Getting DS ready for boarding school, what did you do?

[smilesandsun]

Hi,

I'm trying to prepare ds as best as possible for boarding school. Looking for any sweet ideas to make the transition less stressful.

I'm making a little photo book as a surprise. We're talking about it little and often in a very positive way (which it will be).

what else should I do?

I laughed too when I read 'how do you tell your children'. Our DS badgered us to board for 4 years to board at his prep school. By the time he was 11, and was doing so many extra curricular activities that he was at school for 12 hours two days a week, we went for it.

I don't know any parents of DCs who board who would condone sending or keeping a child at boarding school if they were really unhappy or unsettled in the long term.

We have placed my parents as guardians but they are elderly.
My dh and I will return to the UK to collect my dd every holiday and return her to her home here etc.
It is a requirement .... And of course we want too but we will not visit weekends due to the distance

Yes pixie!

The non UK based parents at "our" prep seemed to live on planes and were at school almost every week but every child in the school has to take the compulsory short leaves. As well as half terms and longer holidays. The boarding staff all go home as well. Everyone needs a rest.

40 years ago I went home every three or four weeks (lived about an hour away). Will wait to see how it works in practice at senior school from September.

Interesting Gruach & upthe, my parents lived literally on the other side of the world, 24 hours on a plane away. I used to fly back for holidays as an unaccompanied minor and half terms were spent with my grandma. We had one exeat per half term, it wasn't rare for kids with families abroad to not have an exeat.

I hope this isn't mean of me but there was a thread a little while ago started by someone proposing to act as guardian to a non UK based child. The poster wanted to be told that it would be fine for the poor child to spend every break with some new school friend. She was rather thoroughly shouted down. (Admittedly we might not have heard the full story.)

Nowadays guardians are as much glued to the side of the pitch and their concert chairs as any parent. Take the children out for Sunday lunch, drop in forgotten items, gossip in the hall, attend Chapel, whatever.

Open any boarding prep website - the emphasis is firmly on fun and welcoming the whole family into the school.

I don't think having a past family background of boarding necessarily helps either way for decisions about sending your own DCs boarding.
I certainly could n't extrapolate from my siblings' experience (good and bad) at boarding school to my own DCs. I could however realise from present day glimpses into the child centred world of boarding schools why so many DCs get so much out of it even if not obviously needed by circumstances. However a loving family does not make a blanket decision that boarding is good for all DCs or bad for all DCs, it has to be based on each DC and, as HappyG phrased it, their holistic needs.
I think close families are n't measured by the amount of time under the same roof but come from being secure in loving relationships and enjoying the company of each other whilst respecting the development of DCs' independent lives.

why are all these people with no experience of boarding, & no intention of boarding, even opening my thread up? Helpful comments only please.

Are you for real? You post a discussion thread that is on view to the whole world, but you only want nice comments that support your agenda - unfortunately it doesn't work like that, unless you start your own secret forum somewhere for pro-boarding invitation only.

You have resurrected a thread that has been inactive for 10 days in order to come on and have a pop!

Assuming this isn't a piss-take, it confirms all the suspicions about the true motives of the anti-boarding lobby so perfectly, it has made me .

housepicture it never ceases to amaze me that people who know nothing about boarding apart from their own unfounded prejudices open up specific threads like this one.
Do you open and comment on other areas that you know nothing about? Or open other very specific threads about other subjects when you can't contribute anything useful? I suspect not. For some weird reason threads about boarding always bring out a group of knee jerk uninformed posters who love to pontificate on a subject they clearly know absoltely nothing about. Those of us who choose to send our children to boarding schools have to read endless tedious comments about how we've irretrievably damaged our children, that we are unable to see this, that are children for the rest of their lives will be unable to form long term relationships with other people and that the any relationship between our children and us as their parents is permanently damaged beyond repair; the implication has to be that we don't love them because no caring loving parents in their right mind would deliberately set out to traumatise their child like this. If we protest that this is not the case we either lack insight and understanding into how damaging boarding and if we give genuine examples of how we know this is not the case we are the exception which proves the rule! We have to endure anecdotal stories of weird BIL's or best friends dysfunctional DH's dreadful experience at their boarding school and how they are now sociopaths. The fact that most dysfunctional individuals have never even put a toe in a boarding school us completely ignored.
I receive quite a few PM s thanking me for my advise and support primarily about boarding and Im always delighted that I have been able to do this. In this world which we live in where bad news sells, where there are many people living in abject poverty, in war zones, where many are struggling with ill health, where children in countries like Syria don't receive any education and persecution is rife, where people are literally fleeing for their lives but we are so cold hearted that we want to turn them away and send them back to a life of misery, I think it great that we have on here the opportunity to reach out a virtual hand to a complete stranger and give constructive help and advise. That for me is the pleasure and joy of MN. If you get pleasure from posting or reading snippy negative comments on boarding then can I suggest that you look long and hard at yourself and ask who is the dysfunctional one here?

So you are only allowed an opinion if you have direct experience of boarding school?

Mumsnet (and most conversations) wouldn't exist if people only had opinions about things in their own direct experience.

I have opinions, like most people, about all sorts of things, based on what I read, hear and see. If we couldn't form an opinion about something without first experiencing it then we wouldn't be able to make any decisions.

No of course everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But please tell me what is the point of coming onto such a specific thread and posting these anti boarding comments? I very much doubt that anyone knows the OP, her situation her DS, or the school she's chosen. She did not title this thread Is boarding a good idea? Or Would you send you DS to a boarding school? Please feel free to start this debate on a new thread if you wish although it has been done to death already. It's pretty obvious she's made her decision, let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's thought through her decision quite carefully, her DS is going so why post anti boarding comments? It's seems to me to be a thoroughly mean and unpleasant thing to do and dare I say it I suspect it smacks of jealousy because let's face it boarding is associated (righty in the vast majority of cases) with money and privilege.
This is not the hideous uncivilised AIBU section which I personally avoid like the plague, where people seem to get great pleasure in attacking an OP, this is the education section, fur flies occasionally but generally I think most people offer genuine and very knowledgable advise, one only has to read the endless advise offered by those who are knowledgable about appeals to see this or perhaps you should look at the other current boarding thread. Parents with lots of experience of boarding offering parents who are new to it lots of help and support. As I said above this is what makes MN so good.

I came to this thread because it showed up in the active comments. I wouldn't have gone looking for it but having read the OP I don't think it's unfair to observe that boarding school for a preteen is cruel and a complete relinquishment of parental responsibility.

caravanista You say you've read the OP. Have you read the rest of the thread?

It isn't at all unfair to state your opinion but it would be unfair of me not to suggest that maybe, maybe your opinion is not based on the completely current experience of families with children boarding now. A few of them have responded here. Are you more enamoured of your entrenched opinion than you are of finding out?

You are, of course, perfectly at liberty to come on a thread on a public forum to make unkind comments based on 20 year out-of-date or zero experience, but you must be prepared for people, who genuinely want to help the OP, to question your motives and to suggest that you go away and do something more worthwhile instead!

"I don't think it's unfair to observe that boarding school for a pre teen is cruel and a complete relinquishment of parental responsibilities"
As I said above you are entitled to your own opinion but I am interested to know on what do you base this opinion on? How many current pre teens do you know at boarding school? How may teens do you personally know who boarded as pre teens? are you basing you opinions on actual experience or on a knee jerk reaction? How many parents of teens do you know are they so very obviously relinquishing their parental responsibilities? Over the years my parenting skills have occasionally been criticised but thats never been thrown at me!! Do you also think that those who put babies and small children in nurseries full time are relinquishing their responsibilities? Or what about those who leave pre teens with au pairs for 10-12 hours a day whilst they work are they relinquishing their responsibilities? Or perhaps those who can't wait to send three and four year old off to full time school and who attend pre/after school clubs every morning/evening?
Aren't you applying your values onto a complete stranger? Assuming that you're parenting is better because you don't do agree with what they are doing?
Also you say you came onto this thread because it showed up in active comments have you taken time to read the comments posted by myself and others who have many years experience of boarding, did you just dismiss out of hand our comments about happy well adjusted DC's who have excellent relationships with their parents? Or are you simply assuming that we are delusional? You don't have to look far on MN to find children of all ages with significant problems; mental health problems, school refusers, dysfunctional unhappy families etc. how many of those children are or were at boarding school? Very few I suspect.
Not once have I ever suggested that boarding works for all, but over the years I have observed hundreds if not thousands of children of all ages who board the vast majority appear and happy well adjusted, they have similar relationships with their parents that you would find if you compared them to the same number of day children. Just like children who don't board many have excellent relationships, of course sadly others don't but as easy as it is to put being at a boarding school at the heart of this generally in my professional experience this is not the case in fact many boarding children who are unhappy at home love being at boarding school. Parents of both day children and boarders behave badly, they do the wrong things or they make the wrong decisions, often not intentionally, dreadful things happen that are outside of the control of parents and children. It is sadly inevitable that out children are affected. Being a parent is in my opinion a difficult job, the vast majority of parents are desperately trying to do the "right thing" in their individual circumstances, they love their children, pure and simple, many agonise for days/weeks over their decisions both large and small. If you choose a different route to the vast majority it doesn't mean that route you have chosen is either a better or a worse one it's just a different one and hopefully it will work for you as a parent and your children.

Many youngsters board as their families are in the Armed Forces and constantly on the move. Thus boarding provides stability instead of endlessly changing schools.

No experience of boarding myself but I have a friend whose parents were both in the army, boarding school meant consistency for him, the same friends teachers, house parents etc. Children who frequently change schools due to parents having to move seem to suffer a lot. I can see why boarding makes sense in these situations.

I am packing my 13 year old who starts in boarding school next week as well. Most schools won't let them out on the first weekend so it will be 2 solid weeks. Filling his tuck box with little personal treasures that only mean something to him. Feeling a bit sentimental - he is the baby and youngest of 5. But, from experience, don't panic - you will have plenty of opportunities to add what's missing. Just asked my DS if he wanted to take his bear with him - "Probably not, no!" .. Reminded me of the same conversation wih his much older brother. I remember arriving at school , going to his dorm and seeing other boys unpacking their bears....The bear was reinstalled and spent his entire school time with him. He then went to uni with my DS1, then moved to London , then to US.. Other boys brought their toy knights, soldiers, whatever they were into. And other boys respected it.

For those anti-boarding school posters - I agree with happygardenng, you probably have no direct experience in what it is like. Boarding schools are very expensive and are not an option for many parents. I find it is usually people who don't have this option available to them are the "I would never send my child away therefore I am a good parent and you can't be arsed to look after your kid ".

In my case, both boys won major scholarships and their fees are heavily subsidized by bursaries. I could never give them opportunities and experiences they get in boarding schools.
Ds1 is in his late 20th - he had the best childhood possible, got fantastic education and social skills. He is very much the part of the close family but very successful and independent young man. Out all the carrier choices he had open to him, he chose not the best paid , but the most ethically acceptable to him. He makes a real difference to lots of people in what he does and I admire him for that.
He did make friends for life at school and the time we did spend together
on holidays, leave away weekends etc, was really top quality family time.

DS2 is really looking forward to start at his school next week. Doesn't stop me from feeling a bit ..He will probably end up with more unhealthy treats than it is good for him.

Lovely post Snakes.

Good luck to your DS snakes, I'm sure he will have a great time. Don't forget to plan a treat for yourself too, to cheer yourself up a bit for the first week or two without him .

Boarding schools are very expensive and are not an option for many parents. I find it is usually people who don't have this option available to them are the "I would never send my child away therefore I am a good parent and you can't be arsed to look after your kid ".

I'm in the live and let live camp, but I think that's a wild generalisation. I went to boarding school myself, it was OK, but with hindsight it was a waste of money and I don't understand why my parents didn't just send me to the local school. I would never contemplate sending my children to be looked after by strangers for 38 weeks a year, and that had nothing whatsoever to do with the finances.

Not sharing my child's life in an intimate daily basis is incomprehensible to me. It would feel intrinsically wrong on so many levels. Basically an awful lot of the pleasure and shine in my life would disappear if I didn't live with my child.

There were some boarders at my school. Some as young as 8/9. What tended to happen was the boarding children tried to form intense relationships with the older girls higher up the school.

New boarders were forlorn for weeks and months. Most of them finally adapted and became hardened to it. Not a very cheerful or warming experience for any child to be honest.

I'm still in touch with a few of them. They have a fairly detached relationship with their parents. But I guess this doesn't bother their parents over much, as they weren't overly concerned about being that close to their child when they were growing up.

Interestingly none of them have sent their own children to boarding school.

People say that 'boarding school gives so many wonderful opportunities and experiences'. I doubt it can ever compare to the wonderful experience of growing up in a home with loving parents who make their child an important part of their daily lives?

On the other hand, if some parents genuinely believe that paid strangers in an institutions can do a superior job of raising their own child, then probably a boarding school is the best place for the child. Because their home life with parents who weren't prepared to put their heart and soul into parenting (or at the very least make some effort day to day) would probably have been worse than boarding.

At least the teachers and house mothers/fathers are paid to show an interest in the children and act in their best interests. If a child has never known what it feels like to have a parent who is so bonded with them that they couldn't contemplate not sharing their childhood, then the child will never miss it. Paid gestures of affection and funded displays of interest and commitment from the boarding school staff will probably seem like the genuine real thing to the child. Because they will never have known the genuine real thing.

And to add, we could have afforded boarding school. But emotionally we could never have afforded it.

And there simply isn't a big enough treat invented that could compensate me for not sharing my life with my child on a daily basis.

What I feel for my children is incredibly intense, almost primeval at times. This feeling is hard wired and cannot be conveniently switched off. I certainly can't be distracted from this feeling by a nice new hand bag or a spa weekend.

The love and bond I have with my children is beyond price.