Getting DS ready for boarding school, what did you do?

[smilesandsun]

Hi,

I'm trying to prepare ds as best as possible for boarding school. Looking for any sweet ideas to make the transition less stressful.

I'm making a little photo book as a surprise. We're talking about it little and often in a very positive way (which it will be).

what else should I do?

How old are you Ici?

I know it's a well rehearsed argument but things really are different now. Families making that decision today would be mad to spend the money or make the effort unless they genuinely thought they were getting something that can't be had at home.

And boarding school staff shouldn't be strangers. It works best if houses are run by teachers who are thus completely engaged in the lives of their pupils ... (Quoted from a retiring Head's new book.)

Well I guess it would be nice for 'someone' to be completely engaged in the life of the child. Bit sad that the child's own parent doesn't want to be that person.

Tell them you are putting them in. Kennel as you don't love them? Hth

Selfish maybe but I couldn't be away from my children 38 weeks of the year - the thought horrifies me!

I'm interested in how many people went to boarding school and then choose to send their dc. I was just having this chat with my brother on the wkd, we went (military family) - I loved it, he hated it, neither of us would ever send our children to one.

"What I feel for my children is incredibly intense almost primeval at times. This feeling is hard wired land cannot be conveniently switched off. I certainly can't be distracted from this feeling by a nice new hand bag or a spa weekend."
HG rustles around in her 20 year old handbag hastily stuffing in the bin brochure for a spa weekend my fellow boarding mums I need an urgent GP appointment if I ever tell you I'm going to one of those places as I must have a personality changing space occupying lesion, and in a rare moment of "incredibly intense" love (even almost primeval by Jove, what ever next I might be putting my arm around him, God help us) wipes a tear away from the eye of my teenage DS who I've never bonded with so our relationship is now very distant better quickly cancel that half term jolly that the pair of us are going on because it will be such a miserable experience, just the two of us emotionally distanced from each other, struggling to find any common ground to talk about, and you've know idea how difficult it was to make him look really happy in the photos I took at our last jolly together, and as for our summer holiday you've no idea what a struggle it was and I'd also better cancel our plans for this Friday, I stupidly thought he was looking forward too and (although I very doubt this is actually necessary) reassure him that there are lots of people in this world who like to pontificate about something they know absolutely nothing about in particular cast aspersions on how much I love him!!!!!!!!!
The best bit IMO is that Amarantine et al can so confidently criticise other parents and their relationships with their children even though they wouldn't know them if they passed them in the street, blatantly imply that we don't love our children, and that our children are dysfunction and will be distanced from their parents for ever. As I said earlier it leaves me wondering what sort of person does this and who is the dysfunctional one here.

I'm planning a city break to Lisbon next year and would like to know where is a nice part of the city to stay.

The opinions of anyone who has never been to Lisbon, whose grandfather once had a tummy upset in Lisbon during the war and vowed never to return, or who thoroughly disapproves of the Portuguese will naturally be particularly welcome.

The are many varying degrees and intensity of love.

There is the intensity of love that makes you want to see and spend time with your child on a daily basis as they grow up. And there is the intensity of love that makes you quite content to only see and spend time with your child for just a few weeks per year.

If you actively want your child to be elsewhere and largely absent from your own life for 38 weeks a year, then probably they will better off at a boarding school.

More hilarity on this thread?

Who needs Edinburgh?

Oh goody goody can I play I've never been to Lisbon, can I contribute my views? I'm sure I can recommend some nice spas and designer hand bag shops. If your taking your DS I've also got this amazing app that enables technophobics like myself to turn photos of unhappy dysfunction children, dying to get away from these virtual strangers their parents, into happy smiley well adjusted children who look like their enjoying themselves. It's ever so easy to use and great for all those spa weekends I go on, I'm always showing my photos to all those other parents of boarding school children who are staying there. I can also send you if you would like a copy of "How to look like a normal happy family in front of others" handbook, DS's school sent it out with the first invoice I'm not sure Eton are this progressive.

Amarantine. You can (and have quite eloquently) described your love for your own child. An assumption you make about anyone else's love for theirs is purely an assumption. It is not fact.

Indrid. .Go to Berlin instead because I prefer it.

Smiles Hope all the preparations are going well.

Amarantine I do hate to split hairs especially as you're so obviously very knowledgable about boarding school but I very much doubt there's an independent boarding school in the country with only 14 weeks holiday (this isn't the state sector darling). My DS is there 32 weeks of the year, on top of that most full boarding schools give one exeat every half term, also very few are actually proper full boarding schools so most children come home at weekends, on top of this many parents drive considerable distances once or often twice a week to support their DC whilst they play in some kind of match/competition, plays concerts etc usually occur at least one a week and are open to parents to attend with their DC even if you DC is not in it, many schools also organise school asked social things for parents as well. When my DS's were at boarding prep I began to think I saw more of them and was more involved in their lives during the school term through school activities than I ever was when they were at primary school.
IME of the state sector parents are often regarded with suspicion boarding on open hostility and very much kept out of the loop this is far from the case in the independent boarding sector.

Like I said, I'm sure these boarding school children enjoy trips and treats and smile whilst doing them.

But what they don't get the chance to enjoy is living at home and sharing their daily lives with parents who want to share their daily lives with them.

Smiling for a posed family photo during a half term jaunt to Madrid is nice, and easily done by everyone. We can all do that.

But it would seem that not everyone always wants to be there in the middle of the night when your child is ill or has had a bad dream. Or be there to share the 101 tiny shared moments of actually living with your own child.

Well, not living with your child for 'only' 32 weeks of the year is perfectly acceptable of course.

Only on Mumsnet can someone delude themselves that by not actually living under the same roof as their own child for a lot more than half a year somehow magically makes them more closely involved in the day to day minutae of their child's life.

Just happened upon this thread as it's never really interested me before as it has never be a feature of my life or of any friends of mine.

I can just about understand parents who choose to send their children to boarding school once they reach the age of 11/12 however I cannot get my head around that fact that people choose to send their children away when they are seven.......I didn't even know that was possible. I look at my seven year old niece and nephew and cannot imagine them being away from home for long periods of time.

My youngest is just about to go to Uni and we are all ready for that but I'm still going to find it difficult when the house is so quiet and tidy but it feels right. I cannot imagine it would ever feel right to send a seven year old away to school.

We all have our own opinions and we each have to do what is right for our families but this is one thing I cannot quite understand.

I assume you do realise that many parents, whilst sharing their daily lives with their children, also drive long distances every week to ensure their child attends sporting events and various extra curricular activities.

It's part of the job.

I agree Durham. I can possibly get my head around a sixth former going to boarding school.

But I will never comprehend sending a young child. When my children were still at junior school they would have missed us, and being at home dreadfully. A couple of nights away at the grandparents or scout camp was lots of fun and much enjoyed.

But consistently spending weeks and weeks away from home would have disturbed and upset them (and us). If they hadn't missed us and their home life I would think I had massively failed as a parent.

Can I also play the "eloquently" describe the love for your children game?
My DS2 and I were within a few seconds of dying when I was in labour due to an exceedingly rare and undiagnosed complication. When he was finally born I clung onto him and he clung onto me and there he stayed for the next five years. The feeling I have for him and DS1 are not almost primeval they are primeval I would kill for my children if it was necessary. As anyone whose met me will know I am not a distant non touchy non kissy parent, the complete opposite in fact. I gave up my life long obsession passion when they were born and my all consuming job. I absolutely adore my children and I can confidently say they know it.
Over the years "friends" and colleagues have occasionally criticised me, I don't do house work, i loathe paper work I speak my mind, I can be tactless, time keeping is not my strong point etc but no one has ever questioned the depth and strength of my love for my DS's, in fact I am the proud receiver of a letter from a "friend" stating that she thinks I love my children too much and a book she sent me to help me to be less loving (my words).
My children know that I am there for them and always will be through thick and thin. Being a good mother in my opinion is the most important job in the world, children need their mothers especially in the early years if possible and I personally believe the bond between a mother and her son is completely unique and very special.

Copied and pasted from t'other thread:

23/08/2015 11:27 Gruach

"And, IIRC, at least one of the boys in the programme also decided for himself that he wanted to go - and presented his argument to his bemused parents.

As regards:

parents who went themselves as in family tradition, parents who want better than they themselves had, those from overseas ...

You could add:

Parents with an only child who is, for one reason or another, desperately lacking in scope at home.

Ill or incapacitated parent(s) who simply can't manage the running around and taxi service for an energetic and intelligent child.

Parents whose brilliant child would, locally, be stereotyped into steel drums and street dance (and nothing else) when they really want the clarinet and classical ballet.

Anxious parents who are still arranging play dates for their 12year old ...

Parents who, despite having boarded themselves, could never have considered it, were it not for the fact that their own expensive education gave them the confidence to seek out scholarships and bursaries to make boarding possible for a child who clearly wanted it.

Etc ..."

"Only someone on MN could delude themselves that by not actually living under the same roof as their child for a lot more than half a year somehow magically makes them more closely involved in the day to day minutiae of their children's lives"
Who has said they are? I am challenging and correcting your view that we are only part of their lives 14 weeks of the year. Of course we are frequently actively involved in the day to day minutiae of our children's lives admittedly not all of it but are you? Do you go to work? If yes do you get 14 weeks holiday a year? Do you ever go out out without your children? Let them go out without you? Do your children go to school/nursery?bdo you never use a child minder, nursery au pair or nanny? More interestingly do you criticise mothers who return to work full time when their children are babies/toddlers? Do you raise concerns on thread about full time working mums with babies about bonding issues, etc? What about fathers? Does you DC's father go to work? Maybe you are a stay at home mum (I've got lots of time for those I was one) and a stay at home dad, who home educates your children and I'm happy to accept that it great for you children and family but it's not for me, I and others on here have chosen a different route not better not worse just different and we know it works for us and our families.
You can also say what you like, five state schools down the line and I was and am actively more involved and more importantly informed about my children education when they were/are at boarding school then I ever was allowed to be in the state sector where I met with petty bureaucracy and open suspicion and hostility at times.

But logistically and physically and emotionally you simply cannot be there for your child on a daily basis. Because you aren't physically there. And phone calls, and text messages and glimpsing you in the crowd at a mid week concert/hockey match are just a palid photocopy of the real thing.

And I don't understand how a parent can be prepared to die for their child (which is hard wired into most parents, surely) when they don't want to 'live' on a daily basis with that same child (a want that is hard wired into most parents also).

I don't require letters of affirmation from friends telling me what a good parent I am. I hope I just demonstrate to my children and friends that I'm a decent parent who loves her children by actually choosing and passionately wanting to share my daily life with my children.

Good Lord

Parents of boarding children send them to boarding school because we love them not because we don't. What we want and what we feel is not the point. What is best for the child is the most important thing and we have all come, after careful consideration, to the conclusion that boarding is best for our children.

Much as I adore my darling only son I am absolutely confident that in many respects paid staff really can offer him more than I can- not least because I'm over-invested emotionally and generally under-resourced. Of course this does not include love but parental love does not diminish just because the child is not always at home.

As my 14 year-old (who has been boarding from 8) said to me the other day "I really love you Mummy; but I'd really hate to be a day boy"

Whether to work full or part time, sometimes grab a weekend away sans children or drop them off at Scouts once a week doesn't detract from the fact that you are a constant 'daily' physical presence in their life. Able to judge from their expression and tone of voice what they feel like.

On a daily basis you can share a quick joke or a hug, or just a few words in passing about nothing in particular. But the important thing is that it is happening constantly and evolving naturally.

It is both the quantity and (hopefully) quality of contact. Day in and day out. Over breakfast and last thing at night. It's not just the hobby parenting of proudly watching them perform in a play or accepting an award at Speech Day. Or lavish family holidays at half term.

If you sincerely believe that paid staff can offer your child more than you can as their parent, then that child is most likely better off being cared for by the paid staff.

Same, if you believe that dazzling sport facilities and a fully operational drama theatre are more beneficial to a young child than knowing its own parent wants to share their daily lives with them.

DS has just emerged from his pit and we are having a good chuckle over this thread.

Hocus I would love to go to Berlin too, but we are off to Lisbon because DS is starting Portuguese next term, and I have to make up for my emotional neglect by going on holidays which will boost his academic performance.