Support thread 10 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

Hi guys
Here is our new thread. I will add a link to it in Thread 9

@Catsback
I have one downloaded - there was a link on one of the older threads. If you let me know her weight, height and approximate DOB i can run it for you.

@Curlyhairedassasin -I've messaged you. Thanks

SwattyPie

So sorry things are so difficult. Mentally this is the hardest thing I've been through and I include the bereavements of both parents in that. I've had times where I thought I couldn't go on but somehow I got up and carried on.

We are two years on now (although dd says it's longer) and things are running more smoothly and like your dd my dd functions well, but ED behaviours still rule much of our lives. I still panic inside when she leaves something on her plate or remarks that her banana is too big. No one but those who've been through it can understand that feeling.

@Catsback - send you a message back.

@baggy I think this very specific strain is because ED is not a linear path. I've had bereavement under shocking circumstances but there is really only one direction to go in w that...make sense of it and build a new life around the loss. W DD every week/day/minute we seem to go in a new direction and at the end of the day I feel a visceral responsibility for her I don't have for anyone other than my children...it is my job to keep her alive....but at the same time the ED does what the ED wants to do. It's crushing

Swatty and Bagpuss I know exactly what you mean, last night I couldn't sleep and I had the thought that holding onto an ED (like my dd seems determined to do) is a bit like keeping a dangerous pet, you never quite know when it's going to bite you or possibly kill you...

It's very tiring and unnerving and the older dd gets the less influence I have over any decision she makes.

Thanks all. I just feel so low right now. I don't know how to pull myself up. I want to crawl under the duvet and cry. There doesn't even seem to be any reason for feeling like this. Nothing has happened. But maybe that's it.... Nothing has changed.

Oh @SwattyPie sometimes a cry under the duvet is needed. I know the same stuff is there when you get out from under it but I think there is so much grief for the lives we thought we and our children would be living and it needs some space and attention

@SwattyPie That seems like a perfectly understandable reaction to what is a horrific situation. At DH's insistence, when DD was barricading herself into her room, I once checked myself into a hotel and cried for 2 days solid, before pulling up my Big Girl pants and cracking on. (DH has also gone on several walking trips alone to get his head together while I've held the reins. I benefited from 10 weeks free counselling (Talk Liverpool - there might be the equivalent where you live) and anti-depressants.

Sending a hug @SwattyPie. This is incredibly difficult and I think everyone has spells of feeling the way you do. We had a tough weekend with DD's home pass and i went to bed feeling so low and have woken with rising panic in my chest that I'm really struggling to contain. As someone who has always been blessed with good mental health I just can't relate to myself now if that makes any sense. Go back under that duvet and have that cry. Sometimes it's needed.

Thanks everyone. I have thrown myself into work and just been for a restorative walk in my lunch break. Think I just need to distract myself and get through the day today. Sorry to hear lots of other people also finding it tough right now as well. Trying to remind myself to live my own life too. Perhaps we should start a "what have I done for myself" thread to encourage self care?

I've started to type this reply to everyone a few times now, but all I can really come up with is 'yeah'. I totally get, and am in the same place. I've realised that how I feel is completely beholden to what kind of moment (I started to type day, but pah!) dd is having, and I'm tired of having to spring up around everything to make it better, or even just to manage my own feelings to not just lose it myself.

We've had a pretty grim weekend. Dd refused to eat a meal which is the first time for a while. I had allowed myself to think maybe we were going in the right direction, and maybe we are but I want to go FASTER.

Then my heart was kind of singing earlier because she half smiled at something I said when I was trying to make her laugh. Then 20 minutes later she is bawling at something DH said to her. The sound of her crying strikes a total sense of anxiety and fear into me.

So, Swatty - I'm joining you under the duvet. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. Hope it is for everyone.

SwattyPie glad to hear you managed to find some distraction today. Walking is my way of switching off. Often it's hard to get going but I know I'll feel loads better once I'm out. A self care thread sounds good and we all need something positive to look at. My self care today has been watching MAFS. Its awful but I'm obsessed 😆

Greydoor sorry it's been a hard weekend. Those backward steps when they've been doing so well are really hard but she's done well before and can get back on track. Don't look back. The crying is really heartbreaking to hear but remember your dd's smile and hold on to it ❤️

Me too. I’m exhausted trying to be meal planner and cajoler and teacher and therapist and mum and cleaner and worker. My DD13 is sullen, uncommunicative and lashing out by being a total knobhead getting into trouble at school. DD11 sometimes eats and sometimes doesn’t, and I can’t pick up on what makes the difference, and feels so counter intuitive to just let her have ice-cream/milkshake instead of finishing her dinner just to get weight up.

Glitterfarti

If she'll happily have the shake go with it and get it as calorific as you can. Try anything to get nutrition going in at this stage. My dd had a shake instead of lunch for months.

Sorry to hear about your older one acting up at school. That must be really hard on top of everything else. Are school being supportive and offering any counselling etc?

In my experience schools are woefully uninformed when it comes to eating disorders and the effect on the whole family. It just makes life even harder.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat, thank you for replying. I just want to stick my head in the sand for a couple of months. She seems to prefer drinking to eating so we are doing a lot of milkshakes/smoothies.

School have been unsupportive with both girls. I don’t want to kick off too hard because we don’t have a diagnosis and this is likely to be ongoing but no response to emails/no eating supervision including on an activity day which we agreed because she’s missing lunches and form time (therefore all social time) in school. I’ve emailed in regarding sudden onset of poor behaviour in the big one and heard sweet fa back.

I wish we could all meet IRL to support each other. I know it is not realistic but there is so much wisdom and compassion on this thread ❤️
The more I learn, the more I seem to understand that they all take recovery at their own pace - and it will never be quick enough for us. So I suppose we have to do what we have to do to get through it and be there for them and keep them safe as they navigate this awful illness. I think getting away from it all for a few days or even overnight seems like a plan

Glitterfarti

Could you request a meeting at the school with the Senco, HOY and Form Tutor if possible? I've found face to face meetings get better results. Outline exactly what your DC are going through at home and ask what support can be given at school. They should put a plan in place.

I would copy in the Headteacher and HOY to all emails which seems to get a quicker response. Keep all correspondence safe. Make notes in all meetings.

Camhs can add weight so get them to contact the school as well. Officially they're for your ED child but I'm sure will be able to request their sibling should also receive support in school. ED is a FAMILY illness.

Shanghai101

We'd all end up crying!
This group is such a lifeline and I credit the amazing people here with getting me through the awful times ❤️

I just want to share. I took my dd away for the weekend to see her dad as he's working away at the moment and it's been really tough. We flew early morning and my plan was to buy food in the airport but I completely forgot. We had some snacks but I was really worried. Anyway food came out and I thought she's never going to eat it but she surprised me by saying " its not something I really like but I'm hungry so I'm going to eat it " This is the first time since before AN she has said she was hungry.

@mum2three48 That's lovely news. Hope you had a great weekend xxx

mum2three48

That's amazing. Well done to your dd xx

@mum2three48 lovely to hear and well done to your DD

And the bubble bursts. Just been to her appointment and she's lost weight. This illness is a total rollercoaster ride.

@mum2three48 😞 Sorry to hear that. Hopefully it will help her realise she can eat more. We have an appt tomorrow, and I think I'm going to be in the same position 😔 I honestly feel like handing all responsibility back to her. She doesn't take my advice, doesn't want my input, does her own thing. I don't actually know what I can do to help any more. Everything I say seems to make things worse and lead to further restriction.