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Daughter accused of being racist

380 replies

Loopylou19861234 · 08/09/2018 15:27

oopylou19861234

Hello i am not sure if this is the right place to post but here goes.... i need advice please.
Yes yesterday I had a phone call from my daughter's stating that there had been an incident of a raciel nature full stop when I enquired what had happened I was told that during a game on the playground my 7 year old daughter had referred to a boy as the Black Boy this was used in descriptive nature not as an insult but nevertheless she was pulled out of class for the rest of the day but up for racial insults which is going on her permanent record and is being referred to the board as a serious matter I am very confused over this matter as I don't think it's true or correct that my daughter has been branded a racist by the school what can i do?

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OP posts:
NotDavidTennant · 09/09/2018 10:39

This will follow her for her whole life.

I realise this situation is upsetting for you, but you need to keep a sense of proportion here. Even if it goes on her school record this won't follow her round for her 'whole life'. Nobody will see the school record other than the school itself and the education authorities.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 10:41

Loopylou, I really wonder whether there isn't more to this incident. The school seems pretty resolute on this. I'm not saying they are right but I seriously doubt the situation is as benign as you described.

You lost some sympathy and credibility from me when you ask whether calling a ginger-haired person ginger-haired is racist. If that was a serious question, then it appears you are used to diminishing this very serious issue. I hope you did not ask that question to the school because I think it would give an overall impression that you probably wouldn't have wanted to.

To some extent I can understand people mixing up xenophobia and racism but asking whether prejudice or ridicule over hair colour being racist is ridiculous.

We cannot keep pleading ignore or trying to excuse our behaviour towards BAME people. Telling them to suck it up because we did not mean to offend or telling them they like playing the race card or that they are too easily offended. We cannot keep having our cake and eating it. When we are called out on our behaviour we quickly turn things around and say we are the victims of political correctness. The real victim are those who have to put up with these subtle abuse day in day out and numerous times within our the day.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 11:03

I'm catching up on the comments here and there and it is extremely telling that all sympathies lie with the little white girl no sympathy for the little black boy who felt affected enough to have complained. He must have been hurt by her comments. But apparently he is not the victim here. He is part of the problem and the poor little white girl is the victim.

At the very least the comments on "poor little someone" could have been balanced, recognising that both little ones are equally deserving of sympathies and may have been caught up in something that they both are very young to be dealing with.

Unconscious bias is alive and well and very, very, dangerous.

CherryAide · 09/09/2018 11:10

@Weightsandmeasures I agree. Which is why I believe that this is an educational opportunity for OPs dd around cultural sensitivity and WHY he may have been upset, and of course the boy's upset should be taken in to consideration. He was upset for a reason, and he should be comforted and taken seriously.

I just don't think on this occasion that the word 'racism' should be used as I don't think that's what it was.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 11:21

CherryAid, I am sitting on the fence in terms of whether or not it was racism. The school feels very strongly about it so I am inclined to believe there may be more to it. Maybe the tone and the general context, also possibly evidence given by others, might be instrumental in the schools decision.

If it was simply a descriptor then I agree it isn't racist. I refer to people/colleagues as the black/white lady/man, etc and I've never been accused of being racist.

quickcheekyone · 09/09/2018 11:23

Try data protection laws GDPR and make a subject access request on behalf of your daughter. If the school has it written on your dd's personal information record that she is a racist then you should request that that information is deleted from their records as it is untrue and damaging.

SharpLily · 09/09/2018 11:59

I'm catching up on the comments here and there and it is extremely telling that all sympathies lie with the little white girl no sympathy for the little black boy who felt affected enough to have complained. He must have been hurt by her comments.

I'm not sure we've been reading the same thread. And what is BAME please? No doubt the question will paint me as racist but I've never seen it before this thread.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2018 12:02

I've not got a lack of sympathy for the boy, I just think the school's response is disproportionate and a bit police state.

MrsFogi · 09/09/2018 12:06

Late to this thread - that sounds absolutely nuts.
This is why people were raising concerns on the NSPCC chat thread - the same will happen when children try to "tell" about a man (i.e. someone who has a penis and looks like a man) but we enter the brave new world in which it would be transphobic to label someone by one gender if they self-identify as the other (even if they look like their biological sex).

Faithless12 · 09/09/2018 12:30

@weightsandmeasures I agree with you. So much victim blaming is happening on this thread. OP’s daughter said something that upset a little boy. Why is she getting sympathy and not the boy who should be ok with people pointing out his race. How many times a day does a white person get their race pointed out to them, ask that same question to a black person and I bet it’s 100% higher.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 12:36

More diminishing of racism and the impact on the victims. How is this situation, the inherent injustice and continued exclusion anything like a child reporting a man with a penis, etc.

Something happened, enough to make the black boy feel bad. Should he not have said anything? Should he have sucked it up or should the teachers not have taken him seriously. Because that is what this is boiling down to.

Little Black boy complained about an incident where he felt his race was used against him. Teacher believed him and believed that something amounting to racism occurred. Yet this thread seems to be all about "little white girl cannot possibly acted in a racist way" after all nice white people cannot be racist, little black boy should not be believed. Little white girl is the victim in all of this. It is bonkers that the teachers gave any credence to complain by little black boy.

Truly shocking and disturbing.

We do not have the right to act in ways or say thinks that can be construed as racist by the recipient and then jump into the seat of judge and jury and say we cannot be racist and that the problem lies with the complainant. We cannot think it is morally right to continue to have our cake and eat it with impunity. Nice white people can be racist. Racism is now largely covert. Through unconscious biasness. Racism is now more dangerous than it ever was. Lurking in shadows and revealing itself through things like Brexit debates, etc.

It is right that the little black boy was listened to and that the OP's daughter was pulled up for it. How serious the incident was, is anyone's guess. Good on the school for not brushing aside the boys complaint.

In the US we see tune and time again black people denied justice when a white person, usually a cop, harms them in some way.

BAME stands for Black, Asian, other minority ethnic groups. I didn't know what it meant until recently.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/09/2018 12:38

The punishment doesn't fit the crime

CherryAide · 09/09/2018 12:39

@Faithless12 I have my race pointed out to me fairly regularly. Thing is, when I was a kid I was always talked to about these things if a situation like this arose. Seems like there's been a huge lack of communication here and it hasn't been dealt with properly. It needs to be dealt with on both sides by both sets of parents and appropriately by the school. I don't think it sounds like racism however I wasn't there. It sounds like an opportunity to educate the young girl and to talk to the young boy and determine exactly what was said and WHY it upset him. Did she say it in a nasty tone of voice? Did another comment follow? Was there more to it than meets the eye?

As I said, it needs to be dealt with appropriately from both sides. I'm failing to believe that a school would be that naive to simply write that this 7 year old is a racist on her records and send her home.

Seems like there's either more to it as pp points out or it has been dealt with horrendously!

DiegoMad0nna · 09/09/2018 12:40

TBF, OP didn't say in her original post (or her first few replies) that the boy complained. It seemed to be implied that the teacher overheard her and pulled her up on it.

If the boy complained, I would guess that the daughter said more than OP knows or is letting on. I can't see a boy complaining about innocently being called black.

CherryAide · 09/09/2018 12:43

I can't see a boy complaining about innocently being called black.

I know many young black children who are paranoid and sensitive to race issues. I can absolutely see a young boy complaining about something even if it is innocent. It's surprisingly difficult at times growing up as part of an ethnic minority. It's hard to tell whether other people have good intentions or not.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 12:43

Thanks Faithless. It is truly disturbing that the corollary of many of the arguments here amounts to a desire to have the little black boy's complaint ignored.

It feels as if he should not have been listened to. As if he is the problem for feeling bad about the incident.

Why should his feelings be ignored? I cannot fathom why.

He was affected. Good on him for raising it and good on the teacher for listening and acting.

I will give the school the benefit of the doubt.

I am truly ashamed that at the core of what people are suggesting here is that the white girl's feelings and future is more important than that of the black boy. Apparently the school should not have taken his complaint seriously and should have simply seen it as some silly incident and the boy someone just making a fuss over nothing.

I do wonder whether there is more to this and why the school reacted so firmly.

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 12:44

Diego, the OP absolutely said in one of her posts that the boy complained.

DiegoMad0nna · 09/09/2018 12:45

Why should his feelings be ignored? I cannot fathom why

Because for at least the first 5 pages of the thread (I haven't read everything since then) it was never mentioned that the boy himself complained.

SharpLily · 09/09/2018 12:47

"little white girl cannot possibly acted in a racist way"

I don't see anyone else talking about a little white girl - I don't think it's been said that she's white. She could be Asian, Arabic, Latina. I am happy to feel bad for both children, neither of whom I would think clearly understand the import of what they have said and done. I do think a seven year old who knows nothing about the 'weight of history' behind the use of the word black and got told off when she had no idea what she'd done wrong is a victim here too. Are only black children allowed to feel bad when they are caught up in adult debates?

DiegoMad0nna · 09/09/2018 12:47

Diego, the OP absolutely said in one of her posts that the boy complained

Yeah, I just found it on page 9. I'm just saying it's not surprising people are responding in one way when the full information wasn't given until 9 pages and about 18 hours after the OP.

CherryAide · 09/09/2018 12:48

Are only black children allowed to feel bad when they are caught up in adult debates?

This is half the problem isn't it. Many people on here seem to be talking about these kids as if they are adults.

youarenotkiddingme · 09/09/2018 12:48

Rose that's different as he was using a reference to skin colour as a reason to be unkind. It probably wasn't racism (definitely bullying Sad) in a 4yo but definitely could lead to racist attitudes in later life and needed challenging.

Can't remember who said above about the PO making it worse is spot. When it gets to the point you are afraid to use any word or saying because someone will tell you it racist or another ism and when you ask for information - continually tell you you deliberately meant offend - eventually people will just shrug and decide to say whatever because whatever they say is wrong.

As I mentioned above my ds has spastic CP. some people are afraid to mention spastic muscles or spasticity for fear of people saying they are being disablist. Except there are 2 different contexts.

  1. Is the kids who call him a spastic as an insult at school. "You're a spastic"

NOT OK

  1. Talking about his lifelong disability and the effects it has "you are spastic today"

I've taught ds when kids call him a spastic to reply
"I'm not a spastic - I'm spastic. A subtle difference someone with your intelligence wouldn't comprehend"

Surprisingly works very well.

Sadly my dad (retired secondary teacher) refuses to discuss some of his medical things because he remembers the word spastic being used widely as a cruel insult in 70/80's teaching. He can't think of his beloved grandson in that way.

MadameButterface · 09/09/2018 12:54

What a crock of shit from beginning to end

There’s been tons of these ‘oh noes accidentally racist’ threads lately. Kudos for it not being about golliwogs this time. It’d be great if all the gormless frothers would cop on a bit though instead of falling for it every time and wringing their hands about how ‘you can’t say any words at all ever these days or you get thrown in jail’ wah wah

Weightsandmeasures · 09/09/2018 12:56

Diego, the OP said the boy complained. At least that's what she was told by the school.

Sharplily, from what the OP said, it is safe to assume her daughter is white. Even if she is Asian or another race, it is still unacceptable ceptable and should be disciplined.

Children pick up a whole lot from the things we say, how we treat others, etc. So whilst a 7 year old may not know the history, they are able to reflect and project adult prejudice.

There are lots of 7 year old who say the vilest of racist things without knowing about the weight of the history behind things. All they comprehend is that someone's colour can be regarded as an exclusionary feature, that it can be used to hurt or give insult, etc.

Anyways, it's up to the OP to understand what really happened. Something clearly did happen. I don't think the teachers are lunatics. Their response sounds far to firm for it to be something that could have been dealt with by a quiet word with the parent.

SharpLily · 09/09/2018 13:09

This thread is so depressing.