Oh the anorexia is rearing it's ugly head again. Fuck.

[EnhancedVampireEyeballs]

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a serious battle with anorexia. I got through it, though it was seriously difficult, and extremely stressful for my family, my then boyfriend, now husband, and me, of course.

In the interim I've been okay-ish. Had periods of fasting, but generally ate healthily and didn't obsess too much about my weight.

Earlier this year I had a very bad flare-up of my Crohn's Disease (diagnosed 5 years ago). That caused me to lose a fair bit of weight very quickly. And it's like that weight loss woke up the latent anorexic inside me. I eat almost nothing. Today I had an apple and a cup-a-soup. Same yesterday. And the day before, and so on. I think I had a sandwich one day last week.

I look awful, I'm not slim and healthy looking, I look skinny and sick. It's totally spiralling out of control, and even though I know I'm slowly destroying myself, I look in the mirror at my protruding hip bones and ribs, at my hollow face, and get a thrill from it.

I'm 5' 9" and a size 6, which is smaller than I was even at my worst in my early 20s. I exercise obsessively, even when I'm so weak I feel like I could faint.

I was seeing a Dietician (referred by my Gastroenterologist) but she discharged me from her service because, well, I'm good at lying about how bad my food issues actually are. I know I need to speak to my GP, but I'm terrified of putting on weight.

Your points are spot on. Just adding the professional bit on top of it.

You're so very kind, thank you

Could you start tomorrow by adding breakfast in? Something filling and nutritious like porridge or eggs?

Ahhh but by writing this it shows it hasn’t got control of you. I think you are stronger now than when you were younger and there’s chance to turn it around before your poor heart gives up.

Start with one small step in the right direction tomorrow. Think about nourishing your body. You can do it. You ARE doing it! Well done for reaching out! Try also reaching out to someone you trust and you’ll feel so much better.x

When I was making the suggestion at the back of my mind I was also thinking, "it's kinda pointless telling her about diet as it's ultimately its her mind that is root issue here".

So yeah I take on board your point. It gets back to your thinking OP, and getting that functioning in a clearer manner, as right now it's in a battle with two conflicting sides, one that knows what you are doing to yourself is not good, and the other that gets a thrill out of it.

100% push for a referral OP. You cannot do this alone. We can tell you this and that (and the others on here have made great points), but we are not qualified to really get your thinking back on track. Get your thinking under control and the rest will follow.

I will add though, until you get the help you need you are going to have to force yourself to take on board nutrients, however much you are conflicted in doing so. It's a battle right now yes, but that battle is not permanent. Getting nutrients into you is non negotiable at this point. It's hard of course it is, but get over this hump and with help it will get easier.

Thank you for the suggestion. I am on a medically prescribed very low fibre diet, so definitely can't have porridge. Which is frustrating as it used to be my go to healthy breakfast when I was eating well.

I could try eggs I guess, though I feel a bit panicky thinking about it. A poached egg maybe.

I know what you mean about weight loss being a trigger. I was also anorexic as a teen. Recovered and now at 43 am experiencing issues again.

For me it was because I have developed arthritis so had to stop running which I loved. I felt so depressed and stopped eating much, lost weight and it was like a spark went off. I couldn't stop and now I also massively restrict what I eat.

I feel and look like shit but don't know how to get better. No advice just that - I get it.

I actually really worry about my heart, though the (many) ECGs I've had have been fine. But I know losing weight to the extent that I have means losing muscle, and that includes the heart. And with my lovely plethora of health problems, I'm more susceptible to heart issues.

Thank you for your kind words. I definitely am stronger now than I was when I was younger. Which ironically has allowed me to be even more strict about my eating. Cos I'm even more disciplined. I suppose I need to try to direct that discipline in the right way

Have you thought about getting a bike? Really easy on the joints.

Going for a bike ride in the countryside (or a nice location near you) is healthy for both mind and body. Exercise will improve your mood, and in turn feel better about yourself thus eating healthier.

I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful messages. You really have hit the nail on the head. I'm going to call my GP in a few hours, make an appointment for a proper conversation. And I'll get a fortisip into me. I'll hate doing it, but it'll provide some nutrition

I'm really, really sorry that you're going through this too. I'm 40 in a few weeks, and it's almost embarrassing, like I should know better by now. But that's not how eating disorders work, they're insidious and sneaky, they slip in through any available gap and burrow into your brain.

Please try to take care of yourself, and if you need to talk, I'm here.

An apple and a cup a soup won't cut it though OP.

I added at the end of my last comment to you you are going to have to force yourself to take on board nutrients, however much you are conflicted in doing so. This battle is not sustainable for anyone, however you have to face this battle in order to get to a place where this conflict in your head is lessened and you have more control. Your rational side will end up winning. Professional help will ensure that happens. Been there. But to get there first you need to be in some physical health first, and to do that you have to take sufficient nutrients however much the irrational part of you is against it.

I really don't want to be one of those annoying people who shoot down every suggestion. But unfortunately with my epilepsy as poorly controlled as it is, I've been told not to drive, swim, cycle, go up on heights, have baths, or shower when I'm alone in the house. I can only shower when DH is here, with the bathroom door unlocked.

So for now I walk at least 10k most days. It's boring, but I play lots of loud angry music through my headphones. A bit of Rage Against The Machine is very therapeutic 😁

All irrational thinking is sneaky, but when your rational thinking is in a healthy state it overpowers the irrational side as you see it a mile off.

Your rational thinking and irrational thinking seem to be at a similar level right now, hence the constant battle. But when you see things clearly, which a professional can help you with, those sneaky irrational thoughts are swatted away by the healthy supply of rational thoughts. We all get irrational thoughts regardless of our mental state, but those who are well have got the balance right in that their rational thinking is too strong for the little mites to have any say.

Can you fill an online form for your doctor? You can do that at our surgery and I find it so much easier to put my full thoughts in a message and just press send.

Love RATM (great choice). Killing in the name an all time classic, as is Bulls on parade (love the live version) among others.

Wasn't suggesting a bike for you OP, for @garlictwist as she said she had joint pain while running (as do I), so I use a bike.

And 10k per day, on what you are (not) eating? Seriously OP. You need fuel to be doing that. Right how you a car running on an almost empty tank. This cannot go on. Get that referral sorted, and take sufficient nutrients to the point where you dont get dizzy spells (that's an indicator in itself that you should he heeding).

Good suggestion.

You are going to have to be proactive here OP. Your best advocate is you.

You mentioned about trying to eat a poached egg or some Fortisip. Could you try to remove the word ‘eat’ from the equation, and reframe this as ‘I am going to give my body some much needed nutrition in the form of a poached egg’.

Then you are giving yourself something, taking care of yourself, showing that you care. Take eating out of your vocabulary.

This isn’t a solution, you need professional and long term help for that. But would it help TODAY, while you wait to get what you really need?

Take care - you matter. And your sister needs you well.

You are worth more than this.

Take some small steps. It won't feel easy but as a recovered anorexic i know you have to be brave to recover. You can do this. Have a plan and reward yourself with sticking to it.

You've got this OP. Noone can do it for you but love yourself and do it for you and your sister. You're worrying her as you are now.

Today :
Tell your dh
Book a GP appointment
Give your body some food that isn't soup or apples. . What feels doable? Maybe a biscuit or an egg or a shake? Don't overthink it, just do it.

Tomorrow;
Have a rest day from the exercise
Eat that doable food again

Saturday:
Eat a meal with your dp.

@EnhancedVampireEyeballs so sorry for all your going through. I wish I had advice but I don't. I wonder if it might help to follow someone like finding fi on instagram - she is in recovery from an ED and is so honest and inspiring. Best of luck to you lovely Xx

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0023pv4
Not sure if this is useful but wanted to share as it's so important in regards to patient dignity and approach to supporting ED.
x

Love Killing In The Name. I have moshed to that so many times 🤣 My go to is Wake Up. Also love a bit of SOAD.

I didn't make great progress today, but I have a GP appointment sorted for tomorrow. I've written down everything, because I don't think I can say it out loud. So hopefully that will help me move in the right direction

Hi op it's worth remembering that anorexia is (to a certain extent) a biological disorder triggered by weight loss so it makes sense that this started when you lost weight.

This means you have to regain the weight and the compulsive aspects should reduce.

There are some good books out there, Tabitha Farrahs fear of weight gain is useful. .

The only way through anorexia is to feel the fear and eat it anyway. The thoughts in your head are not true or helpful, food is life giving and life enhancing.

Best of luck.

Well done fir making the appointment. It could save your life.

Not sure about you not eating porridge. It's supposed to be good for people with gut issues as it's not wheat? Can you ask the gp while you're there?

Thank you @Girliefriendlikespuppies. I'm going to have a very honest conversation with my GP tomorrow. I tried really hard today to eat, but when it came down to it I just couldn't, it was like my body just refused.