SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Noel, why can't children of dual working parents be happy? I must be missing something.

They could have been. But.

Dp and I were both working ridiculous hours. And commuting. I was at the top of my particular tree. No opportunity for either of us to do part time- well, I could have, but it would have meant a massive demotion. And I wanted to breast feed.

seeker, I breastfed my kids for over a year and didn't give up my job. Don't understand why you did.

I think you don't know until you have children I never thought i would enjoy it like I did and decided to stay home with ds until school and then part time until secondary. Then freelance for my own reasons.

Fivecandles - I've kind of got the impression this isn't a thread for 'most people' - I think a lot of the above posters would do well to have a look at the 'you know you're skint when...' threads and stop agonising over their problems and count their blessings a bit more....

I didn't say they couldn't do both if that makes them happy that's fine. If a woman isn't happy to be a sahm then she should work if that's what suits. As parents we do what we think is best. I just resent some comments that were made earlyer in this thread that a sahm is lesser intellectually and less successful than a working mother.

I have a very simple life the things that make me happy are picnics, a good documentary, doing a jigsaw with my children and to snuggle up with a coffee and a good book on a rainy day. I would not enjoy the stress and fast pace of some high powered profession. Not because I am stupid it just doesn't appeal to me. And being forced into something like that would be bad for me and impact on my family, the same as a career loving lady would probably find my life dull and resent being forced to live it.

As for fathers I only have experiance of my own children's dad and he would not be able to stay home as he would go mad, which is fine for us as he earned a bit more than me. A happy home and family is successful no matter how it comes about.

Presumably you didn't live an hour's train journey from home, frequently have to travel at short notice all over Britain and spend a lot of time in meetings with senior politicians.

Noel - the concerns of the OP are still valid, just because they don't apply to everyone.

I did have a spell of having to express in the toilets and thought I was going to have to get a childminder near my work who could bring dd1 in at regular intervals to feed since she wouldn't take a bottle but it all worked out in the end. Thing about breastfeeding although it's hard to combine with work that part of your life is so short relative to the rest of it so although, for me, it was really hard, I'm glad I didn't give up work for the sake of the difficulties of those difficulties. And depending on when you had your kids you can now take a year or longer for mat leave. Apart from breastfeeding I'm not sure there are good reasons why it's assumed that women will give up work/take up more responsibility for childcare than men.

Blueshoes - Totally, of course I think children of dual working parents can be happy - I think that all children can be happy, but that people agonize an awful lot about what is the right way to find your own balance - and I just think that all this agonising defeats the object of trying to do the best for your children, whatever that may be.

Sitting - yes, indeed, though I would definitely say they were 'concerns' with a small 'c'.

I don't think it should be assumed that it's the mother who has to give up work. However, in our case, it was my decision- we had a nanny ready to start work and when I said I wanted our child to be looked after by someone who loved her, dp and I had some bitter squabbles over who it was to be. I was always sure that I would win that struggle and I did. It meant that I took his choices away from him, and I do feel, occasionally, some guilt about that. I am happy to take the lion's share of the domestic stuff because he takes the full share of the money earning stuff. When he is home, he did( not so crucial now they are older) he did the hulk of the child wrangling. Neither of these are more important than the other- we can't operate without money, but we also can't operate without somebody doing the school run. Why is one considered higher value than the other?

Hi Gator,
I've read the first bot of the tread and skimmed the rest...

I think you're being a bit back and white about it... I was convinced that I would back in my career after 3 months maternity leave, but ended up really enjoying being with my children ? far more than I thought.

I did go back after DD1 and DD2 but found myself increasingly torn between the demands of my job (the hours, the commuting, the expectation that you can and will drop everything else when a deadline hits, the constant apologising "I'm really sorry, but I have to go", "I'm terrible sorry I'm late..." in both work and childcare situations) and really wanting to be around, and be around for my children... I found it not only ohysically tough, but emotionally so. I think the reality of being a WOH mum, especially if your DH has a demanding job also, can be rather different to what you imagine, and that your feelings may change once you're doing it for a period of time, especially with more than one DC.

I also was really feeling that I wanted to be the one to pick the DDs up after school, when they started, and be available for school-parent stuff, and I couldn't see how that would happen in a permanent employee role.

But I also have a career that I am fortunate to really enjoy ? and actually it's a huge part of my identity too, and I was reluctant to give that up, and concerned with what I would do all day once they were at school. I, too, would have been unable to take several years off and slot back in ? doesn't work like that in my industry.

We could have managed ? just ? on DHs salary, but it would have been tight. And we have chosen to privately educate, due in part to finding ourselves in a decent state primary black hole and some residual snobbishness on my part, (which I'm more than happy to own up to). BUt I don't think that's be nub of the issue.

I took the third way... Left my job, and set up my own business, doing what I do, but for myself and on my own terms. I currently work 3 long days and some time at the weekend. But when my DDs are both in a school setting (and the Prep we've chosen has a nursery, so they will both be doing school-days (8.30-3.30) by the Summer term) I plan to work five short days a week, although may take advantage of the after-school club once or twice a week in busy periods... Point is, it's really up to me...

Maybe you could consider something like this, or retraining, or shifting focus in a way which would make it possible to work for yourself and have, to my mind, the best of both worlds? It sounds as if you're a bit less than excite about your current position, maybe now is a good time to think about other options...

I have to say I'm loving life, work and time with my children so much more now... It's a different set of challenges to be sure, but honestlym for me, so much better. Sometimes I wonder if I ought to have made the move sooner, but actually I think the timing was right for me, and I was left with NO doubt that what I was doing was unsustainable, and I had to make a change, because, frankly, balancing all the demands and my own feelings about the compromises I was having to make on all fronts was really getting me down.

Anyway, sorry for the novella. Hope it helps... All I was really trying to say it there's a great many options between the two extremes of "carry on in same, demanding job" and "jack it all in and stay at home", many of which will be compatible with funding private schooling if that's what you decide to do.

HTH,

db
xx

Actually if I look deep inside myself - which this thread has made me do - the reason I do work (albeit 3 days a week) and keep my career going is indeed because of the issue I have with feeling financially dependent. I have always felt uncomfortable with it, I worked since I was 14/15, I always had a job even at university.

Now honestly if I had inherited (which I never have!) or somehow earned enough to have huge savings and income streams of my own, then I probably would give up my job and do something more fun! But sadly I think very few people are in that position.

I did buy a couple of investment properties 12 years ago but even with those under my belt I don't feel I would have sufficient income to be "independent"... it would have to be more like 35-40k per year for me to feel comfortable ditching my career. Which is a shame really, as I would love to ditch it...now where did I put that Euromillions ticket!!!

'Neither of these are more important than the other- we can't operate without money, but we also can't operate without somebody doing the school run. Why is one considered higher value than the other?'

I'm not sure what I think about this. As it happens I work school hours AND do the school run with dp helping out when I have meetings for example.

I'm not sure that it's even a question of 'value'. School run is a bit of necessity isn't it? Like cooking and eating together. It doesn't require any great skill.

It's not that I don't like it but I don't really get this sort of 'valuing' of basic domestic chores. It's a bit like the sort of mystifying of it that women sometimes do which means that men apparently can't get it right.

I don't think that when dp and I are looking back over our lives including our parenting we would particularly rate all the homeworks we've done, dinners we've cooked, times we've ferried the children from a to b. That's just family life surely?

OP it's really too soon to be tying yourself up in knots. Your feelings may well crystallise during your year's maternity leave. Mine did. I thought I would go back and that staying at home would be dull,dull,dull. In fact, I stayed at home for 7 years until youngest DC went to school and then went back part time. I've increased my hours and responsibilites over the last 6 years and now eldest DC is nearly 13 am probably just above where I left off.

Dh's business has suffered in the recession but the upside of that is he now works from home so childcare with older kids is a breeze. Dcs are at prep school (for what it's worth) and the school run, which I found tedious, is still a novelty for him since he only started dong it last year when I went back full time.

As your Dc grow you will find that while you can and should plan for the big stuff like pensions etc you can't plan for how you will feel as your children grow or what their future needs will be. Just as you get used to one stage your children move to the next.

My message is that if you don't go back to work now it won't necessarily mean that you'll never again do anything interesting. You had the skills to have a successful career; you will be able to use those skills in the future but maybe in a different role. Good luck whatever you decide.

I haven't read the whole of this thread, but just wanted to say that I have just given notice on my job at a private school which would have allowed me to send my DC there at a discount, specifically because it is important to DH and myself that our children have a parent at home with them in their early years. DH earns significantly more than me so we wouldn't manage on just my salary and anyway, I would miss being with them.

I guess we're lucky that our local state schools are good too, but tbh I see it being likely that we support our DC's learning at home as much as they'll get at school.

FWIW my sister went to our local comp, then Oxford and is now a barrister. Despite my being more academically able (according to the exam system!), I am a SAHM and I feel that it is absolutely the best thing I can do for my children now.

I think how it goes for dp and me is this. For us, the most important thing we do is raise our children. To do that properly there is physical and emotional work involved. We do the emotional work together. The practical work is split- he earns the money and I do the other stuff. Which actually doesn't take me very long- leaving me free to do other things. A luxury which dp doesn't have - his share of the practical work takes all day. Mine takes a couple of hours!

'It meant that I took his choices away from him, and I do feel, occasionally, some guilt about that.'

This just strikes me as quite sad because, in a way, you all miss out on opportunities when work and childcare are so divided along gender lines. Each of you is denied an entire world and set of experiences for most of the time but equally your children get parents with very distinct roles and one person who is necesariyl a more active parent. Now, you've found a system which works for you so that's great but it would be so good to think that society and the workplace would accommodate famiyl life such that all responsibilities can be shared. Both men and women could work shorter hours outside the home and spend more time in it supporting each other in caring for their children. That's my ideal situation anyway.

i didnt want to be one of the used to be mums
uswed to X, Y
I recall few days post birth the HV asking me what did you used to do.felt like id expired being talked about in past tense
i want to demonstrate women's participation and activity in workplace not financial dependence and not working

Fivecandles I agree 100%. We should ALL fight for workplaces to be more flexible so that ALL working parents have the option of spending more time with their children should they wish to! Then everyone would have a true choice!!!

I look at my neighbourys, they have a little girl aged 3 and they leave the house at 6:45 and return at 7:30pm every day....do employers really need people to work such long hours? It seems madness to me.....I have a fairly senior job and don't work such long hours at all - ok I have had very short stints of madness - but generally I can get most work done in between school hours, with the odd overspill in the evenings once the children are in bed...

I agree. But until the pattern of working in Britain changes I don't think that's really possible. And I will always be pleased that it was me, not a nanny, who spent the afternoon teaching dd how to blow bubbles. But dp missed out on so much.

I personally wouldn't work unless I had to, and gave up a great career to be sahm as important to me. Everybody is different though. In terms of education you need all the information before you can decide.

@seeker I breastfed all 3 of my DCs for 18 months each and I frequently had to travel all over the world. It can be done. It meant a lot of expressing, having a freezer full of milk bags and having to explain breast pump parapernalia when going through airport security (and chucking away a lot of the stuff in toilets from Paris to new York to Australia). But it wasn't the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I think SAH parents, whether women or men, are great and I'd love to be one. I wouldn't be bored and my IQ wouldn't drop. But I find it counter productive for women to imply that to breastfeed successfully a mother really has to give up work. None of my kids ever even tasted formula. Given my complete disaster on the cooking front I'm really glad I didn't listen to naysayers over breastfeeding. The way the world is at the moment and is likely to continue being for the next 10 years or more I think it's very important that our DCs generation are cool with the idea of who can get the work, doing the work.

i get approbation from career and family
i dont need to see every burp,bubble blown,or precious moment to validate being mum (nursery nurse can tell me anyhow). by being good role model, discussing what i did today i am happy to discuss my employment and what mum does

This thread has gone down the road of Rebecca Asher's Shattered - I really enjoyed reading it. It is madness that a lot of people are required to work a 50-60 hour week in order to remain in their careers. Presenteeism is a huge problem and it presents women with a stark choice - in or out - working life for everyone needs to be more flexible than that. We are all going to be working until we are 70 anyway, so why work 12 hour days?

For what it matters, my mum was a SAHM for five or six years, she then went back to social work and worked for another two decades. By the time she retired she couldn't even remember the time she was at home, not really. I think we do overthink things a lot.