Support thread 15 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Mummyoflittledragon]

New thread. The old one is full…

Demon avoidant 😂😂

Yeh that would be my dd when she was really unwell. And as soon as you mention eating really. A nasty imp sitting on their shoulders whispering in their ear.

One thing that I haven’t seen on these threads is good cop/bad cop. Idk if anyone has come across it within an ED setting. I know for normal parenting it’s frowned upon and confusing. But the coach explained to us it is good for the ED starved brain, which sees things in absolutes.

This isn’t the same as having one strict and one lenient parent / caregiver btw, where both undermine the other. This is where one parent hard lines it (but still lovingly) to get the sufferer to eat. And the other supports the bad cop, but in a more subtle way. So good cop will not undermine the boundary of not doing a certain activity unless the required food has been consumed / agreement is met etc. But they will distract by doing the fun stuff and creating any connection possible.

It worked well for dd. And I can imagine it works in general for the angry, avoidant sufferers, who can’t connect, where just putting up eating boundaries may push them further away.

I understand that’s more difficult to fulfil in one parent households though. But I thought it perhaps helpful for some, who are having the same issues as we have / have had with dd.

We don’t employ this technique anymore as dd’s brain is very slowly recovering. It just isn’t needed… and actually dh is really disengaged right now. Plus dd is going to be an adult in the blink of an eye, so idk if it would work anymore.

I, of course, got the role of bad cop the majority of the time 😬. Unfortunately that’s the job of the primary carer. Although I was occasionally good cop. The ED coach and / or I had to force that one on dh, because he doesn’t want to do the hard work. The article below explains it a little.

And btw, I did also come across another article, which said not to employ good / bad cop for ED. However upon reading, it was described as being where one parent puts up boundaries around eating and the other undermines them, and that isn’t what I’m talking about here.

https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/therapy-for-anorexia-parents

I also meant to say @StressedANmum the exam went really well, thanks.

@Mummyoflittledragon thats interesting thank you! I actually think myself and DH have sort of slipped into those roles inadvertently.. I’m the one ‘in charge’ and he’s agreed not to get involved in decisions but to just encourage and support what I say. And also crack bad dad jokes too. He said he feels a bit useless sometimes but I just need him to be there and have my back!

I don’t think I’m a particularly good ‘bad cop’ as I do feel I’m being played a bit still. So much negotiation going on but things like swapping options of food.

Thanks that's something to consider.

Interestingly my accidental success came yesterday when I presented lunch and said "There it is. Dont eat it if you don't want to but if you do that would be great"

She only ate a bit of it but that's the first thing she has eaten at home since she was admitted.

Note: I wouldn't recommend this technique but I was tired and decided to start the day with zero expectations!!

@CuppaTandBicky
That’s excellent your dd ate even a small amount. You gave a message of not being terribly bothered about whether or not she eats. And that’s the correct way of doing it for anyone with demand avoidance issues.

The more unbothered you can be the better, because you don’t want to alert the ED that’s what you want. Because if you let it know, it will jump on the back of the demand avoidance. So that means keeping your emotions in check. And if I am going to be hypercritical, saying that would be great gives the ED a heads up. I’d also perhaps word it more positively than don’t eat. But it’s totally the right idea. And it worked. So you got a hell of a lot right.

Then if your dd doesn’t want to eat, you just act as if it’s all ok and tell her the outcome. Eg you’ll let the hospital know. And just remember any change, however small, is a good step. And this isn’t even small. Your dd ate at home. She overcame her anxiety.

@Raspberrysins
That’s great. It sounds like you’re a good team. You’ve instinctively worked out stuff, that works. And that’s a lot more than I did at the start!

It isn’t about getting it right all the time. It’s about working together as a team. I wish my dh were so compliant. Unfortunately he is also demand avoidant and fixated on her being almost 18 and it not being worth trying anymore.

As for the self flagellation, take the wins. As I’ve previously said, dd was controlling me to an unbearable level until I challenged her this January, which blew everything up.

Thankyou @Mummyoflittledragon it felt like a big thing!

I feel better after reading your message and also after speaking to the ED team today.

I hope all is calmer in your house now the exams are over. How did the last french exam go ?

Glad the exam went well @Mummyoflittledragon , such a relief to get to the end of them. DD refused to go into the inpatient unit when they finally had a bed because she insisted on sitting her last one. I can see similarities between our situations with the demand avoidance and the control issues, and also unfortunately the disengaged dad.

On a happy note, they brought a therapy horse onto the ward tonight, a tiny pony, so DD was thrilled!

I'm so tired of it all tonight

@unbuckle Im so sorry you’re having a hard day. It is relentless but with this illness you always have to come back to hope. What else have we got? Sending strength - from mum to mum xx

I hear you @unbuckle Have things changed since yesterday? I know you have good advice for others so I hope you’re being kind to yourself xx

How are things looking this morning unbuckle? Hoping for a better day for you.

Sorry @unbuckle it's exhausting isn't it.
I hope today is easier.

Long day, thank you all for your kindness. I think sometimes its the hope that's the hardest. DC had a friend over to stay, first time in 18 months. I know that is a really big thing, letting someone into their room which has been the locus of their illness and which they've completely destroyed. I know how difficult it is for people with ed's to make a connection.

For the first time in months they have an appt today. I just felt very drained by the reality that they will refuse to attend. It's a home visit, they will be asleep, put headphones on, turn away.

I hear you. Hope that's crushed over and over is very hard to deal with. Their inability to engage with any support is very tough, it leaves it all on your shoulders.

Hi all, I have only just found this thread and haven’t had a chance to read it yet.
Do any of you have a child with binge eating disorder?

Really glad they had a friend over that is a big thing!
Hope there is some level of engagement today. I'm learning that the best way is to assume the worst, have very low expectations, then you can't be disappointed!

@unbuckle
I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s absolutely relentless and I hope you managed to steal a little time to yourself and that the sleepover went well. It sounds as if that’s a really big thing, so I fingers crossed it brings some kind of change.

It is very hard to sit back and watch and not be able to have much of an influence. Especially as you really know what to do. My dd is exactly the same with the ED coach and would be unable
to engage with NHS ED services.

I get how difficult it is to be the safety net. We all just need to remember to take some time out when we need that.

@CuppaTandBicky
I’m glad you felt encouraged by what they said in the unit. I hope lunch goes well today.

Dd came out feeling happy and the exam went as well as it could. There’s now just a long wait and a crazy summer coming up.

@StressedANmum
Oh that sounds lovely. How cute. As for the exams, I know I said I shouldn’t have let dd sit her GCSEs. However, like your dd, she wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. I know she would have stopped eating completely or with her history of going off when heavily restricting, repeatedly absconded.

Hi I am not sure if anyone on this particular thread has experience of BED. It is number 15 in a series of threads, so I’m guessing there are people in the community, who do. And you are really welcome on here.

Do you have any questions or are you looking for Support? Everyone here is really friendly.

And to let you know, there is a lot of crossover between the way different EDs are treated. It’s always three meals and three snacks as this keeps blood sugar stable.

Thanks Mummy.

im just looking for support really. I managed to get dd to the eating disorder clinic at camhs but they can only offer 3 appointments. She has been advised to do 3 meals, 3 snacks but is struggling as she desperately wants to lose weight. They have said how there is no such thing as good/bad foods and so she still eats a lot of high fat/high sugar snacks.

i guess I just get frustrated as she wants to lose weight but she continues to make unhealthy choices. I’m scared to question her snacks too much as then we get the guilt/shame/self harm which is more likely to lead to binge eating again.

Her trigger for bingeing is coming home from school. I try to only have healthy snacks in the house but she buys brownies and waffles at school and chocolate on the way home.

im sure you can all relate that it’s heartbreaking that your child thinks they are fat and ugly.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes, that's exactly what I was worried about. After waiting a month for a bed, they phoned the morning of her exam and said come in now. We asked if she could come in after the exam, but no, it had to be straight away or wait till the next day and risk losing the bed to an emergency overnight. We had to take the gamble as i'd have had to physically drag her into the ward to get her there, and if I'd refused to take her to the exam she'd have point blank refused to engage with the ED services any further.

I don't know, but I am wondering if for BED therapy comes first? For AN particularly for kids they try and regularise eating and weight first. But for BED might private therapy help first as there is less immediate physical risk of collapse?

I also wondered if you'd heard Richard Osman speak about BED? He's on a podcast called how do you cope. Although mine has a restrictive ED i found him very insightful

I’ve been treated by an ED psychiatrist for BED and the three meals/snacks diet was recommended at the same time as therapy.

@Strugglingandtired
Oh bless her.

As they said at CAMHS, no food is bad food. And they also say not to categorise in terms of healthy and unhealthy, because that can lead to guilt. With your dd, that means binging and with mine, that means restricting. And it could also lead to different or increased behaviours.

Idk how much information or support you and she will get in three sessions. So I guess you could maybe research into the effects on the body. For starters, I imagine your dd has insulin resistance. And insulin is a hormone. And she can rebalance that by eating in a more balanced way. But I do get it isn’t as simple as that.

She’s going to need lots of love and care. I think in your situation, I would be treating her in a very similar way to how we treat our anorexic kids, which is what FreeWill says.

Has she had a session with CAMHS yet? And will you be present? I would be asking for some advice some and guidance if possible. The ED nurses can be really helpful if you can get some information for yourself without your dd present.

She needs a balanced diet. And the 3 meals 3 snacks are designed to keep blood sugars stable, which should help to curb the binging. But the lack of insulin uptake means they she’s craving sugary foods even when full. Increasing her intake of protein along with vegetables and fruit and eating more complex carbs will leave her more satiated. And calm the spikes. But idk how receptive she’d be to all that.

How old is she? Are you making her meals? I’m just wondering if she will agree meal plans with you. Stuff like that.

And I would also watch out for purging. Even if she’s not doing it now.

@StressedANmum
Wow. Thank goodness they had the bed still!

I think it's just hard seeing your kid do something you know is dangerous but you can't persuade them not to do it!

We have the opposite issue that any "bad" food is completely out of the question but our meal plan includes 3 x meals and 3 X snacks per day and it does stipulate a protein, carb, fruit or veg and dairy for lunch and dinner. The snack choices are biscuits, cereal bars, bananas, yoghurt, full fat milk. This is with the aim to eat regularly and gain weight though. It's kind of expected that the parent takes control of the eating too so you just present them with the food and say this is your snack. I have to admit this isn't working out for us though!!

Thank you so much. I will check out that podcast.
She has tried to purge a couple of times.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading but it’s so lovely to talk to people who understand.

Shes had 2 sessions at camhs so far. She tends to go in with one therapist and then me and exh talk to another.

There are a lot of issues that have led to this-divorce, covid, dog dying etc.

We do try and meal plan and we have been shopping together to get snacks etc. It’s hard for her as she has two houses as we are divorced. Like many young people with ED she’s a fussy eater and only likes relatively bland things, will eat fruit but hardly likes veg.