SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Word -of course I have. But I am debating the issues as presented in this thread. I have heard people say you should make all under 5s learn two instruments as well. But it's not relevant to this discussion.

Meta- but it is a fact that some people stay at home because they believe this is the best way to nurture their children. Yes that's a subjective opinion, but people are entitled to hold it. It is possible to hold that opinion in relation to your family AND respect the different choices of others.

@Bonsior And many of them don't.

Why would it be tricky to explain to DCs that it is altogether better for their wellbeing, their parents' relationship, the family etc if their mother doesn't WOH and the family is in the fortunate position of being able to afford that choice - and then, in changed circumstances, explain to DC that due to less income, they will unfortunately no longer have the luxury of a SAHM? I cannot see any kind of problem there.

Won't that make your DD feel a bit of a second rate mother bonsoir ? If she has to work once she has DC?

Aren't you setting her up to feel not quite good enough?

Better to say, I want to stay at home, and I can. But you, DD, may well feel different.

That way you're not embuing your decision with any moral weight.

@Sarco you can hold whatever opinions you want and of course if asked (as, I suppose, this thread asks) it's not unreasonable to talk about them. But as a general rule, it;s the sort of opinion that is better left unaired unless you actually want to do damage. The decisions are always rooted in economics, and economics is the only 'justification' that matters. Everything else is just flimflam. Until SAHM realise that, and stop justifying themselves in any other terms, all women will find themselves at one point or another having to justify their choices and it's just not necessary or desirable. Once the SAH decision is seen as purely another economic decision a family will make, then it will stop being used as a weapon, and everyone will be happier, SAHPs and WOHPs, men and women, alike.

We tell our children that every generation and every country has different circumstances and that the choices that we make are not made in a vacuum but according to the society we live in. The society they live in will be different and they will make their own choices accordingly - as we have done (and we certainly do not live as our parents did, in any shape or form). Education in France is such that outsourcing childcare is a pretty dangerous option - were we to live in England we would feel very differently and, indeed, all our DC have experience of school in one/all/some of the UK, the US, Australia, Canada. They can compare and understand our position. What more should we do? I have no feelings of inadequacy about the message we give.

I think also, that we might see more Dads taking the decision to SAH if it were not set up to be such a difficult task, that requires the skill set of a nuclear scientist crossed with Mother Teresa.

@word Exactly. I am as annoyed with people giving going to work some kind of moral brownie points as I am people giving staying at home moral authority. But most people do have to work so I think it is sensible if you have DCs to try and do your bit to make the world they will have to live in a bit better than the one we have had to live in. Fairy steps work eventually, but not if you stop taking them or go backwards.

I may have it wrong,but I dont understand how SAHM are financially dependent on their earning partners.
If there was a divorce, 9 times out of 10,the women get the children and half of the assets.
Or have things changed in the last few years that I have not heard about?

I fundamentally disagree that I hold dangerous, subversive or 'better left unaired' views.

I'm advocating free decision making. The right for women to do as they please. The right of mothers to nurture as they see fit.

Better left unaired? Damaging? Ffs beam me up.

@Bonsoir I don't think you have ever posted anything that would make me suspect that you were giving the message to anyone that it takes 100% of a SAHPs day, just doing stuff to do with their DCs. Quite the reverse. I'm sure you are both an excellent parent and role model. Just in case there was any chance you thought I thought otherwise.

Hmm... it is interesting, philosophically, that being a SAHM is seen as a moral decision, as the right thing to do by some but often only if your partner can afford to support you financially. It is not widely accepted and not accepted by the state that it is the moral choice to stay at home as a parent if that makes you reliant on state benefits is it?

'9 times out of 10,the women get the children and half of the assets.'

Surely you understand that might mean half of nothing???

amillion the vast majority of women find themselves living in much less comfortable circumstances post divorce.

Most families simply do not have enough assets, income, to set up two homes in the standar everyone was used to.

Thatw as why WFTC were orginally thouht of. There was a huge glut of women who suddely found themselves wihtout enough maintenance to keep themselves and without the wherewithall to secure well paid employment.

Also, on retirement, many women who have not paid into their own pension find that a proportion of the ex DH's is simply insufficient.

plus that still makes them financially dependent on their partners!!

Single parentdom tends to reduce anyone's standard of living, by virtue of the simple fact that having two adults to do the work (income generating or in kind) in a single home is going to be more economically efficient than having one adult doing so.

Having said that, French women prefer not to marry when they are high earners and/or capital rich in order not to get fleeced by the taxman (especially when they are older/wiser/in second relationships). It really does depend on where you live and the tax régime as much as anything.

Metabilis, You are right. Let's be honest here. I am at home because I prefer to do so, my Dc love me being at home, and because we can afford to.

I am not 100% sahm material, as I also work from home as a translator. I do this only about an hour or two a day, to keep my hand in, and to keep the way to "WOHM" life open.

I am well aware circumstances can change, DH almost had a burn out and was going to just quit his job a year ago. I felt completely unprepaired for that! So it brought home I'd better brush up my CV. I am back on linked-in etc.

I do not dream of going back to my original career, as it was an all or nothing job (management consultant) which was fun pre-children, and I did feel terribly important, but I have a much nicer time now. I had a bad experience with a child minder, which coloured my view of outsourcing childcare. And she was GREAT on paper!

I really really LIKE being there after school, I really LIKE being able to look after them when they are sick, I LIKE being able to spend the summer holidays with them, but I would not tell women they should ALL live like me, as:
a.) it is not financially viable for many
b.) it can be very claustrophobic (February half term with a child with impetigo anyone?)
c.) it can be very isolating
d.) to give up your financial independence you need a very good agreement with your DH

It annoys me however, when blinkered people like Xenia who can only see their own POV and hammer on about it, make out I am stupid, or a zombie who "likes singing the wheels of the bus" 25 times (not that I ever did that, I have too much imagination for that!). I have lots of friends who work, and many who are at home, but we are not as bitchy and judgy as MN folk, thankfully, about eachother's life choices.

@Chandon I can understand how you would be annoyed. And I am sure you are doing the best thing possible for your family. And being honest about it too, which is great

We invented our own version of 'Wheels on the bus' which we sang many more times than 25. Many many more. It had a theme. The best verses were, in no particular order, the daleks (they say exterminate); the master (he says, you will obey me); the cybermen (they say 'delete delete delete') and K9 (he says 'affirmative, master'). It used to drive DH up the wall but DD2 adored it.

This is tricky stuff.

My mum gave up her job when she had me and never WOH again. She didn't want to, didn't need to, so she didn't. I had a happy, secure childhood.

I now have 2 DDs. I like to work, need (financially) to work, have a professional career. I have worked since DD1 was 9mths old, and have always made huge efforts to ensure that they are in excellent care and that I am there for their 'significant events'. I am confident that they also have a happy, secure childhood (and would intervene immediately if I thought otherwise).

However, I often feel guilty, and that I have failed to meet the benchmark of maternal devotion set for me by my mum. And my mum - although she is free of guilt in respect of her parenting (as far as I know) - feels regret that she did not pursue a career, or at least a job, and finds herself in her 60s wondering what else could have been.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that a lot of this is about the mother, not the child. What will make you feel more guilty? What will you regret more? This is personal stuff and it's difficult to generalise it to normative statements.

'really do hope all you SAHM only have female children. Because you might be damaging their futures, but that's your call. If you have male children (and sadly I know some of you do) then you are potentially causing future problems for my DDs. So, you know, cheers for that'

I really cannot believe I am reading the above. What a odd thing to say. I am effectively SAHM (work very part time) but I can assure you my son will be aware that women do go out to work. In fact I worked for 19 years pre dc and intend to increase my hours of work as they get older.
However, I also believe that what I do in the home is just as valuable as my paid work.

Must go and read rest of thread now.

Plus, sometimes you do have to take a view. With 3 dc going back to work can leave you out of pocket if you aren't highly paid.

"No way have women fought to be economically dependent slaves at home giving sex and cleaning and childcare services in return for money from men. Women fought to become doctors, leaders, soldiers and we continue that fight."
I take no lessons in feminism from somebody who thinks that women who don't earn 100k are less worthy than those that do. Or that women who do "menial" jobs are to be dispised.

Don't despise anyone. However the more women at home compared with men the worse women's position is and the less likely it is we will ever get to a position of equality and many of us will turn up to meeting after meeting with mostly men there.

I do think most women are bored being housewives and those who say they like looking after say a baby, toddler and 3 year old for 10 hours a day must have a screw missing. It is very hard work and very repetitive and a huge part of it is cleaning up. It's the lowest grade cleaning work in the land.

Please stop using the term "housewife". I am not a housewife, and I think I only know one woman who is.

See I don't know why women are defensive about the term housewife.

It just denotes someone who doesn't have an income from work and keeps the house going.

I met a woman on Friday who called herself a SAHM, yet her DC are in boarding school. I was . And when they go off to university in a year or so, surely she can't still be a SAHM? Yet little will have changed in terms of what she does each day (cleaning, gardneing, walking her dog, cooking, reading etc).

He word "housewife" is only used in discussions like this as q derogatory term. I am not defensive about it at all- I just don't want people using loaded words. And "housewife" is loaded with images of women in 50s frocks and pinnies doing a little light dusting.