SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Come on seeker SM is another chain yanker .

But you must admit that there is a slight delicious irony in those who declare being uttterly fullfilled by SAHing desperately trying to show their uber-successful woman side .

blue I agree that the optimum thig for any child to see would be both parents earning money, both running the home and both taking an active role in day to day child stuff...

But it's kinda hard to get that in reality ...

Word, the split may not be even, but at least it is not stark on the financial front. My mother, a reluctant SAHM, had concerns with women not being financially independent.

It bugs me somewhat when women say it is natural to want to spend more time with their children, to be the one to see them growing up, or to raise them themselves, as a justification for their SAHM-ing, as if men did not want the same, and then to use the biological imperative to bag the easier more leisurely role of SAHM for themselves. I don't deny that life with pre-schoolers at home is hard, but you got to admit, life with children in full time school is much more of a doodle, than juggling work and a family life.

What message are telling our daughters if we model (if not tell them) that by virtue of our sex, we can dodge the big bad world of deadlines and earning a living.

"blue I agree that the optimum thig for any child to see would be both parents earning money, both running the home and both taking an active role in day to day child stuff..."

Possibly. But until the entire structure of the British workforce changes that's not going to happen. The the next best option is for children to see that both parents discussing how the family will work, respecting and appreciating each other's contributions and crucially, seeing that both their parents have constantly at the forefront of their minds the welfare and care of the children.

I agree with what you say seeker. But dual working families do that too.

Absolutely. But my point is that it is possible as a woman to model very effective relationships and a healthy female role models without being economically active.

Healthy, yes, but I personally, don't think that having a mother who is not economically active for her entire life is a good role model.

I feel strongly that since we all benefit from taxes, then we should all pay into them. I don't judge people who don't share this attitude but it's one that I live by for myself and would encourage in my children.

For me it felt really important that the DC saw me achieving somehting outside the domestic front.

It just didn't feel enough to tell them that Mummy used to do X and Y.

So much of what one does on the domestic front is invisible. Indeed some of what we do, no one other than us actually cares .

And yes, one can become a woman who endlessly points out stuff, or, possibly worse, talks up the domestic activities (you know the women who source cheese). I don't think anyone takes this seriously. Least of all children.

I wnated them to know that women can do things just like men can. And that men can do things, just like women can. And I'm not sure that just saying it is enough..

God, a lot of the posts on here are really smug - loads of people with loads of money bemoaning all the difficult choices they have to make! What about thinking about community, society, leading a good life and making a difference in the world, not just lining your pockets and shoving your kids to the front of any queue going.

Having been to my local comp, and then Cambridge, and now on mat leave with twins from an exciting (and socially meaningful!) public sector job, I kind of trust that any decent, switched-on Oxbridge academic would clock a lot of the aforementioned DCs a mile off and realise that their 'potential' had been manufactured from a young age.... It is very difficult to push your child into Oxbridge, either they have got that spark or they haven't, even if they still get top marks. If you are thinking about that at 4 months, I think you've already done your own child's chances. Oxbridge academics want people who are free and enlightened thinkers, not people who are hamstrung by neurotic parents obsessed with their child's 'success'... You'll hamper their intellect, not develop it...

I'd love it if our twins went to Cambridge like us, but only if they wanted to and only if they were up to it.

Personally, my DH and I practice equally-shared parenting, but then you would expect that from us lefties!

noel are you sure you're on the right thread?

Well, I was very economically active until I was 37!

We have always made a point of telling our children that dad earns this money that has paid for x, but he can only do that because he knows that they are safe and looked after. We are very open about how our family works.

Yes, it was about a load of posts earlier on, all that 'woe is me, are we quite rich enough?' stuff and 'the purpose of my child is an Oxbridge degree' bits - all rather smug and misguided I think....

I think SAHM are great as are working mums, I think both are great, but also tough. I don't know why people beat each other up about it all the time. People are different and do different things!

"I wnated them to know that women can do things just like men can. And that men can do things, just like women can. And I'm not sure that just saying it is enough.."

Agree. If both parents work, it would be self-evident and natural that dcs see parents working from home sometimes or taking calls or leaving the house in suits. It will just be part of the tapestry of the dcs' lives to see their parents having a family life and a work life. It role models it does not matter whether you are a boy or a girl, both will be expected to have productive working lives and assume their place in the world of paid employment. All without a word said.

I don't think witnessing parents negotiating effective relationships or contributions really achieves that effect.

Yep. TBH, I got quite a shock when I grew up and realized that in many people's lives housework, childcare and paid work are considered activities divided by gender. I've replicated in my own family the structure I grew up with: both parents work, both parents do housework and care for kids. And I am fairly certain my kids will be the same.

I've always thought that simply telling DC things is a fools errand. They sort of stop listening. Blah blah blah...

They kind of need to see it and experience it IMVHO. A bit like endlessly telling DC that reading is great, while never picking up a book yourself IYSWIM.

Seeker, if you tell your dcs that dh can only earn money because you keep them safe and looked after at home, do you explain why it is their daddy that has to do the earning and not you?

I assume the children were safe and looked after when you were working too. So what has changed? What you say must also make sense to children from this logical standpoint.

I tell my daughters that they have to work very very hard in school so they can get a very good job. Because that is the best place to meet a rich man to marry

Seriously though I didn't have an amazing 6 figure salary job but I did work and it was semi professional but I really enjoy my time at home (maybe having children has made my IQ drop below 100.). I don't measure "success" by how much money people have I guess I would measure it by how happy someone is. If your happy your life is successful. Be that working or staying at home.

As for women in positions of power, has anyone thought what a powerful position being a parent is? Not in a controlling way but what you are actually responsible for, bringing up children, supporting them, making sure they are happy. I hope I do better at my job than some bankers do at theirs. :)

But houswork why is it accepted that men can do both?

They can be fathers and have all the responsibility of bringing up the next generation of citizens and have positions of power that affect society on a macro level.

Why can't women do both?

Yes, I do, blueshoes. I explain exactly why we made the decision that it was me that stayed at home with them not their dad, even though he wanted to. And, with rude gestures to Xenia, why we made that decision even though at the time I was the higher earner!

blueshoes - I think that quite a lot of SAHMs are a long way off complete financially dependency you know. You would only be completely financially dependent if you had never worked, never inherited, never saved. The sort of person who works for 15 years before having children is pretty unlikely to be in that position.

Indeed Procrastinator! Whatever happened to wanting your children to be happy?!

'The sort of person who works for 15 years before having children is pretty unlikely to be in that position.'

Well, no actually. I've worked for about 15 years as a teacher. If I gave up work tomorrow, I would be entirely financially dependent on my husband. Most people are not lucky enough to have an inheritance or savings that would last them much longer than a few months.

Seeker, so why did you give up your job (despite being the higher earner) and not your dh? Why couldn't the dcs be safe and looked after with both parents working?