Sacrifices for private education

[Jessikita]

I’m in a quandary. I recognise it’s considered a first world problem but this is the situation I’m in.

There’s a local independent day school near to us. It’s unique that it offers wrap around care (including all meals) all inclusive of the price.

Therefore it doesn’t actually work out any more expensive than paying for full time nursery.

I’d really like my daughter to go. The class limit is 12 to a teacher and a TA and the standard of education is just so much better.

My dilemma is we wanted to move house within the next 5/6 years so that will put a stop to that. (We live in a deprived area) And will also mean maybe one UK holiday a year as opposed to going abroad. (We have focussed on travelling rather than saving to move)

Shall I value her education above all other oppprtunities? Or shall I send her to the local primary that’s rated good?

Please don’t tell me off or say I should be grateful for affording even one UK holiday as everything is relative to the situation you’re in.

Thanks

My parents gave me private education. I never asked for it or wanted it and as soon as I could (6th form) I transferred to state. I know they felt they were doing the best for me but it doesn’t guarantee your DC doing well or thanking you for it.

"DD said earlier: "We don't do anything, do we?" No, we don't. Because of school fees."
Blimey. Why are you so scared of the schools 93% of the population go to?

Why should they appreciate it?

You don't privately educate your children to get appreciation afterwards!

I have seen nothing on here that persuades me a private education is better.

Living with the bare bones of a kitchen so your kids can go private is madness. What do people think state schools are like?!!

OP send her state.

I would also add that to chuldren school is just school or at least I should be.

I know some children who've had a lot of pressure piled on them and their parents have let them know they are making sacrifieces to send them. That's not fair.

MillicentF, I think the answer to that might depend on the state provision where you/we live.

My response would be the same to Dermymc, too. You can live without a proper bathroom and holidays. You can't live without a decent education.

I went to a small private school, similar class sizes. There are great things about that education that I wish I could give my DC - access to sports and an expectation that everyone would take part, the pastoral care was high, arts and opportunities etc - but as a teenager the class sizes and cliquey-ness was extremely oppressive. If you weren't part of the cool crowd at 13 you never would be. Very hard to "find your tribe" if there's little turnover or chance to meet new people. I left for A levels and went to a state sixth form college.

We've thought a little about the idea of local small-ish private for DC. I would love to give them the range of opportunities on offer and I worry that my DC1 who is bright is not getting stretched like they might. But realistically, it is as OhtheRoses says. You either have £15K+ 'spare' per year or you do not. And we have DC2 to consider. So that's £30K+ per year. No amount of scrimping or belt tightening will make that affordable.

Even if we could, it wouldn't be just the loss of foreign holidays or new things (though absolutely those wouldn't feature). It would be less money in the pension for old age, and paying the mortgage for longer etc.

I'm afraid that it really is the case that we must prioritise our old age provision above our DC's education - the state system is there and they'll do fine, I know.

Your position may be different, OP - the ongoing fees might be more affordable for you. But with 2 DC to put through from 4-18, that is an awful lot of money, so you need to be sure it is real benefit you're seeing.

In your situation, fwiw, I would go state village school for primary years, save up and see if you can move house, and then reassess for secondary.

BTW, I don't expect any of my DC to thank me for it. However, I hope I am giving them the opportunity to do whatever they want when they are older (even if they want to do sod all).

I don't have a pension either. I'll shut up now!

My child in a comprehensive school gained 4A*, 8A and 2B last year. She wasn't exceptional in her year either. I'm pretty sure she's getting a "decent" education. She also has a large crowd of very agreeable friends and is maturing into a pretty marvellous young woman. There is no way at all that her private educated acquaintances are in any way superior to her.

You have made no provision to support yourself for potentially 20-30 years of life.

Just how bad is your local state offering? is it one of the ones where they have drug/knife/gang problems

You can live without a proper bathroom and holidays. You can't live without a decent education

Besides the fact you can live without a decent education (might not be the life you’d want for your kids but a life nonetheless) you don’t have to live in a hovel to pay private school fees to get such an education

This site is weird. Or is it really a choice for most people between a shit state school and nice house/holidays and living in penury to afford private school and I and all my friends and family just live in a bubble where you can have a nice house, holidays etc and a good state education?

I think I would try state first, my DS1 is in year 1 in a village school and has a wonderful time so far. Lots of interesting extras - modelling (clay) day, performing in nativity (everyone has a role), yoga.

Although I think teachers are getting a raw deal, I do think the standard expected in state schools are higher than ever.

Grasspigeons, yes it is.

BakedBeans47, it would be nice to live in the bubble you describe.

Nobody is perfect, and nobody's choices are perfect. Everyone is compromised to some degree and is muddling along in the way that they think is best for their DC, which is what the OP will do too.

Athena - Some schools do look awful and I wouldn't let my child in them either. Perhaps when they leave you can spend a few years preparing for your future.

Its so hard when someone asks a question like this as actually the state offering varies wildly and peoples ability to move to an area with better schools varies hugely too. And one persons inadequate housing is someone's else's really lovely flat

Grasspigeons... completely agree. One thing I have gradually realised over 18 years of having children, being divorced, going from relative wealth to sod all, etc, etc, is that we are all really just trying to do the best for our DC. For some of us, that means paying more for a house and moving to an area with good state schools. For others, it means paying for independent (I am among these, and I count myself lucky as I at least have the choice between house and school). For the most unfortunate, it means having a virtually uninhabitable house and a shit school as well. The fortunate minority are able to buy a gorgeous house in a superb catchment area, with the value of said house going up daily while your DC get a fantastic education for free. All these are equally valid, though, and we shouldn't get at one another for whatever we end up doing. We really are just all trying to do whatever we can for our children. For me, independent schools are more important than a habitable house. I am very fortunate that I at least get to have one of these things.. Though it would be lovely to have a habitable house and a great school too!

OP I would also be careful to ensure that a "small" school is financially viable, and not likely to close if the headmaster leaves.

And from my experience of young people who have gone through local private schools (towards the very top of national league tables), they would have ended up with similar results in the state system. But some different experiences, it depends what you want for them.

(Oh and the parents drive large 4x4s, own yachts etc on the whole.)

Just chipping in. You can possibly tell from my username where one of my DC is at school. I am sure there are many boys there whose parents have 4x4s, own yachts (or entire countries) etc. My DS has stuff all, in line with the rest of our family. But you wouldn't know who has what. The boys' own hierarchy seems to have more to do with who is best at whatever (sport, English, Music, anything at all), than with who possesses what. Eton is, weirdly, far more egalitarian than my other DC's local day schools.

"I hope I am giving them the opportunity to do whatever they want when they are older"
GCSEs and A levels. Just like state school. They don't do different exams, you know!

These people on MN who think all you need to do is live off beans and give up holidays to afford private education make me . Our local private schools are all around £6k per term. That's £36k per year for 2 children which is roughly £50k before tax. I certainly don't spend that on holidays every year.

TBH OP, its very difficult. There are pros and cons. I would look at all local schools including state and then decide. If I were you I would probably try the state as it does seem whilst the money is there it will require sacrifice.It could be your child will excel in state. I have one child who is doing very well in state and another whom I think would have benefitted from private. We might have been able to stretch to one in private but not both and I wouldn't have felt happy sending one but not the other.

I'd sort your own pension out first. That's more important than private education.

But depending on the school,
For a good one I do believe it's worth sacrifices.

My dad always said they sent me to private because an education is the one thing no one can take away from you.

I find it bizarre when people say private school doesn’t allow you a rounded education, and the biggest draw back is not meeting people from all walks of life.
I went to a private school and instead of just meeting people from the local town. I met people from all over the world, a vast array of cultures, backgrounds and different classes.... some mega rich, some had bursaries and were dirt poor.
Regarding your dilemma It was the extra curricular stuff that wins it for me Op- as a junior I was learning French at 7, in a proper science lab at 8, learnt tennis/hockey at 8 (with proper facilities and coaches).... in senior school most have duke of Edinburgh/ccf and go on global sports tours/undertake charity abroad. Also the sport is taken more seriously (I’m sports obsessed). Something like over 40% of our Olympic team went to private school (when 7% if the general pop do).
Lastly, the alumni is a handy group of people to know... mums and dads were ceos and international business leaders, many of my friends went on to great Uni’s, very good careers and it’s handy to tap into the network.
In contrast my DH went to the local comp and it’s something he has missed out on.

We make sacrifices to pay for DS to go privately, as do most families at his school. For our family it is worth it.

I think in your situation I would take the private route. You don't know what's round the corner in four years' time but do know it is most likely the best option for the next four years. Maybe use these next four years to plan a job/move to a better area so that your dd can move house and school concurrently and go to a state secondary in a better area? It's not easy making all these life choices for someone else, is it? We are trying to decide whether to send our dd into school a year early or not; there's a three month cross over where we are, so she could be the youngest and maybe be challenged a little more, or the eldest and undoubtedly well ahead for a few years, but maybe bored. I feel like flipping a coin sometimes, it seems impossible to read the outcomes.

No, you do not “make sacrifices”.You choose to spend your money on private education rather than something else. That is a choice, not a sacrifice.