SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

I wish I hadn't mentioned breast feeding now-I suddenly feel very inadequate!

no need feel bad
but working mums can and do bf,its not solely a housewife thing

Don't feel inadequate! I'd love to be you. Apart from the living in kent thing! ;) And like your family, mine decided once DD1 was at school and the 3 of them weren't all in the same place at the same time that it was better to have one parent at home. I jus think there are so many social pressures against working women breastfeeding that it's not helpful for them to have obviously intelligent and sensible women telling them that it can't work. You know?

For me it's not even about money. Though I do love earning good money.

I would still wnat to do something other than the domestic stuff even if it paid FA. I want somehting tangible.

And I do think that DC respond in a different way to things done outside the domestic sphere to things done within it.

My DC knwo I organise the home (DH works long hours), and I'm sure they value it some extent, but they light up when they see my books on the shelves in shops or they see interviews etc. And when I told them I was taking up a (very) part time position at a well known univeristy come October, they practically swooned.

Children certainly love successful mothers or even mothers who are proud of their lower paid type of work. It expands work to do work you adore. Most adults want both.

As for breastfeeding if I could buy books on work and breastfeeding in the 80s I don't see why people can't now. I breastfed all 5 including twins to at least age 1 - 2 and have in fact never fed a baby from a bottle although their nanny didgive them my expressed milk from a bottle when I wasn 't there and I was back at work after 2 weeks off. So do not let people say working mothers don't breastfeed. Others have the baby brought to them as I did with the twins as I worked for myself by then and that is easier than expressing and again very workable for lots of jobs. All good fun.

Nobody said WOH women can't breast feed. Of course they can, and do. Please let's not get side tracked.
I said that my personal circumstances meant that I could not have done.

I think for some people that their working identity is such a huge part of who they are that stopping working is impossible. And perhaps those sorts of people just don't understand the other sources of identity there are. We all have a personal life history and an identity that is more or less complex and/or multifaceted.

It's a just a shame that it's always "muggins mum" who is usually the one shooting her career to pieces on the altar of man whilst Sunny Jim her hsband sacrifices nothing and has it all. As long as it just conveniently ends up being women who get left holding the babies nad domestic dross women will always be kept down.

I've got plenty of recent examples of fathers who have given up/scaled back, when the DC are older (when of course there are no pregnancy/post-pregnancy/breastfeeding/babycare issues that generally involve mothers more than fathers). As for the example issue, I think it really can go both ways as I have also see quite a lot of daughters reject the working mother status of their own mothers.

There are just aren't hard and fast rules about how people should lead their lives and everything involves compromises. One sort of life isn't less valid or less successful than another if you have the good fortune to have actively and consciously chosen it.

I'm of the opinion that children need you to be on hand more when they're at secondary age. Fortunately for me moving up to secondary means ds will leave for school earlier, so I can start work earlier and leave later without relying on AFCs and the like or cutting my hours. Result.

I don't think I'd have been in a position to do this though had I not gone back to work when I did, mainly because of the dearth of jobs currently - my employer implemented a recruitment ban years ago.

I agree that some DCs need a lot of support in secondary school - and it can be quite specialised support, for very specific issues that require quite a lot of exploration.

Bonsoir my mother worked stupid hours for sweet FA. There is no way I'd do that unless I absolutely had to. She was the one who expressed a great deal of regret for having left me to my own devices from 10yo; hence my belief that older children need you so much.

It's only "muggins mum" if you don't consider raising children to be an important job.

"Bonsoir my mother worked stupid hours for sweet FA."

I agree that that situation is dreadful. There's just so much wrong with it. I'm particularly alerted to it because it is really easy, given how taxation works, for French women to be in a position where they work for almost nothing, even in quite senior jobs where they have to give their all to their employer.

Totally agree with bonsoir. Thanks saved me typing! Xenia you state everything as a fact you should write a book. You equate everything with money

housewives equate their family money as coming from their waged partner
let's not pretend money's not in the equation
housewife as unwaged,not working is as much focussed and dependent upon money as a worker is

let's not do the don't mention filthy dirty money

I have my own money, scottishmummy (and, fortunately, quite a lot of it since I worked for a long while) as do all the women I know.

It's all about the money for me. I work to live. If I won the lottery I wouldn't be doing what I do now. Of course I'd have to do the lottery to win it, so I don't anticipate any imminent changes.

I havecalways been financially independent meaning when my ds was born I had choice. Now that he is 18 I am still financially sorted which is why I have never felt the need to marry.

Mind you the worst thing in life is being bored and I strongly suspect that if I downsized my job - if that was even possible, which it isn't really given my very specific skill set and my stupid choice of where to live - I would be bored, while not working significantly less hours (perhaps with less travel) for significantly less money. That just doesn't feel sensible to me.

It's possible that people who come from comfortable backgrounds feel differently. I grew up on a council estate from a WC background, my mum died when I was 22, she got sick when I was 13 (actually before then, but we found out when I was 13 when she was rushed into hospital and nearly died on Xmas eve). That sort of thing really marks you (as did a family background of all my grandparents being dead before either of my parents was 20). Since DH comes from a background where his dad died when he was 16- which meant he had to leave school after O levels and support his younger siblings for several years until he was able to go back into education about 8 years later, our motivation has always been to try and (a)live a bit longer and (b) make our children secure.

I know my kids feel a hell of a lot more secure than I did as a teen. And that's a good thing.

Happy to mention the money. What do you want to say about it?

I think though, the money is worth mentioning.

It's a bit absurd SAHMs placing themselves above all that.
'Oh there's so much more to life than consumerism!!!!' they cry.

While their DH provides them with everything they need. Or they have their own money from wherever.
And they merrily consume with the best of 'em.

Hmm. I suspect that the conversation about money and SAHPs gets a bit distorted on MN as posters don't want to publicise their own fortunate financial position.

Happy, as I said, to talk about money!