Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Education

Join the discussion on our Education forum.

Boarding School blues

132 replies

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 06:27

Hey, new to site......I could really do with chatting to someone else who's going through what me and my DH are going through right now. Our youngest son (11yrs) started boarding school this Wednesday and has rang several times a day demanding we pick him up. The phone call last night was the first without tears but right at the end he said please pick me up tomorrow, promise, please. How long will this last? Is there anyone else experiencing the same? My eldest son went too but he settled in like a dream and had now gone back this year to do his A-levels, despite the fact we told him after his GCSEs he could come home and study within our city. He chose to go back as he loves it there. We're at our wits end and I've aged 10 years from crying and it's only been 2 days!!

OP posts:
LesLavandes · 07/09/2018 08:14

The school should be distracting the nee boys and keeping them very busy. It isn't usual for new boys to have their phones except for a short time in evenings. Talk to matron. She will keep an eye on him

chocatoo · 07/09/2018 08:17

So you have restricted his only source of contact with you to 15 minutes once a day, he is only to discuss factual matters, not offload and you would love to hear joy in his voice?
Have you listened to yourself?

Tudorrose78 · 07/09/2018 08:22

Wow. New to this whole forum thing and asking for advice and people are so poisonous. Mumsnet is not quite the support net of mums I thought it would be.

OP posts:
Gersemi · 07/09/2018 08:23

I asked for him to ensure he only calls home once in the evening for only 15 minutes. Here we are only to discuss factual things about his day.

Seriously? You've asked someone else to tell him that he's not allowed to tell you how he's feeling? Have you thought about how that's going to come over to your son?

Lofo · 07/09/2018 08:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DailyMailcanfuckthefuckoff · 07/09/2018 08:29

Boarding school was a horrific experience. I was bullied every single day by multiple people - that I had to live with, sometimes in the same bedroom - for years, and this has had a lasting impact on my mental health well into adulthood. I will never forgive my parents for brushing off my concerns, when I repeatedly told them how bad it was and how much I dreaded the end of the school holidays.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 07/09/2018 08:32

So you're expecting him to be all sweetness with you so you feel better and discuss his feelings of sadness and abandonment with strangers?

I have to say this is my thought too.
Bless him. Please if he can't come home, allow him to be himself and talk about what he wants to. Your role is to reassure him, not shut him down.

Mmer · 07/09/2018 08:59

Bring him home. This must be heart-wrenching for him.

Anythingforacatslife · 07/09/2018 09:11

My ds boards at a vocational school so I’m not being a GF or cruel or poisonous here. Go and get him. It was the one thing we agreed when ds went, that he could ask at any time to come home and we would do it. It absolutely breaks my heart that he talks now about how he cried every night when he first went because he missed us so much, but he wanted to stay so much that he never asked to come home. If your ds is begging to come home then he doesn’t want to be there. And restricting access to phones is not considered good practice these days, the children should be encouraged to speak to their parents as much as they want to.

chocatoo · 07/09/2018 17:28

Actually I think that people have been fairly gentle with their responses OP.

LoafEater · 07/09/2018 17:34

The poor child.

Ginnotgym · 07/09/2018 17:36

No advice but I feel for you - we're all winging this parenting thing and you clearly did what you thought was best for him in sending him to this school.

Really hope it all works out soon.

TonTonMacoute · 07/09/2018 17:41

OP, I’m afraid this always happens on these threads. You really do just have to ignore the negative comments and not engage. They are only strangers on the web, when all’s said and done.

My son full boarded for six years with no problems. It is certainly true that boarding is not right for every child, and some should not board. I also know of cases where the only time that they were really unhappy is when they were on the phone home, and they soon settled and were fine.

You should make it clear to him that you will take his concerns seriously but that in return he must give boarding a proper try. A couple of days is not long enough. Perhaps reduce the phone calls home, and stay in touch with the school pastoral team. They should be able to help you navigate this difficult time.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you all, whatever happens.

RomanyRoots · 07/09/2018 17:43

Tudor

my dd boards and whilst she settled like a dream she tells me stories every year without fail of new students who are home sick.
There's one now and she is helping her a lot.

have you spoken to head of House and asked their opinion. This should be your first port of call and ask what they are /can do to help him.

They are allowed their phones all the time at dd school as they need it for a live streamed time table, maybe yours has the same.
It's surprising how much they don't use them when they are allowed all the time.
They can't have them out in lesson, that's the only rule.

Newsofas · 07/09/2018 17:43

Very sad. My son is 13 and I can’t imagine the pain he and I would feel if he boarded. Do you and your husband both have to move. Could you live in a fixed location. My dad worked away for weeks and months but my mum stayed to look after us.

RomanyRoots · 07/09/2018 18:12

OP, please don't restrict his contact with you.
Speak to him and find out what the problem is, he's probably fine during the day.
Or, boarding might not suit him, it isn't for everyone, and no amount of visits can prepare you for how you'll feel when your parents have gone home.
Staff should be arranging some buddies and extra activities whilst they all settle, but then it can take a couple of weeks like any new school.

This time of year always reminds me of that song "Hello Mother, Hello Father'', the one that ends "Please disregard this letter".

Zodlebud · 07/09/2018 23:05

Sending your child to boarding school is a very personal family decision and not one that is taken lightly. OP, ignore all these people slating you for doing what you feel is the right decision.

No experience of boarding myself but I do work at summer camps in the USA (yes I know, most people do this at university not in middle age!!!!). The kids attend for 7 weeks and are allowed just three phone calls home and one visit over the whole summer. The restriction on Home contact is designed to minimise homesickness and I must admit horrified me initially. But it works.

Most new campers have at least one wobble. Several have proper homesickness BUT it hits at the times they are not busy (mealtimes, bedtime etc). On the whole the rest of the time these children are beaming from ear to ear, genuinely happy and having an amazing time.

There are, however, one or two each year (out of 600) for whom it doesn’t ease. They are watched like hawks and trigger points observed and noted with a plan put in place to keep them busy. Parents are kept up to date twice a day. We give it two weeks and if there’s no improvement then they can have a call home. Sometimes they go home for a weekend which sometimes helps, sometimes doesn’t. Some children are just not cut out for it but it takes time to assess whether or not it’s something that can be overcome or whether they should return home and give it another bash in a year or two time.

I am surprised that in the circumstances your son is allowed so much contact without some sort of “support” from the school. If he is that homesick then why have you been left to contact them as opposed to them getting in touch with you?

Either he is not as homesick as he is making out OR hiding it extremely well OR these are issues with their pastoral care OR a combination of all of the above.

It honestly breaks my heart when I see 7 year olds in tears begging to go home but in the same day I have seen them spend ten hours having so much fun (genuine smiles, laughs and good times). I know it’s my job to work through it with them and they are the ones crying because they don’t want to leave at the end of summer.

I guess what I am saying is there doesn’t seem to be that great a team effort here to support your son. Get that in place, give it a couple of weeks and then reassess.

Start thinking about a plan B though. A couple of months of being miserable won’t scar him for life. A couple of years will. Be prepared for it not working but be mindful there are only a few children for whom it doesn’t work. Boarding today is a very different experience from days of Old.

Thinkingallowed85 · 07/09/2018 23:09

I was that child. I had a huge scholarship and full bursary. It was a brilliant school. The local state one was rubbish. My parents still picked me up. I’m so glad they did. I have a very good life. Please go and get him. It can’t be worth this.

user764329056 · 07/09/2018 23:20

Poor kid, I work in mental health and the ratio of adults who I see who had a boarding school experience shocked me when I first started this work, without exception they have abandonment issues, so bloody sad

Holidayshopping · 07/09/2018 23:26

I asked for him to ensure he only calls home once in the evening for only 15 minutes. Here we are only to discuss factual things about his day.

Words fail me. I hope your son manages to turn out not to be utterly emotionally scarred from this experience.

Still, as long as he doesn’t upset you in his 15 minutes allocated slot, that’s fine.

flumpybear · 07/09/2018 23:37

@user764329056 - goodness that's very telling - how sad Sad

MrsChollySawcutt · 07/09/2018 23:44

Hi OP,

I'm also a parent to boarders. My DD has been Boarding since Y7 and is now in Y11. My DS just started this week as he is now in Y7. Mine are weekly boarders so I will be picking them up tomorrow lunchtime.

I've found it hard this week, the house is just so quiet! DS is not allowed his mobile phone for the first two weeks so the boys mix and get to know each other rather than sit glued to their phones. It does help them to settle in more easily if they are kept really busy and don't have the ability to call for too long. I've had a short call from DS from the house office phone and a quick hello today via his big sisters phone.

Having an older sibling at school will be a big help to your son. My DD is keeping a watchful eye over DS and is reporting back to me. So far he seems to be doing really well and enjoying everything but I know he will have a few wobbles along the way.

Keep positive and keep supporting him. Ignore the boarding bashers they appear on every boarding thread.

BareBum · 08/09/2018 00:42

You’re doing all the right things to help him settle, and he WILL settle. It could take till Christmas but it will happen.
However, is the misery in the meantime worth it for him?

Timeisslippingaway · 08/09/2018 00:57

So you have packed him off to boarding school so you don't have to feel guilty about moving him around all the time, he's having a bloody miserable time bit you would rather not hear about that so you have made sure that someone restricts the amount of time he can talk to you a day aswell! I can not describe how sad I feel for all the children having to put up with parents like this. Have you heard yourselves, "Just ignore the goady posts", "these threads are derailed all the time", ever stop and wonder why?
No need for children to be shipped off to boarding school of its not what they want when there are plenty of public and private schools all over the place. Obviously some people make their choice of their career over their children, it's heart breaking. Yes he eventually will settle in, because he knows he has no other choice, no one is coming back for him. You ignore a crying baby long enough it stops crying!

Letitgo2018 · 08/09/2018 01:47

Hi - my son boards buts it's been his choice and I've tried to persuade him back to days but he won't. He's 16 nearly 17 though. He started boarding in year 10 and it was his choice as I was working out of area but family could have picked him up.
I don't want to be judgemental but if you feel bad, and he feels bad, something is wrong. .
Yiu need to change the situation - let him go to days until he's older or change school . Or find out what the problem is. I hate to say this but child a use is a reality as I'd bullying so FIND OUT WHATS WRONG