SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Yes they have, as I have already pointed out. You just stated that you 'look after the kids'. So that your DP doesnt have to pay someone else to do so. You didn't say what else you do in addition to that and in the context of this thread it's not unreasonable to point out that surely you do something else too, for the majority of the working day (in term time).

I don't quite understand your point. I don't go out to work because I look after my kids. That does not mean that I look after them 24 hours a day. It means that the constraints that my looking after my kids puts on my time means that I am mot available to do conventional paid work.

This work/job argument seems to boil down to the idea that all people must have a job to be of worth.

I just don't subscribe to this.

I'll admit that if my family unit didn't have income it would affect my sense of worth, but choices made within the family are just that. Fine as long as everyone is valued/fed/sheltered/nurtured.

@scarlogos there is one person saying that. Nobody else so far as I can see agrees with her.

scottishmummy,do you pay people to do chores around the house,eg nannying,gardening,washing windows whatever.
Or does your DH do all of them with you,or do your children do a lot of them
Or do you do the entire lot yourself as well as your full time job.

@meta. So we're really just arguing about semantics?

scottishmummy - how do you think entrepreneurs manage without some massive and highly structured institution to tell them what to do all day? Self-management (seeking out your own goals, defining your own strategy and executing it) is a far more difficult skill than merely responding to the constraints of an organisation.

Bonsoir I suppose the difference when one works for oneself, is that there are still things one must do. Responsibilities, deadlines etc

So it is up to me how, when and where I write my books. But write them I must as i have spent received my advance.

Lookinng after the home, there are certain chores that one might indeed do. But if you decided to give them a swerve then that's your business IYSWIM.

Metabilis, this from you "I really do hope all you SAHM only have female children. Because you might be damaging their futures, but that's your call. If you have male children (and sadly I know some of you do) then you are potentially causing future problems for my DDs. So, you know, cheers for that." seems to imply thwtnyou consider working outside the home then only acceptable option. Or am I misunderstanding you?

There are responsibilities and deadlines in being a parent/partner/adult, if you set your goals high. Like I say, it is purely a question of self-management. You can do a lowly or routine job in an institutional context where every task you perform is set by others. Apparently, according to scottishmummy, that is a more valuable skill than the self-management skills of a SAHP who sets high standards for his/her family. I disagree very strongly indeed with that.

seeker meta has said repeatedly that she has no problems with parents choosing to SAH. However, she feels that those women who do so and then talk it up as imperative and full time will make the work place harder for women.

Those women will have husbands and sons who are being inculcated into believeing that a. good mothers remain at home and b. SAHMs are busy solidly with child caring responsibilities.

If they take those attitudes into the work place, that can only have a detrimental effect upon the working mothers who also wish to work there.

Obviously. Microsoft today has appointed its very first female board member (and about time) who is al ady who has worked there for years and long campaigned generally for more women on boards (women are about 11% of US boards). We have a long way to go and as long as so many choose to be home other women are damaged.

But a good SAHM IS busy constantly with child related duties. If she believe that everything she does is for the good of her children. From cleaning the loo, to volunteering with rainbows, to educating herself to set an example etc.. Etc...

Some good parents choose to do things like this. Some good parents chose to woh. Why does there have to be a right or wrong in this?

It is not the fault of the SAHM that working woman are being judged by Unenlightened men. Do you not think that those who are inherrently sexist would just find another metaphorical stick to beat women with, even if all mother WOH.

Wordfactory- so when she said "all you SAHMs" she actually meant "All you members of a very small % of SAHMS who have a very specific attitude which is represented by one poster on this thread". Not " All you SAHMs"

All now becomes clear.

When I have both my children in school I will not be doing childcare for most of the day. They will be in school for 6 hours a day for 194 days of the year. I will not spend all my time doing housework. Maybe about 2 hours a day. I will continue to be involved in the comunity association within my area. I think this is important because I think there is a lot to be said for being part of your comunity and taking pride in your area. This, I think is a good example to my children. I will continue to do the shopping and light cleaning for my elderly neighbour who is housebound. (who's own daughter has moved away and very rarely comes back to see her.) I think this is a good example to set to my children as it shows we must take care of people around us and be kind. I will continue doing courses in subjects that intrest me. Some days I may be lazy and have a day off and chill out.
So no I will not be doing childcare for the whole time.

I really think it must be difficult to juggle work and children, for example this week alone I have hospital appointment for youngest, sports day for eldest, parents evening, and nursery intake meeting. And the next week the playgroup trip. (they must be accompanied) and a school training day. These are all on separate days and all within normal working hours so I would have to have 6 separate occasions off work within the space of two weeks. Most people's jobs only alow 5 care days within a year. That must be a struggle.

That's the nail on the head there housework. That final paragraph.

If you can a. Afford it, and b. prioritise the types of things you mention there then most jobs are not compatible. (obviously SOME are, but not everyone CAN have an exceptionally flexible job in the current set up).

If you don't value those things then WOH is the obvious choice.

If you do value those things but also have no other way of keeping your children clothed and fed, WOH is also the obvious choice.

We all make choices, all this judgement isn't healthy.

Agree. All this judgement is not healthy. Particularly as it appears to be all one way!

Wordfactory and Xenia,are you saying that you both encounter hostility in the workplace from men,because they think you should be at home.
Is that what it is all about,you think therehould be many more women in the workplace so that you are not emotionally bullied.

Xenia doesn't appear to recognise any form of self-determination or emancipation other than paid employment. She therefore believes that all women should aspire to paid employment throughout their lives.

amillion I don't have a workplace as I work for myself. I try not to bully myself .

But just because my own circumstances are so absurdly conducive, I won't forget all those women who do encounter sexism in the work place. And I think one of the best ways to do that is to bring up my son believing that women have every right ot be there and that working mothers are no lesser parents.

And not just trotting out the usual platitudes...

I think the very worst thing that we can do for the next generation of women (our DDs) id bring up our DSs to believe that SAHMs are better parents. If we do that our DDs will continue to encounter sexism in the work place and men won't volunteer to remain at home (as they will see it as a mystical space for women).

How would you go about countering the belief that SAHMs are better parents when DSs have had one of each (a WOHM and a SAHM) and have made up their own mind?

"But just because my own circumstances are so absurdly conducive, I won't forget all those women who do encounter sexism in the work place. And I think one of the best ways to do that is to bring up my son believing that women have every right ot be there and that working mothers are no lesser parents."

I agree. However, I also don't want my children growing up thinking that women who for whatever reason don't go out to work are stupid, clones, sex slaves stepford wives, Margot Leadbetters, muffins mums- I could go on with the list of insults that have been thrown at them on this thread, but you get my point.

seeker the only person saying stuff like that is xenia. She is a lone voice. And she is yanking your chain. Quite successfully .

in the media working mums get a dreadful press. Every week there's somehting new for them to worry about (though not working dads of course). And given most women do work, I would consider this a far bigger problem for women generally, that one woman on t'internet who has her tongue firmly in her cheek.

I wonder what media you read, wordfactory, because I don't find that working mothers get bad press at all.

Bonsoir by pointing out that your partner made a very poor choice with his wife. His decision making process was clearly very flawed.

From everyhting you have said about her, she is just not very nice. But presumably she would not suddenly become a font of human kindness if she gave up work tomorrow.