Would you spend everything you had to educate your children privately or settle for a perfectly OK state school (at secondary level)?

[Enid]

dh and I having this discussion atm

when i say everything it would mean me working full time, no holidays etc

interested to hear mumsnet's take on it

"full of tory boys and bitchy girls who felt that poor people obviously weren't trying hard enough.
Also huge amounts of class A drugs being consumed by bored rich kids."

Hahaha that sums up my school exactly. I won't be considering private school, but we'll move to find a decent secondary school, preferably a grammar.

Dh went to the local comprehensive, of which my PIL took a very dim view. BIL got an assisted place at a public school, which PIL rave about. Both are very bright. They got the same A level results, both went to "top" universities, both got the same class of degree. BIL earns more now, but that's because he works in London in finance and dh is an engineer. PIL accounts of dh'd school experience do not tally with his. They say he was bored, he wasn't stretched, but he maintains he was. Their memories seem to be influenced by the need to justify the money they spent on BIL.

And I would like to point out that it is fairly unusual to have mixed ability sets at GCSE level, as one poster has described. That must be a nightmare. I have always taught in ability grouped sets, and like to think I have stretched the brightest, and I don't mean just helping htem get an A*, but encouraging and developing their interest in and understanding of science proper, not just science GCSE. In a state school.

was stretched that is, not bored

And greensleeves. What happens if one or more ds doesn't make it into the grammar? In a town with grammar schools, the others may call themselves comprehensives, but they're not!

Message withdrawn

What does dh think, bloss?

Message withdrawn

bloss you have to be talking in terms of money and not principles when you talk about people being 'willing to pay'

willing and able are two different things; in both your posts you have mentioned this 'willing to pay' issue as if it is a measure of a parents' ambition for their children

I do believe that my children should learn all the things that you state. But I believe that myself and dh should also be one of the formative influences in addition to education. I certainly don't expect school to provide everything - if I did I would be sending to a boarding school like some of my relatives

and with regard to the level of disposable income, this is a thread entitled would you spend everything you had to educate your child privately, not 'would you give up some little extras in order to do it'

the OP was talking about choosing between a decent state and a private education. I went to a really crap state school and looking back, if someone had given my mother a whole load of cash and said 'do the best for your child' I honestly wouldn't want her to have changed my education

I would have wanted her to work less hours so she could have helped with my homework. I would have wanted her to take me to do things at the weekends and in holidays. I remember her taking me to Paris once when I was little - god knows how she afforded it - to show me the Louvre

and that's one of my greatest memories. She was trying to broaden my horizons and expectations in exactly the way you describe. And with a bit of extra money I believe she would have been able to do it far better than any formal education

State, state, state every time... for most kids in most environments it is the best choice.

If i had gone to a private school I would have gone totally off the rails, as opposed to just partly off the rails as I did at a state school.

becky (I realise things have moved on, but wanted to reply to the question) - if they don't get into the grammar (which they may very well not, there's only one decent one down here and it's very selective) then we will try to send them to the best ordinary state school we can find, and support them and their school as much as possible.

I agree with things bloss says about what you might choose in education. Exam results in the top 20 schools in the country on league tables were just my starting point. I want confident children who aer in a class with children with their kind of IQ level who will all go to good universities. I want children educated in the broadest sense, both morally and in terms of a wide range of hobbies and experiences. Obviously we do a lot of that at home with children but it's good if the school helps particularly when they are teenagers and their peer become more important. I want children who speak with my accent etc (sorry no one has said it and may not matter to most people but it does to me - I can now be drummed off for snobbery). I want an atomosphere of excellence. I love beautiful school grounds, old buildings, lakes, fields, classical music, other parents I know and like. I want the children to fulfil their greatest potential and believe there is virtually nothing they can't achieve if they want it - whether it's to join a monastery in Yorkshire or lead Britain. I think that confidence is something quite a few people point out as an advantage of some fee paying schools. I also want them to feel they can mix socially with anyone and I like the network of friends they've gained via their schools.

I'd go to the state school. Everyone needs a break,so going without any ho;idays would not be good. Well I know I need holidays!

Have I posted on this one yet? Enid, opt for the state school. As QPH says, if it doesn't work out you can switch. I reckon.

Mind you I slightly shudder at the thought that the Inferiority Complex is the greatest influence on my children's lives. That's them buggered then.

I don't get the bit about kids spending more of their waking hours at school than anywhere else. 09:00 until 15:30 = 6.5 hours x 5 = 32.5 per week. Assume a child sleeps 7 til 7 (which is generous, only applicable in earlier years) - waking hours outside of school = 24 at weekend and (5.5 x 5 =) 27.5 in the week ie 51.5. I know I'm nit-picking but that#s misleading.

I say this on all these threads. DP's sister sends her kids to private school costing 18,000 a year. Her husband had a breakdown and his business went to the wall. No money now for private school. Who pays now? DP's elderly parents who do not even own their own house. They cannot afford it and are using their few savings to pay for this because this daughter cannot deal with the prospect of taking them out of private school. What kinda life lesson is that to teach a kid?

She is terrified of her kids going to state school and she lives in a very nice area where the state schools are fine.

I would consider private if kids had special needs or something like that.

I say this on all these threads. DP's sister sends her kids to private school costing 18,000 a year. Her husband had a breakdown and his business went to the wall. No money now for private school. Who pays now? DP's elderly parents who do not even own their own house. They cannot afford it and are using their few savings to pay for this because this daughter cannot deal with the prospect of taking them out of private school. What kinda life lesson is that to teach a kid?

She is terrified of her kids going to state school and she lives in a very nice area where the state schools are fine.

I would consider private if kids had special needs or something like that.

Oh sorry Xenia - I want to like my kids which is one of the reason that I want to send them to a state school. The same reason as you, but from the other angle.

I have met a lot of privately educated kids in my time - through sixth form college, Edinburgh university and being a city lawyer. But actually a very small proportion of them ended up as my friends.

Maybe that's my prejudices, but as a rule I have found them narrow minded and superior. What you call confidence comes across as arrogance. They tend to hunt in packs as they are more confident when mixing with their own kind. Hence the proliferation of old school networks and clubs.

(Rhuby has her mouth gaffa taped and hands tied so she cannot get to the keyboard)

I can't understand why people generalise so much about private schools, as though they are nearly all superior. I went to an academic private school and although I would have loved to be intellectually stretched and challenged it just never happened- a whole load of completely ininspiring and boring teachers. The odd gem, but mostly dire. They got their reputation, and maintained it, by being selective- get intelligent kids in there in the first place and there's no need to be much good, you can just sit back complacently and wait for the As to pour out.

We have chosen state- I did agonise about it, can't pretend I didn't, and we could have afforded it quite easily, but I am so glad about the choice we made. Cappuccino, for what it's worth, there are large numbers of highly academic parents there who want the best for their children but who believe in the state system. Of course we are very lucky because it's quite a good state school, and I am not enough of a hypocrite to make out that we would always have made that choice if we lived in the catchment area for a sink school, but still.

I was going to say that earlier, Tinker, but I couldn't be bothered to do the maths.

I think the state schoolers have won this argument

Message withdrawn

I first read this thread yesterday and haven't read all the posts since so apologise if this has been said before. A very early poster pointed out that parents who sacrifice everything to send their children to private school put terrible pressure upon their children. This struck such a chord with me. From the age of 10 my brother and I were sent to private school. There were a number of very high achieving state schools in our town, however my parents felt that a private school would be "better" (socially as well as academically) and that we would get further in life. We both qualified for financial assistance because we were bright and good for the stats of the schools we attended, however my parents still had to make a contribution that was, for them, crippling.
There were no extras and, at times, few of the essentials. A family car, holidays, fun days out were completely out of the question. My mum had to have two jobs, my dad worked all the overtime he could and they could still barely afford to pay the bills. Our house was almost repossessed (we had to sell and move into a smaller place in a crappier neighbourhood), the phone got cut off, Mum had to buy all the marked down food in the supermarket. And all the time my brother and I were acutely aware that this was all for our benefit.
Someone mentioned all the extras at school too. We couldn't afford these, and stuck out like sore thumbs. We were the Poor Kids. Children can be really cruel.
My brother and I got good exam results but, my God, the cost. The pressure to justify this sacrifice was immense, overwhelming, and was a major factor in my first bout of depression when I was 15. My brother escaped into a world of addiction from which he has not returned. He is now 30 and a builder's labourer with 5 grade A Highers. So that was worth it then (not).
The biggest factor in your children's success at school is YOU. If the state school is OK and they have interested, involved parents, they will be fine.
Sorry this is long, Enid. Well done if you have bothered to read this far. Actually, it's been kind of cathartic to get this out. Not the sort of opinion I can share with my parents!!!