I can’t see I’m ‘tiny’...

[FennyBridges]

I suffered with anorexia as a teenager and since hitting motherhood I go through phases of restricting. It’s been happening on and off for about 5 years. I know I keep myself slender - BMI 20 - but I went into work on Tuesday and my line manager (who hasn’t seen me for a few weeks) exclaimed very loudly in the staff room how tiny I am. She went on a little bit until the conversation was steered to Christmas. She knows a little of my ED history.

I can’t see it. I have been restricting due to Christmas as a stressor. I’m hungry a lot of the time or nauseous so I can’t eat. I definitely have one meal a day. Yesterday that was white fish, asparagus, broccoli and a few green beans. I did have a mince pie too. But actually I thought I was looking bloated on Tuesday and not tiny at all.

I can’t see that I’m tiny. I haven’t the courage to weigh myself. My husband confirmed that I look like I’ve lost a bit of weight but mainly it’s evident on my face.

Why can’t I see it? Or do you think that when someone is aware of your ED they are hypersensitive even to a pound of weight loss? Or they exaggerate? I wondered if this colleague enjoys a bit of drama or maybe she cares? I don’t know why I can’t see it. Can anyone help me with why I see myself differently to how others see me?

Most of the women you see out and about are going to weigh between 10 stone and 16 stone. Anyone weighing 8 or 9 stone or less usually looks very slim, unless they are much shorter than average.

When I weighed 8 stone I was far too skinny, I couldn't see it at the time, all I could see was a round stomach, which wasn't there.

I think you need to either get help, or read all you can about your illness and start eating 3 good meals day. Try and keep your weight above 9 stone.

I did have a turkey dinner yesterday and trifle and champagne and today we are out to dinner before a pantomime and I did eat porridge this morning. I made it with water, but it was what I could manage. Maybe I needed to stop from work. I will bear in mind what everyone has said and see what I can do in the new year. I did need to talk to someone so thank you to all who replied, especially with the little dog ten inches tall! He probably runs around a bit more than I do though!

@NameChanger22 well that’s completely wrong... I’m 8 stone 7 and I look fine, if not a little bloated.

May i ask how tall you are Fenny..?

Ok Lemonys - I don't think you're really helping. Maybe you just feel bloated. Most adult women weighing 8 stone 7 are going to look very slim, unless they are very short.

That’s the thing: I’m not underweight. There will be lots of women (sometimes smug) who weigh less than a recovered anorexic. Well done you.

But what I have learnt from starting this thread is that my thought processes are sinking. I struggle to deal with that alongside a stressor, such as Christmas.

What intrigued me was, when someone knows your ED history are they likely to exaggerate the impact of a few pounds weight loss?

It really wasn’t a thread to compare myself with anyone else. It may have been 25 years ago but treatment and self compassion has taught me a lot since then. But the thought processes... here I am still thinking I’m the same way to cope with life. I’m a bit tired of it. Frightened of change. How else could I cope - I just don’t know.

I would gently say, fenny, that you don’t know if you’re underweight or not because you haven’t weighed since June.

Ok I have eaten a bit more over Christmas but stuck to one main meal. I have indulged in a few chocolates too. I was doing some internet reading this morning and apparently I should eat about 1300-1400 calories a day for my basal metabolic rate. I had never heard of that. I calculated it on 58 kilos. That seems like a lot of calories. Can anyone advise?

Did you weigh yourself? That’s definitely not a lot of calories, I weigh similar but world lose weight on 1400 cals a day. It depends on how tall you are though.

No, I worked it out online on 58 kilos (or 128 pounds) and five foot six?

I thought it sounded a lot. I would approximate that I regularly eat about 700-900 on a fairly good day.

Makes me think I should actually be thinner 🙄

If you haven’t weighed, you don’t know how thin you actually are. You can’t rely on your perception of what your body looks like.

1300-1400 kcal/day is what you need if you lie in bed doing nothing, only leave to use the toilet. That's what BMR means. You need a few hundred/day more to do normal activities, and more again to exercise.

Your illness will make you see yourself as huge & bloated even if you were 38 kg. The illness is like a Dr. Who Perception filter, outside your control.

BMR is the number of calories you'd need to maintain weight if you spent your life totally at rest. It sounds like you have a busy lifestyle so you will probably need more calories than this to maintain.

Nobody is going to be healthy and maintaining weight on less than 1000 calories a day. A lot of calorie controling diets aim for 1200 calories as the optimum for weight loss.

I would suspect you have lost weight if you are only eating about 700 calories a day. It also sounds like your diet lacks some key food groups, so maybe consider taking some vitamin supplements in the short term.

I have had issues with restricting in the past, and I think it's very easy to get into a position where restricting feels normal. It sounds like you could do with some help and support, so perhaps speak to your gp in the new year.

A lot of good advice so far. Try to eat at least 300 cals more than your BMR just to maintain until you get to your GP and get an accurate weight.
Only thing I would like to add is that your perception may or may not be accurate. Do your clothes still fit? That’s an easy way to really know if there has been weight loss.
I know when I have lost a lot, I can see it, most anorexics can. They just want to always lose more. There is not many anorexics who are not fully aware of how ill they look.
Good luck and take care.

Some of my clothes are a lot bigger and I assumed they’ve stretched. My size 10 clothes drown me and I have a few size 8s which are slightly better. I’m going to try bacon and eggs this morning and then I have another Christmas dinner today. I do only eat small portions. But I still want to lose weight too. It’s confusing.

When I’m dieting (I’m a size 16), I eat 1400 calories a day and still lose 2lb a week. You need to be eating at least 1800 calories a day just to maintain a healthy weight so you are currently starving yourself!
Please get help ASAP.

Okay, so you know there has been drastic weight loss.
The next move takes a lot of courage, and you have to be ready to ask for help.
It is confusing, that’s why you need help.
Make sure you take a multi vitamin and some extra calcium every day.
Try and do things like have a teaspoon of peanut butter in your porridge- you can get organic one with just whole nuts, so calorie dense but full of healthiness. Little extra additions each day.
Hugs though, keep trying.

OP, I haven't read all of this and I don't know much about eating disorders, but I would think the key thing is to seek help to find another way to feel safe, that doesn't involve restricting your food. Because unfortunately, as you know restricting food, though it makes you feel safe at the time, long-term can be dangerous for you.

Have you explored what is making you feel unsafe? With your rational head, you can presumably see that eating a healthy, sufficient diet is not actually dangerous. So it looks as though it is something else you are feeling frightened of, and you are putting it on to the food.

My apologies if I am getting this wrong, that is just how it seemed to me reading your posts. That you are thinking about food and your size but actually the issue is your anxiety and feeling of unsafeness, which would be better tackled a different way.

If I eat normally I’m really anxious I will get fat. You know, maybe my body only needs this amount of food. People talk about starvation mode, is that a thing?

I feel so unsafe sometimes. Restriction makes me feel in control.

You are all so kind. Thank you so much!

Starvation mode is crap. It does not exist.
I would get a set of scales, or pop to Boots and get weighed.
Then go onto MyFitnessPal or the like and see how many calories you need to maintain. Then stick to that as a minimum intake.
You will not suddenly put on loads of weight, you will just not lose anymore- and that’s key right now.

The future makes me feel unsafe. And feeling hungry and being consumed with thoughts about food keep me in the present. Sometimes I’m so distracted I worry I’m a bad mother. Sometimes I feed the DC and I can’t even sit with them.

I also worry about other people knowing. That makes me feel unsafe.

Fenny you say you are seeing a therapist - I'm wondering how long you've been seeing them and if they are helping you with your anxiety - it sounds like you have a lot of it to contend with. I don't have an ED but I am prone to anxiety and when I have felt as you describe there, I haven't really been able to cope without meds (low-dose antidepressants). Made all the difference to me.

I’ve been seeing them on and off for about a year. I really, really like them. I am going to start EMDR in the new year and I am really hopeful about it. I know I am struggling with the waiting and preparation.

I feel frightened about most things but you generally wouldn’t guess. I think that’s why my line manager unnerved me a bit when she said I was ‘tiny’. Like someone might guess my coping strategy.

That aside I cannot bear putting on weight. If I’m anything over 60 kilos it makes me feel awful: uncomfortable, like my clothes don’t fit, like I’m breathlessly overweight. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror if I haven’t got clothes on. That’s why I can’t weigh myself. I’m frightened that I’m over 60 kilos.

I know my self worth isn’t reduced to a number, blah blah etc. Telling me things like that don’t work. I just don’t know what ever will, except restriction. But I am so grateful for contributors to this thread ❤️

Nice Catch22.

You feel unsafe if folk know.
You also feel unsafe unless you restrict, in which case people can't help but know.

Just b/c you feel unsafe doesn't mean you are unsafe. You May as well feel unsafe but not be doing yourself physical harm, rather than feel unsafe AND do yourself harm.

The logical me agrees with you. The other me disagrees. Restriction helps me.