Support thread 15 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Mummyoflittledragon]

New thread. The old one is full…

I can just imagine the AG thread, there’s a Victoria Beckham one somewhere where posters say it’s totally normal to just eat fish and steamed vegetables every day for 20 years 🙄

EDs are absolutely rife in Hollywood, I think actors and actresses should at least have a healthy bmi especially in children’s films!! The woman playing Nancy in Stranger Things is another one, even dd looked at her and said she’s got to have an ED.

So a 700g loss for us this week 😔

I don't understand honestly. Her weight never seems to relate to what she's eaten. She eats more or less the same week on week with wildly differing results.

The only good thing is, she was shocked. And upset. Normally she's quite pleased with herself when she has a loss. Not this time. She's just came home and eaten her morning snack, all of it. She was upset and said 'you're going to stop me going anywhere now, aren't you?'. We said the choice was hers. If she completes the full meal plan she can go out like she has this week but if she doesn't then her friends will have to come here. She is full of promises to eat everything. I don't know if it'll last and I don't know how to feel.

She also said she'd eaten an extra snack when she was with her friends yesterday and didn't say anything because she felt ashamed and upset. I wondered why she was particularly tearful getting weighed.

Aww sorry that's really disappointing.
Hopefully it will push her to really go for it this week.
Do they weigh her at the same time every week? And make sure she has an empty bladder etc?
It sounds like she is at least a little motivated to recover which is a good sign.

They can't always give us appointments at the same time and day, no. Obviously that does lead to variations in her weight.

She's just finished every scrap of lunch. I don't know how long this will go on for because yesterday I'd have said she had zero desire to recover but this seems to have been a necessary shock.

@Weightlossworried
Despite the weight loss, your dd has learned something. She wants to be allowed to go out with her friends more than she wants to lose weight. So she did listen to what you said, which is really good. Every set back is a learning experience.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies
i didn’t see the VB thread, but after the AG one I can imagine. And I agree about the responsibility to have a healthy bmi to play in children’s films / shows. It seems skinny is really really in over there, especially in Hollywood in the wake of WLI. Microdosing.

Hi @Weightlossworried you must feel very confused. I bet you were shocked at how she reacted. Please don’t tell me they threatened hospital! Do they do her obs at the same time? Are they always ok?

I think you’re doing the right thing. We’ve already discussed her not exercising etc haven’t we. When she’s out is she walking a lot etc. I’m not saying she’s meaning to, but in this heat she will burn calories. It’s brilliant she wants to go out. So many don’t have that desire. Keep going as you are as she’s learning a lot and feeling emotions that will shock her, in a good way for you! Xx

Hi ladies, I've been quiet for a while as we've been on a relatively even keel, so I've been trying to talk to the blue balloon, to quote another thread. But ive been following and thinking of you all and the amazing work you're doing, and your children and their fights
Sorry to hear you've had a loss @Weightlossworried , let's hope there can be a silver lining in the impact on your DDs determination
I need a little hand hold tonight as I'm going away on a girls weekend, and its terrifying me, particularly leaving DD. Its a friend's birthday trip, very out of my comfort zone at the best of times.
DH does his best but I have led on everything to do with ED, and he's focused on keeping life normal for DS. This time last week I was ready to bailon the trip as he was getting impatient with her, convinced she was relapsing, and I was worried she'd go backwards without the usual routine. They're not as close as they were since she stopped sport and they just dont do as many things together, and it got stressy. That clash reset us all a bit, and shes done much better since, and theyre ok again.

And she'd see it as her fault if i didnt go!
I've prepped meals, briefed DH on breakfast prep, roped in DS to sit with her for breakfast,.and I know it'll be good for us all, but still scary!
And only the birthday girl knows what's been going on with DD, the others I know less well, and im not good at talking about it irl.
I know its a good problem to have, I just felt the need to acknowledge it in a place where people might get it!

Aw I think I can imagine how you feel. I'm not even going to tell you "try not to think about it while you're away" because I know if someone said that to me id think "yeah right!!"

You've got to have fun though and some time to yourself or you'll burn out. Is she in a position where if all goes wrong (which it won't because it sounds like you've got it all covered!) and she doesn't eat much, it would be a major issue? As in is she medically stable-ish at the moment?

It might also do their relationship some good.

I'm sure you'll come back refreshed and with more energy to deal with the thankless task. You deserve this. (By the way I'm also well out of my comfortable zone with that type of thing too!)

Hi @LurkyLurkyLou nice to hear things are good with you! I like to think what I would say to my former self when things were really tough. You would have dreamt of weekends like these.

I always over think things and wish I hadn’t. I think your DD will see it as a real sense of achievement that she is well enough to allow you to go. They will also miss you, which your DD won’t have done for a while. It’s good for them to miss you and realise how important you are to them. It’s also really important for you to go and have a great time! Have a drink for me xx

Thank you both, you're very right.
She is physically stable, weigh ins are monthly and whilst I share DHs concerns she may have lost a little she's not in a position where a few bad days would be concerning. Her issues now are what and where she'll eat, and how long she can take when it's tough. But shes making tiny steps with that, a weekend wont have much of an impact in reality
It will be good for all of us I'm sure, and its very true she hasn't had the chance to miss me for quite some time!

I’m new here. Can I ask, are all your DDs and DSs still school age and living at home? Mine is 26 and lives in London and was diagnosed last year.

I have an adult dc diagnosed as an adult during a levels, a year on and neet. still at home. They don't participate in family meals and services treated them as a fully independent adult

My DD has had absolutely fabulous support from St Ann’s hospital in London. One thing her psychotherapist said though was that she had done the whole thing (attempt recovery) without any support which quite upset me as both her boyfriend and I have done our best to listen and care and I’ve helped her out considerably financially so that she didn’t have to worry about bills. We’ve been at the sharp end of her anger, being constantly snapped at for saying the wrong thing and it felt like a harsh statement. My DD later clarified that she had meant in terms of food shopping and meal prepping and deciding what to eat, and having skimmed the posts on here it seems most of you have your DC at home and possibly provide help and support with food?

@LurkyLurkyLou
You absolutely need a break. My dh has taken dd away, I think twice to visit FIL abroad and once on a mini break. We all needed this time apart and I was on my knees.

The big difference between your situation and mine is, my dd has still never accepted she’s unwell. She has never got close to weight restoration. And as you say, a few light meals won’t jeopardise the progress your dd has made, which is very different from my dd. So it’s unlikely that you’ll come back and find your dd at start of relapse. And even if something goes drastically wrong, you will deal with it.

You’ve prepped everything. You are the one going away, so your dd and dh are home. There’s so more likelihood of success. And this will be really good for them to have some time alone, just the two of them. And good for your dd and dh to manage things alone.

@Desdemonadryeyes
Hi, my dd has just finished year 13. She very much isn’t independent yet. I imagine your dd lived independently before she became ill, so did already have these skills. But it’s really hard for a sufferer.

There are a number of steps your dd needs to take before putting food in her mouth. Being able to take food off shelves in supermarkets and opening sealed packets of food can be really challenging and lead to a lot of guilt. Some people can’t do either of those things. As a step to independence, I have just given my dd the job of getting bread for the house and I have to keep reminding her to do that. She eats a particular own brand bread, so it has to come from a particular shop. So this is totally for her.

It is therefore true to say that your dd has done really well to be able to look after herself, even though you and her boyfriend have been supporting her. And do try to see it as a positive thing, rather than diminishing your roles.

I totally get you have been on the receiving end of your dd’s anger. Some sufferers of anorexia become really angry. And they lash out at those, who they love the most. This is because you and her boyfriend are the biggest threats to the illness. And it will seek to push you both away.

I hope that you can reframe how you’re feeling knowing that the reason your dd is doing this to you is because she loves you both very much.

The treatment advised for a child with anorexia is for the parent to take over and make all the meals so the child doesn't have anything to do with what and how much they eat. It takes away them having to decide about food. But as far as I know that's only for children/adolescents. Also that method hasn't been successful for us so far. It sounds like you've done a lot for her. I know what you mean about always being subject to anger! I have already developed a thick skin!

@Mummyoflittledragon is the bread "Danish"? That's all my DD will have but I'm pretty sure that's because she knows it has the lowest calories!!

@Pearl97 they didn't threaten hospital thankfully. I would absolutely have stepped in if they did. They do her obs, yes. Her heart rate and blood pressure were high as they often are - she's stressed by the appointments and getting her to drink enough is a battle. Other good news is me and DH have an appointment with the family therapist on our own next week. I'm very grateful for this.

Luckily we seem to have our appointments with the lead nurse now rather than the male nurse we did have and don't particularly like. She was lovely. She said exactly what you have, that DD will have been using more energy because she's underweight even if she wasn't walking around a lot. We did drop her and pick her up right at the place she was hanging out so theoretically wouldn't have been walking much but in this heat, even a stroll to the shop would do it.

So far, exercise hasn't been a thing for DD. Although I know that could change at any moment. I've even overheard her telling her sister she's a 'bad anorexic' because she can't be bothered to exercise - worrying and reassuring at the same time. She doesn't do it now but obviously thinks she should be.

@LurkyLurkyLou I hope you enjoy your weekend away! I've had one since Dd was diagnosed and honestly it was exactly what I needed. I felt like 'me' again and it helped me be the strong, capable mum DD needs me to be.

@Desdemonadryeyes mine's a youngster but I really feel for you. There were a couple of parents to young adults on the beat course I did and it clearly brings with it some really tough challenges.

Hi @Weightlossworried so sorry you had a loss this time, I wonder if all the heat is affecting progress - it's certainly less appealing to eat when it's so hot, and of course all the sweating is going to burn off extra calories. However, I'm glad your DD has reacted that way, I think sometimes they might reach a point of being sick to death of the whole illness and decide enough is enough .. (this is what I've been clinging on to!) Also, sometimes the food goes toward repairing their organs instead..? trust the process.. trust that their body knows what to do.. Sending love and hope for the next one.. x

@LurkyLurkyLou I get that you are worried about going away, I'm the same in that it's been me 'leading' the whole time and DH supporting in the wings. I think sometimes the dads might not understand as much, or in my case don't bother reading so much of the guidance / books / info.. mine just sees her eating and presumes it's ok, whereas I need to see exactly what she's eating and make sure it's enough.. You will feel energised hopefully from some time away, and it will be good for everyone. It will also make them all realise how much they appreciate you! My social life has basically stopped and I have become a hermit with DD being especially clingy. We have got very close, which is a good thing though.. try and have a great time x

@CuppaTandBicky yes this approach didn't work for us either, but DD allows me to supervise her preparation, and all meals / snacks are agreed and planned in advance. She is stubbornly independent and focused on doing recovery herself... I do tend to cook family dinners though.

Has anyone else found the meal scheduling hard as a family? My DD needs to eat her evening meal later than everyone else as she simply isn't hungry enough due to the constant large meals and snacks all day .. so she's been eating on her own - she says this is also less stressful. I am looking forward to this time ending and getting our life back to normal but I know that is a long way off!

I'm on my last week off before returning to work next week (it's school luckily so only one more week before summer!) I was supposed to be going on the Gold DofE trip but couldn't go due to all this. Anorexia really takes so much us all doesn't it? We are hoping that the thoughts will start to quieten soon, as DD is finding it very hard still - she says everything feels 'wrong', eating feels wrong, restricting feels wrong, resting feels wrong, exercising feels wrong.. It must be so awful to feel like this every day. Everything I read is the same message basically (fake it til you make it, feel the fear and do it anyway, ready isn't a feeling it's a decision, sit with the discomfort ... etc etc.. ) basically there is no easy route, no shortcut, you just HAVE to go through the difficult feelings. The worst part is the slooooow progress .. the long time it takes!

Thanks for the support and encouragement. I do my best to understand what she is going through but it’s mainly phone calls. I am one of the causes of her anxiety (she was with me when I had an ‘accident’ which has left me rather disabled for the last 18 months). The other was her father who has since died which has obviously caused her more anxiety and stress.

it must be hard to witness your DCs struggling on a daily basis.

Mine lives with us but doesn't participate in any meals. I have noticed sufferers mentioning being unheard and alone and unhelped even (especially) when they've had a huge amount of support. I think its maybe part of it
Still hurtful though, and I find it moreso from another adult

I should have said and been kinder - you are not the cause of another person's anxiety. Even if they say you are or you think you are. It sounds like you've had a huge amount to deal with, even without feeling responsible for another person's inner thoughts

Thanks @Raspberrysins . I would love to think it was just a process of her organs repairing etc but she's never eaten her full meal plan so unfortunately it is a case of her just not eating enough.

The positivity lasted exactly one day and she's completely done a 180. She would rather not eat and never go out apparently. I assume her mind is giving her a very hard time about what she ate yesterday but my efforts to gently try and get her to talk about it haven't worked.

Desdemonadryeyes it sounds like you've both had a really hard time. I agree with unbuckle, you haven't given her anxiety. Life has dealt you both a rough hand.

@Weightlossworried I’m sorry that sounds really difficult. When all your efforts are failing it’s totally shit and demoralising. Does she accept that she’s ill? Has she ever voiced that she wants to get better? It must be so hard if they don’t. I’m also worried we might go backwards next weigh in as knowing they’ve increased one week can make the thoughts louder.

She accepts she's ill but is very resistant to restoring the weight. We're in a pattern of constant losing and restoring. It's extremely frustrating! But really it feels like whatever we try we're never going to make progress until she actually wants to gain back the weight she's lost

@Weightlossworried its such a dilemma for them I guess. Does she ‘like’ her skinny body? My dd has said she hates hers as she has no bottom and no boobs. When she gets up from a chair her bones leave a mark in the chair and she finds this so embarrassing. She is always cold and her hair is falling out. I think these things are her motivation.. it’s so sad because I have a feeling that once she gains a bit back she will want to stop .. and o am scared of this happening. But I can imagine many actually like how their body is and feels which I bet must make them more resistant to changing it. It’s such a minefield.

The first community based weigh in (previous ones were all in hospital) wasn't great for us today. A loss. Which I knew would be the case but it feels like a failure on my part because her recovery is now all down to me, no longer the medical team.
Another weigh in in a few days time. She was pleased of course!! But then slightly annoyed at the fact that this means she cant do much because she's too poorly. I'm hoping this will be motivating.

Then I made a rookie mistake of taking her to the supermarket to choose some different meals. This was an absolute disaster. Never again!!!