teen eating issues support thread

[myrtleWilson]

Hello,
would anyone be interested in joining a thread to support each other as we support teens with eating disorders @MNHQ - I'm tagging you in as am conscious of triggering issues and wanted your ok/ground rules to such a thread..

Happy to share our story with DD if others would feel it is helpful...

So sick of dd never appreciating anything I do, letting work down, the stress of it all and the lack of a normal life. Just want a day without stress or worry.

@Scr1bblyGum it's so hard to keep plugging away for no reward. I think you have to hang on to the idea that, one day, your DD might be posting on a forum about how she was gripped with a disease and her Mum was her rock. You're doing an amazing job.

Oh mate, I hear you. A day without stress sounds like an impossible dream these days. I’ve blown up tonight, not my best moment and it really wasn’t worth it.
So bloody fed up of it all. I was so looking forward to half term as well.

Yeah I know what you mean scribbly I feel like screaming 'just stop being so bloody selfish' at dd some days. It makes me wonder how far theoretically she would take the ED ie if I had to stop work to care for her and that meant losing the house....

When I am calmer I try and remind myself she is ill and all the difficult behaviour is just symptoms of that illness but in the heat of the moment its hard not to see red.

My dd is similar lougle in that I think she has been unhappy for a long time and has thoughts of self harm/suicide but I am holding onto (a possibly misguided) belief that if she eats enough/gains weight these thoughts will lessen... It doesn't help that I took a couple of doses of fluoxetine a few years ago and had horrendous side effects including a month of constant vomiting. I think I am quite sensitive to medications in general though.

Enjoy the scribbly

The other thing I hate is sitting in front of professionals looking continuously useless

@Scr1bblyGum

The other thing I hate is sitting in front of professionals looking continuously useless

Oh @Scr1bblyGum I'm sure you don't look useless. DD1's Consultant likened this disease to leukaemia. It's that bad. You can't fix your DD, you're just there to hold her while she mends. You are being her champion and the professionals will know that.

Well mid morning snack went about as well as expected and was chucked across the room 🙄 in the end the challenge was for her to tolerate the snack being next to her for 10 mins. Just about managed that with a lot of swearing.

I have no idea how to break past this block, it seems impossible tbh.

Girlie - that sounds really tough.... How has the rest of the day gone?
DD did a staying safe exercise with IHT which was useful today, getting DD to go through the green to red phases of an 'episode' (am just giving highlights of her responses) - so at green, DD is stressed, she'll start to want to scratch her head to make it bleed, she'll be quiet and shaky, she's focused on herself, at amber she's standing up and wanting to be away from food, she's angry at us for something she's perceived we've done (or not done), she's now pinching herself or twisting her flesh, at red, she's away from us, standing close to a wall - at first so she can hit her head and then to feel secure I guess, her anger is now overwhelming and indiscriminate and on a constant re-boil. It helped DD I think in so far as she was able to show great insight into emotions and the process she goes through. The next stage (tomorrow) will be to match existing and new distraction techniques to each colour. Would it be useful for your DD to do to the same process flow for distress and anger - asking her questions at each point about - how are you feeling, are you hot or cold (dd gets very hot at anger but super cold at tears flowing), are you focusing on your self or others etc... it may not be a solution but may help her externalise and vocalise?

lougle - your two posts to Scr1bbly in last couple of days have made me need a like button on MN - how are you doing?

Since the CAMHS bombshell that they're basically withdrawing support to match with adult levels, DH, DD and I have agreed that their support has been okay but over promised and under delivered. They merrily talk about DD having been given the "skills" she needs - but this seems to be based on an assumption if something is mentioned twice she knows how to do it for herself. Plus on reflection, we're furious that all the times we've raised body image, it has never been acted upon in a therapeutic sense. DH and I are planning to have a direct talk with CAMHS at our next session (DD is aware and in agreement but doesn't want to be present) Wish us luck!

@myrtleWilson I just think it's madness to drop her like a rock because she's turning 18. Crazy!

@Girliefriendlikespuppies you've had a tough day. Well done to your DD for staying near her snack for 10 minutes though!

We're plodding on. I was upset with DH earlier because he forgot to give DD1 a snack while I went shopping, but it all worked out in the end.

Dinner time was a bit of a struggle for DD1. She was trying so hard but it took her a good while to eat it and she just looked like she was struggling the whole time.

She said earlier "I like food, I just don't like eating."

Thank you for your kind posts Lougle. Well done to your dd.

Myrtle I agree re the body image thing, it never seems to get tackled.

Girlie I hear you.

I wrote out the meal plan today. Meal support came out and went though it with her. She ate her lunch with them. A good session.Then refused afternoon snack, entire evening meal and pudding and half late night snack. My Dh acting as if nothing wrong. I said she needed to eat something tonight and be reminded that she could be readmitted Friday. He said threatening her not ok as heightened, he then got angry at me so I had both of them with anger directed at me.

I’m all for keeping meal times calm but surely difficult conversations still need to be had and letting her go to bed without a frank discussion or attempt to get something into her is not ok. She heard us arguing so now thinks I’m the ogre and Dh thinks she should be left alone.Helpful.

How would you lot have handled it?

It's really hard to keep unemotional about it. It's self harm and you wouldn't ignore a razor blade, would you?

I've told DD1 that if she doesn't eat the right amount, she has to have a Fortijuice top up. That's what they would do in hospital. We're working on calories and Fortijuice is 1.5 kcal/ml so easy to calculate. Yesterday DD1 was really struggling with dinner, so when she had eaten about half I said she could stop eating and I would get some Fortijuice for her, but in the end she decided to persevere.

My dd just wouldn't, she’s like a brick wall. I’m ok with her doing it gradually and more on her terms but she needs to be moving in the right direction even if it’s just inching along.

I just don’t know what we’re supposed to do.

I try my hardest to stay calm as DH is fiery to say the least, but sometime I explode.

However I don’t shy away from the difficult conversations, especially those that being “well you eat it or you end up back in hospital” - I don’t lie to DD and I don’t hide things from her, and I make sure she knows that. I think it’s because I still want her to take ownership of what has happened. When it comes down to it she did this to herself and it’s killing all of us. At the start she would try to set up arguments (very easy where DH is concerned) so she could then blame one of us for her not eating, I needed to nip that in the bud and I try to do that as calmly and firmly as possible.

(It doesn’t always work. On Friday I threw a handful of rice across the kitchen because DD was complaining about having too much and screeching about how she couldn’t eat anything now because I’d made her stressed. Not my finest moment and things have been pretty tense since)

We had to be really strict with Fortisip - she had to drink it. In a hospital setting if she didn't drink it she would be tube fed. It was tortuous but the knowledge that there was accountability made it a bit easier. Now she hates fortisip so will press on with food. It is hard though

@myrtleWilson

We had to be really strict with Fortisip - she had to drink it. In a hospital setting if she didn't drink it she would be tube fed. It was tortuous but the knowledge that there was accountability made it a bit easier. Now she hates fortisip so will press on with food. It is hard though

That's the way I see it, @myrtleWilson. I'm hospital, she would be made to drink the Fortisip. Although they did compromise with Fortijuice for DD1 because she really truly hated the Fortisip. Her eating plan tells us how much we have to give if she only eats ¾, ½, ¼, or none.

Sorry its very tough for everyone at the moment. It must be so scary facing the cliff edge of adult services myrtle.
We all lose it sometimes ExLt although I have to say the day I lost it the most spectacularly was when I smashed DDs Garmin watch with a hammer and that actually helped in the long run... not proud of it tho.
We had a good day yesterday. Until the boiler stopped working and DH and I were both caught up in dealing with that, getting the real fire going, making dinner and trying to get through to our emergency home service. So DD decides it's the perfect time to nip upstairs for an exercise session. at those moments it is so hard to take the selfishness of the illness. As someone said above.
Anyway day 2 of half term. No hot water or heating until at least tomorrow evening.
On the plus side my massive splurge on a big lego set has kept DD busy quite a bit. And she is still eating. But I cannot let my guard down at all re the exercise...

Aww it's so hard, compassion to all of you and your families.

I really relate to the tensions that it causes in couples. We're having a bit of a good cop bad cop thing going here, but with me being the nice one. DH is relentlessly pushing the 'I don't think you understand how ill you are' line and how she's going to end up in hospital. While I agree, especially with the former statement, it feels a bit like telling a fat person they need to lose weight - counter productive. I feel that the 'we love you this is your medicine' line will work better.

But god knows.

Is anyone else feeling ambivalent about schools likely to open? I've wanted this for so long and I hate the kids being off. But I don't know if DD will be well enough to go and then that means the whole thing becomes public in a way that she doesn't want it to.

What are the criteria to be allowed to go to school? The therapist mentioned 80% weight for height. What should we be asking the school to do? I think I'm going to have drive and pick up (which is a traffic nightmare) to save her energy, but what happens at lunch times? And snacks and the longer day? Argggh...

@Valleyofthedollymix last week the psychiatrist told me 80% WFH, too. No idea whether DD1's school would give her stuff to do...

I am worried about school too. I think may base line will be the school agreeing to:
Bringing her home for lunch
Supervision at break so she eats snack and does not move (with me sending a photo of the snack to a named person so they know what she should be eating)
Dropping her off after registration at about 8.50 so I can avoid the worst of traffic- I can’t have her there before school,unsupervised I usually drop off at 8am....so will have to do 2 school runs...one with my DSs and one with DD (leaving `DH to manage her breakfast...gulp...)
Not sure about games and PE I could not take her back on Games afternoon and take her in late after PE or she could try them but cut out stuff at home....not sure how that would go...
If she loses weight straight back to home learning. I am lucky that her school can stream home learners (eg those self isolating) into the classroom.
AlSo got to get round the nut ban as currently her snack is nuts and she won’t alter it....

Dd was 80% weight for height when she was allowed to go back part-time (maximum 3 half days per week). No PE, obviously - she went to the guidance counsellor's office to read during those lessons.

They would have organised something for lunchtime if the ED service had asked for it, but they wanted to see how she got on without supervision first. In the event, she was only at school for 2 weeks before Christmas holidays, then that was that, so it didn't make much difference in the end.

Thanks for the solidarity lovely ladies 🥰 it just helps knowing you all know what it's like tbh!! The rest of the day actually wasn't too bad, she managed lunch; cheese on toast (left the crusts and pulled some cheese off) a small amount of yogurt and about 100mls of orange juice.

We had a nice walk which turned out longer than I'd anticipated but dd was good company (obviously happy about a longish walk.)

Refused afternoon snack but did well with dinner which was a calorie heavy salmon pasta dish in a cream sauce also ate ice cream for pudding.

Refused evening snack though.

I'm using the schools opening up as a major leverage point, dd wants to go back to school but I've said only if eating snacks. She's 91% wfh though so not sure Camhs will back me up 😕 I also can't threaten a&e or admission as I don't think they'll be concerned as she is eating enough to maintain just not enough to gain.

I spoke to her year head last week and he was pretty good, said he would sort out supervision of snacks and lunch and dd could sit somewhere quiet with a friend. Also said he'd email her teachers to check no unhelpful 'healthy lifestyle' lessons were planned. I said she might not be back the first week if she's not eating snacks and he was fine with that.

Scribbly I think you were right to be concerned, you and your dh probably could do with coming up with a plan together in advance of how to deal with food refusal so you can present a united front. If you can't agree then take it in turns on dealing with meal times?

Forgot to say the nicest thing that happened Ystd was that dd cuddled up with me watching Netflix in the evening 😲 she actually put her head on my lap and tolerated me stroking her hair!! She has jumped back at the slightest physical touch for months so it was a lovely and unexpected end to the day!! Felt like a slight break in the clouds 🙂

Our family therapist said they see the good cop/ bad cop thing a lot.I really envy couples who are middle of the road the same.

YY to the school thing. I was just having this conversation this week. At least our dc are in the same boat as everybody else and have access to good online learning. When they go back it’s trickier. Dd is GCSE year and has missed a fair bit since Sep.

Our school were fab re supervising lunch but I had to accept it might not get eaten. I hope they don’t tire of doing it.

Sorry cross posted, so glad you had that lovely moment Girlie.

DD is a kg off 80% wfh but I really think she needs to put on a few more to be able to cope with the extra energy expenditure of school. Apart from a brief period during the first lockdown, I don't think she's ever actually been above 80% in her life (she has always tracked 75th for height and 25th for weight). Which is part of the problem - she thinks that's the way she'll always be while I suspect that puberty will change her shape dramatically (I've got boobs and big butt - hated it when I was young but now is quite the body shape du jour).

I can't bring her home for lunch as it's too far. I guess we'll just have to see how it goes but will make sure she's supervised for snacks and lunch - which she'll hate.

I now realise that she's being quite attention seeking. Usually I think if a child is seeking attention, then give the child attention. However, her and her sister have always competed for it and I don't want ED to be a weapon. Today we'd planned a trip to enormously calorific milkshake place. DD keeps saying she'll come she won't come she will come etc. I heard her and DH have an argument about it so when she said to me she wasn't going I just said 'fine, we'll stay behind and I'll do your snack'. Sure enough ten minutes later she said 'actually I will go'.

We're due to leave in 10 minutes... what a cliffhanger.