SAHM or private school for DC(s)

[Gatorade]

I have a 4 month old DD and I am starting to think about what I want to do in relation to going back to work and future school options (these decisions appear to linked as affordability starts to come into the equation).

We could comfortably afford for me to be a SAHM and send DD to a private school (well pre-school nursery first, but then through the private school system), this again would be ok for a second DC. The difficulty would be if we have more than 2 DCs, if we are lucky enough we would like 3 or 4.

If we were to have 3 DCs I would need to work at least 3 to 4 days a week to ensure that we could maintain our lifestyle (which is quite basic really, we are not extravagant people) and fund the school fees from earned income.

I am not too worried about my own future career, I feel I have achieved what I wanted to in terms of work before I had DD and if I don't have a professional career again in the future (if, for example I take 10+ years out of the workplace) this wouldn't concern me.

So my question, what would be more beneficially to my DD and future children, having a SAHM or going to private school?

Xenia,are your daughters and your sons of equal importance to you?

I'd say Xenia has been blunt rather than rude / insulting. This actually a pretty good natured thread given the topic (did you see the Cherie Blair AIBU last week?).

Indeed and Ms Booth is to be commended for her stance.

I read the Cherie Booth article... I though the overall drift was positive, actually, but some of the ways she has expressed it, well, less than helpful.

She needs to be aware/beware of the soundbite...

Xenia are you actually Cherie!??

db
xx

I was referring to the AIBU thread on here though. Whatever you thought of the article the abuse directed at her was extremely unpleasant.

I much prefer some straight talking but I think we get too used to the politician's way of not really saying what they mean in case it loses them votes, so when someone makes their point in an uncompromising way it really stands out.

The reason I have found Xenia rude on this thread (at times). Is not because of bluntness, I'm quite blunt, I like it.

It is because of her refusal to compromise. She says her opinions as if they are fact and as if they apply to all people universally.

Most people have enough empathy to see that in life, as in discussions, flexibility is called for.

Xenia-do you only judge the value of a job by how much the salary is?

Value? It depends what we are talking about. Countless threads on mumsnet are about women having no money. It s a constant whinge. They cannot leave a nasty husband because they like the lifestyle his wage brings. They cannot have a third child as they cannot afford it. They cannot go back to work but want to as they cannot earn enough to cover child care. See also countless credit crunch threads - are beans cheaper at Tesco or Asda etc.

In the light of that anyone can see that money matters to women and if their school failed to say if you become an actuary you will earn X and if you become a Tesco check out person Y and this is what it will mean for your life (and indeed your marriage prospects - many men want someone on a par with them in terms of education and career these days never mind socially) the school and their parents have let them down.

So on a personal level many women would not have these moans if they earned £100k a year. It solves a lot of life's problems if you have enough money.

If you are asking me the moral question as to whether washing the feet of the sick or running BP is morally the best job I would say it's neutral although your capacity to do more good in the world and indeed found your own charities (I was with someone for work on Friday who runs one as a hobby in Africa for example - most cleaners cannot afford to do that) is higher if you are well paid.

Xenia, money and job don't matter to me, my family does. I often hear you talk about being a good role model for our children and I wondered how you are going to explain that to them when they are older. My dcs have all said they really appreciate the fact that I gave up a career to bring them up rather than like some of their peers who hardly see their parents.
It is my opinion that society is beeding a generation of institutionalised citizens. Quite often it starts from a few weeks at nursery, then pre school, nannies, child minders, school, after school care, holiday care etc. This is all our society will know. I also think as caring for a family will be alien to them as others will have done it for their parents, that this generation will not care for elderly parents but put them in homes. Their careers will have enabled them to afford this.

Hmm but not everyone has the capacity to earn 100k

And even if they did the economy could not survive it.

So what's to become of all these people? You seem to hate them, is this just my impression?

lol,an agenda?
most definitely
so who is your wage slave?presumably one has a partner who earns the salary, pays the mortgage, finances your lifestyle. is your partner institutionalised citizen

"So on a personal level many women would not have these moans if they earned £100k a year. It solves a lot of life's problems if you have enough money."

Very true. And maybe if I had been earning that much and had the lifestyle/home/luxurys that went with it then that would have been a different matter because even after paying a nanny I would have still been left with roughly £50k more than the average income. And lets face it when you have money that is a very difficult thing to give up.
But the majority of people are not earning that sort of money and a vast amount of their wage goes on childcare. For some giving up work means just tightening their belts a bit and to them it is worth it for the time with their children.
My mum worked because she had to. There simply wasn't enough money if she didn't. I remember being sad when most of my friends went home with their mums and I didn't. There was no having friends over for dinner or chatting to my mum on the way home from school. Therefore when I became a mum and was privalaged (In my world) enough not to have to work I wanted to look after them myself. So the experiance of having a working mum made me not want that for my children.
Xenia - if one of your own children wanted to give up work for their children would you be disappointed and would you tell them that?

I dont think that 100k is needed to be independent - our combined salary is less than that and on the recent thread about where you stand in reference to the rest of the country DH and I had 86% more than the lowest salary.
We work in the public sector in "everyday" roles. We live a very comfortable life and I am very grateful.
The problem is Xenia lacks empathy for anyone who isnt her and quite frankly is rather narrowminded - an elementary error imho.

I'm not sure if the question was for me concerning institutionalised children? I just think its a different take on career/ sahp.

I don't think you need to work to be a good role model for your dc, and think that Xenia is wrong to suggest families are better off with both parents working. I think she puts others down to make herself feel better, rather than looking at why she is not happy with her choices, Maybe guilt.

My d/h does work to support us but I have also paid into the family pot at times. He is fortunate to work for himself in our LTD co. We don't have a mortgage anymore, but he didn't have to earn that much to pay it off.
I was brought up with living within your means, no credit (apart from mortgage), and saving for things you couldn't afford out right.

Of course you are not institutionalised if you are brought up by two parents who rush home to be with you and a nanny. You get more not less care than if you have an absent father who couldn';t care less and leaves it all to muggins mum and a mother run off her feet at home with 3 under 5s.

When our youngest were young I did not earn £100k and we paid half the childcare each and that was half of each of our net pay but we knew that early investment or even loss was worth it for the 30 years of riches as it were to follow. You have to play a long game. Do you want children in private school graudating without debt seeing a very successful mother who loves her career or not?

Someone asked what my children think. They have bee interviewed in the press sometimes over the years about working mothers. I found a recording of myself on woman's hour from about 20 years ago on the topic. 3 have graduated and they are perfectly able to comment on my work. One was in my office a few minutes ago tlaking about an interview she has tomorrow which because it is not too different from what I do I can really hlep her with just as mothers who are doctors can help their student doctor child. Housewievs have no such capacity. The children lose out. In fact if the child is successful the mother just gets further and furrther away from their world. You owe it to your children to work really.

The press never says anything like enough about how chidlren benefit from working mothers proably beacuse journalist are not paid much and often cannot cope with working and children b ecause they just aren't able to hack it.

potato I think Xenia is happy with the choices she made and sounds like a loving involved parent.
It is true that children do better when both parents WOHM .Despite all the inference that SAH is best - children are better off and achieve more if both parents WOH/WAH.
I always wonder what SAHM would do if they had no choice but to go out to work - do they think they will automatically become a bad mum ? NO because no matter what your financial circumstances or whether you work in or out of the home - most parents put their children first whether SAH or WOH ( have been both)

I don't think its better or worse for both parents to work or not. I certainly don't think you are a bad role model if you don't. My problem is people who tell me one or the other with nothing to back it up. For me and my family it works me being a sahm, for others this might be a life sentence. Everybody brings their children up how they feel fit, there is no better way.

now thats a softening in stance,compared to your misplaced assertion of "institutionalised citizens" as result of two working parents

but the institutionalised citizens hypothesis,well its just risible

btw is your partner an institutionalised citizen too as a result of paid employment? or does that only apply to others

Xenia, you spout such bollocks. How do you know that a sahm is a housewife? How do you know her children won't end up doing something like she did before dcs. In fact my dd only 8 and is going in exactly the same direction as I did and will be able to join the company soon. Also, maybe a sahm's children might want to do this themselves or not be career minded. Both my mil/ mother gave me valuable help when I first had dcs as many mothers do.
I find it interesting how people measure success, to me its if you are living life to the full and have reached self actualisation, contentment. My happiness isn't determined on how much money I have, or a career. But its each to their own

It is better for DC longterm especially girls if both parents WOH Fact
We should be fighting for the rights of parents not throwing away hard earned careers . By this I mean Maternity/Paternity leave that gives real choice .

not as much bollocks as dystopian "institutionalised citizens" thats risible

Scottishmummy.

My dh formed a company and is lucky to work if and when he wants to. So as he is mainly at home I would suggest that he wasn't institutionalised. My previous comment was a theory that institutionalised children will grow up knowing that care involves placing those needing care in an institution. I was talking about children who are brought up mainly by agencies instead of their parents. I was not suggesting that all working parents dcs were like this. Of course I would work if I had to, it was my personal preference not to.

TheTeaPig. I would be interested to see your evidence, I would hate to think I'd let my 3 dcs down.

I should add that excellent maternity leave and flexible working made it possible for me to spend time with my DCs and WOH plus a DH who took his role as a parent seriously. I know I am lucky.
My teenagers are rarely alone ... much to their annoyance

lol,so youre actualised into a higher state
your doesn't earn money then...is that too vulgar
whether he self employed in home or works externally in a company hes a wage earner contributing to and participating in capitalism.

and the money he earns folds the same way as everyone else's