Oh the anorexia is rearing it's ugly head again. Fuck.

[EnhancedVampireEyeballs]

In my late teens and early twenties, I had a serious battle with anorexia. I got through it, though it was seriously difficult, and extremely stressful for my family, my then boyfriend, now husband, and me, of course.

In the interim I've been okay-ish. Had periods of fasting, but generally ate healthily and didn't obsess too much about my weight.

Earlier this year I had a very bad flare-up of my Crohn's Disease (diagnosed 5 years ago). That caused me to lose a fair bit of weight very quickly. And it's like that weight loss woke up the latent anorexic inside me. I eat almost nothing. Today I had an apple and a cup-a-soup. Same yesterday. And the day before, and so on. I think I had a sandwich one day last week.

I look awful, I'm not slim and healthy looking, I look skinny and sick. It's totally spiralling out of control, and even though I know I'm slowly destroying myself, I look in the mirror at my protruding hip bones and ribs, at my hollow face, and get a thrill from it.

I'm 5' 9" and a size 6, which is smaller than I was even at my worst in my early 20s. I exercise obsessively, even when I'm so weak I feel like I could faint.

I was seeing a Dietician (referred by my Gastroenterologist) but she discharged me from her service because, well, I'm good at lying about how bad my food issues actually are. I know I need to speak to my GP, but I'm terrified of putting on weight.

Big Gentle Hug.

I don't know what to say really, just didn't want you to feel ignored (no replies when I started writing this)

is your DH aware? Do you lie to him about what you've eaten when he's not home?

Do you have any idea what anyone could do to help?

Any friends you could confide in?

Would it help to be reminded that torturing bones are not attractive/sexy or envied??
(not being mean, just honest in case it helps to be reminded?! I'm overweight & id still not swap my rolls for protruding bones.

im not sure if you have kids or nit, but could you focus on needing to be strong & healthy for them?? (Your DH is probably keen on you being healthy & alive too!!)

Thanks, @SnoopySantaPaws ,that's very kind of you. I'm not working at the moment as am medically unfit to (along with the Crohn's I have epilepsy, Ankylosing Spondylitis, migrane with brainstem aura). So I'm home alone during the day, and yes, I lie to my husband about what I eat during the day. To the extent of bringing food out with me while I'm walking, and binning it, so there's less bread, soup, whatever, and it looks like I've eaten.

No kids unfortunately, but I do want to be healthy and be around for my nephews, they are the absolute lights of my life.

I'm just going to have to pull myself together, aren't I? It's not easy, and life has been a bit chaotic lately, so controlling what I eat helps me feel like I have some control over my life. But my husband is amazing, and if I die it will destroy him, and I can't do that to him.

Sorry, I'm rambling now.

Have any meds like SSRIs or SNRIs been tried to help you release some of this food control and anxiety ?

Please speak to someone IRL about this. If not your husband maybe your sibling or parent. You need some support to talk honestly to health care professionals.

Don't forget the charity help available. BEAT should be able to help point you in the right direction

What got you through it first time?

I think you need to see a doctor - it feels like you're in a brain civil war. You are thinking clearly about the matter but other parts of your brain are working against these rational thoughts, so I feel you need drugs to sort it.

It feels like you would know everything we could tell you about why you shouldn't stop eating, and it still wouldn't make much difference.

I really hope you get well soon.

I'm prescribed amytriptaline for my migrane, so don't think SSRIs are compatible with that, though I have an appointment with my Neurologist in a few weeks so will ask about that then

Thanks. Definitely can't speak to family about it as my sister is going through a very tough time and she needs lots of support. Don't want to detract from that.

Honestly? It was my younger sister. She coached me, coaxed, cajoled and counselled me. Which she shouldn't have had to do. She's living a pretty serious trauma of her own right now, so there's no way I can ask her for help.

It must be so so tough. I had bulimia for a year when I was at Uni. Nothing else mattered, nothing rational. I was going to relaese pain with a monster private binge. Only priority each day was to get two hours alone with FOOD. A brilliant psychiatrist demystified it for me, just broke it down into sadness and loneliness. with med support; and I stopped pretty quickly.

Thank you. I know I need to eat I've been really good at having a really healthy, varied diet in the past. I don't want to be this person, I don't want to worry everyone I love, but there's just this little voice in my head that keeps saying "don't eat, don't eat, you're in charge".

Is there any way of changing the narrative inside your head?

By that I mean anorexia is often about having control, but actually it’s the opposite. The disease actually takes your control away.

Choosing to eat more, even just enough so you maintain, even if you don’t put on weight just yet….thats actually you in control. That’s you proving that you’re in control of your own mind and decisions, not a disease….

Are you worried about your younger sister? Are there any other big life stresses? I completely get that this episode was triggered by a Crohns flare up, but I’m wondering if it’s also partly a reaction to worries? If you’re worried about your sister it would be really easy to (wrongly) think that anorexia is the only thing that gives you control.

Do you think you could show your DH this thread? Even if you just screenshot it and send it to him now before you change your mind.

Your sister helped you before so it sounds like that you might need actual real life support to cajole and carry you through this latest episode. Could your DH do that?

You’ve done so well to create this thread. Baby steps. Take back control of your life and show the anorexia that you’re the one in charge ❤️

It's good how open you have been here with us OP. No sugar coating it or bluffing. That in itself is a good start as the only way to get help with anything is to be honest (been there with psychiatric issues that I had previously denied).

The one person you cannot fool is yourself. And ultimately it's having the same honesty with others as you do with yourself that will help you get out of this.

Your rational side knows this not eating is not good. Your organs need nutrients to function. And being that weight with bones showing is unhealthy, and its spiralling at the minute. Then there's the irrational side that is getting a thrill from what you see in the mirror. I'd be very encouraged by your honesty on this. But you need help to rewire your thinking, and get it aligned with the same rational thoughts that you have said here. Once that is done, and with help it can happen, you won't have this battle with yourself. But you need outside help with this OP as I did as psychological issues cannot be rectified from from within. Make sure that happens and get in contact with professionals asap.

I'm worried sick about her, what she's been through has been devastating. I don't know how she's coping, it's been horrible for her.

I will show this thread to DH, he really is so supportive, he cooks food that he knows I will eat, tells me that I'm beautiful as I am, helps with all the family stress.

Thank you for your very supportive words, @SpidersAreShitheads (your username is hilarious btw).

Yeah huge stress about my epilepsy, I'm maxed out on my current medication and still having seizures. Which is terrifying, I had a friend who died from a head injury during a seizure. And the nurse I saw at the seizure clinic recently told me very sternly that people die from seizures, so I haven't been able to relax since then.

I'm going to really try to eat breakfast in the morning. I can't spiral, my husband and family have too much to worry about, without me adding to it.

While support from friends/family is obviously great (OP's sister previously), this will need professional psychiatric help to get OP's thinking back on track. Your point about changing the narrative in her head ('see eating as being in control') is a great one and I'd totally concur, but OP is not in a position to be able to do that alone. This reframing her thinking, in regards to the state OP is in, requires outside help from people who know how to achieve that.

Us telling OP, or Ted talks, those type of things are great for people whose condition is more an everyday issue. But the type of help OP needs is one to one from a professional. It's them who will help OP to think more clearly than she is now with the battle she is having with herself.

@ChessorBuckaroo ,thank you so much. I'm brutally honest with myself. I know I need to get help, or I'll keep spiralling, and that wont end well. The Crohn's means I struggle with adequate nutrition anyway, I know I can't survive on apples and soup. I'm on some fairly heavy duty meds, it's definitely not good to take them without food.

I've put my husband and family through so much, I can't inflict any more worry on them. I couldn't walk up the stairs today, I was struggling to breathe, dizzy, had to sit down. I'm going to call my GP in the morning. Hopefully he can refer me for counselling. Or something.

OP you should not be going through this alone without professional help. This "I'm going to try to eat breakfast", while that is obviously good, it shouldn't be this hard for you, ie. a constant battle. That is not sustainable. No wonder you are struggling. Anyone would in your situation. And all this worrying about other people or feel as though you have to do something so as not to worry them, OP you eating and getting healthy is not about other people, you do this for you. Don't put the burden of others on your shoulders, it's your life here. You deserve to be well and have a future to look ahead to, and others being able to share in it.

And I totally agree that showing this thread to your DH is a good idea. Stuff out in the open, expose everything, that is how you are able to move forward.

I have no experience with anorexia so I don’t want offer advice, but I just wanted to offer my support OP. I wish you the best of luck with your health, and I really hope you reach out to your GP for help and tell your DH that you’ve been struggling.

Thank you. The health stuff has been pretty traumatic. The seizures have almost all been in public places, embarrassing, and made me feel totally out of control. I have lesions on my brain from some of the longer seizures, little patches of brain damage. My memory is not great, I'm always worried about the next seizure. So I guess I'm clawing back control where I can. But it's clearly not doing me any good.

Dh will be off to work in about an hour, but I'm going to suggest a walk on the beach tonight, that's when we do our best talking

Yes, absolutely - and I'm sorry I wasn't more explicit about that in my post. I think others had already suggested professional help above my comment, and I completely agree that's needed. That's why I think getting OP's DH on board is important, because presumably he will get her to the doctor as well as providing daily support.

My suggestions re mindset and thoughts re control were more about how OP could start to challenge her own thinking or at least be aware of it. OP seems to have good insight so I think it's helpful to start considering whether it's possible to reframe thoughts, even if you're not actually able to put that into action just yet.

My comment wasn't intending to suggest that the OP didn't get professional help , so apologies for not being clearer on that.

Thank you, @TheUndoing. I will definitely speak to my husband tomorrow. Seeing the GP is a bit more daunting, but I'll try to do it. He's very nice, which helps.

Yes a referral is needed.

In terms of diet, have you thought about liquid diet as well as eating bits and pieces? So for example, an elemental diet where a glass, which has all the required nutrients, is 300 calories. So let's say two of those a day as well as your apple and a cup-a-soup. This is hybrid diet (I've done it), where you take a combination of liquid (two glasses or more) and meals. Plus the elemental diet is excellent for Crohns. It works well as the nutrients are absorbed really well in people who have compromised gut issues, and it's very soothing as well as the absorption gives the gut a rest.

So, a glass in the morning (two scoops of powder in 400ml of warm water, blend for five seconds), then sip your drink over a 15 minute period. Then one for dinner. Then in the evening your apple or cup a soup. I take more than two (usually four or five), but starting small may be better in your case. That ensures you get sufficient nutrients. Or course I say all this while advising you see a health professional, but for sure this is a leap in the right direction from just an apple and a cup a soup.

Well done OP, that's a brilliant plan. Being open with your DH is the best thing you can do.

If you collapse and he doesn't know what's been going on, he's going to be even more worried and you won't be in any position to tell anyone. Secrecy is the best friend of any eating disorder - don't give it that power.

You have done well to identify the signs that you're spiralling, and being as honest as you have been shows you have real insight.

Sending love.

PS - spiders are fucking shitheads! Bastard things! 😂

I've actually been prescribed Fortisip and ScandiShakes, @ChessorBuckaroo . But I can't bring myself to consume them, cos, well calories and fat. Definitely easier to get in than solid food, but I think it's my brain that's the problem here. Plus I've convinced myself that if I don't eat, I don't have to worry about Crohn's flare-ups. Which is bollocks, I've been in serious pain for days now, but I guess I'm not thinking too logically right now.