why are some women content to do all the housework?

[honeydew]

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

Going way back to the OP though. I think that while there can't be a huge amount of women who are 'content' to do all the house-work, there are a lot of women who mystify the process and criticise their men's attempts to help with house and sometimes kids so men are put off. I know a lot of women who explain this away by saying 'oh it takes him so long that I might as well ...' or 'it's better if I just to it myself' but I wonder if there's more to it that that. Does anyone think some of us are guilty of criticising mens' attempts to help with 'women's work' to prove how brilliant and indispensable we are?

I also think the whole giving birth in hospital process has a lot to answer for. Men are not encouraged to get involved in pregnancy, birth and child-care from the beginning. I was in a right state after the birth of my first child and was really quite traumatised when they sent dp home. I'll never forget how awful that was for both of us. And if you're in hospital for a while by the time dp gets his hands on the baby you're already on the way to being an expert and he already feels like a clumsy beginner who doesn't know what to do... Opinions please.

I shall be here all night!
BAWC I never said a man looking after kids was unattractive. I find a man unattractive who does all the house work stuff. You stopped at 2 because of nappies and sleepless nights. that is with your sysem. With our system we ahve been able to carry on ahveing as many kids as we want beacause allowing Dp to work and bring in the cash has meant that I have the infrastructure to do so.. What's wrong with my kids wanting to be like me any more than your kids like you. i think our parenting model is great and i wouldn't mind if they wanted to be like that
I NEVER said he could pick and chose and only do the nice bits. We chose TOGETHER what we would do. We BOTH do nice and ugly bits of parenting

Tinker- if I was dying in the middle of the night of course DP would do it. However, that would be an exception. Luckily in all my years of parenting that I have never needed that. never .

fairy mum- he works from home, i see the stress and pressure he's under and i see the results he gets for the work he does. To acheive what he does he has to work b*dy hard.

Cleaning lady. i never said he picks and choose , show me where I said that? WE CHOOSE TOGETHER, TOGETHER, TOGETHER. I know you all find that hard to believe, but it's true. i chose this way of living and i am happy with it!!
Too right your DP wouldn't change nappies if he could get away with it.

With our one parent nappy changing routine i can safely say that none of my kids have sat in poo, getting sore bums whilst i tried to pretend i hadn't noticed so that Dp would do it and he's of course never done the sam.
I am aware that there are points I haven't addressed. Not that I can't deal with them confidently, but there are so many and I don't have enough time.

I think the real issues are:

1. I find men who do lots of house work a bit wimpy and not manly, not my cup of tea
2. No one can beleive that Dp and I have chosen to live the way we do. It hasn't evolved with him promising the earth and me becoming more and more put upon. We chose our roles and jobs, sharing both the good and bad bits.

FloatingontheMed I agree with you and that it really depends on what stage you're at. Even though it should be easier/easy with 1 if that 1 is your first then it really isn't for example. And I always think having twins must be a nightmare for the first 2-3 yrs but after that it must be easier than having 2 at 2 very different stages of development. I often say I go to work (3 days a wk) for a break and although I think I have a stressful and demanding job at least I get to finish a cup of tea and talk to people my age and young adults about things I want to and I don't have to think about someone else's needs every second of the day includign when I go to the toilet. I actually have come to love my drive to work because it's one of the few times I have where it's silent.

I think I had a good hospital experience (quite straightforward, not there for very long) DH was shown how to dress DS and put a nappy on him before I was.

Floating on the med I agree with you. Looking after kids is really hard wotk, but in a different way. It's the long haul flight senario. We ALL need to be appreciated for the work we do instead of fighting over who has worked hardest.

bawc - the odd poo is all part of being a family with regards to your other post you have a point about maybe some sahm "mistify" the process - maybe its so they can feel in control and in charge of something? im a sahm but had a busy stressful career for 10 tens prior but must admit i sometimes feel i have to justify being at home and what i do - plus i have slight ocd about cleaning and tidying so anyone else woudl never do it well enough that said i do actively encourage dh to do his share and he certainly steps upto the mark!

I think a lot can be said for increasing paternity leave. I think it's important to have the experience of going to work after having been woken up a few times in the night and then coming home to little chatterboxes. And I think it's important to have the experience of being at home with the children all day. For me it definatly goes back to sharing. I cannot imagine my world being so totally different from DH's world as described in some of the posts here.

apologies kittywits but your dp CHOOSES not to change nappies and you CHOOSE to accept that

Hmm I think that might be true of the older generation bawc but not sure if it's true now. I just think that lots of women get so pissed off with men who have a passive resistance to doing housework properly, that they do it themselves because it genuinely is easier, quicker and leads to both of htem being able to enjoy more of each other's company.

Having said that, it wouldn't suit me. Far from enjoying more of his company, I'd want to murder someone who valued me so little, that he was content to allow me to use my energy and time doing stuff he should in fairness be doing himself; but I suppose that's my uncompromising nature.

BAWC you are not wrong there about making the ceaning seem harder than it is in some ways. I did this for years. I have been with dh 11 years and I think it wasn't really until the last year DH has actively done that much cleaning. Basically two things happened. He had a term off from working, so was a SAHD and I decided to let my standards drop - dramatically!!

Now he will SEE what needs doing, and I think this is the key. The man often doesn;t actually see what needs doing. Now at the weekends I will say I really want to do XYZ (inc cleaning) and we will kind of divide the jobs.

I am quite shocked, not about the nappy stuff as that's a single issue that's being hyped - but really quite shocked that an adult, and apparently educated, woman can be publicly complacent that she need never think about "finance, mortgages" etc.

Sounds like the attitude that said "oh, no, not the vote, we wouldn't know what do with it, would we?"

[exits]

Think you're right cleaninglady but it's not specific to SAHMs or even mums (the he can never do the house-work and sometimes child-care as well as I can thing). I have long suspected it's something to do with needing to be in control of the house (because we feel a lack of control in the public sphere?) and needing to feel wanted and indispensible.

KW I do see where you are coming from, that it works for you. But I also find it sad that you say you find a man who does housework or changes a nappy makes them unmanly. I hope that you are not teaching this to the boys in yor household (I am assuming some of your kids may be boys) as I think they may find when they grow up a little bit difficult to find a woman like you. Please think about teaching them how to look after themselves and a house, just in case they ever

1. Live alone
2. become a student, helpful to be able to cook and use a washing machine at least a bit
3. get married or live with someone who doesn't have the same standards as you.

I am not saying your way is right or worng, but I think we all owe it to our children to teach them how to look after themselves as grown ups, and this includes using a washing machine/hoover/oven etc. (oh and how to change a nappy )

Really interested in these last posts. Totally agree with you Fairymum about paternity leave and the different worlds thing. Couldn't live like that either. DP and I spend loads of our time talking about either work or the kids. I couldn't imagaine our relationship if we didn't have either things in common (in the same way IYSWIM).

Bink, agree with you about finances. This is the point I was making ages ago that a lot of women either leave financial planning full stop or leave it to their husbands and are therefore very vulnerable. In a minute some-one is going to say that they do more snacking on the days when they're at home with the kids and have put on weight since being a SAHM and I might just have to go and have a lie down.

Bink, I am not complacent about my finances atall. I happen to have a Dp who is a financial wizz. He has made sure that I have all my pension/contibutions up to date for example. He deals with the mortgage because it is an area he is good at. Why would I want to stress about it if I don't have to? It's all about trusting him to do the best for us.. I have my own mortgage on a flat I own ( which he heped set up)and dp is also fab at telling me about offers and deals and making sure I have the best finacial return I can possibly have. I trust the man implicitly. He is also a financial investor and knows pretty well all there is to know about money. Why on earth would I want to try and trawl through this all myself when I have an expert to hand? It's all about trust.

Crunchie, I will teach my boys all that you have mentioned and of course more. Part of my job as a parent is to see that they can function as independent adults when the time comes. Yes, they will find it hard finding a woman like me as a partner. They are also very aware that I had a paid job before having them and I don't have any qualms about telling them that I gave it up to become a mother to them because FOR ME looking after my children full time is important and they know that and I think they like the feeling that they are so important to me.

bawc - think i actually do more exercise/watch what i eat as sahm rather than when i was working as used to be office based and everyone was always going on bacon sandwich runs/cake runs etc! on the finance side i do find it difficult to "ask" dh for money as having been used to never having done that it is a bit of pride issue but slowly getting used to it - it is worrying that finances can so easily be pushed to one side - my dh pays into my pension for me so am glad about that at least! sahm's should at least get their pension paid for them i think!

Kittywits, its not just about trust, its also about being able to pick up the pieces if your DH suddenly couldn't deal with the finances. You only have to look at the stories of other MNers to see that life can throw a spanner in the works in many ways, even if your DH is the most devoted husband in the world.

Yes cleaninglady, I always lost weight when on mat leave because I didn't have such easy access to Starbucks and Pret brownies. Soon they will do a study which shows that WOHMS have more hairy chests than SHAMS and the Daily Mail could run a series of article about hairy WOHMS versus Fat SAHMS.

If something, god forbid, was to happen,( dp and I have discussed it.) I would have to sell our house to buy one without a mortgage and I would ask advice from appropriate sources as to what to do. Whilst I do not have to do that I'm happy not to. I think if you try and protect, prepare youself for every eventuality in life you would go mad. You have to have an idea aboutit and deal with it as and when it happens