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Original poster

Parents from private schools

893 replies

freakazoidroid · 15/12/2011 08:57

We are considering private school for our dd. She is already at the nursery of the school we like and is due to start in reception in sept.
What I am worried about is the community of a private school. If she went to our local primary it would be more like that.
Can anyone please say what their experiences are? Have you made good friends with other parents and socialise with them?
Also we are not loaded and do not have a massive house and lots of nice holidays. In fact holidays would not occur much if we go private.
Will this hinder my dd at school as she gets older with her friends, will they pick on her for not having the lifestyle?
Thanks!

OP posts:
seeker · 15/12/2011 15:40

Prep school car park full of "beaten up old Volvos" is it? Somehow it always is!

Pagwatch · 15/12/2011 15:45

It depends on the school to an extent.

There are very snotty schools with parents who check out your car but they are few and far between and you can usually spot them at open day. Just avoid those.
Absoloutely the most money orientated, class ridden, competitive and snide parent base is at a state primary I know well.

And there are people who judge you in every walk of life. There will be snide chippy shit from people who object to private and feel it is fine to comment. Not often, but wankers walk in all areas of life.

MarshaBrady · 15/12/2011 15:45

I've made friends and find the parents nice and supportive. But we don't have many very, very wealthy parents like those mentioned on this thread. And it's only up to 7. Next school could be different.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 15/12/2011 15:51

It always makes me laugh when arriviste parents join an independent school, expecting to start a social life with the landed, wealthy and famous. The reality is always a bit of a shock.

FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 15:55

whatstheetiquette pretty much summed it up for me. I would not worry about the child being bullied for being less well off than others at all (although I am sure it has happened to someone somewhere, I do not think it is such the common clicue it is made out to be.)

But one thing I would think very carefully about is HOW MUCH you are going out on a limb to do this, and how secure in the long term you are feeling about paying the fees. It is very, very hard (mentally/emotionally) to remove a child who is happy and thriving at school if you find you cannot no longer manage to pay. And as all the good state schools will be over-subscibed you may well find yourself moving your child into the very type of school you were aiming to avoid in the first place, through total lack of choice.

If you are treading a fine line with managing fees I would suggest it is safer to spend on moving into the catchment of a decent state school instead. At least you know that worst case scenario you lost your house, at least you wouldn't lose the school place as well.

wordfactory · 15/12/2011 15:58

MrsJ - I'm a complete arriviste and I expected quite the opposite.
I thought it would be all evry proper and uptight. I htought everyone would have been to private school themselves and would have no idea about how ordinary folk go on.

I was wrong.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 15/12/2011 16:01

HG you are insufferable. Your son has only just started at his school - how on earth do you know how wealthy the other boys' parents are. Yuck! And how revolting to even think Russian oligarchs are lovely people.

pretendhousewife · 15/12/2011 16:02

If you want to be part of the community go to the local community school. Private schools have families from all over the place so there won't be a local connection. Save the money for secondary school or tutors.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 15/12/2011 16:02

Word factory :)

FellatioNelson · 15/12/2011 16:07

seeker I reply to your comment 'except poor ones obviously' I would disagree with that. Of course 'poor' children are very much in the minority, but there are some. In my DCs school there were one or two who were on some kind of bursary and/or funded (or at least subsidised) by social services - not quite sure of the exact facts as it would have been rude to ask, but the fees were certainly not paid by the parents.

Also we had at least one family I know of where the mum was divorced/single and a full time mature student on income support/HB/whatever (sorry - not an expert on benefits!) When her son left to go to state 6th form college he was eligible for EMA. I have no idea who paid their fees - father perhaps, or GPs.

pretendhousewife · 15/12/2011 16:12

I don't think it matters whether children are rich or poor - if OP is interested in being part of a school community there's no point in private school because most families live far away from each other. At state schools you also get huge diversity in class, income and cultures, there's always someone to get on with.

wordfactory · 15/12/2011 16:18

I think it depends what you mean by school community.

If you want your DC to be invited on playdates etc you will certainly get that..albit you may have to drive to their home to pick up.
You may get more than you want. Middle class moms are v keen on playdates Wink.

If you want mums that coffee and lunch you'll certainly get that as far more SAH than is usual in the populace.

If you want school wide functions you can knock yourself out. There are xmas fayers, balls, Burns nights, piano recitals...you bloody name it.

If you want charity events, again you will be in your element. They are flippin weekly.

pretendhousewife · 15/12/2011 16:23

Middle class Mums are more keen on playdates if it involves a walking distance pickup, and are even more keen if their offspring can walk to school themselves. Xmas Wink

JordanBaker · 15/12/2011 16:29

Seeker I do find your attitude to private schools really tiresome. Of course there are 'poor' families there-that's what bursaries are for. And yes, there are some old bangers in the car-parks. Possibly driven by the families whose children have received bursaries, possibly by people who don't want to spend money on cars. I don't know and I really don't care.

I take it from your other posts that you live in Kent. I know you don't agree with grammar schools but you're still appealing to get your son into one. In an imperfect world we all do whatever we have to do to get the education for our children that we think will suit them best. What we have to do will vary according to where we live. In some places that means going private, even though that might be a struggle financially and/or not sit well with our conscience.

I wish you well with your appeal for a grammar school place for your son, but do you think you could ease up on the snide comments aimed at the rest of us who are also trying to do right by our children?

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 15/12/2011 16:49

Grammar schools re open to everyone though. Even the most generous independent school bursary still makes it impossible for most people.

seeker · 15/12/2011 16:55

JordanBqker, I bet you don't find me as tiresome as I find people who suggest that private school is available to anyone if only they tried hard enough. And who define poverty as no foreign holidays and the iconic "beaten up old Volvo" Very very few schools offer 100% bursaries. And even those that do, they tend to go to the impoverished middle classes.

seeker · 15/12/2011 16:58

"What we have to do will vary according to where we live. In some places that means going private, even though that might be a struggle financially and/or not sit well with our conscience."

For the vast majority of people it can't mean "going private" because they could no more afford private school than fly.

Flattered, by they way, that you know so much about my personal circumstances- is that perchance from "Another Place"?

lljkk · 15/12/2011 17:01

I honestly don't know, it's taken a while to make contcts. DS goes on the bus I don't bump into kids or parents much, anyway. Not many Playdates.

The little contact I've had, mostly just parents in DS's actual year group, has been fine. I would say they're always owners of decent but not extravagant homes (except the church-worker couple for whom I know it's a big financial stretch), none seem to be in housing association or unemployed, quite unlike the diversity of our state system experience (no bursaries and nearly nil fund raising, too). They seem to smoke A LOT less than average. I think DS school is unusual (compared to most privates) in that it seems to be a kind of safety net for oddball kids that don't get along in state system, rather than a place that elitists would prefer (so as a result there aren't many snobs likely to send their kids there). There's a very high % of kids with SN or social problems at this partic. school.

DS feels that the kids at his school are spoilt & have no idea about how well off they are, and what stuff costs in the real world or not being able to have whatever they want due to cost, because they take it for granted that they have all the gadgets and nice clothes. He tells a story of a girl who got dog muck on her £300 boots on non-uniform day. It's not that they are truly wealthy, but there aren't any truly poor ones, either (what Seeker said, really). He says that a girl in his year told her parents off for a £350 birthday gift (felt her parents couldn't afford it). So maybe it's a school for indulgent parents as much as anything.

thebestisyettocome · 15/12/2011 17:05

If you believe the school is the right one for your child, you should have the resilience to deal with the crappy parents and children you and your dc encounter because, guess what, these people exist in every school in the land.

amerryscot · 15/12/2011 17:07

So, Seeker, it is OK to make your decision based on your criteria, but not on ours?

I smell the big H.

JordanBaker · 15/12/2011 17:08

I realise that MrsJ. My point is that Seeker disagrees with Grammars and would argue that, in reality, they aren't open to everyone. But she's still willing to appeal for a place for her son because she believes that it will provide the best education for him. And I don't blame her. I just think it's a bit rich that she has a go at other people who are also trying to get the most appropriate education for their children, but who don't live in a grammar school area.

amerryscot · 15/12/2011 17:10

Personally, I choose the best place within my geographical and financial limitations for my children.

Given that DH and I have studied and worked hard to build up careers, we have more choices open to us than most. And exercise those choices we must.

seeker · 15/12/2011 17:12

Amerrysct, what would you have me do? I live where I live, and I can't for various reasons, move.

I have no choice but to educate my children in the selective system. If I had a choice I would take it. But I don't.

JordanBaker · 15/12/2011 17:13

Yes Seeker, and in the vast majority of cases, grammar school places are out of the question for children on free school meals, and go to middle class children. But you're still prepared to move heaven and earth to get your kids in there. Don't be such a hypocrite.

seeker · 15/12/2011 17:14

JoddanBaker, I say again, without moving, what choice do I hqve?

And actually, i don't "move heaven and earth". No tutoring, for example.