Getting DS ready for boarding school, what did you do?

[smilesandsun]

Hi,

I'm trying to prepare ds as best as possible for boarding school. Looking for any sweet ideas to make the transition less stressful.

I'm making a little photo book as a surprise. We're talking about it little and often in a very positive way (which it will be).

what else should I do?

Weekly or term boarding?

My point exactly. So I really wish people would lay off with the sweeping statements about terrible parent who send their dc away.

My ds chose to board.

Dh and I had presumed he would continue on to his prep schools senior (day) school, but ds asked if he could look round local boarding school. We found various awards he could go for to make it affordable, which he worked for and won. He ended up with offers from both day and boarding school. We had discussed in detail what he would be signing up for if he boarded, and that was his choice.

I like to think he is confident in his family's love, and does not feel in any way as though he is being "sent away". He simple fancied the boarding school and all it has to offer over the day school (also a very good school!!!) He knows he is loved, that we will miss him, and also that we are supporting him with his own choices. I think he'll love it.

Interesting. But I also have strong views about parents who "let" their child choose their secondary school (day or boarding) around here it's mostly comp or grammar based on where they "want" to go.
You are the parent and you should be choosing a school when your child is still 10 (usually).
As an example if I let my children choose what they wanted to eat at that age it would probably be mostly chips and sweets which suggests that they don't have the maturity to choose something as important as a place of education for the next 7 years.

MissSmiley I work with children some sadly don't have close relationships with their parents of this group few are at boarding school.
Having spent 10 years boarding we know lots of boarders most have very close relationships with their parents. A few years ago we took a friend of DS1's away on holiday with us (he'd never boarded) we stayed with another family who like my DS's had boarded from an early age at the end of the holiday the boy commented on how happy and close both my family and the family we stayed with were and how unlike his family how little arguing there was. Boarding makes you value your time together and you quickly realise that arguing about trivia is not how you want to spend your time together and also how devisive it is, just simply being together doing not a lot brings so much pleasure why spoil it? Many years ago we all as in myself DH and DS1 and DS2 (both under 10) spent the day in our local hospitals children's day ward whilst one DS underwent extensive tests, as we went to leave a nurse queried where my DS's went to school, when we explained where and that both full boarded she looked rather surprised "I'm amazed we were all just commenting on the fact that your the happiest most unified family we've ever seen, boarding certainly isn't doing you any harm".

Children who are secure and confident in the knowledge that their parent(s) love them very much and are there for them when ever they need them, and who choose boarding will thrive and their relationship between their parents will not be adversely effected.
As I've said on numerous times before I know from my own work it's extreme poverty, hideously messy acrimonious divorces, significant bereavements, abuse be it sexual/physical/psycholgical, and substance abuse etc that fucks children up sadly often permanently not boarding in the 21st century.

But the choice was between two very good schools.
Like saying "do you want to eat carrots or broccoli"

Yes, I work with children too. The worst parenting I have seen comes from parents who dc do not board.

Interesting thread. I don't know a lot about boarding schools and this is a genuine non judgmental question, do most parents choose to send their children there and how do you tell your child that they are going away? Or is it something that's always talked about so they know they'll be going one day?
Sorry not the point of the thread. But good luck to your ds at ballet school OP

Happy - your family sounds lovely and I'm sure your boys feel loved and wanted but it's interesting what the nurse said about
"boarding certainly isn't doing you any harm" because even in 21 century it does cause great hurt.
I'm sure you know the mums I know who don't work, live quite close to school but yet think it's better for the kids to board. I know lots of them that think because it's costing so much it must be better. Like everything else they choose.

MrsSmiley then I'm sure you'll be horrified to know my DS choose to board at 7. He correctly identified (before I did) that his school was not and I quickly discovered would not meet his educational needs and that as he had friends with slightly older brothers and sisters who boarded and therefore knew something about it thought they would be better met at a boarding school. Being an observant perceptive child he also saw that despite the fact they were at boarding school they seemed often to be well adjusted happy families so he didn't have any misconceptions about boarding he just saw it as a normal. I can't comment on your children but DS2 was capable of making intelligent decision from quite a young age, be it what to eat, he took his health seriously especially when he was little, where you go to school; he choose to board and naturally choose his secondary school in yr 7 or how to manage his medical condition including recognising when he's deteriorating and adjusting his treatment or requesting further treatment help. He's often been correct in his diagnosis/suggestion for treatment when medical staff have initially made an incorrect alternative diagnosis/suggestion for treatment. Therefore from an early age we"ve always listened to his opinions, naturally voiced our own and then supported him in the decision he makes. It's worked for us all.

I don't think of it as "sending-my-child-away" at all.

All dc are different, and prefer different things. As are families.

I think if your child was seriously unhappy boarding but you forced them to stay at that school just because it was where you went for example, then that would be a different matter.

But just because a family/child has chosen a different path than you would have, it doesn't make that decision wrong.

I am pleased my dc feels confident enough to board.

LOL!

My ds wanted to board to get away from his sister who is autistic and very violent! He wanted a more stable living environment.

His choice, and frankly I don't blame him! Sometimes I wish I could go with him!!

Notnow I sent DS2 first he's a very capable mathematician (IQ for math has been formally tested in excess of 150). In his tiny rural primary he was not only better at math than the oldest children in his school he was also better than his teachers, he didn't at that level and in fact right through to A level need math explained to him because apparently it's obvious (I'm it sure where it's come from as he's not inherited it from DH who I think has mild dyscalculia and I can't do any complicated math although I can remember numbers, number patterns sequences etc so card count automatically). Needless to say he was bored stiff in math but his school who recognised he was very able at math said they hadn't the "time energy or money" to put measures in place to help him as he was the only one and "the chances of another coming along with his ability in the next 25 years were statistically very unlikely". He was also showing a flare for languages, so I wanted him to have as much opportunity as possible to learn them from an early age and as there were no suitable local schools by local by this I mean within 7-8 miles I agreed with his idea that boarding would be better if the school was more suitable. Interestingly until I visited the school I was vehemently opposed to boarding. I don't believe children should go to school till yr 1 DS2 didn't (partly because of his health problems), he stayed at home with me, we did very little formal learning except indulge his fascination with numbers, we did other things, he rode his pony, climbed trees, walked the dogs, we played games, made up stories etc, I also read stories or we listened to audiobooks I felt boarding prep actually has more in common with this ethos than the local primary, children spent large parts of their day outside, climbing tress making dens, going to the local beach, school and home were in fact one and the same, formal learning wasn't being compartmentalised, one minute your with a math teacher, the next minute the same teacher is down the beach with you in your two hour lunch break building sand castles and skimming stones or giving help with your bowling then he's taking you to a rugby match now eating his tea with you, in the evening he's reading you a story and drinking hot chocolate, it just just felt more holistic. The children were actually under less pressure. I saw happy relaxed children because here they are allowed to be what they are; children, freed up from the restriction of the national curriculum, petty bureaucracy dreamed up by faceless civil servant and no SATs, there were specialist teachers for all subjects who were free to teach what they wanted especially in the early years.
Just to add unlike many I don't necessarily equate paying for education =it will always be better, in fact quite the opposite frankly the vast majority of independent schools I wouldn't waste my money on. I'm not impressed with the state sector either but paying doesn't have to mean better.

and how do you tell your child that they are going away?

verystressedmum This is unintentionally hilarious. >>

D'you know how many exams, over a period of years, a child has to take to get into a well regarded (senior) boarding school? It would be quite impossible to even begin the process unless your child is excited and enthusiastic about the proposed new school.

(Perhaps there are schools that take people at a moment's notice when the parents have packed a bag and thrown the child into the car - but I honestly don't know of any.)

I'd say there has never been a time when schools are more conscious of their reputations than they are now. The ones I'm familiar with would be extremely wary of accepting any child who didn't appear to want to be there. They only take children who they are confident will thrive in that environment - make friends, take academic work in their stride and have energy left over for a full calendar of extra-curricular stuff.

My dd starts boarding in September.

We don't live in the UK and we are not happy with the choice of school for her where we live.
It helps that she has had friends who have gone to board as the idea isn't alien to her.

My dd is very excited.
I will miss her terribly and am already planning adventures for the holidays!
I feel proud that I'm able to to provide her with this great opportunity and amazing life experience despite the judge whispering and raised eyebrows of others.

"How do you tell children they're going away"
For a start we are not Victorians, you might be surprised to know that like you we want our children to be happy healthy to achieve what their capable of achieving to have friends and have lots of fun on the way, we are not cold heartless parents who couldn't care less about our DC's and like you we want them to grow into happy well adjusted adults, secondly all prep schools at the very least will expect children and parents to visit the school, we did, my DS carefully looked at everything. Many senior schools as Gruach said interview like her DS's school DS2's is oversubscribed and they are looking for boys who want to board and will thrive. Few if any parents make the decision to board on a whim, most think long and hard about it as I said above for it to work you have to believe the advantages of not having your children at home have to significantly out weight the joys of having them at home and them being constantly part of their nuclear family.
I find it interesting that many criticise my choice, I personally believe it's babies/little children that should be at home with mum, and that we send children off to nursery/school at too young age, although I understand why working mums do, yet I'm assuming those sections of MN don't attract the kind of criticism that boarding attracts. in fact I was frequently criticised for being a SAHM.

It seems that deviating of the norm attracts this sort of thing which I find rather sad. Parenting is not easy we should support each other and we should be tolerant of other even if they're different to you and encourage tolerance in our children (boarding school children quickly learn these essential life skills very quickly).

I'm not a fan of younger children boarding, but some families need to do it.

Ie if you live on a farm 3 hours drive from the nearest school (common reason here for boarding) or you are in a job that makes school pick ups difficult (surgeon in an emergency ward). It's not always simple and the op didn't give her reasons.

Besides if a parent is just couldnt be bothered, the kid is probably better off being provided for in a boarding school right? Better than being neglected at home.

Haven't looked at this since Friday: I did wonder how long it would take for the thread to be hijacked by the anti-boarding lobby. OP do not let them worry you. Most of them have no idea about modern boarding. Your son has a fantastic opportunity and will probably love the whole experience, including boarding.

AndnowitsSeven I'm the mother of a happy, well-adjusted 14 year-old who has been boarding since he was eight. I would love to have him at home the whole time but it's not about me. It's about what is best for him; and that doesn't just mean exam results- he'd probably do better academically at home where I could push and helicopter. He wasn't happy in a pushy London school and his boarding schools have just been so much more fun. He's an only child and needed company his own age. His parents work long hours. Even full boarding he's home for nearly half the year and as I think HG said, boarding makes family time very special, even when they get to the awkward teenage years. He knows very well that by sending him to boarding school we were not "rejecting" him. He knows how loved he is. Children feel rejected when they are rejected. Some rejected children may be boarders but most are not.

Boarding school is not something we chose because there was no other option: we think it offers the best, most rounded and most enjoyable experience. For the avoidance of doubt, neither DH nor I boarded and I have no interest in social climbing.

We are not rich we don't have inherited wealth the fact that we are investing so much of our hard earned money into our dds education is because she's very important and valuable to us. It is a reflection of how much we love her that we are sending her to board.... Definitely not an indication of our neglect!
On another note... It is becoming increasingly common for people who wouldn't ordinarily have boarding children to do do nowadays.
Pastoral care is excellent and the wrap around care is second to none. Many day students stay at school until 8-9 pm with clubs and homework etc so many students if there parents can afford to , prefer to stay as it's easier. If you are 2 working parents it is much more consistent to board than have Many au pairs and sometimes even cheaper!!

Cannot believe the judgment on this thread, my DD attends a day and boarding secondary school in a big city (not UK).

She is a day girl but most of the boarders have boarded because they are off farms where the nearest school is two hours away and it often is a very shitty country school with limited resources. They go home at weekends, at least once a month.

Plus all the boarders have formed fabulous friendships with fellow boarders, they become like sisters.

MissSmiley you seem to have very strong views about things, perhaps you're and educational psychologist, or a general psychologist or a child specialist that is basing your opinions on research and formal understanding on why everyone might decide boarding is for their family? Or perhaps you just have those strong views yourself?

Not everyone has decided to send their children to particular schools for the reasons you may think (was that dance school or special needs or people in the forces then its understandable you said??

I have my reason for choosing a school that will undoubtedly in my opinion based on my research provide a fantastic academic environment, it will also benefit in other ways and yes I am certain that DS and our family will have a great strong family relationship.

Again, I asked how you prepare your child? not have I made a good choice.

why are all these people with no experience of boarding, & no intention of boarding, even opening my thread up? Helpful comments only please. I don't need advice on if i've made the right choice.

One summer evening many years ago when DS2 (still only 7) had been boarding for 2 1/2 terms I rocked up to drop something off for him. It was about 8 30 ish all the children were outside, some were climbing trees, other practicing cricket in the nets, football fans were kicking a ball around some were in the swimming pool side some flopping around on the grass others were playing with one of the staffs long suffering dog some were in the "pet shed" some were singing or practicing their instrument, DS2 who's an avid climber was with a couple of like minded friends seeing who could hang for the longest by a toe nail from the highest rung of the climbing frame (he'd recently returned from the beach) he looked tanned happy and very chilled. He greeted me with a mixture of enthusiasm and a "what are you doing here in my world" and quickly ran back to the climbing frame. Far from feeling guilty Id sent such a young child to boarding school I was left feeling guilty that by pure luck my children have so much and so many have so little. I still feel this today at his boarding school he has so much most have no idea about how wide the gulf of between schools like his and other schools.

very well said happygardening. Ms DS will thrive in the surroundings not just the academics. You are right until you've seen and experienced the benefit that the children can have at being placed at the school that is right for them you can't know the opportunity missed.

My DS had tears of joy in his eyes when we found the school that he is going to in September, tears of joy and for so many reasons.

Helpful comments only ...

But you know that's not how MN works.

And surely it's illuminating for people who have no knowledge of a particular issue to open a thread, lurk or ask a question that broadens their understanding?

Does anyone have any figures on the relative proportions of children progressing to senior boarding from prep schools and state schools? I'm assuming most do go from prep schools as that is their purpose - but I don't know.

Am trying to extend my response to stressedmum about "how you tell a child". The vast majority of the children I currently know of who board started at a boarding prep - so the progression was not unexpected. And they would have wanted to go to the prep.

I imagine it's quite confusing to read about parents whose children board in a different country - but anyone at a UK prep (7/8 to 13) will be at home every two to three weeks, even the foreign boarders have to be taken out for exeats by their guardians. It's really not like a Victorian melodrama.

I'm really interested in seeing how boarding school has changed in the 30 years since I started. I went because my parents lived abroad and we moved every 2-3 years which was very unsettling.

Do even foreign based children have to have exeats Gruach? When I went to school I had no exeats for the first few terms because my guardians didn't do it (let's not get started on why exactly my parents chose those guardians).