened pencil, which my DH spoke to the head about and yet again all was mentioned was this childs issues, nothing regarding my sons issues of being bullied, He was last week told to P@** off by this boy (he is only 8!) and this is language my ds does not hear at home, and this week he has started to threaten to kill my son.

On tuesday my Ds returned from school clearly upset and told me after lots of persuasion that this boy said he is going to strangle my ds until he is dead and if he doesnt die he will cut his throat, the same threat was made again yesterday as well as my son being kicked.

I have discovered in the last week that not only is this boys mother a TA in the school but also a school governor. I have another appt with the head tomorrow and am so upset and angry as this child has never been told off etc and Im wondering if this is because his mum is a governor etc.

I have looked at removing my son from this school and have spoken to the other primary in our area, however there is a waiting list for a space in his year group and the likelihood is I wont get him in ever (he is in year 4)
I have even spoken to the local Prep school, who do have a space and I have visited it and it looks wonderful but will cost £2200 per term, money we dont really have but will find if necc as this is really affecting my son, family, all of us now and the death threats bit is petrifying me. My son is getting issues now over attending school and regularly cries now about attending school, esp after our latest half term.

I have been informed that if the child stabs him again etc I can get a criminal assault case against his parents and have also been told that the school is failing in its approach to the child protection act towards my son and I will be mentioning this tom at my appt, but does anyone else know of anything else I can throw at the school to make them sit up and finally act against this boy?

I really need any help that any one can offer . Thanks if you have read this far.

CGM x

OP posts:
soopermum1 · 10/11/2007 08:35

this is absolutely shocking, bring in the police, you have absolutely nothing to lose, i don't think your son's situation could get much worse.

either the school is not telling this child's parents or they're not doing anything about it. both parties have to be pushed forcefully into action.

i don't see why your DS should suffer from getting bullied or you suffering having to pay out public school fees.

also, if you pull your son out, he will bully someone else, and the bigger he gets the worse it will be. he's a danger to himself and anyone around him.

death threats and talks of slitting throats are not normal for such a young child.

hercules1 · 10/11/2007 09:01

Not read the whole thread but I speak as a teacher in senior management. You need to inform the police if you havent already decided to do so and keep him at home. Go to your LEA and local MP, write to them all including governors with copies to the head etc.

merryberry · 10/11/2007 14:03

how's it going? can't tell you how much we're rooting for you.

Eliza2 · 10/11/2007 18:50

I was wondering the same thing...

3littlesparklers · 10/11/2007 22:49

OMG - that OP could have been me talking - so much of what you describe happened to me and my ds. The head was useless (still is) and the parent of the bully had far too much power and influence in the school.

Get your son out now. You are his parent and he needs you to protect him. He needs to know you will stick up for him and put his safety ahead of anything else.

You can decide about his education once you have got him out of the situation. In my case, we took out an extension on the mortgage, found a childminder for the younger dcs and I went back to work F/T. We managed to pay fees for a while until we got him into a good secondary school.

Home ed is another option you might consider.

Once your ds is safe, you can involve the police, SS, education authority, governers etc.

My heart goes out to you - honestly - I have been there.

Quattrocento · 10/11/2007 23:01

Lots of good advice on here to which I can add nothing - just wanted to say I am sorry for your DS (and you) and I hope it all gets sorted out soon.

edam · 10/11/2007 23:15

CowsGoMoo, I hope the meeting was constructive and that things will get better for your son.

Re: other schools not having places - the LEA has a duty to provide your son with an education. I hope events have overtaken this advice and you are on your way to sorting things out now, but if not, go to the bloody LEA and tell them everything and demand they find a school place for your son where he can be safe. Get your MP onside if you encounter any reluctance to take this on.

KerryMum · 11/11/2007 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CowsGoMoo · 11/11/2007 14:19

Hi everyone, Wow thanks all of you once again for all your support and really helpful advice.

The meeting I had with the head went exactly how I thought it would, terribly. He did looked shocked when I informed him of what the boy has threatened my son with and that I had already contacted the police and the child protection team through them. I also told him that I was going to start a formal complaint against the school and finally got the head governors name out of him, however he did not think that a joint meeting with me and my husband and the parents of this boy was a good idea and refused to do this on the school grounds. he also point bank refused to put the boy (or my ds) into the other class, he refused to put the boy into lunch club at lunchtime (this is for the children who do not integrate well and have to stay inside at lunch) and also said that he would not exclude him either, as he still believes that its the boys 'issues' which are causing him to act this way.

His answer to all this is for my son to return to school and to write a daily diary (while at school) and put comments into it of whats happening and upsetting him and for him to draw either a happy face or sad face after each encounter with this boy. I am really not sure the head understands what my ds is going through. He also informed me that in a fortnight they are having anti bullying week at school and def wants my son to attend school that week, I got rather angry at that point and said that surely every week should be anti bullying week. I am afraid to say that I rather ranted a lot to him and certainly got all my frustrations out but he did not seem to hear, even when stupidly I burst into tears.

I came home after an hour 15mins of listening to this fool. My ds was so pleased to see me and instantly asked is xxxx been excluded can you imagine how it feels to say that I failed?

so my answer is to move my son. We have signed the bank papers today and will get them in the post for our new loan tomorrow.
SparklePrincess, yes I do live in St. Leonards and have looked at numerous schools in the St. L area. Silverdale is the local school I mentioned in the earlier post all 3 classes in the year are full to capacity and I wont be offered a space there, I have also looked at Guestling Bradshaw, All Saints, Sacred Heart, Blacklands and B&L but all are full. Lewes have offered me a space at St. L CofE but as a school that has just gone into Special Measures Im not keen to take or Hollington, another Im not keen on for reasons Im sure you will know. I have an appt at Battle Abbey prep at 10am Monday and my ds will be spending the day there plus we have an appt on Wed at Claremont (where my dd is at nursery at the mo) I haven't been able to get hold of anyone at Charters yet.

He is certainly never returning to where he is while this boy is there. Am I allowed to out the school on here?

Thank you all once again, and you never know once I have got the full complaint procedure ball really rolling perhaps Lewes will go over the headmasters head and throw the boy out? I know that they have 15 days to review the case and respond to me and the school.

Oh forgot to add that when I did ask for the boys to be separated the head did say yes he would but not until the new school year (sep '08)

I am disgusted with it all. Will certainly keep you you all updated with any further news.

CGM XX

OP posts:
wheresthehamster · 11/11/2007 14:33

Well done - don't let your ds go back until the head can guarantee his safety. The whole situation sounds ludicrous. WRITE A DAILY DIARY!!! I'm spluttering in disbelief! You are WAY past that stage.
His replies to your requests are pathetic. If the boy has 'issues' why aren't they being addressed? And if they are - well it's not WORKING!!

Good luck and I hope something gets done

Heated · 11/11/2007 14:42

So angry on your behalf. This is NOT the way a headteacher should respond - just wondering how another teacher could get it so wrong!!

So sorry they have let you down, it just shouldn't be like this and usually isn't. What did your dh say?

Good luck with the taster session, I'm sure he'll like the other school.

merryberry · 11/11/2007 15:06

well there is one word to use over and over again for this head. 'Ineffective'.

Freckle · 11/11/2007 15:15

Ds1 wrote a daily diary (at my suggestion, not the head's). However, the bullies found it and used it to mock him and bully him further. The head asked to see it and, guess what, it disappeared and was never seen again.

I think you have done absolutely the right thing. The head has shown that he has no grasp at all of the school's duty towards your ds, nor how to deal with a bullying situation. He has been totally ineffective and seems to be determined to act as though nothing is happening. Do make a formal complaint and follow it through with the LEA. Once your ds has gone, this lad will find another victim and the whole cycle will continue.

Your ds will remember you fighting for him and taking huge steps to ensure that he is happy and protected. That's worth so much.

themoon66 · 11/11/2007 15:43

Read whole thread and am sat here weeping for your poor DH

I was bullied quite badly between age 7 and 11. Luckily I passed 11+ and went off to grammar school away from the bullies, or I'm sure they would have carried on through my secondary schooling.

CGM - Feel free to name and shame the school on here.... I'd be tempted to name the bully too!

themoon66 · 11/11/2007 15:45

DS i mean... not DH.. dur. So angry for you I can't type straight.

munchkinmum · 11/11/2007 16:11

Just read the whole thread and just shocked, upset and downright bl**dy furious re: the schools reaction (or lack of reaction) to this. I am appalled.

CGM - keep going and don't let the school get away with this (for your child's sake and also other kids who may be on the receiving end of bullying behaviour).

Keep in touch and keep strong with this.

MM

P.S. Parentline plus maybe a useful resource for you - they provide support for parents on bullying and have another bullying specific parent forum on their website.

www.parentlineplus.org.uk

foxythesnowman · 11/11/2007 16:18

Am furious for you too. The Head's approach is appalling. At least you can take this further.

When you are out of there is the time to name and shame, you don't want to risk jeopodising your complaint (although I'd quietly be telling a few parents about it and waiting for word to spread myself...).

Demandingmoremakoto · 11/11/2007 16:33

I would contact Michael Foster (Hastings MP), The Hastings Observer and Ofsted about the school and the head teachers uselessness. I know the local paper would love a story about how a local school is dealing with this.
I admit I am very curious to know what school it is so I don't send my daughter to it.
I like someone else said I really like Christchurch too.

clam · 11/11/2007 16:36

Why should you have to take out a bank loan for thousands of pounds to fund an education that should be free, if only this HT was doing his job properly?

CowsGoMoo · 11/11/2007 16:44

Hi Demanding, Michael Foster's Grandson is in my ds's class at LR, does that help?!

CGM x

OP posts:
CarGirl · 11/11/2007 16:46

Personally I wouldn't rush to send your ds to an independent school that you can't really afford. I would keep him off school and home ed him for a bit, I would write to the head and the truancy officer stating you will be happy for your ds to return to school when he is a class seperate from the bully. State in writing I will not accept that my child is expected to be in the same room as a boy that has threatened to kill him.

If nothing else it may be the rocket up the HT bum to do something about it.

Let your ds enjoy some time off school to recover from the ordeal.

If in the long run you choose the independent school then fine but I don't think your son's education will suffer being off school a few weeks to force the hand of the HT whilst things develop with your police complaint etc.

slug · 11/11/2007 16:47

I agree, it's time to move up the scale of responsibility. The head has failed in his duty of care to your son and so needs to be reported to:
The Board of Goveners
The Local Education Authority
Your MP
OFSTED

trulymadlydeeply · 11/11/2007 16:59

UN-Believable!! I am really shocked and appalled that the head seemed not to take you seriously.

Don't let him get away with it. You MUST take it further and ensure that the complaint is investigated and action taken by a higher body. How DARE your son be worth so little to him?!

The LEA surely has a duty to ensure that your ds is educated safely in a non-threatening environment, so they HAVE to find a school place for him (although you might like their choice less than his current school).

Please, please don't stop posting - let us know how each step goes. Your story is compulsive reading, though sadly for many reasons that are wrong.

Good luck and stay strong.

soopermum1 · 11/11/2007 17:01

i am sitting here in absolute disbelief at the head's handling of the situation, he has his head stuck in the sand. i would have thought police action would have prompted him to take action, but he obviously does not care enough about his children to do that.

for what it's worth, idon't thnik a meeting face to face with you and the other parents would help. maybe he knows them, maybe he knows they're a vicious pair, i dunno, they might be lovely, but any parent would be defensive in such a situation.

however, the head should be excluding the child and moving him to another class, and expelling the child if the bullying continues.

anti bullying week, what a total joke.

i don't think you should have to shell out for a prep school, i would continue with the police, LEA and other authorities and go to the local paper and MP. as i said before, you have litle to lose from what i can see.

laurliemonkey · 11/11/2007 17:13

i tell ya, that bit about anti-bullying week . i wouldn't like to be held accountable for my actions if that was said to me whilst my ds was in that situation