if you could afford to go private, should you?

[tankerdale]

Sometimes I worry that we've got our priorities wrong. We've ended up in a lovely large home with high running costs, we've got some but not loads of savings, most of our 'wealth' is in our house. Income is very good on paper but month to month we only manage to save a small amount, if any. I work 2.5 days, DH is full time. We have a nice lifestyle and I guess eat out a bit but I don't think we're otherwise extravagant, don't spend much on holidays, run 1 car, don't spend loads on clothes etc.

3dc, 2 already at primary school. We live in the catchment of what is considered a very good non selective state secondary but it is massive.

As it stands we couldn't afford to put 3dc through private secondary (there's a nice one nearby). But have we got it wrong? Should we move to a more modest home and prioritise paying for their education?

Feeling a bit guilty that we're not putting them first. Dc1 seems v bright and will probably be ok anywhere, dc2 I'm not so sure about and too early to tell with dc3.

If they go to the state school and have any problems I'm going to wish we made a different choice I think.

So - in principle, if you can pay for private - should you?

I think some children are very keen to be the best in the class and work very hard (in state and private sectors). I have very laid back children so never had much stress here and their school like most academic private schools spends a lo of time making sure children can keep up hobbies, not go over board with revision. Some families are from ethnic cultures where you work 7 hours a day on revision and are beaten or sent out to run through snow in bare feet type scenarios if you are not doing well enough and some families are very laid back but happen to have a perfectionist child who is never happy unless she has 11A* and is top of all sets.

Now I just have teenagers I don't have any difficulties over deciding the balance between work and hobbies as the children just decide themselves and I leave them to it.

The only few times we used a tutor was just before one 7+ entrance exam for a child who was not being helped for that at school and then secondly my older son's French which needed a bit of work. At least one of my older children's schools had a no home work in the holidays rule - I think NLCS and their girls do rather well. I liked that rule.

Perfectionism is often the enemy of success for mere mortals.

It's certainly not to be encouraged in DC.

I think there might be some pretty stressed children-even at NLCS. Or even Habs.

There will be stressed kids everywhere.

DD has a friend who suffers with terrible anxiety and depression. She was the same at her private secondary school as she is now in state sixth form. Just not one of life's copers.

I suppose if you know full well that your DC are susceptible to stress and anxiety then certain environments are to be avoided.

But that's very different to saying private school causes stress generally.

There are many good reasons not to send a child to private school.
Not being able to afford being the obvious one!
Ditto where there is no suitable option in reasonable distance.
Many good reasons.

But some of the reasons put forward on this thread are just stupid.

Happygardening of course most will be from state schools as only about 7% go to private. I wasn't saying that it causes mental health issues. Just saying that I would rather walk in the woods, go to the beach etc than spend time revising for tests with my children. The parents I know are competitive and also feel that they should get the results as three are ' paying for them'.

'They' not three

Lots of views about private schools on this thread.

One poster says that public school kids call state school kids "scum". I've never seen this. One poster says that private school parents are pushy and that kids have to revise/work all the time. My DC's school doesn't set work for half terms and holidays (except revision in Easter of year 11 and 13).

On the other hand, my DC has friends who left private for state. DC and other school friends have tried very hard to keep in touch with those with left for state school, but the latter aren't interested, say that private schools are sh*t, private school pupils are snobs. And we have a number of neighbours whose kids go to state schools, who tutor even in years 7/8, push for extra homework, make their kids study during school holidays etc.

Overall I just don't think it's helpful to make generalizations about sectors, particularly when you've never had children in the other sector yourself.

Lots of views about state schools too........... Problem is that the negative comments about state schools are generic and taken as read and very rarely challenged. One disobliging comment about private schools and the hackles are up..........

Incidentally, I don't think the poster meant that some private school kids actually call state school kids "scum" (although an adult poster on here who should know better once referred to them as "dregs"). I think she meant that some of them think of them that way. Which is,, actually, hard to deny.

I agree user7214743615 I have never seen the mythical 'scum' comment and there are always far more nasty comments about private schools on here.

I play bingo, a poster will be asking something very specific about private schools or a particular school and I know exactly which posters will turn up with their predictable comments.

It must be like a full time job.

'Thick, won't cope with university'
'Snobs'
'Worst case of bullying I have ever known is in a private school'

'No special needs'
'No qualified teachers'

Blah, blah. Always. The.Same

I have two in state and one in private

"Disruption""underachievement"bullying""rather not have a child if it had to go to state school"too sensitive/clever for state school""shite""awful".Not forgetting the "dregs" comment I referred to earlier. I remember that one specifically because it was so particularly awful.

You don't notice the negative comments about state schools because you just accept them as the truth. It's just a constant drip drip drip......That's why a negative comment about private schools stands out.

Yes, that'll be why bertrand

I could spend hours on here finding all the private school comments which are far more prevalent.
I agree with the poster who said that it's usually those who have absolutely no experience of the private sector too.

I have dc in both.

I visit lots of schools as part of the widening access scheme for my university.

Disruption is the absolute number one complaint by students. They're not making it up ( why would they?).
Other colleagues report similarly ( naturally we collate our findings to try to makes suggestions for improvement).

Underachievement amongst high ability pupils is pretty much accepted as a problem by everyone I know in HE.
It's a problem that successive governments have sought to address ( mostly without much success).

These are real actual problems that students face. Not even remotely in the same ball park of some of the ridiculous observations made about private schools.

I would have privately educated mine for secondary school in a heartbeat😣 the local state primary was lovely but the upper schools are awful. I know many families who went private for secondary school. Best of both worlds, maybe? Good luck :)

"Yes, that'll be why bertrand grin"

Worth thinking about. It is entirely possible that you are wrong. Incidentally, the comment about the "worst case of bullying" was mine. It was my "godson". It is true. And I only ever mention it because of the erroneous belief some people have that there is no bullying in private schools. There is bullying everywhere.

Shrug right back at you. These little anecdotes are pointless, I removed my dd2 from three (yes three) state schools due to horrendous bullying.
She is now very happy in the private sector.

Do you ever see me mentioning this on state school threads? No. Because I have no agenda.

You make things up Betrand, I have never in 14 years on here seen a single poster say that there is never bullying in the state sector.

And she has SN which apparently means that the private sector don't want her.
This school has a waiting list and is a high achieving school.

I tell you who rejected her- our local state school, Hillview.

*never seen someone here say that there is never bullying in the private sector.

I am not going to continue arguing with you because I know from experience that you never accept that you are wrong.

"Shrug right back at you. These little anecdotes are pointless, I removed my dd2 from three (yes three) state schools due to horrendous bullying.
She is now very happy in the private sector."
I'm very pleased to hear it.

But have you really never seen any posts about choosing private school because the posted was worried about bullying in the state sector generally? Not because of a particular experience?

Bertrand - you said on a previous thread that the reason you know so much about private schools, despite your children going to state schools, is because most of your social circle send their DCs private.
Given your strong disapproval to private education and your instant sarcastic or aggressive pouncing on any poster who makes, in your opinion, an inappropriate remark about either sector, do you voice your opposition to your friends' choices when socialising with them or do you keep silent?
I know I would find it hard to keep quiet in rl on the few subjects that I feel strongly about.

I'm pretty sure you can't judge a whole sector on stereotypes and generalisations.
That's why these threads never seem to go anywhere.
Not saying my dd school perfect, but bullying really doesn't exist as it is soon stamped out, other children sort it out and step in at the first sign, if this doesn't work they take it to staff.
Some dc get stressed, but most are copers.
SENCO is absolutely brilliant and appointments with specialists actually happen within a couple of weeks from referral.

I haven't been either sarcastic or aggressive, but it's quite interesting that you think I have been. Well, maybe a little sarcastic in response to statements about poor children being perfectly able to apply for private schools because of the bursaries. But it would take the patience of a saint not to be a bit sarcastic at that! Yes, many people in my social circle use private schools. And a couple of my friends do. But, like most people, my close friends are usually people I share fundamental values with. And I don't share fundamental values with most people who use private schools.

Whoops, forgot to say. I don't attribute this to a whole sector or even schools managed the same way.
The ethos and environment is individual to each school, whatever sector.

I genuinely don't think most private school pupils think private pupils are scum. We know 92% of children go to state schools. Do people really think we think 92% of the population is scum? We socialise with, we work with, we marry people from state schools. Of course we don't even think they are scum. They are humans like the rest of us. Also many of us have children 's friends in state schools - children often move between the various sectors at different stages. My sons had one friend leave for Watford Grammar at 11+. Another joined a brand new Jewish secondary school which is comprensive. Quite a few left their school to save fees for various different kinds of state sixth forms locally and in central London. These children are all still in touch with each other either in person or on line all the time.

On bullying there is bullying in every school. We have never seen much evidence of it at our children's private schools or mine but it will be there. I've never had a child bullied so far nor doing it but it is there in all sectors.

Ha, I wouldn't have anyone in my social circle who didn't share my values.
I'd find it hypocritical and wonder how many times the subject would have to be changed for topics where we didn't agree.
why do it Bert, does it not make you feel a bit wrong?