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Education

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Original poster

Boarding School blues

132 replies

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 06:27

Hey, new to site......I could really do with chatting to someone else who's going through what me and my DH are going through right now. Our youngest son (11yrs) started boarding school this Wednesday and has rang several times a day demanding we pick him up. The phone call last night was the first without tears but right at the end he said please pick me up tomorrow, promise, please. How long will this last? Is there anyone else experiencing the same? My eldest son went too but he settled in like a dream and had now gone back this year to do his A-levels, despite the fact we told him after his GCSEs he could come home and study within our city. He chose to go back as he loves it there. We're at our wits end and I've aged 10 years from crying and it's only been 2 days!!

OP posts:

MalcolmFucker · 07/09/2018 06:37

Why don't you go and fetch him?

OracleofShelf · 07/09/2018 06:41

Oh dear Tudor what a nightmare. We had a struggle settling DS1 a few years ago. It took a few weeks until he settled down, with the occasional wobble after that. He's fine now and enjoys it but it was hard for everyone.
Speak to their Housemaster and find out what they are doing to help him. They will be used to this. He won't be the first and he won't be the last to find it all a bit of a shock. And for your DS I would take the line that you expect him to give it a go, but if he really really hates it he can come home. For my DS we said give it a year, but you might say a term or two if you think a year too long.
Hugs for you too, it's horrible. It will hopefully be short lived and he will thrive.

Hideandgo · 07/09/2018 06:45

You need to cut a deal with him that he’ll do a term or a year and then you’ll seriously consider his request to come home. Why is he not settling compared to his brother do you think? Is your other son nearby to help him settle in? Some kids are simply not suited to boarding school but some just find it a shock at first and go on to love it. I think you need to consider it might not be the right place for him but I’d still be making him see out a specified period to try it.

I don’t think it’s helpful to him and his self esteem to go fetch him immediately unlike what the above poster said. If he’s loved and supported and you’re always on the end of the phone then he needs to engage his ability to cope and make some decisions himself. It’s a harsh lesson but an 11 yr old is well able to handle it, it’s just something very new to stand on your own feet.

Good luck. Hope he settles in really quick.

Andcake · 07/09/2018 06:53

Your poor son... go get him and bring him home. Different kids need different schools and parenting. I begged to go to boarding school as I disliked home and my parents ( they couldn’t afford it). But other kids need the emotional support of their parents who they love and are connected to.

newcupcake · 07/09/2018 06:56

Go get him now ! He's 11 and wants his mum ! I don't get why people have children to pay someone else to care for them

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2018 06:58

You need to speak to his housemaster and matron. It is often the case that the tearful phone call home makes the boy feel much better afterwards, leaving the parent on the other end of the line feeling awful when he hangs up! Some kids also are fine all day and only feel sad when they ring you, and then are fine again - like the toddler at the nursery door who settles 5 seconds after you leave. I know housemasters who would ban all mobile phones for the first month if they could as it makes settling in harder.

Don't make promises about picking him up that you can't keep, either - say you'll reevaluate at Christmas, or in June. Tell him you'll be at his next sports fixture or play or whenever you'll next see him and stick to that commitment so he knows you'll turn up when you say you will.

Ring the housemaster and matron today and have a chat with them - they've seen it all before and will be able to distinguish between a boy who is a bit homesick when he hears your voice, an someone who is truly not cut out and/or ready for boarding.

InDubiousBattle · 07/09/2018 07:02

Why is he a boarding school? Is there a reason that he can't come home? I think your response would be different depending on why he's there/how you came to chose the school.

OracleofShelf · 07/09/2018 07:02

Oh and OP, ignore the goady fuckers. You are trying to do the best for your son. You will be questioning your decision at the moment but you are trying to do the right thing.

InDubiousBattle · 07/09/2018 07:02

Choose not chose

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2018 07:03

And ignore the people on this post who will pile on to tell you to pick him up straightaway because boarding is always bad. They're just like the people who say you shouldn't ever put a toddler in nursery or with a childminder because why have children when you give them to someone else to raise. Everyone has different kids and different reasons for choosing boarding for them so just ignore them.

Sometimes I wish there was a boarding sub-board of the Education topic for people to get support because I see these threads derailed time and time again.

Xiaoxiong · 07/09/2018 07:04

Oracle snap

Aethelthryth · 07/09/2018 07:06

My son went at 8 and the first few weeks were terrible. The school discouraged perpetual telephoning home, which I think helped and I sent lots of cards and little parcels. We brought him home every Saturday night, which may have made it take longer to settle; but it's what he wanted and I think it was the right thing to do. Going back after half term was hard; but by Christmas he was loving it. Give it time. Once he makes friends and starts having fun and gets really engaged in his new little world he will probably be fine. Do not go and get him. Speak to his housemaster or his wife and make sure that they understand that your son is finding it hard and they will make a special effort

CarolDanvers · 07/09/2018 07:08

It's not about being a GF, though I suppose it's easier to dismiss it as that; if you don't like an opinion then ridicule it kind of thing. It is about people genuinely not understanding how a parent could hear that and not go and get their child. I went to boarding school at age 9 and actually loved it for the first few terms. I grew to hate it and the loneliness and sadness I felt at times there were indescribable.

chocatoo · 07/09/2018 07:13

I am a parent who struggles to understand why you would choose to send a child to boarding school but putting that to one side I would suggest that you say you will reevaluate at Christmas. Of all the boys that I know who went to or who are at boarding school, the majority settle in the end, but it’s not for everyone.
If you are feeling bad, just imagine how your 11 year old is feeling!

minimalist99 · 07/09/2018 07:20

I was like this as a child, it took me a couple of weeks to settle, looking back I feel sorry for my parents as I used to give them hell the first few weeks after the summer holidays.

Hope your son settles and ignore the comments from people who have no experience at boarding school. I lov3d my school and I look back at it very fondly now. I dont love my parents any less and we are very close as a family.

Original poster

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 07:26

It's not that I've had my children and now I'm asking someone else to look after them at all. We have moved around the country ever such a lot and the children have experienced several school moves. DS1 had 3 school changes before he was 10yrs old. We didn't want this for either of them in secondary school.... We wanted them to make lifelong friends and remain in one school for their secondary education. DS2 is just more sensitive than his older brother. He cries when his brother leaves to go back to boarding school when he's been home for the weekend or home for half term etc. DS2 decided for secondary school he'd like to be where his brother is but now he's finding he's missing us too much. So we can't win! He understands this is his school now. He told us he had moments of complete happiness but then thinks of us and gets upset and it's here that he chooses to ring home for some support and to hear our voices. We're not getting any happy phone calls yet. I would really appreciate someone to chat to who's going through similar rather than justifying why we made the decision as a family to send him. Believe me is not a decision made lightly to send them away from home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 07:29

Thank you to those who've replied with past experiences.... All useful advice thank you. We are in touch with the house master. He rang yesterday and I asked for him to ensure he only calls home once in the evening for only 15 minutes. Here we are only to discuss factual things about his day. DS is speaking to the school counselor too to learn new ways of coping. They're all rallying around him which is brilliant. I couldn't ask for more. It's just unfortunate that he's offloading all his sadness onto us during those phone calls 😕

OP posts:

flumpybear · 07/09/2018 07:47

So you're expecting him to be all sweetness with you so you feel better and discuss his feelings of sadness and abandonment with strangers?

Is your other son still there? Perhaps he can step up to the parenting role and try to help your younger son?

fishfingersandketchup · 07/09/2018 07:50

Of course he's unloading all his sadness onto you, you're his parents! Never mind how 'unfortunate' that may be for you, you are the ones he trusts and should be able to share his feelings with.

Stormzyandme · 07/09/2018 07:55

They're just like the people who say you shouldn't ever put a toddler in nursery or with a childminder because why have children when you give them to someone else to raise

2 years of nursery and having cuddles morning & night is hardly the same as sending a child to live with other people for 12 years is it?

Original poster

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 07:56

No parent wants their child to be upset. I would love to hear joy in his voice that's all. I just want him to be happy and at the moment all we are hearing is sadness in his voice. My eldest son is in very frequent contact with him, giving him hugs and chatting with him. Of course he's going to offload onto us. I understand that completely in not a robot.

OP posts:

Lofo · 07/09/2018 08:00

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 08:04

I was shocked at how much he can use his phones tbh. I thought it was just in the evening for 30 mins but apparently they can have them all day and take them to school too. Hence why he's phoning a lot and getting upset when he hears our voices.

OP posts:

OracleofShelf · 07/09/2018 08:04

Ok so if he is largely okay during the day, with times when he is quite happy, and then gets upset when he talks to you I think that's fairly normal. I would be very concerned if he wasn't happy at all. DSs school don't allow phones for the first few weeks and it seems to help, so although it seems counterintuitive asking him to call just once a day might be helpful for him. Presumably he has email? We send an email everyday, sometimes a bit of chat about what we are doing, although I make sure it all sounds very dull (not hard, to be honest) and sometimes there's no news so I send a silly meme or a joke. Might be worth a try?

fuzzyfozzy · 07/09/2018 08:07

Ask him to write down things that have made him laugh/smile during the day. Then when he calls you he can tell you good things too.

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