I can’t see I’m ‘tiny’...

[FennyBridges]

I suffered with anorexia as a teenager and since hitting motherhood I go through phases of restricting. It’s been happening on and off for about 5 years. I know I keep myself slender - BMI 20 - but I went into work on Tuesday and my line manager (who hasn’t seen me for a few weeks) exclaimed very loudly in the staff room how tiny I am. She went on a little bit until the conversation was steered to Christmas. She knows a little of my ED history.

I can’t see it. I have been restricting due to Christmas as a stressor. I’m hungry a lot of the time or nauseous so I can’t eat. I definitely have one meal a day. Yesterday that was white fish, asparagus, broccoli and a few green beans. I did have a mince pie too. But actually I thought I was looking bloated on Tuesday and not tiny at all.

I can’t see that I’m tiny. I haven’t the courage to weigh myself. My husband confirmed that I look like I’ve lost a bit of weight but mainly it’s evident on my face.

Why can’t I see it? Or do you think that when someone is aware of your ED they are hypersensitive even to a pound of weight loss? Or they exaggerate? I wondered if this colleague enjoys a bit of drama or maybe she cares? I don’t know why I can’t see it. Can anyone help me with why I see myself differently to how others see me?

Restricting will kill you.

"Restriction helps me."
That's not you talking, OP. That's your disease tricking you.

There are so many useful comments to help me here in the new year. I need to work out how to separate myself from it. I’m not sure I know how right now and I don’t think I’m courag enough at the moment to ask for specific help.

Of course it's hard, luckily you are brave! Hopefully now the xmas rush is dying down you can keep going without too much more stress till you can see your therapist next. I really feel for you, it must be very lonely, but luckily you can come. here for support

From the OP

What intrigued me was, when someone knows your ED history are they likely to exaggerate the impact of a few pounds weight loss?

No, they are not. You are likely to underestimate the effect. Have you seen your counsellor yet?

No. They’ll see me mid January. It seems a long way off.

I'd guess that when your line manager made that comment she had forgotten about your ED. People often do comment if someone looks slimmer.

You have DC and you want them to eat healthily, yet they will be picking up that you don't eat that way. If you can eat at least a little of the same meals as they have you will be more in control of giving them a healthy life, as well as yourself.

it’s like this frenzy of people talking about turkeys and cakes and stacks of stuff in the shops and, just, consumption

I get that too, although I don't have an ED. My solution is to pretty much ignore it all. There's no need to panic buy lots of food. Most people have quite enough to cover a couple of days of the shops being shut.
I regard the frenzy as being nothing to do with me, it's something that other people do.

If they cancelled your December appointment it must still seem like a long time until you see them again (mid-Jan). Is there anyone else you can speak to in the meantime, a crisis team or GP for support? Or an online or phone support if you don't feel able to do it face to face?

Well today I have eaten half portions of everything and I think that’s ok, isn’t it? I feel like I’ve done really well today. I feel encouraged by GladysKnight - I can be brave! And there is support here I can re-read. I haven’t got this age being frightened out of my skin over this all of the time.

I feel like I’ve over eaten a bit really.

It sounds like you've done very well today. Keep it up!

Thank you! ❤️ I’m going home tomorrow so it’ll be easier to slip again. I know it’s wrong, but if I do it makes life easier because I know I’ll stay thin. But it’s hard to put on weight if I just need 1300 calories to lay around all day, right?

I hate the change. I was dreading coming here because of food and now I’m not looking forward to returning because of food.

I’ve also walked about 3 miles today with the dogs. Usually we’d go further but we’ve had a little niece and an elderly grandfather with us. So I am active, and I can stay active.

That all sounds good. Half portions of everything should get you a good range of nutrients. You can do this - including getting the help you need if you need it before mid-jan. Look at it as equipping yourself intelligently with the right tools .

I hope so.

I know how to control panic now because of therapy but I am laying in bed imagining the fat on my thighs touching and rolls of fat on my torso covering my hip bones and my bottom spreading uncontrollably across my side of the bed. It’s enough to make me panic but I can control it. I don’t know why eating normally makes me feel so abnormally large and big and fleshy. It’s horrible.

I think you feel those things because the illness distorts your perceptions/beliefs. Although I don't have an ED my anxiety can mess with my perceptions/beliefs to the extent that I believe ridiculous, horrible things about myself especially in regard to my abilities as a mother, and it took me so long to learn it was the illness distorting my thought processes - but it was so empowering to learn to spot it and say 'that's not true, that's just anxiety making me think it'.

Do try not to get into a loop with those thoughts if you can avoid it, as you might be increasing your anxiety.

I do recommend youask your therapist or an ed support group for some'first aid' techniques. My therapist gave me a lovely beach pebble to hold and describe in detail, texture and everything, as a diversion.

Sorry the formatting on my phone has gone weird!

A beach pebble is a brilliant idea. I love pebbles.

We have been working on those kinds of things as EMDR preparation but I can do them alongside restriction. Christmas is a stressor and now work could be. I know I need to sort myself out! I will see my therapist but I’m worried I should be independent from them - I can’t keep seeing them forever, can I? I can’t believe I’m a grown adult and still doing this. Why has nothing worked before! It makes me despair. My husband would say, “Just don’t do it then.” And make it gloriously simple. I don’t know why it isn’t. But I can try the pebble!

I think it can be really hard to replace one negative habit, without replacing it with something positive.

I agree.

I worry a little about your “keeping active”. Is this an attempt to burn calories?

It’s not really image that I concentrate on with my body. I am nearly 40. I don’t think I care what other people think of me, but I am my own harshest critic and I can’t bear being ‘fat’.

I have a lovely pebble at home on my mantelpiece. I’m not sure my brain will be fooled so easily? I’ve had a look at the beat website and I got everything for anorexia and yet I am not underweight. Really I’m not. I haven’t weighed but I am for sure in the normal boundaries. I worry that if I asked for specific help it wouldn’t be taken seriously. I know I’m slight.

Yes I do try to burn calories as much as I can. By standing up a lot (at work), walking the dogs etc. But these are normal things; I don’t obsessively run and star jump etc. I will go to a yoga class in the new year too. It gives me a sense of well-being.

Yes I do try to burn calories as much as I can. By standing up a lot (at work), walking the dogs etc. But these are normal things; I don’t obsessively run and star jump etc. I will go to a yoga class in the new year too. It gives me a sense of well-being.

There’s a documentary by Louis Theroux about anorexia. Trying to burn calories through standing up is not “normal”, it’s another aspect of the illness.

Please, please get help.

And again, you don’t know you’re not underweight. You haven’t weighed yourself and you’ve been severely restricting calories. Your clothes are too big.

If it's any help I've had a relapse this year, but for a good 3-4 weeks now I've been trying really hard to get enough calories.
I've been averaging 2000 calories a day and maintaining, not gaining! I don't do huge amounts of exercise - a walk to the park with the kids every day (or they start climbing the walls) is it. Nothing else.
I found I was still slowly losing on 1800 calories. I was on 800 in the summer and losing like mad, but 2000 seems to be my maintenance amount - and I'm not fat - I'm 5'6 with a BMI of 19.
I'm using my fitness Pal to track calories. Probably not helpful in the long term as it's a good way of obsessing over food, but short term to see what I can eat and not gain, it's been great.
Just for added info I have been in patient for anorexia twice (life threatening weight loss) and was ill for about 12 years. Then recovered for 10 until this relapse snuck up on me

I don't think you have to be a particular size to'qualify' or be taken seriously for help with ed symptoms? And don't deel that by seeking gelp you are somehow making yourself helpless. You are seeking help to learn a valuabw skill. Just like drving lessons only it's yourself you are learning to drive. And yes, we should all take refreshers even though mostof us don't!

Sorry, typing in the car!

BanburyFurio3 how did you know you were relapsing, or how did you admit it to yourself?

PurpleDaisies I know I’m slight but I also know I could have only lost about 2 kilos since 1st Dec. I promise I will get help, firstly through my therapist, but if I did have a BMI of 19 I’m not technically underweight really. It’s my jumpers which are drowning me, and certain fabrics. My parents and brothers haven’t commented on any weight loss, and I haven’t seen them since the summer holidays.

GladysKnight I like the idea of learning a skill! Sometimes I just don’t know how else to cope, except to die.