why are some women content to do all the housework?

[honeydew]

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

Kittywits, please tell me you're joking, right?

no

So you really really really let your bloke take absolutely every decision to do with your financial life and he never ever ever does any housework or childcare except bathtime at all?

fairymum - all that time as a WOHM that i used to spend shaving my chest - now i dont have to !!! hurrah , just think, i could use the time to do extra housework....

Yes because he is MUCH MUCH better than me. It's not to say that I am ignorant as to how stuff works, he just deals with it and does a really fab job. He doesn't do house work. he has set up a situation so that I can employ someone to help me with the house and kids and they are SO much better at it than he could ever be.
He IS very involved with the children. He is around during the day so that the little ones see him far more often than most children see fathers who work out of home. He can therefore have interactions with thm all the time. We do stuff together as a family and I feel fully supported by him. I do do 90% of the childcare, yes. We have agreed that together. It is NOT as someone said earlier that he CHOSE to do this and that and I CHOSE to let him. We are adults who very much respect each others' strengtts and the benefits we can bring to our family by utilising them.

KW - has he really set it up to employ someone to help you so he doesn't have to?

you are CHOOSING by the way - nothing wrong with you CHOOSING who does what but it is all a CHOICE

Well cleaninglady, I feel sad for you not being able to chest-shave anymore. I really do

Subtly different to what you said earlier Cleaning Lady, "apologies kittywits but your dp CHOOSES not to change nappies and you CHOOSE to accept that". I agree with your current version.

I am Happy with my choices. I have someone come to help for 3 hours 5 days a week and I do the rest.
Our choices have allowed us to have a pretty comfortable lifestyle and bring up 5 small children so far and I wouldn't want to change it for a bloke who does cleaning and changes nappies thankyou!

its okay fairymum - those ingrown hairs were a bugger...... must go and eat chocolate to attempt to pile on the pounds

what? how is that subtly different - he does choose not to change nappies and you do choose to accept that - its all choice is it not? maybe its late and im tired but seems like the two statements meant the same?

Kittywits, I think the reason people are so ficusing on nappies on this thread is that your situation is so extreme. It's not just that yoiu change 95% of the nappies in the house, but you are actually saying that in the event of an alien invation and you were abducted by aliens, your DH would have to call your mum out? Let's say there was a curfew. The government has decided noone is allowed to leave their homes. Your DH had just seen you abducted by aliens, he could not call out an alternative nappy-changer and one of your children had just did a poo. Is this a scenario you have discussed with him?

ROFL at aliens!!

It does seem a bit extreme kittywits but not criticising you for it just interested in why/how?

my bedtime i'm afraid girls - thanks for the entertainment

Kittiwit did say earlier that in an emergency he would.

I just think that looking after your own kids on your own, is not really most people's idea of an emergency. Takes all sorts eh?

Here on planet Platypus I think its quite sensible to prepare for likely eventualities like the fact that DH and I probably won't pop our clogs in bed with perfect health on the same day and that one of us will survive the other. I would rather that neither I or DH were having to learn about finance at the same time as having to cope with a traumatic situation. However, horses for courses I suppose.

The odd thing here though is that kittywits is obviously a very shrewd and tough cookie. So I am actually sure she personally would make out okay. Her response on finances, eg, shows she knows just where the bread's buttered (and contrary to what she said before, clearly thinks about it quite a bit).

It is the fact that the cosy picture she paints is the one that is so grimly convenient (and, sadly, powerful) for those who are invested in Keeping Women In Their Place (surrendered wife movements, fundamentalisms, etc.) and so it just has a nasty resonance - for me, anyway. Call me an old hippy feminist.

Fotm :The kids have a great and involved relationship with their dad. He is not an absent father atall. He doesn't do housework or change nappies that is all. he is not a distant, cold man. He is physically and emotionally loving and supportive with the children. I have already said that he DOES take care of them on his own from time to time. My children have ALOT of adults around them who love and care for them;
they have a grandmaother who lives down the road and another who live in our house ( in a separate bit i hasten to add!) They have a mother AND father who are around both during the day and evening. What more could they want?

Bink- you are an old hippy feminist!!

That's alright

I also cook dp and ds1 a full english every morning, doesn't take long, I've got it down to a fine art.
I'm not a submissive person though,bit too assertive for my own good sometimes! night x

Kittywits - all credit to you - I'd eat my own eyeballs before living the way you do

Kittywits, I am intrigued by your choices - as you must know they come over as extreme ones. I can see they make you happy and accept that they work for you.

But at lot of your system depends on money doesn't it? As you say, for instance - " he has set up a situation so that I can employ someone to help me with the house and kids and they are SO much better at it than he could ever be"

You admire your dh for being such a good provider to your family, I think - that comes across in your messages very strongly.

So, what would happen if your dh suddenly stops being such an excellent provider - he goes bankrupt for instance - would you reassess your view of him as a person and his role in the family?

Let's say he cannot provide you with the means to pay childcarers and cleaners etc. He is still the same lovely husband, still works as hard, but business is going through a bad patch. Would you then expect him to take on more of the nappy changing, hoovering dutites - as it not, you would be doing all this single handed for your 5 children? If he was working intense long hours, would you start to feel resentful if he did not help you more with childcare?

And if he did do more nappy changing and housework, would you feel he was emasculated and stop fancying him?

It seems to me your present system is based on money - not saying this is good or bad. But does moneay alsoo reflects on how you view your dh?

Would you still be happy with the non nappychanging status quo, and still think as highly of your dh, if you couldn't afford to pay for extra support?

Hi Tigermoth, hi Soapbox, Kittywits has gone to bed and it's Mr. Kittywits here: Thanks for your intelligent questions, I'm sure Kitty will write in the morning but I can answer a couple: It's extraordinarily unlikely that I'll go bankrupt but if it does happen then yes, I'm very happy to change nappies and everything else that goes with child rearing (can't breastfeed though). Everyone seems to think that we're into gender stereotyping but we're not, it's about division of labour; it's a process that all couples have to go through. We divide our workload one way, others divide theirs another, our arrangement seems to work rather well.

To reply to Soapbox's comment: you have no idea how Kittywits lives, no clue. You might like to ask her before you comment.

Finally I'd like to mention that I picked up two of our children from nursery at 12 o'clock today and I had dinner with Kittywits and all the children at 5 o'clock. For all out there who care to criticise, does your dp or dh do this every day?