I can’t see I’m ‘tiny’...

[FennyBridges]

I suffered with anorexia as a teenager and since hitting motherhood I go through phases of restricting. It’s been happening on and off for about 5 years. I know I keep myself slender - BMI 20 - but I went into work on Tuesday and my line manager (who hasn’t seen me for a few weeks) exclaimed very loudly in the staff room how tiny I am. She went on a little bit until the conversation was steered to Christmas. She knows a little of my ED history.

I can’t see it. I have been restricting due to Christmas as a stressor. I’m hungry a lot of the time or nauseous so I can’t eat. I definitely have one meal a day. Yesterday that was white fish, asparagus, broccoli and a few green beans. I did have a mince pie too. But actually I thought I was looking bloated on Tuesday and not tiny at all.

I can’t see that I’m tiny. I haven’t the courage to weigh myself. My husband confirmed that I look like I’ve lost a bit of weight but mainly it’s evident on my face.

Why can’t I see it? Or do you think that when someone is aware of your ED they are hypersensitive even to a pound of weight loss? Or they exaggerate? I wondered if this colleague enjoys a bit of drama or maybe she cares? I don’t know why I can’t see it. Can anyone help me with why I see myself differently to how others see me?

I knew I was relapsing when I found it hard to justify eating something - when previously if I was hungry, I ate. I had a bit of baby weight to lose - was top of the healthy weight range and decided to get fit and eat healthier. But then it tipped into relapse. I'm now secretive about how little I'm eating and hiding my weight loss - and that's really not good. So I'm trying to get out of his relapse - and it's been really interesting to see how much I have to eat to stop losing weight!

I can’t believe how much you need to eat to stop losing weight! I do kind of justify eating, even at mealtimes. I just don’t think I’m the same for being able to eat so many calories. Can your body get used to restriction?

I am still breastfeeding dc3, but he's on solids now as well, so I'm not sure how many calories I need for his milk supply, but I can't think it can be that much - 300 tops? So if not breastfeeding I'd probably need 1700 minimum to maintain a not-quite-underweight body. I'd like to get back to doing some proper exercise soon as well, as I cut that out when I realised how quickly I was losing/relapsing.

When I breastfed the weight dropped off me within weeks. I think it takes a lot of calories earlier on the the baby’s life. I used to get ravenous too - don’t know how you coped with 800 calories a day back in the summer. Xx

I used to have a midnight sandwich with each of my babies in the early days as I got so ravenous DH would make it for me every evening and i would eat it at the 2am feed in bed . In fact I was so hungry I actually put ON weight after each birth as I would eat so much!

No, Ds is over 1 yo now so, I doubt the breastfeeding is taking much.

OK everyone no need to panic. My bathroom scales say I weigh... 57 kilos. I must have put on weight, perhaps, since June (I was very happy before Dec 1st so maybe I started at 59 or 60). The crazy part of my is disappointed by this, of course. I’m still having trouble eating a huge amount like 1500 calories. But happy new year to you all.

That sounds good Fenny! Happy new year - and make sure you learn some new skills to handle that anxiety this year