Sacrifices for private education

[Jessikita]

I’m in a quandary. I recognise it’s considered a first world problem but this is the situation I’m in.

There’s a local independent day school near to us. It’s unique that it offers wrap around care (including all meals) all inclusive of the price.

Therefore it doesn’t actually work out any more expensive than paying for full time nursery.

I’d really like my daughter to go. The class limit is 12 to a teacher and a TA and the standard of education is just so much better.

My dilemma is we wanted to move house within the next 5/6 years so that will put a stop to that. (We live in a deprived area) And will also mean maybe one UK holiday a year as opposed to going abroad. (We have focussed on travelling rather than saving to move)

Shall I value her education above all other oppprtunities? Or shall I send her to the local primary that’s rated good?

Please don’t tell me off or say I should be grateful for affording even one UK holiday as everything is relative to the situation you’re in.

Thanks

I think most go for the school first and then it's sector.
A good state primary can be as good or better than a good private school.
It depends on the individual school.
Go and look at a few and stop thinking that private = better, it doesn't always.

My dh went to a very expensive private school and I went state. In fact my school was the catch all for all the expelled private kids in the area.

I have always earnt more than dh and been more career focused and better travelled. He is definitely smarter than me, but happy to cruise along at life spending time with family.

My point is private doesn't guarantee a good career, higher earning power or more well adjusted.

We both come from stable homes, with parents happy together. That is what is important imho.

Quite a few of my friends have sent their children to private schools. They are all well rounded, lovely children and their parents sacrificed things to pay the fees. My daughter attends a good primary school but I was considering sending her to a private school for secondary education as she is extremely shy and I work in child protection so see how some secondaries are massively struggling with pastoral care(not to say private schools have a better pastoral system but mostly less students to focus on).I also work with some colleagues who went to private schools- they thought they had a better education at fee paying schools after speaking to some of their friends at state schools and thought their parents had made the right choice. I went to state primary and comprehensive schools by the way but they were good schools and I did quite well. I suppose it does depend on the quality of the state schools v the private schools at the time in the area you are in. I would visit state and private and do a compare and contrast - I think most parents get a gut feeling as to the ones which are the best fit for their child.

We were in almost exactly the same position last year and chose to send DD to the private school. We pay a monthly direct debit of £600 which covers school fees and wraparound care including clubs such as drama and gymnastics after school which in this area would cost at least £200-300 a month anyway so its roughly £100 a week extra which we can comfortably afford. It’s a lovely school, has a great family atmosphere and DD has settled well. I know plenty of people who would spend £6k on their annual holiday without batting an eyelid, I’d rather go camping and spend it on DD’s education

I would cut back on holidays and such like for my children but my DH doesn’t value education in the same way that I do.

I am considering leaving my school, where I am very happy to go to a private school with a view to getting my younger son in with a staff discount. The situation, granted, is a little different because the school i’m looking at caters for my child’s SEN.

My DH thinks I’m crazy but I would do it for my child to thrive.

Holidays in this country can be more expensive than a cheap one abroad plus private schools finish earlier in the summer so you might get a cheap flight!!

It comes down to how much of a sacrifice it is. The children just get bigger and need more space as they grow so will you be happy in 5 years not moving.
Also will you feel hard done by when their friends are off to Disney and you've got a weeks camping to look forward to.

We actually moved from private to state and certainly don't feel like our son is being hard done by by the move. In all honesty it's opened my eyes and I wonder what were paying for.

We moved for reasons which initially weren't financial but I certainly don't miss the bill falling through the door every term.

I know a friend at the the old school who sacrifices a lot no holidays no hair cuts no new clothes hardly ever. No chance of helping the kids through uni or with a house deposit as they will have literally burned through the cash.

My friend sacrificed a lot of her child's private education. She got the requisite 11 A* and has opted to do a degree in Art.

The only other friend I have whose child has been through top notch private education and come out the other end - well his son is now a professional footballer.

So be prepared for that sort of outcome!

What kind if parent prioritises a nice house and holidays over an education? How incredibly materialistic. My parents were in your position. They chose education. It literally changed my life. If they had sent me to a state school I would so be there but going to a good private school have me the confidence, worldliness and, the grades to go anywhere a do anything I want. I moved to a different country, made quite a few unorthodox choices with complete conviction, took some risks and now I am happily married to a wonderful man with two lovely children and on the path of to a good professional career. And I am not even 25. If there us one thing that a tip bitch education taught me is that the only one responsible for your failures is you. I have made sure not to miss an opportunities as a result. I have no excuse not to succeed so I don't see failure as an option.

Calculate how much the cost of her entire education will be from age 4-18, taking into account the rise in fees as they get older. It will be over £100,000. Ask yourself if that amount of money could be better spent on other things - family holidays, extracurricular activities, private tutors, paying your own mortgage off, paying for a deposit on her first house, etc!

I know of the school as I'm fairly local and know a boy who goes there. His parents moved him there in Year 6 due to health problems - state were putting them under pressure to have a certain % attendance whereas there's no pressure at Brook House. Very calm, not a particularly academic school from what I can gather, but his parents wanted a school he'd enjoy as opposed to one that would pile on the pressure to achieve certain grades etc.

Some pupils will absolutely thrive in a small community like Brook House, others will find it stifling by the age of 11/12. You know your child best. Bear in mind that some Leicestershire village primaries have small class sizes too (Kilby and Arnesby spring to mind - don't know where you are) if that is the main selling point. You can always change your mind and move to independent later if you choose.

If I felt, for whatever reason, that the state system couldn't cater for my child, and I could afford private by cutting back on travelling and by staying put in a smaller house, I would make those sacrifices if the indy was right for my child, but I would definitely try the state system first. Especially if you may have another child in future.

FWIW, I briefly sent my eldest to a very popular independent prep school - looked lovely, was very impressed when we looked round etc. It was an utter nightmare. DC1 is quirky, later diagnosed with Aspergers and they just wanted every child to be the same. We pulled him out as he was so stressed at school, despite being bored and not stretched academically, and he thrived in the local state school. Has made me wary of thinking private = better. Better facilities, definitely, but his teachers are far more capable, creative and inspiring in the state primary he moved to.

*not phone hates me. Us is is, bitch is notch, so is still and so forth.

Remember Private isn't always better than State. There are LOADS of Independnet schools which offer a worse education than many state schools - this is more likely in the very small schools, which of ten struggle for numbers and sometimes go bankrupt.

If this is a small school, make sure you have evidence that it is providing z better education - think how you can measure that. And look into how stable it is - things like the numbers in each year, the investment into new facilities, exam results and destinations after school.

Sometimes small schools make sense - they might provide specialist facilities for children with a particular SEN and sometimes hey are the only option if people are returning from abroad and nowhere else has places. However, your child is just starting out and so unless you are really sure the school will provide a significantly superior education, don't be swayed just by the fact it is private.

The fact fees remains the same until Yr 7 is very unusual and makes me concerned. Is it cheap compared to other local independents and do they increase fees at various points? If this school is doing something different it might smack of desperation.

Just be careful. Remember paying doesn't mean you are caring more about education than those who don't pay.

Prioritising a nice house and holidays over private education is not necessarily materialistic. We spent money on extending our house which could have potentially paid for school fees. As a direct result, both our daughters have their own rooms and we have a nice large kitchen space in which to cook, talk and eat together.

We've also been able to take our children on some great holidays, including to places that support their education through exposure to foreign languages, culture and history. And there's money left over for all sorts of other things that can and do support their education.

They are both at a good state school and doing very well academically. In our case, I'm convinced that private school would have been a much less good use of the money. And that has nothing to do with being materialistic.

Daisy, it is not negligent of parents to choose not to pay school fees, when they could do so.
Many parents have excellent state options available to them, many of which are better than many independent options - remember it's impossible to say all schools in one sector are better than another - things are far more nuanced than that. There are lots of crap, struggling independents, with the parent body paying because they have been fooled into thinking that paying=better.

Lots of parents carefully research schools in their area and decide paying just isn't worth it. They can see their local schools deliver great results,moors of extra curricular and children going to great Unis and careers - given this, and knowing that they are interested parents and will always value education and support their children in school and with opportunities outside of school, they conclude that their children will have every chance to do well in the local school and go for it. Perhaps they decide that the cash they save will be better used to save for a deposit for their child to buy a house or start working life without uni debt, or that they will use the money to pay for fantastic broadening holidays, or they will pay off their mortgage early or by not paying fees one parent can stay at home or work less and be around for the kids more and support them in their education. All of these could be judged to be a better use of the money. There simply isn't a clear cut one size fits all answer.

For anyone considering fee paying schools, I would always advise 2 things. Firstly check what the state schools provide and deliver compared to the Independnet school and only go for the fee paying option if it is significantly better. And second, only do it if the sacrifices are not too great - so only do it if you are still able to save for your own pension, to have a holiday and have housing suitable for your family - sacrificing these things to pay for school fees, especially when there are good state options is just folly and suggests a lack of ability to make a sensible judgement.

Dairy what you’ve achieved is perfectly doable on a state education. I’ve done very well myself on a state education.

The main/sole advantage of private education is that your children will be among other children whose parents value education above holidays. A few will be able to afford both, but many more will be taking camping holidays and nursing old bangers than driving Bentleys and going to Mauritius for half terms. And you can bet they will make full use of the second hand uniform shop and Lidl.

And sorry to say, but the signs of a good education include being able to see the nuances in situations and complexity - that there is rarely only one answer that applies to all situations. Private won't always be best and families will make all kinds of different choices for all kinds of reasons......and children are often hugely successful from state schools and sometimes unsuccessful from independents.

Perhaps this awareness of complexity comes with maturity.

The main/sole advantage of private education is that your children will be among other children whose parents value education above holidays

All the parents I know in the state sector prioritise education above holidays too. Caring about education isn’t the sole preserve of people who choose to go private

The main/sole advantage of private education is that your children will be among other children whose parents value education above holidays. A few will be able to afford both, but many more will be taking camping holidays and nursing old bangers than driving Bentleys and going to Mauritius for half terms. And you can bet they will make full use of the second hand uniform shop and Lidl.

OCSock not sure where you live but this couldn't be further from the truth where I am. I actually laughed out loud when I read that!

What a load of old utter bobbins from OCSock.

As if driving a second hand car, shopping at Lidl and not going on a foreign holiday once a year equates to the cost of a private education for once child, let alone two or more.

I shop at Lidl and it probably saves us £20 a week (being generous) for a family of 4. Our European holiday costs us £5,000 pa. Our second car costs us less than £1,000 pa.

Am astonished to see this same old rubbish being perpetuated on Mumsnet. Most people cannot afford private education just by tightening their belts even if they wanted to go down that retrograde route .

how adequate is your current housing?
you also need to think of your own financial future
i would hate to be an adult and see my parents having a terrible retirement (as it a house they can maintain and acess and getting adequate care and support, like cleaners, medical care) because they sacrificed it for education that was available in other ways.

TeenTimesTwo has made some very valid points

Hmmmm. One UK holiday a year sticks in my mind from your OP. I last went on holiday in 2012 (a rainy week in a caravan in the UK). School fees have put paid to holidays, and in fact to anything else. DD said earlier: "We don't do anything, do we?" No, we don't. Because of school fees. What's more, we don't have a kitchen or bathroom, beyond the absolute essentials (sink, loo, cooker). For me, this is worthwhile. Not sure the DC see it that way, though...

We sacrificed to allow our sons the benefit of private education from the age of 2.5 to 21yrs. Frankly neither of them appreciate all we gave up to ensure we did the best for them. In retrospect I think we should have allowed them to sink or swim in the public sector.

Not negative op. Simply realistic. My DC are 20 and 23. We did the independent route. I have sound advice to offer but clearly you know best and are not receptive.