why are some women content to do all the housework?

[honeydew]

I meet lots of mums in my local area who, like me, are stay at home mums with very young children but are prepared to do absolutely everything for their partners and DH's! They slave away cooking, cleaning and washing at home with no help and at the weekends, they still don't expect
their partners to do anything! I have friends who never get a proper break from their children, even if it's only for a couple of hours. Their DH's leave them to it 24/7. Is it just me who has found that old style patriarchy is alive and well in society once a woman gives up work to raise her brood? My DH does help me with baby DS, he also puts my older daughter to bed and washes up after I've cooked each night, so we work as a team. So many women I speak to say that their DH's are not 'hands on' parents and do virtually all the chores and baby changing/feeding. Oviously, if one partner is working during the week they can't do that much, but some men don't want to contribute at all it would seem! Are they just lazy or simply 'expect' women to fulfill that role?

ok here goes!
Caligula: if I was taken to hosptal or became too ill to function then we would call on family to help. Dp has just pointed out that it's not about being delicate, it's about division of labour. He doesn't expect me to pay the bills for example He pays for EVERYTHING btw. I have my own source of income from a property and that money is excusively for ME. I don't have to go to him for spending money and his hard work has enabled that to happen, not his nappy changing abilities!. If something needs fixing in the house he will do it straight away. He was a property developer so knows alot about all the trades, so is v. skilled in plumbing, electrics etc.

SS: the current baby is never exclusively in his care so that problem doesn't arrise. Again I reitterate that changing a nappy is Not what defines a good care giver. When Dp is with them he cares for them in his own way. Dp is NOT a nanny, he does NOT have that role so that is irrelevant. His role is that of provider, mine is of child care and house stuff ( not mending or bill paying or rubbish taking).

MP; I have a number of family members plus a mother's help I can use if I want time out and I get a good amount of it. I get this because I have a Dp who is allowed to work hard enough to provide for us in the way he does. He is self employed btw. If he is distracted from HIS work in order to help me with mine then he cannot expend energy on his. Everyone has a certain amount of energy they can expend. It's not a never-ending pot, something has to give. I AM knackered because I have 5 young kids, but if it were not for his hard work and deication to this family, i.e, providing us with a big enough house and a solid enough infrastructure and support then I could not have had my wonderful children and I would not trade 3 of my children in order to have help with the nappy changing!!!!

Hi ss. dp does sometimes take the 1st 3 or 4 children out on their own. During the week he is working, but because he works from home he has always been available for assemblies , parents' evenings or mad dashes to doctors and hospitals. When my 4 year old had to spend time in hospital this jan, (dd 3 was 3 weeks old btw), he was the one ferrying everyone about and looking after the children left at home who are 7, 6 and 2. no nappies to deal with though! We tend to do stuff together at the weekend. There are times when he 'picks up the slack' if I want to spend longer out and say my helper has to go, he doesn't mind that atall and he is very flexible. When we were first together I did sometimes find it had that work was divided in this way. What i realised though was that i was wanting him to help ME with wotk in the home, but wasn't offering to help him with work in his office. It began to make sense to me and now it works fine.

hi there - was involved in thread earlier on and have been dipping in and out but am a bit confused about kittywits opinion.... I am SAHM and do the majority of housework and obviously all child related stuff when DP at work. He works v hard and provides for us but when he gets home from work he tends to be very hands on with the LO's (including nappies ) - i dont really expect him to do housework as i get most done in the day but he will empty dishwasher, make a meal etc - would you not expect your dp to at least do half the childcare when he returns from work? i know he has done a full days work but his has finished whenever he gets home and yours carries on till childrens bedtime and beyond i presume? just interested thats all !! my "job" involves 24/7 care of children and house but my DH is his hours actually at work and wouldn't equate to the hours i put in IYSWIM

oh and just for arguements sake of course changing a nappy is part of a good care giver - try not changing one for a while and the resulting nappy rash/sore bottom isnt very caring is it?

And what if you died Kittywits? Would your DH still think it was someone else's job, not his, to do that part of caring for his child?

Exactly cleaninglady. If you were ill KW, and your DH rang your mother or other family member at 3AM and said "Kittwits is ill, could you come round and change baby's nappy because I don't do that" wouldn't they think he was slightly...er...berserk?

Sorry meant to respond to cleaninglady but am just so flabergasted by this idea that someone never changes his own baby's nappies and honestly believes it's someone else's job - someone who is not even their parent, if the other parent is unavailable.

It was re that terrible case about 2 years ago where that dreadful couple hadn't changed their baby's nappy and the poor child died of the resultant septiceamia. Slightly off on a tangent, but FGS...

Changing nappies and taking care of your children and being with them surely isn't "work" though? Isn't it just being a parent and family-life? I think my children would find it odd if they needed their bottom wiped after toilet and daddy shouted for me.

Cleaning lady, yes changing a nappy is part of good care giving, infact it is an integral part of THAT ASPECT of care giving. There are MANY aspects to child-rearing, the cleaning, nappy, bath stuff is just one part, the part I do.
My Dp is involved in caring in other ways eg. providing their wonderful home, toys, clothes etc. that is just a small part of what he does, but a very important one.
You make the point that you should both share the child car once your dp is a home. IMO it depends on what sort of work a given DP does. Some men work under extreme pressure during the day, whereas I would said that although hard work a sahm's work, is less of less INTENSE pressure but longer hours, more of a drip, drip, rather than a rush.My Dp for example works from 8.30- 8.30. he is around for some school and nursey runs and is always an active , infact leading participant in the bedtime routine. He would love to spend a little more time with the kids, enjoying their company rather than cleaning nappies. At the moment he works too hard. It is all a trade off, after all. I'm sure you make compromises in your family, You make choices, you give some things up in order to have other things and you choose what are the most important priorities for you and your family. Men chamging nappies doesn't even registar on my scale of pritorities, !!!

LOL at idea of a man who looks after his kids being somehow less attractive or masculine. My dp is a foot-ball playing PE teacher who I find v attractive (fortunately) and he looks after kids 50/50 including nappy changing when he's at home.

If a couple splits work and domestic labour in a way that suits them then that's fine. But I do worry about the kinds of messages the kids are getting about gendered identity and their own relationship with their parents.

I jokingly asked DP recently whether he would consider a third child (We have agreed to stop at 2 because neitehr of us could cope with another 2 yrs of nappies and sleepless nights and lack of time for each oterh and ourselves.)if we won the lottery and could afford a nanny to help at night and babysit etc. But he said that although those nappies, sleepless nigths and tantrums are bloody hard and he wouldn't want them again that they're part of what makes your relationship with your kids stronger and mums and dads have to go through them themselves to come out positively as a strong family. Was actually really moved that he felt like this and thought he really had a point. He has a fantastic relationship with his kids and they don't see mummy and daddy having separate roles in parenting, house-work or paid work.

A roundabout way of saying if a dad picks and chooses which bits of parenting he does (the odd bath-time, playing at wkend) and none of the ugly bits that's going to affect his relationship with his kids. Bit like saying to his wife 'I'll only be with you when you're in a good mood and I'll never look after you when you're ill'.

And, if people find men who don't change nappies weird in this day and age how will it be when his sons grow up and don't think their kids (or their nappies and tantrums) are their responsibility since generally we follow our parents' parenting style. Or his dds grow up and don't want to get a job but can't have children or find a partner even.

But please, what if you were too ill at 3am kittywits?

Occasionally I have to work on Saturdays when dp is at home with kids. Next time I'll try that on him, 'Oh, my work has been much more intense that your time with the children so I can't possibly change any nappies tonight'. Wonder what kind of response I'll get LOL

LOL. At least he is doing a very good job convincing you about his intense and hard-pressured job.

kittywits, so basically your dp can pick and choose which aspects of care giving he wants (ie just do the good bits?)
not saying its wrong and it works for you was just a bit surprised how much of a issue changing a nappy could be my dh has a highly pressurised job dealing with directors of companies in various countries but sees the sharing of childcare more as his family time which includes everything involved in looking after them - although im sure if i let him he would never change a nappy again

kittywits - i didnt actually make the point that we should share the childcare once he gets home i just said he does do it..... something about us being together as a family unit.

And what does he say to the children who have blatantly done a stinky one and are sitting on his knee and you just happen to be making a cup of tea. 'Oh, you'll just have to wait for mummy because clearing up your poo is her job not mine'??? I just can't imagine this scenario!!

Having said that sometimes DP and I pretend we haven't noticed the poo and see who can hold out longest because the rule is whoever first notices has to change the nappy!!

bawc - i do that sometimes i know dh is about to get home and pretend i havent noticed....

That's funny cleaninglady - a surprise treat for your dh.

When I had DD1 DH took two weeks off work and did all her nappies to the extent that he had to show me how to do it when he returned to work. I know this was unusual, but he wanted to be involved and as I was bf he felt changing her nappies was something he could do. It was a great help to me as a new mum and one of the many things he does to make me love him even more.