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Original poster

Help-angry with reception teacher

173 replies

angrymum · 18/09/2004 22:12

My ds started school this week.He is 4.5. Today I was talking to him about school and what he had been doing,and he got really upset and said that his name had been put on the " sad sun" whatever that is,because he had gone to the toilet without asking. He couldn't tell me any more details but I am SO angry I feel like I am going to explode.
As I said this is his first week, he has come from a nursery where they just went to the toilet when they wanted to-and I had explained that school was different and that he would have to ask-and more's to the point he hasn't found toilet training the easiest of things to conquer and I'm just relieved that he went to the loo instead of wetting himself.I can't believe he's been punished for this with some sort of public humiliation.
I feel I need to talk to the teacher about this, but not sure how to go about it.My initial reaction to her has been that I don't like her.She is very young and has just finished her newly qualified teacher year, and when I tried to talk to her earlier in the week, in a kind of " has ds been ok?" kind of way she just said, " yes, there's a parents evening next week " in a kind of dismissive, don't bother me way.I don't know whether to try and talk to her on monday or wait till thursday for parents evening.I feel like crying .
Any teachers out there that can advise me? Or more experienced mums? Wouldn't a gentle reminder have been enough??????

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Yorkiegirl · 18/09/2004 22:26

Message withdrawn

Jimjams · 18/09/2004 22:28

I suspect her inexperience has got the better of her tbh. Speak to her- and make sure she knows he has toiletting problems. I suspect he broke a "rule" but she hasn't really thought about it beyond that iyswim.

Angeliz · 18/09/2004 22:32

I'd speak to her too.
I can understand your anger!

I hope you can sort it out and that there's an explanation.

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 22:37

I think he has coped brilliantly with what has been a massive change in his routine,he hasn't clung or cried ,he has gone in happily,has done the work that has been set etc.I can't believe this has happened.I will talk to her on monday, I don't think I can wait till thursday.What you have said yorkiegirl sounds much more reasonable.

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Yorkiegirl · 18/09/2004 22:39

Message withdrawn

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 22:53

yorkiegirl,I'm really worried that I am getting a reputation as " the fussy,over anxious mum".I was the mum who cried in the playground after dropping ds off on his first day, and I've already had to have a word because on thursday he was allowed to play out at lunchtime after eating only some carrot sticks and a yoghurt from his packed lunch.They are supposed to be supervised and not allowed out until they have eaten their sandwiches. This meant that apart from raisins at break, he went a whole day on carrot sticks and yoghurt.How the hell is he supposed to manage on that?? Apparently there was a new dinner lady that day. I'm sure I'm blotting my copy book but if I don't stick up for him, who will??
BTW, I'm not one of these parents who would be up at the school complaining for ds being punished if he had done something really naughty, had hit someone or something.

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Yorkiegirl · 18/09/2004 22:55

Message withdrawn

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 23:05

he hasn't mentioned it since and he didn't mention it until today.That could be because he's embarrassed- he didn't want me to know he'd been told off or it could quite possibly be that he had forgotten all about it until he was reminded.They have a period of free play on a friday afternoon and they can lose portions of it for misbehaviour .He seemed to think he had lost five minutes for this.I AM sure however that this is a bigger thing for me than it is for him.Once he'd had his little cry today he was off playing again, and he came out of school happy everyday. I will talk to her about it on monday and get her take on it.I will do what you said and mention that he's only fairly recently gained complete control and still has the odd accident.But then I don't want him labelled as the kid with the fussy mum who pees his pants!!!!! Oh god this parenting malarkey is hell!!!!!

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jasper · 18/09/2004 23:15

angrymum I hope the teacher can reassure you on Monday about your little boy.

I don' t see how they can make him eat his sanwiches if he does not want to though. Sometimes my kids (three aged five and under ) are just not hungry and don't want much at lunch (or any other time). I don't see how the school is to blame if all he eats is carrot and yogurt.

Wasn't there a thread here recently where soemeone was upset because their child was NOT allowed out to play until a certain amount of food was eaten?

Bet you weren't the only mum with a tear in her eye on the first day!

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 23:22

sorry jasper I didn't make it clear.The rule is nothing can be eaten from lunch box until maincourse is finished.So no yog,no fruit etc,until sandwiches are eaten.I know my ds ,he will have been hungry and just not eaten because he has been allowed to get away with it. He ate all the sandwiches,all the fruit etc at hometime in the playground.I didn't say school was to blame for this, I just asked if someone could check he had eaten before he was allowed out.
Besides,If they are that keen on enforcing rules that they would tell him off for going to the loo without permission,then surely they should enforce the rule about eating lunch??

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Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 23:23

I hope I wasn't the only other mum crying- I felt daft though!

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WideWebWitch · 18/09/2004 23:24

Go and see her and if she doesn't give you an explanation that reassures you then go to the head. If he/she doesn't reassure you, then go to the governors about this policy and if this gets you nowhere then I'd consider changing schools - they're there for quite a long time so you and he need to be happy. If you do need to complain, put it in writing. It should never get that far though IMO: the teacher shouldn't be dismissing your concerns, absolutely not, she is there to teach your son and if you have any concerns about him, she needs to be available to discuss them. BUT, do be reasonable and calm and listen to what she has to say before you go off on one, because my ds has come home with what seems like an awful tale (we weren't allowed to eat our lunch) and when I've asked, it's turned out NOT to be such an unreasonable tale (um, well, no, I don't need you to talk to my teacher because I wanted to play more than I wanted to eat, I COULD have eaten if I'd wanted to). So do check your facts first.

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 23:29

www, thanks for your post.Although I feel angry now,I won't go in with all guns blazing.That's just not me.I think I'll just go in and say ds was upset about something that happened on friday but wasn't able to tell me all that had happened ,can you fill me in,etc.The school seems lovely and the head mistress is fab.She is lovely and friendly and was a reception teacher for years before becoming head.I did wonder whether to have an informal chat to her, in a kind of 'can you put my mind at rest' kind of way.What do you think??

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WideWebWitch · 18/09/2004 23:35

I think talk to the teacher and if you don't feel utterly 100% reassured, then go to the lovely head and ask her to reassure you. You know, another thing (don't know if this is feasible) you could do if your ds was OK is offer to help in the class just so you're around for a bit and get to see how it all operates. Or you could just say you'd like to sit in for a day anyway regardless. I did, when my ds, who was 6 at the time, moved to a new school and was a bit nervous - I just asked if I could go in with him for the first couple of days and they were fine. So I stayed until he wanted me to go (which was 2 hours in on the first day!). It was interesting, I saw how they operated and got a good idea of what I thought of the teacher, who was lovely. I bet your school wouldn't mind - ask your ds if he'd like you to first though (once you've checked the school are ok with it).

jasper · 18/09/2004 23:35

angrymum, can you tell that my 5 yo is only in school in the mornings and I have NO experience of school lunches yet?
I can see I might be in for a shock!
Do the school claim to supervise the lunches, ie actually check if/what the kids are eating? Personally I would not expect the teachers (or is it the dinner ladies - told you I know nothing of all this!)to actually check my son had eaten his sandwiches. Are there any teachers out there who can comment? In fact if my son ( who will be starting packed lunches in October) ate only his fave stuff and went hungry in the afternoon I would consider it to be his own fault and a learning experience . You maybe think I am cruel !

As for the toilet issue do get the teacher to explain what happened as it may well be a very simple misunderstanding.I started school at 4 1/2 and can remember quite clearly the feeling that the whole thing was a bit of a mystery to me! I just did not understand a lot of what was going on around me and I distinctly remember the feeling of general bewilderment I felt. I turned out okay in the end though
I would hate to think you spent the weekend being upset and worrying about it.

WideWebWitch · 18/09/2004 23:36

Or you could offer to help with reading - our school are always looking for volunteers. It's nerve wracking isn't it, them starting school? Good luck, let us know how you get on.

WideWebWitch · 18/09/2004 23:37

Agree with Jasper about lunch, don't see how they could possibly supervise that and the class and the playground and and and...

jasper · 18/09/2004 23:37

at my son's first day (last month) there were quite a few mums crying but lots more grannies!

WideWebWitch · 18/09/2004 23:41

Here was the discussion about my son's first day at school! Wow, can't believe so much time has passed since then!

Original poster
angrymum · 18/09/2004 23:51

I would love to help out in his class but have 12 month old babs to look after as well.I'll have a chat , I'm sure it will work out.
The way lunch time works at ds's school ( as far as i can gather!) is that they eat their packed lunch in their classroom.Teacher and classroom assistant helped them out and stayed with them for the first few days, and then they had a dinner lady with them. So there aren't loads of them in a big room, which would be difficult to supervise.
It is so difficult this starting school thing and so different from nursery.At nursery I ALWAYS felt that I could talk to the staff about my son, we were given loads of information about what they were doing , what activities happened on what day, how they had been on a particular day. I could phone up whenever I wanted and someone would tell me if he was ok. I know school can't be like that, but to go from that to this not knowing what has happened apart from what I can drag out of ds, is a big culture shock.
I am going to get involved with the pta as most of their activities seem to be weekends and evenings.Maybe that way, I will learn more about what goes on.

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Ghosty · 19/09/2004 00:04

When I was 4 I was too scared to ask the teacher if I could go to the loo (she was an old witch type) and so held on and on until I finally plucked up enought courage, ran to the loo, couldn't undo my dungarees in time (who on earth puts 4 yr olds in dungarees??) and wet myself
Can remember it like it was yesterday and can't remember anything else about that school ... so these things do stick in your mind.
Angrymum, I think you should talk to the teacher (be all nice and smiley and 'I'm not being difficult but ... ') and tell her that your DS has had problems with toilet training, is not yet used to asking, please give him a bit of lea way on this for now and you and she can work together at reminding him to ask next time.
When I was training to be a teacher I was observing a lesson (yr 1 children) and a boy asked to go to the toilet. The teacher did a classic "You are supposed to go at playtime ..." and then he got told off for being cheeky when he said, "I didn't need to go then" ... and then promply peed all over the floor.
Poor child was traumatised and I vowed that day never ever to make going to the toilet an issue for any child in my class ...

Ghosty · 19/09/2004 00:05

My post reads like it was the teacher who promptly peed on the floor ... obviously it was the little boy ...

Original poster
angrymum · 19/09/2004 00:15

aargh ghosty, poor little chap.I wish he had peed on her.Year one they are still only about 5 aren't they?? What a cow.I think that even if hadn't been slow with his toilet training,it would be wrong to punish him for this in his first week.They are still settling down and learning what the rules are and , finding out where the toilets are.I'm so glad you made this vow to yourself ghosty.By the way, as a teacher..am I right in thinking a 'sad sun' is a thing on the wall where the names of naughty children are put up???(god i'm all choked just writing that!)

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jasper · 19/09/2004 00:33

angrymum I know what you mean about the difference between nursery and school.
School seems so "behind closed doors" in comparison doesn't it?
I really haven't a clue what is going on at my son's school but fortunately am not a natural worrier so am not concerned (yet!)

Original poster
angrymum · 19/09/2004 00:38

yes jasper it really is behind closed doors.We have to drop him at the classroom door and teacher stands at the door to stop us going in(my take on it anyway!)and thats it.Endless letters home about autumn fairs etcbut nothing else! Nursery used to have atime-table on the wall in the foyer showing what activities they would be doing on what day, then you could say to him " did you make such and such today" and it would trigger his memory and he would tell me.Now it's like , what did you do? nothing!

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