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why are some women content to do all the housework?

1143 replies

honeydew · 10/07/2006 01:31

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

OP posts:
kittywits · 17/07/2006 14:41

Yeah, those sorts of things. I'm a big girl too, as are we all and I've been there and done that. Dp likes to be a 'buffer' for some stresses and somehow I don't feel an overwhelming urge to say "no please, in order to prove myself I want to suffer these stresses full on" a bit like my stance on paid help if you can afford it have it. I don't need to prove I can do things.
Dp likes to do it, I like to have that. For me and him it's a win ,win situation.

Beatie · 17/07/2006 14:43

But hwta about self-respect and gaining respect from others Kitty.

kittywits · 17/07/2006 14:46

no Beatie, you "should" have only as many children as your particular situation will allow. We choose to have more children BECAUSE we had the means to support that decision. If we couldn't have coped financially and didn't have that support available to allow us to have them and Still have a quality of life we wouldn't have had so many. People can have as many children as they want, they must decide if they can support that decision and only they can know that.

Tortington · 17/07/2006 14:48

i have a big strong fella and i am not afraid to say i love the overwhelming masculinity that he is.

but as we both work we both pitch in. seems fair enough

Tortington · 17/07/2006 14:48

we had twins - you dont plan for twins

Tortington · 17/07/2006 14:51

i dont like the inference that you should have children if its financially viable.

i know many fantastic parents who recieve benefits - and of course through circumstances many do not work and are at home all day with kids or whilst kids are at school

kittywits · 17/07/2006 14:56

VC, I'll just cut & paste my last sentence, "People can have as many children as they want, they must decide if they can support that decision and only they can know that. "

FairyMum · 17/07/2006 15:00

Going back lots and lots of posts a lot of sahms said they felt undervalued. What sort of value or contributions do you make to society or is this not important to you? Is your role purely to support your children and DH?

FloatingOnTheMed · 17/07/2006 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Beatie · 17/07/2006 15:12

Then I cannot win in your eyes Kitty. I cannot afford to pay for extra help in the house. I have 2 children. I am a SAHM. And according to you I don't have a right to expect DH to help out in the evenings and weekends (or [shock cook at a dinner party) because that makes him henpecked/emasculated/odd in your eyes. Not a very tolerant stance.

MadamePlatypus · 17/07/2006 15:13

KW, as far as I can see the thing that protects you from the stresses and strains of everyday life is money, not your husband's manliness.

Tortington · 17/07/2006 15:13

fairy mum that not fair - bringing up children is the most important role.

with regards my comment - i did say infer. and you can copy and paste all you want sweetie it still infers it

FairyMum · 17/07/2006 15:14

I am suprised Mr KW let Mrs KW trouble her pretty little head with this thread (said tongue in cheek and not in a nasty way bth). I do wonder though KW, if you and Mr KW are perhaps people who get quite easily stressed and flustered and so both need protection and looking after?

FloatingOnTheMed · 17/07/2006 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 17/07/2006 15:17

think this is turning a bit too lynch mob for my liking and i am trying to be as fair as i can.

my husband doesnt let me trouble my pretty little head with some things - this is becuase i would have a melt down. i am imply unable to cope in some areas and he is mentally more able to shoulder the responsability. but this is when things get tough. on a day to day level we talk about things. there is a point where i can't take it and he takes the burden. and i love his strength in that regards

FairyMum · 17/07/2006 15:18

Yes Custardo , but looking back on this thread the value of sahms to society was discussed. And I think it was largely agreed by most posters that sahm or wohm, it is important for most people to be part of something bigger than just their own household. KW sounds like someone out of a jane Austin novel and mr KW the typical "don't you trouble your pretty little head with this". I think you have missed some posts you see!

Tortington · 17/07/2006 15:21

iwth 1068 i should hope i have

MadamePlatypus · 17/07/2006 15:24

Do you think maybe it would be a good idea to call it a day on this thread, and if somebody thinks there are questions still to be raised, start a new thread? We are going round in circles a bit.

FloatingOnTheMed · 17/07/2006 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloatingOnTheMed · 17/07/2006 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blackandwhitecat · 17/07/2006 15:49

Just wondering exactly HOW your DP protects you from 'the world, its nastiness and stresses' esp when he works 12 hour days and esp when he doesn't contribute to housework and not hugely to childcare.

puddle · 17/07/2006 15:53

Isn't Kittywits just referring to the way you feel when you're in a good relationship? Where you support and nurture each other? ie the caring and protected thing probably cuts both ways but she feels it as a masculine thing her dh provides whereas he sees it as a feminine and nurturing thing?

Given that they see their roles as polarised in this way?

kittywits · 17/07/2006 16:51

But Beatie, I don't give two hoots about what other people do or don't do. I am not saying any of those things about what YOU should or shouldn't do. I didn't realise that this was a competition where there were winers and loosers. We are just debating. If you can afford to have lots of kids and paid help what's wrong with that? It doesn;t make anyone eles a bad person or you a better one.

VC are you advocating then that people live outside their means? Ive no doubt that you know people on benefits who are fab mums, why shouldn't they be? Take this senario then.
A person is on benefits for whatever reason. They have two children and are able to give them what they need to be happy and secure. However, they cannot afford three children. Do they have a third? How do they support themselves and that extra person both on a finacial and pastoral basis? Are you saying they should just go ahead and have as many children and hang the consequences of that decision? I know plenty of people would would love to have more children than they have. Thay haven't for these main reasons:
They can't afford it

They haven't got the space

They haven't got the support network they would need in order to give them a decent quality of life ( for whatever reason)

I have nevr heard them blame anyone else for their own decision making or the fact that they cannot have as many children as they would like.

fairymum. imo the contribution I make is by bringing up my children to make a positive impact on this world. That's not exclusive to a SAHM. No doubt someone won't be bothered to read that bit though. What contribution do you make? Do you only make a contribution if you are working? Is that what you are saying?

Floating. I would do the housework and he would do the blokey stuff, fixing, finances, that sort of stuff. I am quite capeable of doing that, just I am better at what I do and he is better at what he does.

MP Both do

Fairymum ha ha, v. funny. Do you think I would be on here for years in such a generally calm manner if that were the case?!! And who are you to make judgments on the worth of someone's existence? That's a mighty lofty position to hold. What's wrong with being like a Jane Austen heroine. You are applying YOUR views and principals to MY life. It's not your life it's mine

Floating I do know all about the finances. I have discuussed this in detail a couple of days ago.

Thanks puddle.

BTW everyone I do not atall feel attacked by you. Sometimes I get really p*ed off by the tone and language used but other than that it's fine by me. I don't have anything to defend. The thing about this thread is that it does go in circles from time to time, usually because I keep answering the same questions, but it also shifts. If you like I can throw in another one of my contoversial and unfashionable takes on life if you feel it needs livening up a bit! Someone else could start another one and I can chip in, always guaranteed to shake things up. I don't mind. I don't do it for fun or to goad.

MadamePlatypus · 17/07/2006 16:58

OK, KW, so he is protecting you from the unspecified stresses and strains of life (not sure what they are, but there has to be more to it than tube travel) with his indefinable aura. Got it.

MadamePlatypus · 17/07/2006 16:59

Forgot to say, I have a conspiracy theory that the two felins, BAWC and KW are actually the same person...

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