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Daughter accused of being racist

380 replies

Loopylou19861234 · 08/09/2018 15:27

oopylou19861234

Hello i am not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes.... i need advice please.
Yes yesterday I had a phone call from my daughter's stating that there had been an incident of a raciel nature full stop when I enquired what had happened I was told that during a game on the playground my 7 year old daughter had referred to a boy as the Black Boy this was used in descriptive nature not as an insult but nevertheless she was pulled out of class for the rest of the day but up for racial insults which is going on her permanent record and is being referred to the board as a serious matter I am very confused over this matter as I don't think it's true or correct that my daughter has been branded a racist by the school what can i do?

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OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 09/09/2018 13:15

My son was accused of being racist and heavily punished and went on record etc. He denied it and when I picked him up from school ready to actually kill him - he seemed to have no idea what I was talking about (school had rung me and I had no idea they hadn't even spoken to ds).
He seemed even more confused when I'd calmed down enough to explain racism as "but there isn't a black child in my class".

Ds was extremely ill afterwards and barely spoke at school for months.

Until 8 months later a group of boys that bullied him admitted they'd persuaded another kid from another class to report ds telling him that ds had called him a racist name. This was a kid ds had nothing to do with after he'd tipped yogurt over ds in the school field months before. Ds hadn't been able to identify the child who did it because ironically he didn't even use the description "the black boy".

The school were unable to answer why they'd been so ready to believe a report without even considering the facts and without witnesses and destroy my ds.
Well they did answer. Basically 4 kids reported it so they automatically believed them and it's racism which is dealt with heavily.
I did point out that if they'd bothered to stop and think and investigate they'd have realised something was amiss when ds called a kid a racist name whilst in a class they weren't even in together!
Also that after they'd pointed out the child to ds and he'd reported that was the one who assaulted him why didn't they take that as racism as ds is of a different race?

Don't get me wrong I think all phobic and discriminatory assault is heinous. I just don't think we should be criminalising people without absolute proof or thorough investigation just because it's racism.

It doesn't solve racism - it creates more hostility.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/09/2018 13:19

something like that happened to my son.
He was being bullied by his peers and by the teacher (yes it does happen) and the one black kid in his class "reported" him for saying 'ni**er'
this is not a word that is in our vocabulary at home, at all. What he had said was 'idiot'.
Basically he was excluded from the class (made to sit with his back to the rest of them) and this went on for months and months until I had to pull him out.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/09/2018 13:26

*in fact it was the same kid that approached me in the playground to tell me that kids' friend D. was 'being racist about my skin colour'. When I asked what had happened, he had said to D who was very ginger, 'get back in your biscuit tin gingernut'. To which D. had said 'you get back in your chocolate box'..

Bloody kids.

adviceonthepox · 09/09/2018 13:29

I have never heard calling a spade a spade as a racial term it always meant to tell the truth regardless of if it is wanted or not.
My 3 year old will regularly say thing like you know so and so from nursery the one with the brown face, I do correct her but it's hard for her to understand, she doesn't see anything wrong in that it's a description to her. She attends a state nursery and it is very diverse. She is in no way a racist she hasn't been taught to be. A child describing another child by their hair/eye/skin colour is just that innocent and not racist.
I know their are children who have learnt derogatory terms for different people but surely they are the minority still?

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 13:44

Are only black children allowed to feel bad when they are caught up in adult debates

Clearly no one is saying that but this question is not surprising as it is a typical diversionary tactic.

However, to address that question; this issue is not an adult debate. Racial prejudice and exclusion is learnt from very young. Unconscious bias is planted from very young. This is not just an adult issue or debate.

Furthermore, yes if a black child is at the receiving end of abuse, then yes their feels should be prioritised over the person committing the offense.

But tell me this, in this so-called adult debate that not only black/BAME children are allowed to feel bad, what is it that the white children should be feeling bad about? That they have been pulled up for racially offending the BAME child? That question is so bizarre, not only because no one made any such claim but also because of what it is implying.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 13:58

Apart from the far right, no one ever openly admits to being a racist. Everyone will swear blind they are not racist.

Also people are generally not taught to be racist. It's ridiculous to claim that a child cannot be racist because they were not taught to be racist.

Most men have never been actively taught to be sexist. Most people aren't taught to be homophobic. Children pick things up through their interactions with those they spend time with, listen to, etc. Moreover unconscious bias is baked into our experiences.

The greatest fallacy is that racism is dead and only a minority of people are racist. Thankfully, after several studies and reports the government, academics, and workplaces, including schools are finally realising that racism is alive and well. It had never gone away. True it's a minority that will openly use racist language but the gast majority remain complicit in perpetuating everyday biases that's wrapped into our institutions and how we think about others.

No longer can we ignore this problem. No longer should we say "what about our feelings", "we are not racist", "they have a chip on their shoulder, they are playing the racecard, political correctness, blah, blah blah". No longer should we try to silent the voices of BAME people, refusing to hear about their experiences, discounting their feelings, and acting as if racism is imagined, that it is confined to the past.

The damage done to young BAME children from young must be immense. The impact on them as adults and how they view and respond to the world cannot be understood by those of us who never had to consider our race as a barrier.

NotDavidTennant · 09/09/2018 14:04

Weightsandmeasures, why do you keep referring to this child as 'the black boy' when you apparently believe that OPs daugther is racist for using that same phrase? Are you a racist?

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 14:34

NotDavidTennat, I'll be blunt. I believe you are being deliberately disingenuous in your contribution to this discussion. I have clearly said a number of times that there is likely to be more to this incident than the little boy being called a black boy. I even clearly said that I regularly call or refer to people and colleagues as black/white/Asian, etc and I've never been accused for being racist for it. I absolutely do not think calling someone black, white, or Asian is a racial slur except if in the context and given the tone it is used and meant as an insult.

Like many you are looking for all sorts of excuses to allow you to ignore the real issue here.

I think I've said all I need to say on this thread at the moment. I do not want to risk this issue becoming about me as there is a real issue here. A real issue for the OP, her DD, and the little black boy and his family.

The boy may have gone home distress. Who knows.

At the very least, the OP should use this as a learning opportunity for her daughter. Let her know that calling a person black, white, Asian, etc is not wrong in itself but that it should never be used in a negative way to exclude or insult. If the OP only focuses on arguing that her daughter did nothing wrong, she might simply be reinforcing in her daughter a view that the feelings or experiences of BAME people do not matter and a secondary. They boy felt bad and she needs to acknowledge that. She needs to understand that whatever was said, hurt him. She cannot dismiss his feelings because she decides he should not feel that way or is wrong to feel that way. Are we to dictate how BAME people feel and react to our behaviours? We know better how they should feel and respond?

Rosetintedglasses454 · 09/09/2018 15:22

@Weightsandmeasures
I cant find a clapping icon otherwise I would use it. Ive only skimmed through the last 2 pages of comments but think you have clearly hit the nail on the head.

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 15:44

Wow, I live in London and had no idea 'spade' was a racial slur!!

I thought @3girlmama was just using a common phrase...

SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2018 15:48

I'd heard the phrase black as the ace of spades but it was usually something my DM said when I came in filthy from playing outside.

catkind · 09/09/2018 15:53

The kid clearly wasn't excluded, the whole point of pointing him out was so he could join in the game.

I don't like this "well something worse must have happened because school punished her" when school apparently failed to inform OP in a timely manner, and did not make any reference to this something else which supposedly happened when they eventually decided to tell OP about it.

OP's question is did school react appropriately to X incident. To answer that by saying that schools always react appropriately therefore incident must have been Y and Z seems nonsense to me. Not unreasonable to ask is it possible that Y or Z might have happened too, but if they did school are still at fault for not explaining that properly to OP and her DD.

Given the large delay in reporting it, I'm wondering if the Y and Z that happened might have been an actually racist incident with a different child at lunchtime, and what OP's DD said came up when the boy was discussing that with a teacher so it got caught up somehow in their minds.

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 15:58

But maybe I haven't heard it because I wasn't born til the 90s

WhatFreshHellisCis · 09/09/2018 15:59

Omg @lemonyssnicket you live in London and you don’t know everything?!? Shock

Imagine us poor fools who live outside of London!!

Is there even a world outside London?!

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/09/2018 16:01

" maybe I haven't heard it because I wasn't born til the 90s "

I imagine that might be why, tbh. I was born in the 60s and only heard it as a thing of the past..(books and so on)

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 16:02

@WhatFreshHellisCis I meant because I live in London which is very mixed racially so have more chance of coming a cross the term than someone in a 90% white village...calm down.
And yes, I'm aware there is life outside of London, as I am not from London... I'm not even from the South.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/09/2018 16:04

" I'm aware there is life outside of London, as I am not from London..."

that is fairly obvious...:)

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 16:04

How so?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 09/09/2018 16:06

because if you were, you wouldn't be mentioning it in the same way.
Anyway it's not important, just an observation.

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 16:07

Fair point

WhatFreshHellisCis · 09/09/2018 16:07

Ahhh so more chance of Londoners being racist... I see...

LemonysSnicket · 09/09/2018 16:11

More chance of Londoners interacting with other races and finding out about out of use derogatory phrases, eg using the phrase and a friend pointing out that it's not OK.

I'm not sure why you're finding such an issue with the fact that I mentioned London... I did so because I had just read a post saying 'I'm from London so I've heard the phrase' so I thought I'd say that I live in London and haven't... maybe the pp was too far upthread to be read in context with mine

crazydoglady6867 · 09/09/2018 16:17

ginorchoc. You don’t dig a garden with a shovel. A spade and shovel are different tools. Sorry to go off topic OP!

NotDavidTennant · 09/09/2018 16:20

I'll be blunt. I believe you are being deliberately disingenuous in your contribution to this discussion.

No, my point was to illustrate that anyone, however well-intentioned they may be, can have their words taken out of context and misinterpreted. That's why it's better to give people the benefit of the doubt rather automatically leaping to condemn them.

I have clearly said a number of times that there is likely to be more to this incident than the little boy being called a black boy.

Yes, but there is no evidence for that. You are speculating that something worse must have happened as that give you justification for getting up on the moral high-ground.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/09/2018 16:57

To the poster who poured scorn on the idea of there being only one black kid in a primary school, and everyone knowing his name: that is certainly the case in my son's primary school.

Small one form village primary, one black kid, very extrovert, likeable character, everyone knows his name. There are a couple of Asian kids, but only one black kid.

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