Parents from private schools

[freakazoidroid]

We are considering private school for our dd. She is already at the nursery of the school we like and is due to start in reception in sept.
What I am worried about is the community of a private school. If she went to our local primary it would be more like that.
Can anyone please say what their experiences are? Have you made good friends with other parents and socialise with them?
Also we are not loaded and do not have a massive house and lots of nice holidays. In fact holidays would not occur much if we go private.
Will this hinder my dd at school as she gets older with her friends, will they pick on her for not having the lifestyle?
Thanks!

Our children are at private school. Generally, we don't socialise much.

There is a diverse range of income brackets at private schools, mnt struggling to cover fees. There was one private Prep school we considered that was truely excellent but we had a slight twinge of doubt about the fact that many of the children there were from staggeringly wealthy or aristocratic backgrounds. I mean oligarch billionaire level or in line for hereditary peerages. We were unsure what kind of social mix that would create.

mnt = many

Depends on the school. Sorry, that's no help really.

Do consider local friend's too- if your local primary school has q good community with lots of children playing out and so on, your dd might find it hard to be one of that group if she doesn't go to school with them. And her private school friends will probably come from further afield, so you'll hqve to b more involved in organising her social life.

We've made lots of friends with other parents in our private schools, and do lots of socialising. We didn't do any of that when our children were in the local primary school.

We have a very modest house and no one expects us to host sleepovers or parties (they know were are full with five children of our own). But the wealthier families are very generous.

There are plenty of families who put all their money into school fees and do not have exotic holidays or fancy cars. Our cars are 8 and 12 years old and we go on one cheapish holiday a year. We are not unusual and I don't think anyone is keeping notes.

One more personal experience.

I went to boarding scool and differences in background and wealth was not generally a problem until 6th form. My parents struggled to cover fees, we never went on holiday and I had very few nice clothes and little or no pocket money. That became an issue for me as other children became much more aware of social status.

There's a mix of people. There are people driving around in shiny new cars with personalised plates and taking many holidays a year, clearly school fees are not difficult to pay for them. There are others sacrificing huge amounts to pay the fees - eg I know of a family in a 1 bed flat who have chosen to pay private school fees rather than live in a bigger place. There are others who have fees paid by grandparents. There are some with big salaries who pay the fees without too much worry. There are some with moderate salaries who can just manage the fees. There are children who leave because the fees are too large. There is such a variety and in our school, nobody is particularly bothered about how rich other parents are, they are much more interested in whether their child is getting a good education.

I am another who sent a child to private school when he had never been on a plane. It doesn't matter IMO as long as you (the parent) don't have fits of jealousy about stuff like that.

Mine started at a pre-prep very near where we live (youngest still there). All the pupils live locally and there is def a community feel - eldest has moved on at 7+ to a prep school and i am still in touch with parents from her year (and she is still in touch with some of the children who went on to different schools).
DD's new school has a much wider "catchment" and quite a few of the children travel there by school bus, so there is much less of a community feel. Does not really bother me as I work full time, and the parent organisation does make an effort to hold regular social events. Hence, I expect I will get to know people but it is likely to be more gradual. DD's "playdates" with her new school freinds outside school are pretty much confined to weekends and holidays, and that definitiely took a bit of adjusting for her, but her new school has much more in the way of after school activities, and she still sees friends from her old school (including a couple who went on to the same school as her) duting the week from time to time.

So I think a private school can feel like a community school, but it depends on the school.

Sorry, I did not cover income range. At the local pre-prep there was a reasonable range. I think less so at DD's new school, although it goes up to 18 (with more joining at 11 plus) and my impression is that the senior school is more diverse in terms of income range, with quite a few children coming from state schools (whereas pretty much everyone in the prep class moved there from pre-preps and other private schools) and quite a few bursuries.
Again, therefore it depends on the school.

Thanks for your replies it's very reassuring to hear.

There are all sorts of parents at my childrens private school and I dont think anyone particularly cares about the parents social backgrounds, least of all the children. I am a single parent, went to a comp, working full time and driving an old car. One of my sons best friends lives in a stately home. Its really not an issue unless you feel it will be.

But there are quite a lot of expensive trips, music lessons etc etc so do add at least £1000 to your fees bill over the year to avoid a nasty shock

"There are all sorts of parents at my childrens private school "

Except poor ones, obviously!

It depends on the school (and she/you can even mix with people from other schools).
However if it is going to be a struggle/sacrifice at this age; please do look at: extras, and the increase in fees as she get older, and the annual increase in fees (its greater than inflation on average).

My son went to state primary which was classed as outstanding it was a church school. Very oversubscribed and we probably are not going to get in. Church attendance etc. My husband hated the school and my son was not particulary sporty and all the other boys were heavily involved in sport outside of school and all of the parents were very cliquey. Which I feel made him feel left out. He is now at the outstanding secondary school.
The school my dd would go to state, is satisfactory and is very different. It has a very mixed intake and different ethos.

' "There are all sorts of parents at my childrens private school "

Except poor ones, obviously! '

Not "obviously" at all. There are parents who are TAs, teachers and cab drivers at DSs private school.

Personally, if you have a good local state primary I would send your child there and save money for tutoring and private secondary later.

Oh and my son is not so confident , we believe because of the clique at school. The parents and boys are all v friendly and for some reason we were never really accepted.
In the past month we think the school may have caused this. Before he started at the school he was more confident. He started in year 2.

At my DS's old prep we had Russian Oligarchs, and hereditary peers, Sunday Times rich listers etc. In fact they were the friendliest bunch. It was the next level down that I found less friendly; big houses 10 bedrooms not 30, only one second home not 10 houses and your own private island, etc. In the 6 yrs we were there I did make friends and socialise with other parents but primarily from the former group or those at the other end of the spectrum who like us struggle to pay the fees. But my son made friends with all of the children.
Now at senior school you are less involved and we see less of the other parents, who I understand are very wealthy and most are very friendly when we do meet them; we have met up a few times before exeats etc. My DS doesn't have the "lifestyle" but again has friends from all backgrounds, they are all boys and I wonder if boys are more accepting or perhaps less bitchy (I admit my prejudice).
Some schools definitely have a clique the year below my DS had one. Its easy to assume the reason is that you are not as wealthy but in our case in turned out that the clique not only ignored me but also the Sunday Times rich listers and the hereditary peers as well. Money does not buy you manners and remember rich people can be very insecure and feel threatened by those who don't conform to their pre conceived ideas.
Is it knocking his confidence because your concerned about the gap between you and some of the parents is transmitting to him? I don't think seven year old are that clued up on social status etc.

It probably depends where you live. DDs primary, they were on the whole just pretty normal nice people. Some were busting a gut to pay fees or had help from grandparents. The carpark had one Bentley but lots of old hatchbacks and everything in between (somewhat fewer 4x4 than typically outside the village CofE at pickup time - and most of those belonged to people who actually live down country lanes or oop on't moor)

Made some good friends, over a year after DD left we still have regular 'mums' nights out'.

My DC both went to an outstanding state C of E primary until we moved them in year 5. It was a bresh of fresh air. The prep school parents are much friendlier and less hung up on status and who has what.

The thing that binds the parents is not the comparable amounts in their bank accounts, the bonds are formed by the childrens' friendships, sports allegiances and the ambitions and educational choices of the parents. You will have all that in common even if you have differing bank balances.

But for what it's worth, my child initially went to a school full of kids of TV stars and sports heroes and captains of industry... now my child is at a school which is selective and therefore has a much wider spread of social backgrounds, made possible by generous bursaries and scholarships. I have the same things in common with the new parents as I had with the old ones.

You do get the odd child who wants to know how many bathrooms you have in your house before accepting a playdate... but you learn to avoid those odd ones!

Ohnoherewego I am finding that too regarding the middle class hang ups!

There is a mix and I have made some friends over the last 5 years, but not close friends iyswim, Generally I don't find may parents there that I enjoy socialising with - some are very shallow, concerned only with clothes, cars, manicures, where they go skiing and how many days the gardener comes in. I tend to avoid these parents and I know they are aware of this which can be uncomfortable at times (more for them than me I think).

We are very bog standard, just well enough off to afford 1 set of fees, so certainly don't spend 3 weeks in Courcheval every winter, or have a cook, so I feel I have nothing to contribute to these sorts of conversations.

The other children seem far less hung up about money than their parents, so there is no bullying about this.

As many posters say, there are good and bad everywhere.

I must admit that before our DC went to prep I had misgivings about whether we wuld fit in.
But in fact there is a real mix. Plenty of parents are first time buyers and went to state school themselves.
And yes, there is a mix of income levels to some extent.

The overwhelming majority of parents have been educated to tertiary level though so not a great social mix iyswim.

It has been a resounding success. DC extraordinarily happy. I've made lots of great friends as have they.

And OP I wouldn't care less how much cash you have.
If you and your DC are nice, which I'm sure you are, then you'd do for me

From looking at the cars and clothes at the local primary school gate I would say most families there have more disposable cash than at ds's prep.