Teen Eating Disorders support thread 3

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better get a new thread going!

Please come and join us if your teen is struggling with an Eating Disorder. We are a kind, supportive bunch of parents looking to support each other through the dark days of caring for a teen with an ED.

Very stressful mealtimes here
Dd2 has eaten with me only for a long time,claiming too stressful eat around the other two we eat our dinner later.sbedeclared Thursday Eve that still wasn't helping her anxuetyand "you need feed them,then you,then me" in not faffing three sittings if dinner (with different meals as lilzoo on cold only,and D's has hot,DD only eats certain things) so I said if eat separate no longer hhelps we all eat together
She's starting off same room separate little table,music on,chatting etc
Lunch she panic a bit took 1hr to eat 3/4 food and was angry and hostile.not eat it all trigger lil zoo only eat half her sandwich(DD norm eats twice as much as I'd given her if eating just the two if us>
Dinner timewasworse.shescreamedat me about having melon"don't fucking want any" I reply calmly had to have her share of the packet of slices.10 in pack,she norm has 3,D's and lil zoo 3 each.took 2 refusing more.in past lil zoo would hoover up extra as it's a fave but said I only eating two too...again DD didn't complete meal despite considerably less food(as early meal I had kept part backeve snack,which she never had) hystericaltears/screaming in room after.i told her first things weren't working eating separately and this is water go eat.i love her dearly still/want hug/want spend time tog etc.angry clear off and no I'm stay here Alone.
Lil zoowantedcheck her which I said no as DD tends divide and conquer tactics and will encourage lil zoo take her side andrefuseeat unless triple meal time happens
She scream andcrya bit then went quiet(I cut wi do at 6 as she spent all day in beds rolling which makes her anxiety way worse) and rest us watch dvd
I'm dreading feeding everyone today
Am I doing rightthing?anyone any tips managing one triggering another?

Thanks for all the lovely positive words. We have had a nightmare the last 3 days. Yesterday as part of DD’s lunch I gave her a Tesco finest rich & creamy yogurt instead of the usual Yeo Valley fruit ones. Not a tactic, we’d literally just run out of the others and it was all that was in the fridge at the time. DD went absolutely ballistic and refused to eat it, saying I was trying to make her fat and there were so many calories in it. I said if she didn’t eat I couldn’t allow her to go back in to school in the afternoon. She ate it whilst spitting obscenities at me and went back in to school. Then when she got home she point blank refused to eat her snack and worked herself up in to a crying frenzy/panic attack. She eventually fell asleep (without eating her snack) and woke up in time for dinner. I managed to get her to drink the smoothie from the missed snack with her dinner and I just write off the rest of it. I honestly don’t know if that battle (over a bloody yogurt) was worth having but at the time I was determined not to give in to the ED.) But anyway, DD had her weekly weigh-in this morning. I was amazed that she has put on 1.4kg!! Absolutely gobsmacked in fact! I don’t think DD has been to the toilet that regularly the past few days so that might account for a bit but even so that’s still a really good amount. The downside is that DD saw and this has sent her into an even blacker mood with me. Although she hasn’t refused anymore food so far. I can live with her despising me at the moment if she continues gaining the weight.

But anyway, DD’s target is 500g to 1kg weight gain a week and this is obviously far more. Should I keep going or relax the amounts a little?

@myrtleWilson sorry to hear you had to cut short your trip. Was it just your immediate family that went away?

@Stilllivinginazoo gosh that sounds tough. We have a bit of an issue with DD and her brother eating together actually. DS has ADHD and his medication suppresses his appetite a fair bit which means that he quite often won’t finish the food in his plate. This impacts negatively on DD when she is expected to finish everything so we have made the decision to sometimes split them up and one parent go with each child. It seems to be helping DD at the moment and it is just an interim set-up. But that being said I certainly wouldn’t have a further sitting so that you and DD eat separately. Can you say to her that she has to continue to either eat with you or the whole family but she won’t be eating on her own?

@Zzzexhaustedzzz that must be exhausting feeling like nobody else is taking this seriously. How old is your DD?

@NCTDN is your DD back home now? How are things going?

roller I can't really go back now we are where we are at.we don't live with their dad,never haveand it's basically me and 3dc.ds has autism and bad anxiety just to add to the mix so some days I am literally torn in different directions...

Everyone's having such a hard time. I'm so sorry. It's such a difficult condition to manage.

@Stilllivinginazoo I think you need to work out what is fair in your mind, then push for that, accepting that your DD will be angry with you if necessary.

@Rollergirl11 I don't think it harms to go over 1kg per week, but it does allow you to breathe a sigh of relief that she has a calorie buffer if she has a bad day. DD1 is reaching target weight soon, so we've cut back from 3000 to 2300.

DD1 is doing ok. Still on very limited part time timetable. But now school has said we can wear an adapted uniform (black leggings and a blue T-Shirt) as DD1 was wearing leggings under her school trousers and a t-shirt under her polo shirt (sensory issues) and it's getting warm. So that might help.

Well done on the weight gain @Rollergirl11 I would not worry about cutting back- no real point. They stress about any weight gain so you may as well have that stress about good weight gains and get her nearer to her goal as fast as possible...
@Stilllivinginazoo sounds v tough to deal with. We allowed DD to eat alone but only breakfast and we sat with her... other meals have been with the family. Not always easy but 3 sittings for you is tough. I think I would tough it out and have the battle.
Shit day here. Trying to go away tomorrow which DD is already stressed about (as am I trying to pack to ensure I have everything to keep the plan going in). Then our eldest guinea pig went down hill yesterday and 2 trips to the vets later and we have had to have her put to sleep this afternoon.
DD and DS2 are distraught. And now I have to take DD on a holiday she is super scared about, i’d cancel but we are seeing DHs mum for first time in nearly a year so can’t really.
Managed to keep the food on track but she is understandably totally thrown.
The piggie was such a sweetheart and happy to be handled and cuddled and she gave DD much support during her illness. We have 2 other young ones we got when our old lady’s sister died but they aren’t tame yet and so not as much comfort.
I can remember myself saying to DH when I was persuading him to get them 4 years ago that it would be good for the kids to learn about grief and death. This wasn’t really what I had in mind. The loss of the first piggie was one of the triggers for AN as it happened just at the start of lockdown....anyway deep breath and onwards.
Hope you all get some nice time this weekend. At least the sun is out!

Roller well done on the weight gain and on sticking to your guns over the yogurt. It is definitely worth the battle and in fact I'd add in that yogurt for a few days. The fact she's kicking off is a good thing as it shows the ED is under pressure, just be mindful that now can be the time when other ED behaviours can come into play. Things like hidden exercise, self harm, purging etc, this is because the overall anxiety ramps up a gear. The faster the weight goes on the better imo, does your dd want to know her weight? I personally feel that blind weighing tends to be the kinder option but appreciate everyone's situation is different.

Zoo that sounds really tough and I take my hat off to you managing more than one child on your own!! I can barely manage one!!

We've had a mixed day, dd has been in a good mood but I'm not convinced as the ED behaviours are worse than ever 😕 I caught her spitting out some of her lunch and she massively struggled with her afternoon snack. It was only one of those finger of fudges which I can eat in two bites, it took her ages and I think she spat some out.

We also went clothes shopping which was stressful as dd got very twitchy over her sizing, when we got home and tried stuff on she said she didn't like any of it as it was either too big or too small 😕

I also felt miserable as I had to buy larger size than usual and even the next size up was a bit tight in some of the clothes 😩 I'm going to have to work out how I can lose half a stone whilst encouraging dd to eat.

I'm also feeling anxious about going away on Monday....

Hello all
I'm really struggling. Dd had very bad evening. What I can't understand is, when your child refuses a snack, how do you get them you take the fortusip instead?? You can't pour down throat! I'm at a loss. Haven't slept and so worried about day ahead.
This ED is destroying everything in its path.

roller I forgot to add congrats on excellent gain

@sm701 I have no idea, tbh. I never did manage to get any supplement into DD1, and when I finally did, it made her vomit.

Roller thanks for asking. All ok so far- it's just a case of waiting and seeing how the weight gain on Tuesday. It's hard dd eating so much as she's not hungry but so far she's sticking to it. I'm hoping that the desperation to get back to normality will keep her going although also aware this may be the honeymoon period.

Thanks for replies. I'm baffled by the supplement drinks they prescribe... can't see a single time DD would have it if she's refusing food.
Long May the honeymoon period last for you @NCTDN and good luck for Tuesday. Weighing is a massive trigger here. dD restricts on day before and if she sees weight gain she then restricts again. We are on some sort of badly loaded snakes and ladders with too many snakes and not enough ladders.

Hi all, sorry just came on to vent about DH who is totally fucking me off (excuse the swearing!). Every single time I ask him to watch DD while she’s eating a meal he leaves her on her own. This morning he was sat in the living room watching TV while DD was in the kitchen eating her breakfast. He keeps saying “oh she’ll be fine, she’s not a baby.” I seriously don’t get what it is that he can’t fathom about ED’s. It’s almost pathological. I am so raging.

Sorry for the rant!

roller I'm angry on your behalf!

@Rollergirl11 that would drive me mad.
I had a total break down this morning in front of DH, DS2 and DD....
In caravan in Peaks. Heating/ hot water not working. Campsite has no hot water. Gas bottle was leaking so no cooker. Losing the plot.
Then DH told me to just chill out....and I lost it quite spectacularly.
I am so sick of being the bad guy and so sick of thinking about food and worrying about exercise. Even after telling myself to let go of her activity this week everything food related appeared to have conspired against me,
And the loss of the guinea pig, the whole stress of packing to get here and constantly being got at by DD about being a control freak and having to leave DS1 behind alone for the first time...it’s all too much,
I didn’t even want to come but I can’t not as ~DH won’t ensure she eats....and I also have to play nicely nicely with my in laws who drive me mad and keep saying DD is just a ‘teenager’...
I am fucking exhausted with it all. I can’t remember the last time I did anything on the spur of the moment. (like my DH did last week when he decided last minute to stay after work in London for a drink and got home at 12.30am steaming drunk)
I proper lost it curled in a ball sobbing and telling them all I couldn’t carry on. Which is often how I feel.
And then of course I made Dd feel worse and had to comfort her and make her feel better so I achieved nothing, except a whole load more guilt.
Anyway DD had an ice cream today she now won’t eat afternoon snack but hey an ice cream is an ice cream....
I know you all will get this....and I am so glad you are all here.
I hope everyone’s bank holiday Monday isn’t too shit...

Sending hugs to everyone having a shit time.

We're also away, took 3.5 hours to get here (Wales) and am also knackered as was a mission to get everything packed and organised to get here.

Anyway the caravan is nice, dd had a meltdown about dinner being delayed due to a series of unavoidable things but has eaten now and seems okay.

I'm also trying not to stress about the fact that dds activity levels are going to be high but can see it's going to be a tricky balance.

@Lottsbiffandsmudge for you.
I am also the bad guy but that's by dh who says I'm too much of a pushover for dd and I shouldn't do any negotiating. I don't think I do but he sees it differently and today told dd it's all her fault that she is in this mess.

I'll just perch on the corner of the couch and nod along. Blazing row with DD1 who, naturally, declared that it was all my fault anyway, because I insist on taking her to appointments, school, etc., and she doesn't want to go there anyway.

It sounds like an incredibly tough time for everyone. Congrats on those who have ventured away from home, it seemed too scary for me at the moment. We have enough meltdowns at home......

@Lottsbiffandsmudge I feel exactly the same most of the time, how can I fix this, why isn't it working, why does DD hate me so intensely...... It is not an easy situation but know you are doing the right thing. I'd go crazy if DH left DD to eat, though he doesn't watch her much as I am 'always there'.

DD lost 0.5KG last week, I'm quite upset. She was throwing away her snack at school but telling me she ate it

Oh @SoTiredNeedHoliday how disappointing....and yet so typical of this illness...
Still struggling here. I oscillate between feeling ok and slipping into despair and tears. Spoke to in laws today and think they may have got the idea I wasn’t too impressed with their ‘teenage phase’ ideas....
that is part of the problem...no one saw DD at 77% and looking like a working skeleton except us and my mum...she is nearly 2 stone heavier now and so I think a lot of people don’t believe me...
I feel totally traumatised tbh. Anyway another 3 days to go cooking in a boiling hot caravan in a tiny kitchen....
it’s fun not...
Shouldn’t complain at least she is eating (although swapping out 250 cal snacks for really small mr whippy ice creams every day worth c 100 if we are lucky.... hey ho do not have the energy to fight it.....
They all want to walk up Kinder Scout tomorrow. There is no way I will make it as I haven’t done any exercise for over 6 months. So yet again I am the party pooper....
Sorry everyone is struggling...it’s a theme isn’t it...

Is it just me,or is term time/lockdown somehow easier?the endless trying to be food organised for times we aren't home seems harder somehow,even tho I sometimes feel like I'm constant thinking of next meal/snack/wash up/prepping etc
Lil zoo been staying with her older sister.was ment be a zoo trip,turned over night,then two.shes coming home soon.i know plans gone out window.yesterday she had a cinnamon roll then a large salad with tunaand a little bit pizza,plus long walk by the rivertoday fruit and the tuna salad again.shes been in lot pain with IBS since yesterday which prob lower levels fruit/veg/carbs slowing things down even further without flax and oats.shes had great time and bonded well with sister which I'm grateful for as D's has been very stressed recently and other DD has anxiety and depression which totally out of control so she's really needed a break from all the stress here.i appreciate dd1 caring for her,and aware as not underweight it's not seen as as vital to follow plan but it does encourage her disordered thoughts.shes not got another weigh in for over a week,so hoping to level things off again as confident will see another drop I find handing over her eating to others so bloody stressful

@Lottsbiffandsmudge I totally get the exercise (or lack of it). For me it's only been two weeks and I feel so huge and unfit! I can't justify any form of a walk when dd is stuck at home unable to go fit a walk- feel like I'd be rubbing her face in it.
Dd has put on 1kg since Thursday which I'm delighted with but it's still very much the honeymoon phase. She's upset as wanted to see more in a bid to up the wfh percentage even more. I think increasing 6% in two weeks is great.

I also have no hunger when so hot so very hard to ask dd to keep eating. I'm desperate for a holiday but think like others here it may be too stressful.

Well done everyone - keep plodding on, it's all we can do.

We had a visit from the learning disabilities nurse who assessed DD1 by phone last August, on the day we were seen by paeds due to her low weight. Then, she decided that CAMHS didn't need to be involved because paeds were involved (and paeds felt they didn't need to be involved because CAMHS were involved....). Today she was fairly helpful, I think. But she's very clear that school should be arranging Ed Psych assessment, and school have ignored her request/suggestion from last August. She's going to phone school, have a chat, arrange to observe a lesson and reiterate her suggestion of Ed Psych assessment. She also said that she's seen ASD traits in DD1, so thinks we're right to pursue assessment.

We're getting on okay ish on holiday, I'm trying not to stress too much about dds activity levels but will be upset if she's lost weight at the next weigh in.

She's refusing to have pudding at the restaurant and is instead insisting on chocolate for pudding. I don't mind too much as obviously chocolate is good but can see it's becoming a control issue so am going to insist on pudding out tonight.

I also told dd she had to stay in her bedroom while I made breakfast and she moaned a bit but then complied!! I was expecting a bigger battle tbh and had been stressing about how to make her high calorie porridge in a tiny caravan!! It really makes me think she actually doesn't want to know and understands it's less stressful for her not knowing.

I think for any of you thinking it's not worth the battle to keep them out of the kitchen I would say it honestly 100% is worth it and is actually what they want (the ED won't but they do iyswim.)

I hear you re the fitness, I'm feeling so large now (I've been a size 12 all my adult life and am now a tight 14 😕) I keep reminding myself this won't be forever and I will have the rest of my life to lose weight and up the exercise. Dd has to be the priority now but it's still hard to accept.

I'm grateful for the dog as if nothing else I am still walking lots!

A photo of our view from the restaurant last night, we've been so lucky with the weather.

What a beautiful place to be at the moment!