Boarding School blues

[Tudorrose78]

Hey, new to site......I could really do with chatting to someone else who's going through what me and my DH are going through right now. Our youngest son (11yrs) started boarding school this Wednesday and has rang several times a day demanding we pick him up. The phone call last night was the first without tears but right at the end he said please pick me up tomorrow, promise, please. How long will this last? Is there anyone else experiencing the same? My eldest son went too but he settled in like a dream and had now gone back this year to do his A-levels, despite the fact we told him after his GCSEs he could come home and study within our city. He chose to go back as he loves it there. We're at our wits end and I've aged 10 years from crying and it's only been 2 days!!

Should add my son only part boards he's home once a weekday and every weekend , he also knows I let him board but would prefer him to be on days.
Please listen to your son as he may not be ready and may be suffering.,

We have moved our dc a fair bit and while it has positives it has costs as well so I can see a logic to boarding school. But I think you have to be able to hear and acknowledge your dc's pain and distress. We have to when we move. We choose the lives our dc have and we have to be emotionally mature enough to manage their pain when we make choices that cause them distress. This doesn't mean they are bad or wrong choices they just aren't choices without impact.
Listen to your dc as much as he wants to be heard. Acknowledge his distress and the things he finds hard. Try and ask about things that are going better, anything funny, silly, different and maybe even better.

I remember similar tearful conversations with my parents when I was staying with close family and having a lot of fun there. It is normal for your voice to remind him how much he misses you.
Bad as it sounds there is a reason to limit phone calls initially as basically they can be a source of misery but keep in very close contact by text and email and as others say don't ignore how he feels in them but ask him what moments he is happy during a day and what makes him feel awful. Homesickness is like seasickness, it just engulfs you and you just want it to stop. That is how your DS feels like now but it does n't mean that it will continue and that he won't end up having a lot of fun there. Tell him that and tell him to keep really busy. Keep close contact also with houseparents. Finally for you, expect to be miserable when he is and look forward to being together again for his first week-end home.

Zodlebud like others talks a lot of sense. There is also a lot of rubbish about how permanently damaging initial homesickness is.
My DS had intermittent homesickness at the start of his boarding (age 10/11) when his surroundings were new, he was not completely comfortable with other boys and he was tired or at a loose end. Despite this he has extremely fond memories of his first school, particularly the sociability and sense of independence.
We re-evaluated the rightness of the decision for boarding regularly all together. He really wanted to board for senior school and has got so much from it. He is certainly not emotionally scarred and is somebody who will want to talk through his day and keep close communication. Of course we like that too so it is a win win. Other DCs choose very intermittent contact and that is very normal teenage behaviour as life with friends takes precedence over parents.

I’m very anti boarding schools apart from in a very few specific circumstances, however I’m not going to pile in telling you what an awful parent you are because like the rest of us you are doing what you think is best for your child
IF you think that The homesickness is an initial blip then work with the school to see if you can work through it and then review at half term BUT please also be open to the idea that unlike your other son he is better off at home with you

Why bother having kids if you're just going to pack them away during their formative years?

My only experience of this is my little brother. My mum still talks about how he would call every single day sobbing. He was 11 too.
I’m not sure how long it took, but it clicked and he made some amazing friendships. He is now late twenties, lives in the states and comes home every year to go to the school reunion. He says that the school and the relationships are the best thing in his life. A teacher even went to his wedding.
He laughs now about the tears (my mum certainly doesn’t!) and is glad he stuck it out.
Good luck!

Wow. You expect a bunch of strangers to support you but you’re not able to support your son when he’s distressed. Your solution is to ask the housemaster to ensure your son only calls home once an evening for 15 mins

I understand why you’ve sent him to boarding school and it was the right thing for your eldest child but it doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for your youngest.

And I’ve just read your 1st post again. You are asking to chat to someone who is going through what you and dh are going through. What about what your son is going through?

This isn’t a comment about boarding schools I don’t know whether I think they are good or not. I’ve had friends who went to them some had a great time, others hated it.

But you son is upset and you are making this all about you. That’s why you’ve got some criticism

I have to say.. I only want to hear da tial about your day sounds like you've kinda cut him loose. He's 11 and his whole world has changed. I think you need to listen to what he us telling you. You need to prompt for the good as well.. Did you do sports art music whatever he is into.. How was that. What mad things go on after lights put.. Try and make him laugh.. But listen to the sadness. What is he telling you... No. Friends.. Advise him. On making friends, duesnt like the food, send him food parcels. You can't just say I don't want to hear it.

Factual

You lost me OP when you posted about the arrangements that meant you would restrict his access to you and mot talk about his feelings of sadness and unhapiness.

Seriously?? Give yoyrself a bloody good shake. If your answer is well that was the advice of the school ask yourself about entrusting these people with your boy's emotional wellbeing.

You don't seem very able or willing to really empathise with him. Don't you think that might well feel like being punished for being unhappy and talking about it?

I feel very very sorry for him and increasingly shocked by your attitude.

And people wonder why some men are stunted emotional adults!

It’s early day so and they take a while to settle sometimes but end up fine. That settling can take a fortnight or a term - you have to decide how long is acceptable. Speak to housemaster about norms and what he’s like the rest of the time.
We were on brink of pulling our daughter out after ten days when her housemistress rang us to simply say “ We’ve seen a sparkle tonight”. We knew it would work out then.

She had a friend who cried every day for a term. She stayed and remembers nothing but happy days at school.
Reassure him but don’t let him pick up your stress. Are they home at weekends? Plan nice things and a meal near school for journey back.
Invite a friend back.
I’m surprised he can phone as often and he isn’t too busy to ring, ours had a full on timetable until about 10 pm even in sixth form. Part of the tears may well be tiredness.

Dd goes to a vocational school. Whilst some homesickness is to be expected there are each year some children for whom boarding is intolerable. We’ve seen many come & go over the last 5 years. One girl didn’t last til half term.

Don’t cut contact. Speak to him. Try & encourage him to give it a few weeks but if he’s still unhappy go get him.

When we were having horrendous problems with ds’s day school a couple of years ago we looked into sending him to Dds school on a different specialism. It would not have worked. His personality is different. He needs Home. (He is considering 6th form though).

2 of mine boarded, one a lot younger than 11 getting the goady fucker no experience trope out of the way
No comment on boarding at that age, or indeed in general but you really need to have a good think about your relationship with him and his emotional well-being. You’ve told him to suppress his emotions.
You’re minimising his unhappiness and assuming he’s only unhappy when offloading on you. And your posts are focusing on your feelings, not his.

OP I get it. It's not that he's not allowed to say 'I missed you a bit when we were on a break' etc but crying histrionic phone calls through the day at any point when they are able to dwell on 'not being home' is good for nobody. It doesn't let them give it a chance to get better or to find distractions as they're always giving in to the misery rather than finding something fun to do. If he was sitting in lessons staring out the window, not eating at mealtimes and not joining in then I'd be concerned but if it is just that because he has a phone he's able to access his parents whenever he has a wobbly moment then I do get the point of limiting it so he knows he's got to learn some resilience to start with and if it's really not for him then he will be able to come home.

If he came home, he'd still cry when his brother went away. He'd still be put in more and more situations where he would have to develop resilience like moving schools etc and making new friends. I wonder actually if he came home, if he would regret it after a while.

I say this as the homesickest child ever who went off to uni and had to give herself a good talking to- one of my mates went home every weekend and cried from homesickness every day and we were 18! Didn't mean she didn't want to be there or anything horrible was happening to her, she just needed to work through dealing with not seeing mum and dad every day.

Etino, I think there’s a difference between suppressing your emotions and containing them. Weeping and wailing is rarely constructive. Understanding the emotions and learning to cope with them builds resilience and an ability to cope with life’s problems.
Homesickness is normal initially and most children learn to manage it and come out smiling. Rushing in with hugs and a return home at first hiccup isn’t necessarily in the child’s best, long term interest.
Nobody is suggesting homesickness shouldn’t be acknowledged but the way to manage it probably is to put on a brave face, make friends, take part in activities and learn that you have the internal resources to cope. Bringing him home immediately teaches him he’s failed, that he can’t manage what others do and that he’s weak emotionally. Whilst that might be the maternal instinct that’s not necessarily the best thing to do.

With all due respect, I think the 15-minute matter-of-fact call per day is not the best strategy. He does need to get his feelings out, and you need to try and turn that emotion round to something more positive. Do you send him random texts with 'love you' messages and heart emojis! It's a sort of distance love bombing!
It's absolutely normal that when a young person is in the process of getting used to something new they will need more emotional support from you, and as long as they're in the right setting (for them), that need will tail off a bit as they find a solid basis with new friends.

DD1 is 20 and has just started living in a very different non-European culture as an exchange student. She's found the first few weeks very tough going and we often WhatsApped with her for an hour a day or more. Now she's made friends and joined clubs, it's more like 10 minutes every few days. Soon enough we'll be lucky to hear from her once a week, which is a great sign! But that independence is only possible because we gave her the emotional support to start with. And think how much more an 11yo needs that support from you!

This thread makes me feel so sad. I wonder what sort of relationship you will have with him as an adult. Will you want to hear then when he’s upset about something going on in his life then, or will you not-because frankly, it upsets you too much?

I hope he will have someone to talk to.

My dd is a day girl at a predominantly boarding school so I can see how happy a lot of the girls are there. I really don't have anything against boarding particularly if you work abroad or move around a lot.

But the bit about the phone call just discussing factual stuff made me 😥 that sounds awful OP and unhealthy. The phone thing also sounds silly, dd is only allowed her phone when she gets back to house after lessons.

@CherryPavlova
“Weeping and wailing is rarely constructive. Understanding the emotions and learning to cope with them builds resilience and an ability to cope with life’s problems.”
At 11? And not expressing his feelings because he’s been told not to rather than via distraction or helping him understand them or given an alternative outlet for them?

I would say 11 is too young if you have any sort of choice. 13 is better.

orange

Unless you don't use childcare or schools i.e the same applies to you, my love. Why bother.
Schools, pre school/ nursery, wraparound care aren't compulsory either, parents choose to outsource caring responsibilities too.

Is your other son at the same school? If so could you ask that they spend some time together? Limiting phone calls is definitely a good idea. Back in the day they used to ban phonecalls for the first three weeks because they would often upset the children and make settling in harder. Maybe start phoning every other day next week. It's hard because 11 is quite young, especially if he is sensitive but most children settle fairly quickly.