SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Thanks for that contribution Scottish ...what do you expect? No reaction?
I am not a SAHM at the moment BTW, just for the record.

I fail to see how challenging Xenias offensive comments makes you worthy of yet more derision from you Scottish.

This is a debate not a playground.

Xenia I genuinely would be interested to know how you would resolve the male partner with a two year foreign posting and a peripatetic future and the female partner with a good prospective career trajectory at a MC firm. What would you have done and what would you advise your DDs to do?

lovechoc we don't need everyone working at the top of course.

But of those at the top, at least 50% should be women no?
And of those in the lowest paid jobs, at least 50% should be men.
And of SAHPs it should be an equal divide.

I'd say when we've achieved that: job done.

Frankly yellowtip, the female partner staying in Blighty might seem the best idea. There's no real reason for her fate to be tied to her husband's career really in that situation, especially as she has so much to lose. Or else maybe getting a posting in a similar firm in the same place? Or maybe her husband reconsidering going abroad? No reason why he should feel that he needn't consider the fate of his family when making a momentous decision like that.

Hear hear wordfactory.

yellowtip nearly all my girlfriends found themselves in that position. They had great but demanding careers and so did their partners.

When DC came along, some forged ahead like xenia. But in most cases one partner took a step back from the work force, either to become a SAHP or to work part time. For the most part these were the women. Myself included.

Why us, I often wonder? Why not our partners? Did our partners eran more? Did they have a better prospect? Were they not remotely interested in staying at home? Were we women simply more pragmatic?

Somehting you said earlier struck a chord duchesse.

Myself and all my girlfriends took a step back, because at the time it seemd the only solution. Imperative.

Now years later, with no prospect of getting back into their old careers and wondering what the hell to do, many are asking if it really was imperative. Could we have muddled through?

If I made the decision, from within my marriage. My reasons would simply be that I would be better at it than my DH. I am also a control freak and wouldn't like relinquishing that much control over my household.

This is hypothetical as I do work. But those would be my reasons.

I can quite understand that some men would be better at it/equally good at it. But in my relationship it wouldn't work.

And because I feel like this I would SAH, and I wouldn't put my children in second place behind furthering the feminist cause. (although quite how my continuing to work in a female dominated career would help the feminist cause I'm still unclear about, in fact as my DH is in the same field as me, perhaps he SHOULD be furthering the male cause in this scenario...)

A single foreign posting sure, that might work duchesse, that's not a particular problem. Some might find it so if they were newly pregnant or wanting a family and finding it hard to conceive. But an entire army career or Foreign Office career? Much less simple. In fact young doctors who frequently get together often face geographical difficulties too. As more and more women are highly educated and offered equal job opportunities this problem looks set to get worse.

It's not like the old days where if you were a bluestocking you'd be more likely to remain single or childlessso not encounter the problems, it's a newer phenomenom.

I just think there are a lot of situations created by equal opportunities in the modern world which present different and difficult problems which Xenia hasn't had to face, and which her own success and situation perhaps allows her to simplify the conflicts others face.

It was Xenia who really set me on the path of reconsidering everything I thought I knew about my relationship with work, my DH and my family responsibilities about 5 years ago, before DD3 was born. I realised with a Damascene flash that I had in fact sacrificed my chance of a career to preserve my husband's, and that suddenly seemed extremely unfair. Yet I willingly did that. I love my husband and family but not enough to get to the other end and feel that I hadn't done half the things I meant to at the start, that I'd had to compromise and compromise and compromise ever since DS was born.

So I've set about becoming more autonomous within my family unit. I'm starting by taking DD3 to live in France for a few months in the autumn, for a variety of reasons. It's not a separation, it's just me taking DD3 to live in France for a few months, and then coming back. It's very interesting to see that it's actually upsetting quite a lot of people, although many others are very supportive. It seems to be unsettling more men than women, interestingly. I can't think why...

Cross-posted but yes, exactly word. I wonder that same thing too. In fact yours was a case I had in mind, because I'm aware what you and your DH both did from your previous posts. It's what I meant when I said Xenia may be addressing those who have made their choices and can't go back. I do believe the new generation will do things differently, but there are new and difficult dilemmas being thrown up by the very fact of women's progress, so these need to be tackled, if they can.

That's impressive duchesse. Isn't your DD3 tiny and your others much more self-sufficient so that bid for more independence can work? But that's good.

It may be that ours is the last intermediate generation, with many having to make do with a sticking plaster approach. That's ok. A bit frustrating but still ok. I think the DDs will be able to have clearer minds, unless the pecularities of their own lives gets in the way. I also think that doing something different from the original game plan may not be worse, just different. That's about where I am (not that I was ever great at game plans in the first place).

There was an interesting piece in The Times encouraging young women to choose their mates with the same care as their career. To ensure he is someone who is on board with sharing responsibilty for home and children.

But the point was made that many jobs simply don't lend themselves to that. They are unpredicatble, involve unsocial hours and travel.

How we square that circle is difficult.

Well another question. Fabulously good looking man who hits every button both physically and emotionally but has a F.O. type career while yours is London based and an ok'ish but not ever going to be the man of your dreams type who would fully support your career?

A friend of mine has just taken her DC (8 and 5) to live on the other side of the world for a few years, for a job posting. Her DH is staying behind. It has, indeed, provoked many a raised male eyebrow!

It is always utter madness to get together with a just-good-enough man who doesn't make your heart pound, whatever his objective qualities.

I left my home (and it will always be my home. You can take the girl out of croydon but you can't take croydon out of the girl) to move to the (career-wise) ridiculous place I live now, for DH's job. I was in my late twenties and I had just been promoted to a national role in my then firm. But his job wasn't moveable really. It looked like career suicide. And if it had been career suicide I would have accepted that - but, as it turned out, having to think 'different' gave me the impetus to forge a whole new path within the same very niche career I'd already fallen into. It is highly doubtful whether I would have ended up working in NY if I'd stayed in London (because, you know, why would you?) Of course if the world economy goes tits up then I'm sunk but that would be the case wherever I lived, really. It is funny though that the initial compromiser was me, but ultimately it's my career which has been prioritised.

scottishmummy,the posters on here do believe what they are saying.

I'm observing the oft enacted roles and chain yanking
Xenia portrayed as pantomime villain. boo hiss
housewife's protesting they don't outsource
it's a mn perennial
no wonder I love it

I honestly do believe that having 1 year off on maternity leave means you do become the main carer and therefore the one who feels they need to cut down on working or leave altogether....or at least that's how I felt!!!

Metabilis I believe that we live in the same career suicide neck of the woods...

she is not acting

Wordfactory I feel like that frequently - actually I stopped full time work in what is, objectively, a much "better career" than DH but for pragmatic reasons to do with the fact that I was in a much better position than him to negotiate a good, well paid, part time alternative.

Actually I think even if the male partner is willing to compromise on hours etc they can face even bigger problems in negotiating this with employers.

The most equal compromise I've seen a friend make on managing two client facing, partnership level jobs in the house was the couple who returned home from 2 very good overseas postings. He became partner in the firm he had trained with, they were near family to help with childcare as a back up as discussed earlier, was win win BUT is sadly notable as an exception to the norm.

@duchesse we do. :) I name changed a while back, can't remember why, now...