SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

And you just can't have a proper discussion when one "side" is using disparaging terms to describe the other. That's one of the reasons it's impossible to engage ith Xenia.

I don't actually think housewife is a disparaging term, but I don't tend to use it because I know some people can get touchy about it, for the reasons you outline (to me, it says 'Margot Leadbetter'. And I would personally love to be Margot Leadbetter. Except I'd do a better job of being Maria than she did). I can quite see that nobody wants to be labelled a sex slave (actually, again, I might not mind it if people thought I was enough of a femme fatale to be worthy of enslavement for sex but I'm not so they never would).

I think there are almost as many 'sides' in this thread as posters, actually. But I can see where you are coming from with the dislike of being labelled something you are not.

@metabilis - I agree wholeheartedly....

But how else can one describe a housewife other than by using the term housewife?

Unless we use the word 'unemployed' :)

I think it's fine to just say 'I don't work.'

But people get really uppity about that and say they do work. That they are working all day. And when you question them on it, it's all the stuff I pay my housekeeper to do...so...

Thats the trouble with words isnt it.
I dont mind being called a housewife,quite proud of it actually.
But some words change their meaning over time.

So, your housekeeper works all day and you pay her. But if a woman says she works all day doing the same thing and doesn't get paid........

Nobody has yet explained to me that paid to look after someone else's children is OK, but looking after your own isn't.

Now Margot Leqdbetter is a housewife. that's why nobody in their right mind would want to be called one.

For me it depends on what people actually ask. If people ask what I do for a living, I am a company director of a small business. I don't really do anything but it generates money, so thats my answer. If people ask what I do, thats different. My answer is as flippant as I want it to be, dh works from home so sex slave is one. Mother, Housewife, cook, laundress, Housekeeper, psychologist, welfare, teacher, taxi, finance manager, negotiator, skills assessor and careers manager,. The list is endless.

Then she's the housekeeper seeker. It's just her own house.

I think that's okay. The work is valid in that someone has to do it, and valuable, in that you have to pay someone to do it if you don't do it yourself.

In fact, I prefer housekeeper to housewife, as ot's genderless and statusless. It also makes Jack shit difference if you have DC or not.

I love Margot. She's always the butt. Poor Margot. She's kind though. and generous. I can think of many worse people to be (Audrey fForbes Hamilton, for example).

morethan that's why I hate the term full time mum. Ugh.

Why would anyone want to define themselves as parenting 24/7?

DH says that I am exactly like Margot.

This is somewhat unfair I feel, as Margot never did a day's work in her life.

He on the other hand really is exactly like Victor Meldrew

Do you know all the words to My favourite things?

Clearly I am not in my right mind because I'd love to be her. I'd love her house anyway. Mine is more like Tom and Barbra's. Without the range. :(

Fascinating fascinating thread, something I thought long and hard to about before giving up my career to join my DH in running his business.

Interestingly, he was brought up by a SAHM (rural cakebaking much to an ealier posters disgust). His view of a SAHM mum is that she (or he, could be the other way round) keeps the house and family going. The plan is that when our DC (first on the way!) are young I will have much more of a practical back seat but as they get older will do more and more. Throughout the whole time though I am a director of his company therefore taking dividends as the company performs.

I think I'm ever so lucky to have this option. I don't know how some people make the decision to go back to work on not.

FWIW to the original poster I would def

1. Get the DC into private age 4.
2. Work p/t to keep your hand in
3. Depending on no of kids you could then adjust no 2 dependent on financial constraints.

PS - to those thinking Oxbridgeis the be all and end all - it's not. For many degrees, mine included, there are better Universities.

Most people I know just say "I don't work". I don't know anyone who says "I'm a housewife/housekeeper/SAHM/fulltime mum".

'I do think most women are bored being housewives and those who say they like looking after say a baby, toddler and 3 year old for 10 hours a day must have a screw missing. It is very hard work and very repetitive and a huge part of it is cleaning up. It's the lowest grade cleaning work in the land.'

If you really believe that how did you feel leaving your DCs to be looked after by a nanny? Because if it's hard work looking after your own children it's sure as hell going to be worse looking after someone else's.

Don't agree it's harder work looking after someone else's children. The exhausting part of being at home with small children is the unrelenting nature of it. If I could clock off at 5 or 6 I'd be a different woman!

I might then need to go home to my own children but that would be after a day's work.

Wordfactory, I don't define myself as a full time mum as I do other things as well. However, I do consider myself a full time mum as well.
I guess its what you feel happy with. I feel sorry for women who feel they are pressurised into making a particular choice in life. FWIW I just think each to their own. I wouldn't swop my lot (life) for anybody elses. Nor would I expect many would be content with mine.

The people on here who think there should be more women in the work place,in higher up jobs,why dont you think they are doing it then?
Do you think men are forcing them to stay in the home?

Having just caught up with today's discussion it strikes me that the comment earlier (was it morethan sorry not sure) that she stays at home because "I love my children" is the kind of thing that seems to imply WOHM are a problem.

I love my children too. I expect everyone on this thread loves their children. So why is it relevant to the argument?

No amillionyears men aren't forcing them too but women often accept that it is they who will have to give up work or arrange part time work or arrange childcare and don't challenge this assumption that the man carries on with no impact on their working life.

being paid to watch someone else child is income generating eg tax,ni
creates employment
and meets an external demand from parents for adequate childcare. all of this is undertaken to external measurable standards and protocols. subject to enhanced CRB
subject to external inspection in nursery setting or CM.
the nursery nurse or cm study for specific courses about childcare to enhance practice

being a housewife is an individual act that means one watches own children.
not subject to any quality control or legislation,not inspected or bound by regulation
no crb or inspections
its not employment
its not income generating

a housewife watching own children couldn't be more different from an external nursery nurse or cm

nursery nurse is salaried, cm self employed. attract financial remuneration as it is employment

housewife unpaid,as its not employment

Sorry Scottishmummy, sounds like the same jobs to me, lol. So what about volunteers who don't get paid for their services, they aren't paying tax or NI are they not doing a job then?

I am not a "housewife" I am not married. At the moment I am a stay at home mum because I have one out of school.

I am home because I want to. I have not been forced into it by a misogynistic man or made to believe this is the way it should be from my upbringing. Sometimes it is hard work sometimes it is easy sometimes I do lots of house work and have lots of running around to do. Other I don't. I don't believe it is the hardest option as such and I have not sacrificed myself for my children.
I don't believe that I am a better mother or more superior to working mothers because I don't work but I don't think that I am any less valid as a person for it either.

I do know a few mums that have to work for financial reasons and they feel guilty about this and have a tendency to over indulge their children I have been told by one that they don't see them for much time so they don't want to spend it telling them off. (their child it a little challenging)

So I really don't think working is a bad thing but if you feel guilty for it and would rather be home that can have a negative effect but if like most of the mums on this thread who work you see it as a good thing then that's good.
In the same way as if you feel trapped and used as a sahm you will be having a negative effect on the children and probably the whole family.

I guess your attitude towards your situation can have an impact on your children more than the situation itself.