Boarding School blues

[Tudorrose78]

Hey, new to site......I could really do with chatting to someone else who's going through what me and my DH are going through right now. Our youngest son (11yrs) started boarding school this Wednesday and has rang several times a day demanding we pick him up. The phone call last night was the first without tears but right at the end he said please pick me up tomorrow, promise, please. How long will this last? Is there anyone else experiencing the same? My eldest son went too but he settled in like a dream and had now gone back this year to do his A-levels, despite the fact we told him after his GCSEs he could come home and study within our city. He chose to go back as he loves it there. We're at our wits end and I've aged 10 years from crying and it's only been 2 days!!

I probably would have killed myself or had a complete breakdown without my mum removing me from a school when I was younger. I had won a scholarship to a very prestigious independent school (I came from a very poor, low income background) and within a few weeks of starting I was utterly depressed. It was a day school not boarding but I hated everything about it, the attitude was to mark down to make people work harder rather than give praise and I was bullied for my background etc. Just horrendous. I persevered for a while but everyday I was coming home in tears and was very close to having a proper breakdown. My mum was very supportive and took me out of the school. I then had 8 months off with stress and depression and then started a new school in the following September. (I went on to obtain top grade GCSEs). I think parents really need to listen to what their children are telling them and showing them.

One of my children boards - he has just started his second year.

I would say that, like with any school, some just aren't the right set up for the individual child. This is something I bear in mind all the time with all schools..having a terrible time at any school can be damaging even if it is a local state primary, day school, etc

Having said that the emotional impact of boarding has been hard for us as a family. My son loves his school and has made lots of friends etc.. He says he doesn't get homesick at all - so happy and busy we never get calls from him - however we have had a couple of meltdowns after the long summer holiday and Christmas holiday.

He says that it's hard to leave home but when he is there he is fine. We did explore all options but ultimately every one of them is a compromise and has an element of pain attached with it - om balance is whatever pain you can love with as a family.

My advice would be to pick your son up for a weekend to understand why he is feeling that way. You need to work out whether it just him coming to grips with change or whether he hates the school/ is getting bullied.

As an example, in his previous school my son used to cry and complain most days after school with tales of incidents and I lose count of howany time I had to step in... At his new school there has been none.

For what its worth I would not follow the school advice but I would see my son face to face to understand the situation better. If he is being bullied or has other issues, he will feel terrible. Let us know how you get on, I know it's hard.

I begged my parents to let me leave as I hated boarding so much. They never let me though. I was there for seven years. I wouldn't have looked unhappy all the time but I was.

I really loved my parents (they're dead now) and they really loved me. I came from a very poor background and won a scholarship. To them it was like a miracle so they didn't want me to give up on my chance.

I don't think I've ever really recovered. I just learnt that there was no point in telling anyone how I felt so I just kept everything inside. I still do that now. It's a habit that's so ingrained i can't seem to break it. That's why I can't have a healthy relationship because I can't tell anyone how I feel. I had some terrible relationships in my twenties because I just wanted someone to want me and it didn't matter if they were kind or nice or anything.

I don't look back on my school days with any kind of fondness. In fact I don't look back on them at all. I try never to think about them and have pretty much put them in a box in my mind which I try never to open. My life runs up to eleven and then starts again at eighteen. Seven years of my life, lost.

I left with an eating disorder and now have anxiety and depression. My children are now in secondary and I am so glad that they can come home and talk to me about their day. Especially if they've had a tough one.

My mum apologised to me before she died and said she wished she'd let me come home when I asked. I think it was one of her biggest regrets.

He is very young to board termly op. I don't think you can be that surprised that he is finding it really hard. Most children find it incredibly hard even in year nine.

Your expectation of wanting to hear 'joy' in his voice in my view is wholly unrealistic. The first few terms are hellish.

I would give it to the half term and switch him to a prep day school pref with flexi boarding and consider again in year nine.

11112222 I suspect your child is telling you want you want to hear, and has learnt to keep the pain to himself (as he has been taught to do)

There is no way given the amount of times he was hysterical that reflects on this as a positive experience in his life, and he can't be under any illusion that you would be his saviour.

I would thank my lucky stars your son is still on speaking terms, but I wouldn't count on it lasting, he will become an adult one day and you will be held accountable for your cruel actions and decisions.

There is no school in the world that is worth inflicting that level of pain on your own child.

I've only read the OP.

It is relatively normal for DC to phone home a lot in the first month or so of boarding (even when they've gone back to their existing school after holidays, especially longer ones like summer). Part of the 'problem' can be that they have access to their mobile phones from after school (3.30pm ish) until bedtime (10.30pm ish) which is a lot of time when they aren't yet into a routine, don't have friends who they can just idle away the time chatting to, may not have much homework yet, and extracurricular activities aren't yet up and running. The free time can lead to boredom and the phone means that they feel like phoning home.

So that's all quite expected.

However, with your son sobbing and begging to be collected I would be worried (I'm a secondary teacher, in a school with boarders, but I've never been a houseparent) about bullying or something going on that has frightened your son. Can you ask him to explain exactly why he wants you to come?

Have you contacted a houseparent to ask how they think your DS is getting on?

Could you ask a houseparent's advice on whether it would be wise for you to visit for an afternoon (if that's possible) ? I would imagine they would say it's not advisable, but I think it is worth speaking to them, as they can see all of the new boarders and have lots of experience of what is 'normal' in this early phase.

I wonder if OP has gone awol because she is picking her son up or because she doesn't want to hear when people tell her what she doesn't want to hear.
It's a shame to miss out on seeing your children every day. Sometimes can't be helped.
Before you know they are grown ups. I'm personally not in favour of boarding schools as I don't want to be away from our son.
I've never had anybody telling me how amazing it was.
I have a feeling that boy will have to put up and shut up about his unhappiness as it's upsetting his mother.

Is your dc at a full boarding school? I assume if he started at 11 he is at a school that is a mix of day pupils, weekly boarders and full boarders. In a scenario like this, he will be confronted with lots of parents picking up, watching matches, dropping of, hugging and kissing their dc. How far do you live from the school? Could you come and visit often, at least until he is more settled? One school of thought is to push them into the deep end and let them swim or sink, without any or minimal contact. But many boarding schools now let parents play an active part, let them have dinner with their dc midweek after games or after performances, join in with chapel on Sunday etc. Could he not board somewhere near home?

I have a friend who was at a very high ranking boys boarding school. He begged and begged to.cime home. His parents never gave in. He was being forced to have sex with older boys but was too ashamed to say anything.

I am NOT SAYING this is what's happening here... but he never forgave his parents even though they had no idea what was going on.

Hope things settle down soon Tudor. I have read the thread and understand that you are doing the best for your son and need support not condemnation.

I think Tudors son needs more support. He’s 11.

I was a boarder and loved it! I'm not aware of any children who were not sad before, during or after calling home in the early weeks but we (the boarders) generally were very very happy to be boarding. I feel it made me closer to my parents during the teenage years. We actually looked forward to the weekly phone calls and chatted for quite a long time. We rarely argued and never 'fell out' over anything. The day pupils seemed to be in almost constant tension with their parents.

Totally cont generalise as every child and school is different. But I know from first hand experience that the ones who cry on the phone aren't necessarily unhappy to be boarders. Many times the child really perks up after a good cry on the phone.

Talk to the housemaster and get a fuller picture. I think I would do a quick visit though. 🙂

You know your child best, good luck, I hope he enjoys it once he's settled in, it can be a fantastic experience. 💐

We're not getting any happy phone calls yet.

Several have proper homesickness BUT it hits at the times they are not busy

This ^

However much he enjoys himself, as soon as he thinks of you he will remember and be homesick. It's an adjustment. Only now that I am an adult do I realise that I only ever contact my mother when I was feeling a bit down. Anytime I was enjoying myself I was too busy to call. (I'm sorry now but that is how it works)

First few days in Uni halls there was an absolute divide between those of us who had been away to school saying wheeeee our own rooms and no rules, and those straight from home who were homesick.

Give it a year. Oh and watch how he feels when leaning, too.

I'm always sceptical about people who claim that their children love school, whether it's day or boarding. IME the children themselves never say that.

I just want him to be happy

But he's not happy

And this is NOT about what you want

It depends on the child. It could be as long as six months.

Did the OP ever come back?

You've been crying for days? Cruel and hard ....this is about him not you ..you've asked the house master to not allow him to call for more then 15 minutes...have you thought for one second this may not be what is best for your son...this has to be a wind up....no one is this cruel.

Fast forward 50 years ,the op is unhappy in her nursing home,the staff are rushed and uncaring ,she's being changed by male carers ,she feels scared ,she's not eating...the ops son says no ,it's the best one we've can afford ,your staying here ,..he won't listen ,because he was never listened to ..because the adult always knows best ,and now he's the adult in charge,..karma ,what goes around ,comes around.

his has to be a wind up....no one is this cruel

Yes, I hope you are right.

Veganfortheanimals, ridiculous comparison.

Hhhmmm I don't know @Cobblersandhogwash ... @Veganfortheanimals has a bit of a point here! What goes around comes around!

I Still scarred my a tales of the unexpected episode Ronald Dahl wrote about a young child at boarding school and what traumas he dealt with .... due to his own stupid father

Whatever. The child isn't being maltreated by those at the boarding school.

And I'm afraid the world just isn't as neat as that. What goes around really doesn't come around.

There are several ridiculous overly dramatic comparisons that just don't work on this thread.

No actually, going to boarding school in 2018 at secondary school age is not anything like grieving for a dead parent or being an elderly person that is mistreated in a nursing home.

But don't let reality hold you back.

To the pp who asked what kind of career means that children have more stability if the board, the answer is often that one or both parents are in the military and move house every two years or more.
However, my friend who is himself military was sent to boarding school at the age of SEVEN! He is a brilliant and highly respected soldier but is unable to form any meaningful attachments and is almost incapable of empathy or sympathy. It's all about having a stiff upper lip and not complaining and " dry your eyes Princess!". It's what he learned at a very early age