SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Have read about 3/4 of the thread and just skipped thorugh the last bit, so sorry if I'm repeating anyhting already said.

I think there's something to be said for trying to get a good balance in all of this. It doesn't absolutely have to be a choice between the ultimate high flying career and giving it up all together to be a SAHM. OP, you say you would only need to work 3 or 4 days to be able to afford private education and all the other home comforts you now have. Perhaps you could try going back 3 days a week for a while following your maternity leave this time, and then just see how it goes. It really might just give you the insight you need to make a fully informed decision either way. At worst, you HATE being away from your little one and can hand your notice in, but you may decide 3 days isn't enough and eventually increase is to full time when DCs are older.

You get the benefit of at least temporarily placing a bookmark in your career even if you don't think you'll be considered for promotion etc while doing part time, but have the option to pursue it again when your DCs are a bit older, and then of course there's maternity leave / pay for future DCs.

I can't speak for everyone - obviously nobody can! - but I have found 3 days a week a really good balance with little DCs. You are still at home more days than you are at work, but you get the benefits of adult time, and keeping your options open. For me, in the end I wanted to be a SAHM more than I wanted the career I had, and I will shortly be handing in my notice.
I know this hasn't asked the probing questions that some of the other posters have, but your situation sounded so similar to mine a year ago that I hope my experience will be useful to you. I agonised for hours / days / weeks over this until I realised if I made the decision to go back part time initially, it didn't have to be that way forever!

Xenia your sneering hatred of people who dare to choose a different lifestyle to yourself is shocking.

You aren't advocating freedom but wage slavery.

'might discuss baking' right, or presumably might discuss the phd the sahp is working on, or the books they've read, or the humanitarian work they do, or, well anything.

Suggesting a SAHM can only discuss baking suggests that you can only talk about your particular career.

And it is hardly surprising that YOUR children, value your professional 'status'. They are YOUR children and, therefore, share a lot of YOUR values.

Other peoples children value different (and sometimes MORE valid) things in their own parents.

Xenia, even though you hold yourself up as an example to women, the unpleasant tone and obsession with status don't convince me at all that I should aspire to become like you.

We do well to remember, Chandon, that Xenia has absolutely no experience whatsoever of being a SAHP. And it suits her defensive position to imagine that SAHPs do absolutely nothing all day long.

I hate no one. Just because less succsesful women tend to be those who become housewives and I say so does not mean I have ever said all of them are like that although how anyone would not want to work is beyond me.

We had an unplanned 3rd and are skrimping and saving to keep all 3 in private from the beginning of their education. Being a sahm was/is my priority but so is my children's education so we've had some help from a financial advisor.

We've chosen to start them off in private to give them all the best start and a good foundation for learning, then if we have to or choose to change schools they will do well where ever the go...rather than start in a state school and worry about extra tuition to catch up to put them into private at 7+ or 11+.

Xenia Some of your comments are just outragious. As you can probably guess from my name I am a professional but was also a SAHM for 5 years. In that time I did voluntary business work around looking after the kids but I also did 'housewife' stuff and was never bored as I did lots of exciting things with the DCs, they have lots of interests and are interesting children with lots of knowledge of the world.

Whilst I can not imagine being a SAHM once both children were in full time school as yes maybe I would be bored I would never for one second change having that time off to work instead.

If I had carried on working, yes I would be earning more now but in reality it would only take me a few years longer than it would have done before.

I think it is ridiculous to assume that 'bright' people would not be satisfied being a housewife - I would actually say that intelligent/bright people would make the most of that time and would never be bored. It is also ridiculous to suggest if you don't work then you would only have baking in common with your kids - what about 'life' - its not all about work!

I have nothing against people who work full time with young children, I know a couple where the dad stayed at home as the mum was in a much better job, it worked for them as they had one parent at home and they had a fantastic wage coming into the house.

"I hate no one. Just because less succsesful women tend to be those who become housewives and I say so does not mean I have ever said all of them are like that although how anyone would not want to work is beyond me."

It must be very sad to judge success purely in terms of money.

Personal professional success is not quite the same thing as having a successful family, though. Many people (men and women) make a successful family their priority in life - and divide the labours required, and fruits thereof, accordingly.

How do we define successful family? What is it your "aiming" for with your family then?

First of all, that you all love one another and enjoy one another's company. Secondly, that you are all happy and in good mental and physical health. Thirdly, that you all feel supported and appreciated in your goals - individual and collective.

I have very strong personal feelings against "family" becoming a sort of hotel from which each individual pursues his or her own agenda.

Succes is much more than money but it's much more fun to have money and a nice life, in other words a balanced life. Most women want to work and do and always have.It's a bit of a none issue really. Many who give it up regret it.

You say success is much more than money, Xenia, but I have never ever heard you define it any other way.

I was a VERY successful lady before children, that's why i can afford not to work again.

The fact that i wouldn't leave my baby at two weeks is due to me wanting to care for my children. My hamster cared for her young better than xenia. ( your clearly looking to be insulted with your ignorant views)

Everyone is different, personally these are the most fabulous years of my life.

It is a huge privilage to be able to stay at home, but you need to try it. If you have nothing to prove, know your worth and live in a household where your equal then it might just suit you.

Xenia is clearly far, far too bright to actually mean all she says. She is also clearly very funny. She must just like a reaction. I find it interesting that she seems to have had an aim from an early age and pursued it and achieved it magnificently too. By contrast I've come to the same sort of end in terms of children and general contentment by reacting to what life throws. I'm much poorer financially, but I don't really care.

I agree with your description bonsoir but I think it's a leap to say working parents can't ahieve that, or that all families with a SAHP achieve that.

yellow I agree that xenia is funny and that she needs to just be taken with a pinch of salt.
The bristling of feather she cause is quite . Especially when the SAHMs line up to declare their intelligence and qualifications... .

I do however, like that we have at least one voice saying working and family can be compatible. That you can be a Mother and professionally successful. That you can be happy.

There is enough bullshit in the media about how every working woman is weeping into her tea in the office while her feral DC get arrested for carck dealing.

I must say I think it is all a complex issue, but am glad to have all sides say thier piece.

Whilst I think that having a SAHP can benefit children in many ways, I think that role modelling financial dependency on men is a huge issue.

Agreed. But modelling a happy relationship and team work and demonstrating that money is only one way contributing is also important.

word I agree.

I see a great deal of merit in what Xenia says and sometimes I wish I'd stuck at that life. But I didn't so I look at what I've got and think: sometimes there's merit in bumbling through too.

i love that xenia can always yank the housewife chain - never fails
she habitually gets all the housewifes declaring all their achievements,degrees, and previous business prowess...all abandoned now for school gate and precious moments

I am really pleased that Xenia is on this thread. I don't agree with half of what she says, but it is very interesting to hear another, completely extreme view.

Xenia, I think you have to accept that some parents actually WANT to stay at home, at least for a while, regardless of how bright/successful they are.

I am a lawyer, and I of course have many many friends who are lawyers. I am pretty bright, good degree, law soc finals etc. I knew very early in that I didn't want to pursue a high powered City career - I genuinely wanted to deal with people who needed a bet of extra support in times of crisis. I CHOSE high street law, much to the despair of my tutors who were pushing me to the usual City firms for Articles, because I didn't want the City lifestyle.

Handily, it also meant that, as a Partner of a high street firm, it was possible to work part time.

Yes, the money isn't fantastic, I don't own an island, and I'm not smashing any glass ceilings, but it is exactly what I wanted and still want to do.

I guess I wasn't as driven by the money as you, but I think we are probably both making what we wanted from our careers.

"i love that xenia can always yank the housewife chain - never fails
she habitually gets all the housewifes declaring all their achievements,degrees, and previous business prowess...all abandoned now for school gate and precious moments"

Abandoned? If, instead of deciding to raise my children myself, I had done the logical next career step, would my previous achievements have been "abandoned"?

do what you want
work or fluff and fold
up to you

'Agreed. But modelling a happy relationship and team work and demonstrating that money is only one way contributing is also important.'

Families with 2 working parents can also have a happy relationship and lots of team work (in fact, chores are more evenly split by necessity) and both contribute in non-financial ways too. The only thing that is unique to a SAHM/breadwinner relationship that does not happen in the family with 2 working parents is complete financial dependency of one spouse (often the woman) on the other.