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Original poster

Getting DS ready for boarding school, what did you do?

229 replies

smilesandsun · 07/08/2015 08:27

Hi,

I'm trying to prepare ds as best as possible for boarding school. Looking for any sweet ideas to make the transition less stressful.

I'm making a little photo book as a surprise. We're talking about it little and often in a very positive way (which it will be).

what else should I do?

OP posts:
VirginiaTonic · 09/08/2015 00:36

I thought the 4 night year 6 residential was traumatic enough!!

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 09/08/2015 00:44

The OP doesn't need to be judged so if you haven't got anything nice to say bog off!

Ericaequites · 09/08/2015 02:45

Write often. When I went away to university at 18, letters from my grandmother were a highlight of my day.
I had a long commute by car each day to school. Weekly boarding would have been far easier if available and affordable.

JustRichmal · 09/08/2015 07:22

I am someone who does not agree with boarding school, but that is not what this thread is about.

When dd went on residential, I packed her off with a teddy someone had bought for me some years back and which I had put in my bed for week or two before she went. I think it was a comfort for her at night.

pixieg1rl · 09/08/2015 08:04

I'd say the photo book isn't a great idea, no matter how excited he is to be going some homesickness is inevitable. Some things to make him feel comfortable like duvet covers, toys (not sure how much of that sort of thing they can take, when I went 30 years ago it wasn't much).

Agree with poster up thread who mentioned a well stocked tuck box, never underestimate the importance of that.

I hope he has a great time, I (eventually) loved boarding school, and made wonderful lasting friends.

goinggetstough · 09/08/2015 10:07

Tuck boxes as PP has said are very useful for keeping their own personal things in. Do though check with the school about what tuck/food they are allowed to take. At my DC's prep school they were not allowed to take food etc. don't worry they weren't deprived and 'grub' was given out a few times a week. Plus the school food was very good. At senior school they could take anything.

happygardening · 09/08/2015 10:55

"Packing children off to boarding school just smacks of wanting someone else to raise you children because you can't be arsed to do it. Or desperate social climbing"
Comments likes this and others just smack of being knee jerk ignorant and judgmental, and are always made by those who have absolutely no idea about boarding in the 21 century, or what motivates parents to do it and how children actually feel about it. You might like to think this is how it "looks to everyone, apart from those who've made the same choice as you" but, in fact it isn't plenty of people don't board their children, most I talk to about are usually genuinely curious about it, ask lots of question, and even if they take the view that it's not got them (which is fine by me) on listing to my opinions and often after meeting my DS but don't take this view. Over the years no one has ever accused me of bring a social climber. We all make different choices for our children and ourselves no one choice is the right one. So I'm sorry to disappoint the anti boarding brigade but my DS who has boarded since he was 7 years old is a well adjusted, happy teenager who has an excellent relationship with his loving family, as are the vast majority of his friends who've had the same experience. He is coming to the end of a wonderfully broad, intellectually stimulating education that he would not have received if he hadn't boarded.
OP boarding is a positive life changing experience for most boardng children it encourages your DC to develop in a supportive caring environment essential life skills that will stay with them as they embark of the adult lives, believe in what your doing and your DS will pick up on this and believe in it too.

happygardening · 09/08/2015 10:56

Listening not listing bloody autocorrect.

Original poster
smilesandsun · 09/08/2015 12:38

Thank you for all the positive helpful comments from those that actually answered the question, how did you prepare your child for boarding and making the transition smooth. happygardening your comments have been very useful and supportive thank you.

Those that have decided I was asking if I should send my child to boarding school and feel the need to decide why that may be, your comments are not needed on this thread.

housepicturesque I asked where that came from because firstly I didn't ask if should send my child and secondly you offered no reason behind your view. It is an our of context thing to say as I didn't ask for an opinion an that. If seems from your response that have no experience in boarding and why people board their children. However you are happy to judge me for our choice. My child is not an inconvenience and I love him dearly and will do everything I need to ensure he has the best opportunity. If that is the local school, he will go there and if that is somewhere else then I will do my best to achieve that goal. Im not sure what blame you are talking about but we as a family including my child agree this is the best opportunity......there is no blame in our family.

Additionally, Im from Australia and no one in our family has boarded, none of my friends boarded - its just not done there generally. I would never have thought I would be sending my child to boarding school. It was after careful research and many many length conversations, lots of school visits we decided that it is the best thing FOR my son.

OP posts:
DarklingJane · 09/08/2015 17:58

Smiles,
One more thing I would add is when you are talking about him going, also talk about things you will be doing when he is at home. Eg, shall we go and see such and such a film at exeat, half term, etc. Sorry if it's too obvious but just to show him his school life will be in addition to his home life - he isn't suddenly going to lose all the stuff he does at home.

Also IRL the people I know who do not choose or indeed are opposed to boarding are much more along the lines of Stroke, Cheese and Richmal. Ie Can agree to differ but don't assume DS is boarding simply because I am making it my life's work to ruin his. We can talk about and still share experiences etc whilst having made a different choice about what school our DCs go to. I am sure you have found this already.

I agree with Summerends that the boarding environment makes it easier to settle in with friends. DS has a good friend who didn't start until 6th form - 3 years after everyone else

Boarding has been a hugely positive experience for DS and he is (like HG's DS) happy, well adjusted and close to us.
You have obviously thought this through carefully and I wish you all the very best.

theredjellybean · 09/08/2015 18:12

a tuckbox - filled with stuff ( not just tuck !)
I got both my dds tuck boxes - they are fabulous now really cool, I do remember seeing a camouflage print one whichmight appeal to boys.
Photos and posters to put up...and pins or blue tack to put them up with . I wondered why my dd2 didnt put up all the carefully chosen and printed pictures for weeks and weeks, until she remembered she had not blue tack at school.

Label absolutely everything....and talk to your son ...a lot...about how to manage lost kit etc, my dd2 gets really upset and stressed if she has lost something and thinks she will get into trouble ( not with me...i am just there to provide endless new kit) with teachers, and has been known to txt me at 8 oclock at night telling me i need to get her a new xyz by the next day , which isnt easy if you work fulltime and live an hour away.

A calender to pin up , with dates of leave out ( exeat) marked on them and ask him to choose something special to do on those weekends.

My girls always pick a favourite dinner to to have for last night at home and the first night home , we plan these in the holidays and write them on the house calender so they are not forgotten.

I also did the home duvet and pillows and new bed linen just for school.

But most of all talk about it all....discuss how it might feel ...and highlight the good stuff but do not brush over the bad, make sure your son knows its ok to feel sad sometimes .

My dds ( aged 10 and 15) both adore boarding, as I did !
good luck to your son.

summerends · 09/08/2015 19:19

Just to add to the first suggestion of DarklinJane's last post. We used to sit with a calendar so that DS could see and help plan exactly what was going to happen and when we were going to see him until for example the first long exeat. Basically it seemed to help sharing the planning and control of it with him. Obviously we also reinforced that we could come any time if he needed us and we were very keen to see him but that he would enjoy school faster by concentrating on getting used to it and making friends without us initially.

summerends · 09/08/2015 19:23

Just seen that redjellybean has also mentioned a calendar.

happygardening · 09/08/2015 19:40

Gosh aren't you all organised with calendars etc I'm feeling totally inadequate.
I'm not sure I personally would say "we can come any time" we've always encouraged DS to turn to house parents (prep) or housemaster in the first place obviously they/he knew/knows the whole situation, There's often two sides to every story, I will/would of course come but I try to get schools to address any problems in the first place. I used to ring once a week when the boys were at prep school usually on the same day/time (often at prep school children don't have mobiles but use a communal phone) so that they knew to be near the phone. Now I suggest he rings me when it's convenient for him I don't call he usually txt forest to check I'm free.
When you pick them up at weekends exeats etc they're always starving either they didn't eat lunch because they didn't like it (always a hideous fish pie at prep) or haven't had lunch, if your organised bring food it will save you a small fortune I have shares in the M and S at service station at junc 13 of the M4 the Polish women behind the till and I are good friends.
When you first see him after he's started boarding don't smother them with kisses in front of their friends, in the first few weeks I think boys are trying to look cool, now we always hug when we I pick him up but the first time I got a kurt nod and don't bombard them with questions they often can't or won't answer them; remember it's their life not yours!

summerends · 09/08/2015 20:23

Happy in our case the knowledge that we were there for him at any time was important to provide reassurance which in turn meant he did n't need it. When they are 11 or younger whatever happens in practice (and obviously the school's experience is there to be relied on) we found that a sense of control and knowing what was going to happen next also really helped. When they are older and settled they are in control anyway because they know the school routine and the rythmn of it.
Different things work or are needed depending on the DC so I can but share what helped my DS in his first year of prep school boarding and his friends who had tendencies to homesickness. For those DCs who are happy go lucky and don't worry about separation then there is no need for extra measures.

goinggetstough · 09/08/2015 20:37

I tend to agree with HG but equally I know what you are saying Summerends. I think there is maybe a compromise between rushing to collect them/removing them from school ( am not saying summer that this is what you did) and making sure you are there for them at anytime. Of course this doesn't necessarily mean that you will always be physically there. It was slightly different for our DC as we were abroad when they were at prep school. However, we had complete trust in the school and when our eldest's housemaster said the homesickness was really affecting them, this was in their second year. We left our house in Europe at 4am and thanks to Eurotunnel were there for Chapel at 9.30!

What can be unhelpful IMO is to say to your child that " if you don't like it we will come and get you." That doesn't mean of course you would leave them at a school if they really didn't settle. It can be unsettling to the others to hear a DC saying their parents will come and get them as soon as they are homesick etc or when something minor has happened. ( i know I have left myself open to the anti-boarding school brigade here...)

pretend · 09/08/2015 20:42

I can't imagine which decency gene one must be lacking, to come onto a thread like this and attack the OP for her choices.

Goodness me what a downright nasty thing to do.

OP, you have some good advice here, I work in a boarding school and can't add anything to the advice already given!

Good luck to you both Smile

summerends · 09/08/2015 22:00

Goingsgettoughyes it is definitely not about rushing to collect them if they have a wobble as the parents and DCs embarking on boarding know that just prolongs the initial strangeness of the new environment.
My DS like most boarding pupils boarded because he wanted to and really wanted to go to the prep school. He liked the reassurance before going back to school of knowing and deciding when we were next going to see him but also knew that there were lots of people to go to at school if there was a problem. The DCs at boarding schools tend to be pretty sensitive to each others' need for some extra cheering up.

AndNowItsSeven · 09/08/2015 22:35

Op but surely people have children because they want a family, children that you can spend time with and nurture . If you send them to boarding school then what's the point?
I understand the reasoning behind dance school for example or for children whose parents are in the forces.
Apart from similar reasons to above it makes no sense, quality education is not the single most important thing in someone's childhood.

AndNowItsSeven · 09/08/2015 22:37

Also children with additional needs may benefit from specialist boarding schools.

MissSmiley · 09/08/2015 22:53

All 7 year old children have special needs - the need to be close to their parents.

AndNowItsSeven · 09/08/2015 22:57

Yes I agree Smiley, I was talking about older children for whom the only suitable option may be an indie special school.

MissSmiley · 09/08/2015 23:06

Yes I completely agree with you about older kids with special needs - I was just trying to make my point.
I have lots of experience of boarding school and of course children thrive - they have to. But they also feel terrible rejection that some never ever get over. Most I know have nowhere near the close relationships with their parents that non boarders do.
I've got friends with teenage daughters at boarding school who have been terribly unhappy and guess what they swapped from termly to weekly boarding!!
And the reason? Because Daddy did the same and he's perfectly ok now.
Makes me furious.
But I'm sure some mars bars and a calendar will help them come to term with it.

cosmobrown · 09/08/2015 23:13

my ds (13) is full boarding from september.

Please feel free to judge my parenting skills and my family life, and my love for my dc - even though you know nothing about me or my family.

Tell me why I am "sending" my child away.
Tell me why I can't be bothered to bring up my own children.
Tell me why I had children in the first place.
Tell me how my dc will grow up to be a dysfunctional adult.

MissSmiley · 09/08/2015 23:20

I can't guess your situation and it is a decision that people make for lots of reasons I know. I'd be really interested to know why you've made that decision although I appreciate it's non of my business.