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At what point is going private NOT worth it?

710 replies

lexlees · 05/11/2015 14:31

I was chatting to a friend recently and we got chatting about schools. Their only daughter goes to a top private school and it is a real financial strain on them. They reckon they spend 40% of their net family income on school fees and extras. All her wages go towards the school fees and even then only covers 2/3 of it - the remaining third comes from her husband's salary.

From my perspective I don't see how it is worth it. She maintained that it is not unusual. They just want their child to have 'every advantage' because both she and her husband went private.

Their girl is bright but didn't qualify for any bursary or scholarship and failed to get into the selective state school (they did try all three). Although the girl was top of her class in her state primary, she now feels so much pressure because she hasn't gotten an 'A' in anything yet. She is now no longer the bright one and it took two terms to make friends. I'd love to say she is a lovely girl, but honestly, she is an ungrateful and mean brat (she used to beat up/be cruel to my ds every time they were alone - then lie about it - hence I don't bring my ds anymore to their house).

They are putting minimal money into pensions and have only 'one term's worth' of savings. They haven't had a holiday for two to three years, never eat out and hardly buy stuff (except for stuff for their daughter - so she doesn't feel 'left out' at school) as they have a mortgage as well. They also don't have parental financial support or expect much of any inheritance either. I feel like my friend has changed into some penny pinching miser, always working out how to save pennies and she is just worn out from a low paid job!

It got me wondering if other people are just making ends meet to send a child or children private. Is she correct that it is normal? At what point does it become NOT worth it.

OP posts:
howabout · 12/11/2015 14:54

SheGot It is hard! It is even harder for her poor sister who is a year younger and constantly striving to keep up.

Sport she has absolutely no interest in, but she competed successfully internationally. She didn't win but was in no way disappointed as she just entered for fun. She qualified for 4 athletics finals at school last year despite never even running for a bus (some of her class mates are members of the local athletics club).

She plays music for fun but is the best player in the region in one of her instruments. She point blank refused dance and drama lessons when small but looks like a natural in the annual school show.

Writing this though I realise that I may have instilled different success criteria in her. She doesn't always feel the need to be the absolute best and I think we both agree that is a positive.

Greenleave · 12/11/2015 14:57

Howabout, no wonder your daughter was at grade 4 at year 5 with only 20mins at school and 10 mins practise a day, my child certainly can never have it

Greenleave · 12/11/2015 14:58

What I meant was she certainly was very above average in everything she does with alittle effort and this might not be the case for all children

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2015 15:56

I'm a great believer in the value of failure and disappointment as well as success and achievement. I just don't think they have to be in the same things. My DS is practically always "top of the class" academically - which says more about the cohort than about him- but 16-0 on Saturday, not getting the part he wanted (and thought he as going to get, the arrogant little git) at a recent audition and a scraped pass in his last music exam cut him down to size a bit!

NewLife4Me · 12/11/2015 16:42

Bertrand

Grin you sound terrible in that post, but I know you are right.
I wish I was a bit more like you tbh.
My dd still is of the impression she only has to do the bare minimum academically, she is trying more now but still not achieving what she is capable of.
Her prep is rushed and she always gets things wrong like not taking the correct notes, getting in a mess because she doesn't know what she should be doing.
She can organise herself but refuses to.
Her teachers said they always know where to find her if she is late for an academic lesson.
Either rehearsing her own ensemble or practising in one of the rooms.
She knows the system and will scrape the minimum requirements for the conservatoire of her choice and sail through.
There is no reasoning or getting her to think of a plan B she is adamant she's not having one.

BertrandRussell · 12/11/2015 17:19

Newlife- if you only knew how my heart bled for him.

And I won't mention the present I was going to save for Christmas that I'm going to give him when he gets home because I was so proud of how he handled the disappointment. Particularly the 16-0. He's the team's captain, and he kept their heads up right to the end and insisted on them being gracious in defeat. Least said about the massively under practised for music exam the better, though!

NewLife4Me · 12/11/2015 17:30

It must be hard when they are so good at everything. At least I haven't got that worry. Whilst dd could do better with attitude towards academic subjects she isn't throwing away a whole host of A* she just isn't that potential.

It must be equally hard when they are so good academically and expect everything else to be as good. I'm sure that's why my dd has the attitude to maths and science that she does. it doesn't come easy and will need lots of extra work, why should she do it when she knows what she wants his her argument. Mine is knuckle down do the maths and science because you have to, full stop. Grin

Greenleave · 12/11/2015 17:40

Oh Bert, he will get the better one next time, its a good lesson for him this time to learn to try better, as long as the failure isnt the key to their educations path in some important milestone(11+, gcse, a level, univ) then to me every other failures wont be too bitter, we can always do it again

howabout · 12/11/2015 18:36

Very wise words Greenleave. I have the feeling this thread actually reads as the ultimate in First World Problems as far as DC are concerned.

Newlife your DD sounds like I was. My managing partner when I was a trainee was aghast at my strategy of doing the bare minimum for my professional exams. I had worked out that performance at work and with clients was far more important and as long as I passed no-one cared how well. My work was billable by the hour and my inbuilt laziness makes me very efficient. It served me very well throughout my career. I take my hat off to anyone who has the drive and determination to succeed in the creative arts. That is much harder imo.

Bertrand I was feeling really sorry for your DS and then read your last post and realised you are just as much of a spoiling Mum as me.

Everhopeful · 25/11/2015 21:43

I feel suspicious that the girl is feeling the pressure too much to have it in her to be nice. I bet she wouldn't mind coming out of that school - it's probably killing her watching her mum work herself to a frazzle, she's desperate to do all the things they can't afford to do because she's there and she can't even make them proud of her results... I don't think I'd be in her shoes for all the world. Can't blame you for keeping your kids out of harm's way though, OP

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