Boarding School blues

[Tudorrose78]

Hey, new to site......I could really do with chatting to someone else who's going through what me and my DH are going through right now. Our youngest son (11yrs) started boarding school this Wednesday and has rang several times a day demanding we pick him up. The phone call last night was the first without tears but right at the end he said please pick me up tomorrow, promise, please. How long will this last? Is there anyone else experiencing the same? My eldest son went too but he settled in like a dream and had now gone back this year to do his A-levels, despite the fact we told him after his GCSEs he could come home and study within our city. He chose to go back as he loves it there. We're at our wits end and I've aged 10 years from crying and it's only been 2 days!!

@Tudorrose78

Thank you to those who've replied with past experiences.... All useful advice thank you. We are in touch with the house master. He rang yesterday and I asked for him to ensure he only calls home once in the evening for only 15 minutes. Here we are only to discuss factual things about his day. DS is speaking to the school counselor too to learn new ways of coping. They're all rallying around him which is brilliant. I couldn't ask for more. It's just unfortunate that he's offloading all his sadness onto us during those phone calls

I can't tell you how nasty and cruel this is. You know your son is suffering, but rather than being a parent you're palming him off to a mental health specialist.

Your son will always remember this. Be in no doubt of that.

It’s not the same at all Romany

How's it going OP? It sounds like you need to have a full and frank conversation with the boarding house staff about how your son is feeling. They will have been through this many times and should be offering him and you coping strategies to help get through this difficult settling in period.

I'm assuming he's a full boarder rather than weekly like mine. Can you go and see him over the weekend? A lot of the full boarding parents were at school today as they are staying locally for a couple of weeks while the boys settle into school.

Was it his decision to board? I think is the most important thing with boarding. Both of mine had options to board or not and both chose to board. They all have wobbles of confidence from time to time (as do day students) and it's helpful go back over why the choice was made and reconsider the pros and cons as a family.

Has the after school activities programme started yet? One he gets going with a full day of pre and post school activities he will start to feel better. Keeping busy and making friends is the key to settling in.

Can you talk to the school and ask them to minimise the time that he can call you - see what they can do to involve him in extra-curricular activities and so on? What can his brother do to keep him busy - can they go for walks/play board games or whatever?

What is this idea that because a kid has good parts of the day, or was running around playing in between breaking down in tears, that means the trauma isn't real? That's what kids do. Kids who have just lost a parent through death or abandonment also have periods of being matter-of-fact about it and of playing happily with other kids. That doesn't mean that the moments when they let their grief show are 'put on', or that the sense of grief, abandonment and rejection doesn't scar them.

Begging to come home at age 11 and being told 'no'... That has got to feel like abandonment and rejection. Being told you're no longer allowed to call home for more than 15 minutes a day, and that you have to keep it 'factual' and not emotional.... That is abandonment and rejection. It's downright abusive.

That kind of rubbish is why we need a separate boarding school topic.

I have no experience of boarding either as a parent or a pupil but omg this is upsetting.
I'm not being goady, but I cannot think if one single situation where I would send a child of mine to board. Unless they begged me.
Unlikely as I doubt my 10 yr old ds has even heard of boarding.
I couldn't imagine a job when it was that disruptive that even boarding being better than moving schools but still living with their family.
My 10yr is very confident and independent. He loves to go on school residential trips and stay away the odd night from home but that is different.
I can't bear the thought of dc crying and ringing home!and school settling them!Of course boarders settle eventually. They have no choice!
It feels so unnatural to me.
As as for the poster who said her brother loved his time baording eventually,lives abroad and invited teacher to his wedding,goes to reunions sounds awful. Sounds like he formed closer bonds with strangers than his family.
Children do need to learn independence but gradually,not this way.
Nurseries and childminders are not the same.
Most parents have to go to work and have no choice to pay for some childcare for a few hours a day/week.
Choosing the type of job where you can't look after your children at all and they need sending away isn't the same.

And I do genuinely wonder what kind of career do these parents have that warrants boarding their dc?
Or is it just they have plenty of cash?if so so,can't they just pay for private day schools?
Genuine question.

I feel so sad for your son reading this. Especially when you’ve limited how much and how long he can ring home for. If that was me - not that I agree with boarding anyway- I’d be whizzing myself down there to bring him home and looking at day schools. It’s just cruel.

Noodle- completely agree with everything you’ve just said.

Hello op. This does sound really hard. I am not an old hand with lots of experience but my son has just gone boarding too. If I were in your situation I would visit this weekend and have a proper heart to heart with my son to find out why he was finding it so hard. Depending on what he said, I would make a deal with him about trying for a bit longer. Of course, if he was being excluded and bullied by his new housemates already or something equally bad, I would take him away.

The hard thing is that it seems to take about 2 terms to settle into a new school which is a long time to be miserable. Please let him poor his heart out to you on the phone if that is what he finds helpful or what he wants to do.

I hope he feels better soon.

A child should never be made to supress their feelings. Ever.

How many times do we tell our children to speak out if they are hurt/scared/bullied/upset or worse?

Dangerous game.

Ahh ignorance is bliss for you? Teach him to put on an act to protect mums happiness. That’s just so, so sad. Why can’t you stay in one place of the country with you son so that he can stay at the same school and your dh can do the moving his job entails? I presume military family. Many make it work without carting their kids off to boarding schools you know

Iused

I've no career, or job for that matter and a low income family.
So no is the answer to your question.

Pannalash

It's exactly the same, the amount of people who don't see their kids and justify it by quality time before they go to bed. At least when they board the time off is solely with you, no disappearing off to bedroom avoiding their parents.
Not that I've experienced or heard of anyway.

noodle does speak sense.

I agree with noodle too and have been in a similar place.
Please note I would never ever judge another family as for many children it really can give them stability eg through a divorce but as a child i missed my lovely family and adapted by suppressing all upset and emotion as there was no point; to my parents and all adults around me everyone would have thought how smiley and popular I was /how well settled I was.

Over the weeks I learnt to stifle my hidden crying and then it stopped altogether but the hidden trauma of it still has a distant shadow on me as an adult and all the more now I have children the age I was as it comes back.
My parents definitely meant well but as others have said it can still result in a strong feeling of abandonment you don’t even acknowledge.

I used to feel physically sick term after term on seeing the school gates and had so many friends and was so busy, and I never told anyone.
OP the important thing is please never stop him from talking to you, it would be much healthier to acknowledge his grief as very real and say ‘I am so sorry it is hard, can you thInk of anyone to talk to or anything that would make it easier - is there a way we can help you to settle and be there for you etc. ‘

Does the school offer flexi or weekly boarding? My ds1 and dd do weekly boarding and find coming home at the weekends a nice change.

No advice , just sending a hug

I have children at boarding school. They wanted to go and enjoy it. I miss them dreadfully though and if I had my time again........

'Re-opening the wounds... often will make it harder of course and he will probably settle quicker if you actually cut all contact. That is a high risk strategy though as you will feel terrible and he may have real abandonment issues in the long run.

If it was me though, I would go down there or I would have him home for a few days to talk about it. It could end up that he really doesn't want to go and I think you need to prepare for that. Boarding is vey rare now and really not for everyone. Don't force it. I totally feel for you and him. Some kids love it some don;t. It also could be an age thing.

I had to drive across the country to pick up my daughter from a PGL holiday she had begged to go on when she was 8 as she was sobbing hysterically on the phone every night. I held out for 3 nights but the third night I set off for her and I am glad that I did. 3 years later she skipped off to boarding school with barely a backward glance leaving me sobbing. I pick her up and have her home at every possible opportunity and we are still very close. I have offered to take her out of the school to come with us overseas but she prefers the rain and the hockey.

if it doesn't work this time I would bring him home. You can always try again when he is older if he still wants to go.

I don't doubt that some kids are fine boarding and like the experience but I would be deeply concerned that DS is being told not to offload his negative feelings to his parents. That's incredibly unhealthy. Children have negative feelings whether or not they let them out. If he can't offload them onto his own parents then what you're asking him to do is suppress them. This is massively unhealthy.

I also think you have to accept that while he may settle down he may not and you should be careful to distinguish grim acceptance from really enjoying himself.

My cousin boarded and hated it. He settled down after a few months and appeared to enjoy it and said he did but talks bitterly about it even now (he's almost 30). I'm in no way suggesting every boarder feels like that but you can't dismiss that many do.

I went to boarding school, and many years later I can still vividly remember the utter misery of homesickness. Of course I got used to it and coped, but there is no way on earth that I would ever contemplate sending my children. I fully accept that for some people there is no choice, but if you don't have to do it the concept of sending your child to be brought up by a load of strangers is really weird.

OP - my ds went (his choice) full boarding at age 13. He found it v hard at first (2 terms). Some minor bullying too. We were in constant contact with the housemaster who was brilliant. we offered him other schools but he decided to stay. He's now just started 6th form there.
I will get flamed for this….but he was hysterical going back several times and I had to drag him into school in tears. He has told me he cried himself to sleep sometimes.

I asked him recently if he thought we did the right thing, and he said yes. He is glad we didn't let him give up and waste a great opportunity. He said he knows now that sometimes things are shitty (!!) before they come good. If you give up at the shitty bit, you don't get to the good bit. I like that way of thinking. I don't consider him to be mentally scarred. Neither does he.
Good luck, and do what you think is best for your dc. not long till exeat.

Write him a short but supportive snail letter every day. It's not been four days yet; the school will help him settle. He has a wonderful opportunity which should not be wasted.

@11112222 - I suspect you were just lucky that it turned out for the apparent best, doesn't mean it'll always turn out that way. Dragging a child back to a bullying situation is something most people would struggle with

Please please don’t take the tactic that the school have suggested. You’re his mother. Parents should be the main emotional support in a child’s life, whether they’re physically with the child or not. YOU ultimately chose to put the child in this position so YOU should be putting their emotions and feelings way above your own.

I say this as someone who has taught in an environment where children are away from their families for long stretches of time.