Oh the anorexia is rearing it's ugly head again. Fuck.

[EnhancedVampireEyeballs]

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a serious battle with anorexia. I got through it, though it was seriously difficult, and extremely stressful for my family, my then boyfriend, now husband, and me, of course.

In the interim I've been okay-ish. Had periods of fasting, but generally ate healthily and didn't obsess too much about my weight.

Earlier this year I had a very bad flare-up of my Crohn's Disease (diagnosed 5 years ago). That caused me to lose a fair bit of weight very quickly. And it's like that weight loss woke up the latent anorexic inside me. I eat almost nothing. Today I had an apple and a cup-a-soup. Same yesterday. And the day before, and so on. I think I had a sandwich one day last week.

I look awful, I'm not slim and healthy looking, I look skinny and sick. It's totally spiralling out of control, and even though I know I'm slowly destroying myself, I look in the mirror at my protruding hip bones and ribs, at my hollow face, and get a thrill from it.

I'm 5' 9" and a size 6, which is smaller than I was even at my worst in my early 20s. I exercise obsessively, even when I'm so weak I feel like I could faint.

I was seeing a Dietician (referred by my Gastroenterologist) but she discharged me from her service because, well, I'm good at lying about how bad my food issues actually are. I know I need to speak to my GP, but I'm terrified of putting on weight.

Thank you, @DeliciousApples. I'm on a very low fibre diet due to Crohn's Disease. Porridge is high in fibre, so I've been told by my Dietician and Gastroenterologist to completely cut it out. Along with raw vegetables, vegetables and fruit with skin on, all brown and wholegrain bread, basically most of the stuff I like to eat.

OP it's great you've recognised this. It sounds like losing weight was the last straw on top of all the stress you are under from your health conditions and worry about your sister. You've caught it before it gets too bad so it won't be as hard to recover as last time, plus what you learnt in recovery will come back to you as you start to take care of yourself.

No advice but well done for making the GP appt and wishing you all the best x

Yeah the stress is pretty intense at the moment. Someone very special to ne died this year, and I miss her every single day, so that's a part of what's going on. My brain is scrambled, but I guess I'll talk to the Dr tomorrow, I need to get this weight I'm carrying around off me. Emotional weight, I mean

Good luck with the Dr today.

Remember that anorexia is not your friend, anorexia wants to kill you and will lie, threaten and gaslight you in order to reach its goal.

You are not anorexia and you can tell those thoughts and feelings to fuck off!

You absolutely can eat, you have trained your brain to be afraid of food and the only way through that is one mouthful at a time.

Bad feelings feel horrible but won't kill you, anorexia absolutely will.

Wishing you well OP. Good luck with the GP :)

Food advice, exercise advice. You have heard it all. No point in talking to the GP about that. No one knows your body better than you or how to pretend. (I know myself).

'I can't detract from my sister'.

There is so much self-awareness in your posts.

I can feel them spooling out of that dark room you have to stay in with your migraines (fellow sufferer) and from the darker parts of your brain.

But there's a lot of light in your brain too. The love of your DH, your intelligence, your determination, courage and most evidently your ability to grasp things... you can grasp this too.

If you want to.

Do you? How much? Enough?

Hi OP, I’m going to be that annoying (but hopefully inspiring) person who suffered badly with anorexia many years ago, including spending some time in hospital, recovered completely and has never looked back.

We need to have a word OP. Whether it’s 10k steps or 10km walking; that’s for someone for and healthy without the issues you have got going on. If you don’t put any petrol in your car, can you drive it? It’s hard being recovered and looking back in objectively because I can tell you, you just need to veg at home, chill, get ready for Christmas and eat and enjoy eating anything and everything you want. But I know it’s not that simple for you.

There’s certain indicators that tell us how severe an illness is, and one is your fear around certain foods. The fact that you are fearful around the idea of having an egg for breakfast tells me your illness is really severe. More severe than mine was I reckon. As others have said, you need professional help.

Let us know how the GP appt went; I may be able to advise further.

lots of love xx

Oh my goodness. I could cry. This is such a lovely post, thank you so, so much. I think it's probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me.

I really do want to. I want to be around for my nephews, my parents, my Great Uncle, my siblings. And for my husband, who is so supportive and has been for so long. I know my thinking is damaged, I know I need to work hard on fixing it, and I know I need to not be a wreck in order to be there for the people I love. One step at a time I guess.

Sending you love with your battles!
Fight to be well, I wish I had a husband, only dearest cat!
Bad day for me cursing my right ankle, after the bad flare up with Parkinson’s, 62, plus other symptoms

I'm so glad you're doing well. You're not all annoying, and definitely inspirational.

GP appointment went well, he was very kind, and a bit stern about how seriously I need to take this, but without making me feel bad. He was very honest, in that he very frankly told me that I'm destroying my body. But didn't make me feel bad.

He's referring me as an outpatient to a hospital (in the closest city) which has an ED unit. I'm feeling a bit more positive now. I know it won't be easy, but I need to do it.

DH is going to make some notes for me, as to what he's seen with my eating. Because I need to give an honest account of what's been going on, and I can't really trust myself to give that at the moment. Thank you so much for your lovely post.

Thank you to everyone who has posted, the support you have all offered has been incredible. I know it'll be a long road. But I feel like I might be able to take it on.

Well done OP! I’m so proud of you for talking to the GP and your husband. You sound like such a thoughtful, kind person and you deserve to live a healthy, full life. I really hope this is the beginning of getting you back on the road to health. Those first steps are so so hard and it’s so brave of you to have taken them.

Tbsnk you. Unfortunately I got some extremely bad news today. Still made myself eat a sandwich though. But I have serious sadness, a horrible migrane, and a deep desire to sleep for days. That's not an option, so I'm going to try to sleep for now, and worry about everything else tomorrow.

I seem to have an anorexic type reaction to my anxiety ramping up. So I’ve always wondered if anorexia is a by product of adrenaline overload. Treating my anxiety, or the stressors passing, gives me back my appetite. It’s an awful feeling to know you’re starving and tummy rumbling but the food being totally repelled by your mouth and mind.

I tell you the above in case yours is also linked to an anxiety disorder. I have no body issues whatsoever and never have. So that is not the source of it for me.

I've had an eating disorder and a BMI of 15 when I was early 20s.
Treated as an outpatient I was told to keep a food diary.
Writing what I ate each meal.
The next week I had to add to the amount.
Yrs later when I lost lots of weight after childbirth I followed the same thing.
I was told to think of food as medication.
This helped to take the emotions out of my self starving.