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Advice please - My DS has been bullied since Sept '06 and I need this sorted ASAP as he is getting death threats now- He is 8

143 replies

CowsGoMoo · 08/11/2007 11:51

Hi All, sorry this may be a long post... My DS is in a school where there are 2 forms to each school year and was happy, settled etc until Sept 06 when the school decided to move some of the children around in the 2 classes to even out the number of naughty children as my sons class seemed to be the better of the two. Since then we have had a lot of bullying from this one particular boy who the head has told me has 'issues'.

My Ds has suffered from being kicked,dragged around by his head, punched, pushed, resulting in bruises on his back where he has been kicked while they have had story time sitting on the carpet, bruises on his arm where this boy has held him too tight and times when he has been alone during breaks, as the boy takes his 'best' friend away from him.This boy is over a head taller than my ds and is quite intimidating.

I initially spoke to his class teacher and she told my son to move away from the boy, esp during carpet time but the kicking continued, my ds would move away from him but he would just shuffle close enough to him to hurt him again. I spoke to the teacher 5 times before going higher up the school and having meetings with the head.

It was him that told me that the child has issues and for my ds to tell a member of staff anytime something happened, he started doing this but the staff have repeatedly told him to go away and make friends with this boy and to play nicely!

This September my ds returns to school but the bullying has taken on a different form, lots of name calling still, kicking, punching etc, but recently he stabbed my son in the arm with a freshly sharpened pencil, which my DH spoke to the head about and yet again all was mentioned was this childs issues, nothing regarding my sons issues of being bullied, He was last week told to P@** off by this boy (he is only 8!) and this is language my ds does not hear at home, and this week he has started to threaten to kill my son.

On tuesday my Ds returned from school clearly upset and told me after lots of persuasion that this boy said he is going to strangle my ds until he is dead and if he doesnt die he will cut his throat, the same threat was made again yesterday as well as my son being kicked.

I have discovered in the last week that not only is this boys mother a TA in the school but also a school governor. I have another appt with the head tomorrow and am so upset and angry as this child has never been told off etc and Im wondering if this is because his mum is a governor etc.

I have looked at removing my son from this school and have spoken to the other primary in our area, however there is a waiting list for a space in his year group and the likelihood is I wont get him in ever (he is in year 4)
I have even spoken to the local Prep school, who do have a space and I have visited it and it looks wonderful but will cost £2200 per term, money we dont really have but will find if necc as this is really affecting my son, family, all of us now and the death threats bit is petrifying me. My son is getting issues now over attending school and regularly cries now about attending school, esp after our latest half term.

I have been informed that if the child stabs him again etc I can get a criminal assault case against his parents and have also been told that the school is failing in its approach to the child protection act towards my son and I will be mentioning this tom at my appt, but does anyone else know of anything else I can throw at the school to make them sit up and finally act against this boy?

I really need any help that any one can offer . Thanks if you have read this far.

CGM x

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 08/11/2007 13:40

Take him out, now. Your son needs to know you will protect him, that you're on his side. Poor lad.

Bewilderbeast · 08/11/2007 13:47

Take him out while you try and solve the problem with the school. Until the teachers and the head take this seriously and act to protect your son he shouldn't be in that environment. I speak as someone who was badly bullied at school and not one person ever intervened, not even when I was strangled. His mental and physical well being are far more important than being at school in the interim.

SSSandy2 · 08/11/2007 13:49

Problem is the boy is still going to be in that school after you've spoken to the head, written to the governors and notified the LEA and they will not be watching out for your child at all times. It's gone on so long now that I think a real chance of turning it around was lost. When I took dd out, I just washed my hands of the school.

Would the independent school let him attend for 3-4 trial days? That's what I did. Then you know what you're moving him to IYSWIM.

slug · 08/11/2007 13:53

Ahh, I see your point. I'm just speaking as a teacher. If word gets out (and it will) that your son has been pulled because of the bullying it will give the bully a certain cache amongst his peers. I know he's only 8, but he will be the big man and be feared by all the vulnerable students as a result.

I guess I've seen the end result of these bullys getting away with their actions too often. An absent child is an absent problem. One whose parent, however, turns up with a police report and full of rightous fury is much harder to ignore.

every child matters includes accountability

very useful information

www.everychildmatters.gov.uk/_files/684162953674A15196BB 5221973959E3.pdf keeping children safe]] is a school obligation. As is accounting for why children miss education and the safer schools parnership is also worth quoting. You may also want to bang on about every parent matters just for good measure.

mintydixcharrington · 08/11/2007 13:54

I was badly bullied at school and remember lying on the ground of the playground while the bully kicked me in the stomach. when I admitted to mum what happened (and it wasn't the first incident, she had complained to the school before, but it was more serious than the other ones), she phoned the police and sent them round to the parent's house which was about 4 doors down from us.

I remember looking at the cop car parked on their drive and being amazed that the police would come out to protect me. It really brought it home to me that it WASN'T oK for him do be doing that. It was a fantastic thing.

The good thing about the parent being a governor is that by writing to the governors you'll be sure that the parents will (a) know what their lovely son is doing (b) know that everyone else knows what their lovely son is doing and (c) be directly responsible for the school being threatened with legal action

all positives IMO. in so many cases you never know how much the parents have been told and whether they realise how serious it is.

slug · 08/11/2007 13:55

Or even 5221973959E3.pdf

luckyblackcat · 08/11/2007 13:58

Can a Governer be an employee of the school? (or vice versa)

I thought Governers had to be independent but interested parties?

Doodledootoo · 08/11/2007 13:58

Message withdrawn

Doodledootoo · 08/11/2007 13:59

Message withdrawn

SSSandy2 · 08/11/2007 14:02

That's a good point minty made that if you write to the head and send a copy to the governors or write to them directly, the OTHER governors will also know what the woman's ds has been doing. That might spur her into action because obviously she knows about it already

casbie · 08/11/2007 14:04

poor boy - i would have had my son out of school - home schooling - weeelllll before now.

go and collect him from school now!

slug · 08/11/2007 14:07

And finally...the legal framework for school discipline Your head teacher is failing on points 6 and 9 at the moment.

(I'm a big believer in going in prepared)

SSSandy2 · 08/11/2007 14:08

maybe she can't home school though if both parents work

LadyMuck · 08/11/2007 14:14

Assuming that you're doing pick-up, then I would head to the school office and ask for a copy of the anti-bullying policy and details of the Chairman of the Board of Governors (personally I wouldn't copy all of the governors in the first instance). If the school office are unable to provide a copy of the antibullying policy then ask for details as to how to complain to OFSTED (they should be able to give you their OFSTED reference number). Though if you get to this point I suspect that your meeting with the Head may be brought forward.

I would write to the Head and cc the Chairman tonight and hand the letter in at the start of school tomorrow. IIRC MintyDixwhatsit had a similar situation earlier this year - her letter may even be on the site if you search. If at all possible bring your dh with you to the meetig tomorrow - you are less likely to feel outnumbered and also you are less likely to get flustered or brushed off.

Good luck. I'm sorry that your ds is goign through this, but hopefully you'll all come through it stronger, especially as he will know that you are there for him no matter what.

mintydixcharrington · 08/11/2007 14:36

yes I was in similar situation but no physical abuse and death threats thank god, so although nasty, not quite as serious
also independent school so didn't get LEA or Ofsted involved
The thing that absolutely escalated it and got them to take me seriously was (a) putting everything down in writing (makes terrible reading) and (b) copying it to the Head of the Governors. By doing so the Head is absolutely under pressure to sort the issue out because it goes directly to whether or not he or she is doing her job. Because it is an issue of failing in a duty of care and the liability of the school.

Best of luck

mintydixcharrington · 08/11/2007 14:37

sorry Chair of the Governors. Puts the Head of the school under pressure (from Governors) to sort it out etc etc

slug · 08/11/2007 14:50

another useful publication

suedonim · 08/11/2007 17:37

I'm so by this. My dd has also been subjected to bullying recently but compared to your poor ds, it's almost nothing. I don't have any advice but just want to show solidarity with you.

trulymadlydeeply · 08/11/2007 20:33

God, what a nightmare. How awful for you - but worse for ds as he's facing it every day.

I agree with lots of people, especially Slug, but the first step is to see the Head, be fully armed with written facts, stay calm and have enough ammunition to parry every point he makes. I would also write a letter and cc in the Head of Governors, and tell them that you will take police advice and action if the situation is not resolved satisfactorily and straight away.

As for pulling your ds out of school - so tricky to know what to do. Follow your instinct.

Good luck and keep us posted.

StrawberryMartini · 08/11/2007 20:36

Oh my goodness. I would take my child out immediately, whatever the consequences - has to be better than this. for you.

PippiCalzelunghe · 08/11/2007 21:04

I am ! How hard must this be for you and your DS. What would I do? I don't know, DD is only 2 and I have got zero exp of english schools.
I am sure though if it reached this stage I'd take him out temp, write to everyone like they said, speak to the parents, and inform the police. In other words everything!! Or I hope I would.

CowsGoMoo · 08/11/2007 23:44

Thank you everyone who has replied to my post and sorry Ive not replied earlier. I have gone through all the posts and followed all the links and made loads of notes.

I have been keeping a daily diary of what my ds has been going through and have written this all down and it will be sent off to County Education plus I will send copies to the Governors and have a copy for the head for tomorrow am. I have spoken to our local police already as it was them who told me that I could open a case of common assault against his parents and have even spoken to a member of the police forces child protection team who are aware of what has been happening.

I have spoken again to the other local primary in our area and the chances of him moving there are very slim, although I could apparently appeal to county hall but as the class is already at its max (36 children? so Ive been told) it looks like I wont get my wish there.

As for the prep school, it is a lovely school and would not normally accept another child into year 4 as they are full, however they told me that they rise to 20 in a class at year 7 and would bring this forward for my ds. We do not have the money to send him there but have spoken to our mortgage company and our bank regarding re-mortgaging to release some equity in our home or the back has offered us a loan, not ideal but if it all helps ds then so be it. I cannot home ed as both dh and I work (to pay the mortgage, otherwise Id give it all up tomorrow)

As for my ds, he asked again not to go back to school tonight and Dh and I have, after reading your comments decided that he wont go back tomorrow. However when this boy is not at school, my ds loves it there, he enjoys school and is quite bright and I think this also is a factor in him being bullied.

I just want to say thanks ever so much again, I am so tired but dont think i can sleep as I have so much tumbling around in my head. My appt is at 9.15 Friday and I will report back on what happens but I keep getting this sinking feeling that the head is just going to ignore me again and Im going to have to fight further with county etc.

CGM x

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 08/11/2007 23:53

I think you have made the right decision, CGM.

Don't send him back until you have written assurances from the Head that procedures will be put in place to keep your son safe.

Write a formal letter to the Head, telling him that your son won't be going back until that happens, and copy in the LEA.

I think you will find that action will be taken very swiftly.

Good luck.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 09/11/2007 00:01

oh CGM how awful for you all.

Lots of good advice on here. I hope all goes well in your meeting.

KerryMum · 09/11/2007 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.